To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

@upbowcreek

Okay, so many messages and I can't acknowledge them all, sorry.

To clear up a few things...

I am not hoping to gain anything.
I am not having an existential crisis.
I am certainly not being selfish or spiteful.
I am just trying to do the right thing.

My dad nearly died this year. I think that got me even more inspired to research the family history while there are still people around to talk about it with.

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right, but neither does the idea of upsetting them. That's why I came here for advice. Thanks to the posters who have responded in a calm way without being spiteful.

To Papertowels and others who have implied I am indeed spying and that I have found this out in some underhand way: I have an unusual surname. I have been systematically ordering all birth marriage and death certificates with that surname and that's how it turned up. The loss was post-24 weeks so there was a death certificate with a name and other details. I did not go looking for this and did not expect to find it. Perhaps I was naive. But that does not make me a bad person. Why don't you try treating other people with a bit of kindness and respect?

@upbowcreek my suggestion would be you do tell them you found it and that you are so sorry for their loss. That you won’t push them to talk about it but if they wish to talk so that the baby can be chronicled in the family tree or just to be able to talk to someone about the experience then you will support them. All has to be done in the gentlest of ways and using very specific language though.

It’s not about how you feel. The loss is your parents to deal with as they see fit. You have no right to force their hand.

I suspect they didn’t want you to ever feel like a replacement for a baby born sleeping.

To clarify one more time: it was not a stillbirth. The baby lived a matter of hours. There was a death certificate. My name is unusual. I ordered the death certificate not knowing it was my sibling.

@Mrsjayy

Fwiw 40 odd years Ago. A third trimester miscarriage wouldn't have been seen as it is even 20odd years ago. It really was a different. Time and women were expected to suck it up And move on.

This

Would you like to be asked about a child you’d lost like that OP. Heartbreakingly I would imagine “early” meant after only being alive a short while. Poor woman, what an awful thing to happen to her.

@NerrSnerr

I guess it’s however you choose to interpret that particular emoji.

@justanotherneighinparadise two of us interpreted it as insensitive so it might be worth clarifying what you meant to the PP you spoke to if that's not what you meant.

I’m sorry I don’t take orders from anonymous posters on the internet. If the poster wants to reach out to me directly I’m happy to have a chat and discuss interpretation of emojis.

Also, once again, not being selfish. Not making it all about me. When I say it "doesn't sit right", I just mean I feel troubled about the right way to handle it. I'm only human. Would all of you people calling me cruel just know 100% and immediately the right course of action or would you need to process it to reach the right answer? I only found out today!

Those saying you can't empathise...what about the posters who have said it might be a relief to have it in the open? That is all I am thinking here. That it's a hard subject to bring up, that perhaps they might appreciate their baby being acknowledged, that it might bring some comfort.

But hey, call me selfish and all your other insults if it makes you feel like the bigger person.

Once again, thank you to all the posters who have weighed in with considered opinions without judgement or criticism. I just came here for advice - I haven't said what I intend to do either way. Your opinions and experiences are all very helpful in guiding me through this decision.

My MIL who would be 109 now, knew she was one of twins her sibling died and is buried in a local church, her parents were open about this. Families differ in their reaction to a babies death.

I did interpret it as a little judgemental of my choice not to say anything to my children but I guess everyone is allowed an opinion on the right way to do things.

To OP given you’ve clarified the baby lived a short while I’d say it’s even more reason not to mention it - it must be such a painful memory for your parents and if they wanted to share they would have done when you miscarried / at another time.

Those saying you can't empathise...what about the posters who have said it might be a relief to have it in the open? That is all I am thinking here. That it's a hard subject to bring up, that perhaps they might appreciate their baby being acknowledged, that it might bring some comfort

But if your mum thought it would bring her comfort to discuss it openly with you she would have done that by now. It’s for her to bring up if she wants to, not you.

I’m confused- you say your mum did tell you, but also say that you feel dishonest that you have found this information out.

In any event it’s your parents business to bring it up, not yours. It may well be that your mum considers that she has already told you and has filed it away as job done.

Mate, your mum's miscarriage before you even existed is neither your problem nor your business.

My gosh OP, this would have been a horrific loss for them. It is their loss too and something only they should bring up if they choose to, they evidently have not done so please PLEASE leave well alone. There is nothing to gain from this conversation with your parents but so much to lose.

I would be very careful about opening up old wounds for very little gain... this poor child existed for such a short time but it would have been devastating for them. Yes this child would have been your sibling but he/she was never part of your world they only existed in your parents world...You don't have to know everything about your parents, if your parents really wanted you to know they would have been more open with you.
However you know them best so go with your gut instinct.

I didn’t know that things like this came up on family history investigations. It’s medical history stuff so would be confidential.

If you normally have an open relationship with your parents then I would be of the opinion to talk to them about them losing a child, your sister told you, sounds like your mother may have said something and at the time you weren't receptive to it

I had three months of lockdown with my dad before he died, we talked about everything we needed to, my fiends dad dropped dead and was gone, no chance to talk over things

choose your time and warn them beforehand so they have chance to prepare and also give them the option to decline

best wishes

When I say it "doesn't sit right", I just mean I feel troubled about the right way to handle it.

The right way to handle it is not to mention it. It's up to your parents to decide how much they tell you about their baby. If you tell them you know all about it, forcing them to talk to you about it/ open up old wounds you're doing it on your terms and not theirs.

I love family history and inadvertently discovered a long-ago adoption (my mum’s father was adopted as a baby - she’d always felt different to and excluded by her ‘cousins’ and it answered a lot of questions she’d had for years. He was actually referred to as ‘adopted’ on the 1911 census and had his birth surname given, although he later went by the adopted family’s surname - my mum was with me as we looked at the record).

I wouldn’t say anything. It was their experience all those years ago and I think they’d have told you by now if they’d wanted you to know.

If the OP is in her 40s then her parents must be in their 60s/70s and are of a generation in which the constant 'talk talk talk' about one's life, feelings etc just didn't happen, people were far more private than today. Parents would not necessarily feel the need to tell all to their children everything that's ever happened to them, that's just how it was and I for one prefer that!
When looking into one's family history all kinds of surprises can rear their ugly heads, it's a good idea to have some idea before starting how you would handle them. Personally, I wish my MIL were still alive, we've found so much about her supposedly sainly mother!!

Sorry op, but it really isn’t any of your business

upbowcreek if you do speak to your parents about this, I'd advise approaching it in a way that makes it very clear you're putting their feelings first.

Perhaps you could say to your mum, in your family tree research you came across your sibling's death certificate and you're so sorry for their loss. That you didn't want to pretend you didn't know and that you completely understand if they don't want to discuss it, but that they can talk to you about it if they want to. And then give her a big hug (if you're a hugging kind of family).

I just want to add that I lost a baby last year, the baby had a name and was buried but my husband and I have kept those details to ourselves because it was our baby, our loss, we didn't want to have to discuss it with others or have to deal with how others felt they or we should react. It was between me and my husband and that was that. Please just let them be, they're grown ups, if they'd wanted to tell you they would gave done.

That’s interesting as I’ve had four losses and mention it quite freely in front of the kids.They understand what happened and why and I didn’t ever consider keeping that to myself

If I didn't have to share recently with the child who has the same balanced translocation of chromosomes as me, none of my children would know of the 9 m/c I had. Unless the one I share with has discussed it with the others, they still don't know and I have no intention of sharing.

@DisneyMillie

I did interpret it as a little judgemental of my choice not to say anything to my children but I guess everyone is allowed an opinion on the right way to do things.

To OP given you’ve clarified the baby lived a short while I’d say it’s even more reason not to mention it - it must be such a painful memory for your parents and if they wanted to share they would have done when you miscarried / at another time.

I’m happy to apologise to you @DisneyMillie. As you say we deal with these things very individually and what feels right for one person isn’t necessarily right for another.

For me talking things out openly makes it as less upsetting subject, it loses its power. But I did have lots of losses so perhaps if I’d had just the one it wouldn’t have felt woven into my psyche quite as much and i too would have felt it was unnecessary to talk about with my kids.

Anyway that’s my explanation. Sorry for your loss ♥️

Wait, what? So she did mention to you about losing a baby, and you want to bring it up again because ... you don’t feel she described it accurately?

This - your OP makes out she never told you, but then you say she did