To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

[quote BombyliusMajor]@PaperTowels still births after 24 weeks have to be registered like any other birth and death. They are a matter of public record and will come up on ancestry searches.[/quote]
Sensitive

They do have to be registered- but on the stillbirths register- which is NOT a public record

A birth has to be 'Live' for an birth & death to me registered in the normal way .

Sorry, just seen that the birth would have still been recorded. I still think the OP should respect her mums right to privacy.

It's none of your business.

I wouldn't mention it. Firstly, its really non of your business. Secondly, if your mum wanted to talk to you about it she would have done. You dont know the circumstances behind the loss so leave it.

I think you need to let it lie.
your mum is possibly of the generation where it wa seaside not to talk about things and to do so now may be v upsetting for her
As for the " you may not have been born " ts a thought you need to let go and not think about.

Without quoting a sensitive post, I'm now even more puzzled about how you came across this information

Have you been spying?

Wait, your later post says that your mum told you!! Why do you want more details? That’s disgusting. It’s her body and trauma - not yours!

I'm confused as to how you could have found out about it from researching a family tree, unless you found relatives and spoke to them and they told you?

They don't want you to know or they would have told you. You say it feels wrong to keep it from them but now you know I'm afraid that's your burden to bear, as to tell them would be relieving that burden but causing them pain and bringing up terrible memories.

You need to put them first on this one.

My mother lost a baby six months into her pregnancy, 1960's, before she had me and my sister. We have always been aware of it but it has never really been talked about and my dad has never mentioned the baby.
I don't think you should say anything about it.

@PinkOrchids7

Wait, your later post says that your mum told you!! Why do you want more details? That’s disgusting. It’s her body and trauma - not yours!

I missed that. So OP your mum told you she had lost a baby but said it was 'early on' and now you've found out it was late in the pregnancy you want to tell her you know it wasn't early on after all? I cannot fathom why you would wish to do such a thing. I'm not saying that to be nasty to you I just genuinely can't see why you think it's an appropriate or loving thing to even consider doing?

Hard to say. They may have got into a habit of secrecy which may be sitting uncomfortably with them. It could be that enough healing has now gone by that they would happily talk about it to honour that baby. It could be one parent who encouraged silence whilst the other one really wanted to talk. But I would want to respect the fact that they haven't introduced the subject too. So much depends on your relationship with them, what type of people they are, how you guess they feel about it. Sorry I know this isn't helpful but I agree it's difficult to know what to do for the best.

@Mrsjayy

Fwiw 40 odd years Ago. A third trimester miscarriage wouldn't have been seen as it is even 20odd years ago. It really was a different. Time and women were expected to suck it up And move on.

I showed my MIL a memorial picture I had made for a customer who had a late miscarriage. She wept when she told me about her little boy she lost in 1956. She remembered the birth and her baby as though it was yesterday. However for her it was a great relief to talk about it. It's not that they didn't care - she was told to forget it and just try again. She's 90 now, but her baby has a name and isn't a secret. She now has his name and date of birth in a register provided by SANDS at our local hospital chapel. As op's mum has already mentioned a loss I would say yes, open the way so she can talk about this.

You don't even know me so how dare you assume my intentions to be anything other than what I have said?

Your mother told you she lost a child

You are choosing to believe that she lost TWO children and you are using her words to suit your belief

How dare you make assumptions?

It works both ways you know @upbowcreek

Are you always so self absorbed?

I'd be very careful, presumably your parents are maybe 70ish? You could stir up some very unhappy thoughts. They have dealt with it in their own way, I think when you had a miscarriage it would have been natural for your mother to bring it up and as she only briefly acknowledged it I would take it that she didn't want to go into it.

If you are 40s and this was a few years before you were born do remember that in those days we didn't have the pregnancy tests that are common now, my GP wouldn't confirm my pregnancy until I was 12 weeks, my mother was slower about going to the GP when she was having me and was about six months before see him and having it confirmed. Early and late were very different. It might be easier for your mum to think of it as very early.

This happened to my parents before they had me.

They were quite open about it.

If your parents wanted you to know they would have told you.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Perhaps when your mum spoke to you a little about her loss after your own loss, she was worried it may seem like a mine was worse type comment so she naturally said early (meaning like you) as a supportive thing to say so you knew she understood how you felt?

If you wanted to broach the subject I would possibly say while researching you realised baby was lost and you are so sorry ans how awful
It must have been, if she then wants to talk it's opened up but if not then you know not to bring it up again. Your poor parents

My parents were in the same position. My mum mentioned it once (a relative had a miscarriage) She told me it was a boy. That was it. It was her business. If she had wanted to tell me she would. She never even talked about it with my older sister, who was a teenager at the time. Her own sisters didn’t know. Leave her.

I wouldn't say anything. It's private. If she'd wanted to say more to you about it she would have done. She's possibly spoken to other family members about it in the past and doesn't feel the need to talk to you about it.

Why the hell would you do this??? It seems really cruel and I don’t know why it actually matters to you?

I would absolutely talk to my parents about this. It might be healing. Families weren't given any support then. My granny lost a baby due to cot death and every photo or memento was burnt and nobody was allowed to mention their name. That was what Health Professionals told men and women the best way to "cope" would be. So it might be actually good for you to ask about it. I would say something like "Mum, I see from x that you had another pregnancy quite far along that didn't survive, that must have been very tough. Do you feel up for talking to me about it?". BUT I wouldn't say until after your baby is born. Asking your mum about I when you are heavily pregnant might upset her or you more.

@justicedanceson

I would absolutely talk to my parents about this. It might be healing. Families weren't given any support then. My granny lost a baby due to cot death and every photo or memento was burnt and nobody was allowed to mention their name. That was what Health Professionals told men and women the best way to "cope" would be. So it might be actually good for you to ask about it. I would say something like "Mum, I see from x that you had another pregnancy quite far along that didn't survive, that must have been very tough. Do you feel up for talking to me about it?". BUT I wouldn't say until after your baby is born. Asking your mum about I when you are heavily pregnant might upset her or you more.

Says the poster who has not experienced a baby of their own dying!

Other than anecdotally from a third party, I don't understand how someone could find out about a late term pregnancy loss from decades ago? Is it just me who doesn't know how this could happen?

My husband wouldn’t be here if his mother’s second baby hadn’t ended in stillbirth. She mentioned it to him very briefly once as a teenager, and mentioned it to me once about 15 years ago. We found out more from my husband’s aunt who told us details she assumed we’d know.

42 years ago she never even got to see the baby, doesn’t know if it was a boy or girl. She was in her third trimester and (despite the fact he could have been there) my FIL wasn’t present at any of her three births (this was the second), something I find hard to think about.

But it is her business, she doesn’t want to talk about it, and we certainly will never let on we know about the details we learned from my husbands aunt.

@justicedanceson

I would absolutely talk to my parents about this. It might be healing. Families weren't given any support then. My granny lost a baby due to cot death and every photo or memento was burnt and nobody was allowed to mention their name. That was what Health Professionals told men and women the best way to "cope" would be. So it might be actually good for you to ask about it. I would say something like "Mum, I see from x that you had another pregnancy quite far along that didn't survive, that must have been very tough. Do you feel up for talking to me about it?". BUT I wouldn't say until after your baby is born. Asking your mum about I when you are heavily pregnant might upset her or you more.

OP's mother has spoken to her about the miscarriage.

OP has, somehow, turned up some information that implies the miscarriage happened later than the OP's mother implied.

And now wants to raise that, somehow and for some reason, with her mother

I would absolutely talk to my parents about this. It might be healing

For who? Clearly not the mother.