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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

429 replies

upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 17:08

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 18/11/2020 20:07

Your parents have told you everything they wanted you to know. So I would respect that and leave it alone.

DisneyMillie · 18/11/2020 20:07

I had a miscarriage before my second dd - it was fairly early but pretty traumatic still - I’ve not told my children and I’m not sure I ever will - maybe if they miscarry when they’re older and I want to show I understand but it’s my loss and my sadness not theirs and they have no need to know.

I wouldn’t want someone bringing it up without it being my choice to talk about it. It still hurts when I watch programmes which feature miscarriage.

I can’t even imagine how much more painful a late loss would be - I see no positives for your mum in mentioning it

XingMing · 18/11/2020 20:07

I don't think wondering if you would have been born if circumstances has been otherwise is sensible. It brings up memories of pain that are probably better left undisturbed. It's also not family history really: if anything it's history that did not happen.

DMIL had one child, and reading between the unspoken bits, then had several miscarriages (over an eight year period) before adoption.

beavisandbutthead · 18/11/2020 20:08

So your parents had a late loss of a baby and you have decided based on that , you would not be here if the baby survived and your upset at your parents not telling you.

I lost a baby at 22 weeks and it was one of the mos horrific things I have ever experienced, My husband and I supported each other through it, it is not something I plan to share with my DC. Why would I. It was a tragic experience for me and there dad. I am not sure what your expecting

Mydogmylife · 18/11/2020 20:09

@oblada

Turtle - sorry about the terminology but yes those skeletons can be related to death (in some form) sadly. Those are the traumas we tend to (naturally) struggle the most with. I am sorry for your losses. Your losses are very much part of your child's history. You don't have to share if you don't want to but if you felt able to then it can only be good for your children to understand where they come from. They will know somehow anyway as children feel our losses even when they cannot put words to them, so openness is best, if possible. History tends to repeat itself when it is not acknowledged sadly. It's just psychology, not my view per say, though it is my understanding of human psychology.
Good grief! This must be one of the most insensitive posts I've seen in a long time . I can't belief you think you can tell turtle how to deal with her loss , your understanding of human psychology is flawed in the extreme
justanotherneighinparadise · 18/11/2020 20:09

@DisneyMillie

I had a miscarriage before my second dd - it was fairly early but pretty traumatic still - I’ve not told my children and I’m not sure I ever will - maybe if they miscarry when they’re older and I want to show I understand but it’s my loss and my sadness not theirs and they have no need to know.

I wouldn’t want someone bringing it up without it being my choice to talk about it. It still hurts when I watch programmes which feature miscarriage.

I can’t even imagine how much more painful a late loss would be - I see no positives for your mum in mentioning it

That’s interesting as I’ve had four losses and mention it quite freely in front of the kids. They understand what happened and why and I didn’t ever consider keeping that to myself 🤔
I8toys · 18/11/2020 20:12

I don't see the point tbh. They've not mentioned it so leave it be.

Bogardicia · 18/11/2020 20:13

Do you mind if I ask what age you are OP?

PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 20:13

The loss was post-24 weeks so there was a death certificate with a name and other details.

So terribly, terribly sad. And traumatic. But sure, go ahead and demand your mother tells you all about it, when she has clearly made the decision not to!

We couldn't possibly have it not "sit right" with you, could we Hmm

SkedaddIe · 18/11/2020 20:13

@upbowcreek

How are you feeling? Have you had time to process your own feelings before speaking to your mum, if you do decide to speak to your mum? It's not completely certain that you wouldn't be born and you could've potentially had another sibling. Do you need to grieve?

NerrSnerr · 18/11/2020 20:14

That’s interesting as I’ve had four losses and mention it quite freely in front of the kids. They understand what happened and why and I
didn’t ever consider keeping that to myself 🤔

That is your choice. You must understand that people react differently and that is fine. Not sure why you needed the emoji. Looks really insensitive.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 18/11/2020 20:15

I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

Very possibly why they didn't tell you? I miscarried my second pregnancy. Had that baby lived, we wouldn't have had another planned child. We decided to tell our DCs when they were old enough. The topic came up on TV and it seemed the right time to tell them. Our youngest child thought about it for a while and said 'you wouldn't have had me of that baby had lived would you?' We reassured her obviously but it was awful for all of us.

iano · 18/11/2020 20:16

I wouldn't. They've told you it happened that's enough imo.
I think you would regret the pain you caused your elderly parents.

foodtoorder · 18/11/2020 20:23

@upbowcreek can I ask how you found out the information?

I have lost at 37 weeks so understand how they may feel.
As you are usually open with them can you go to them and say you want to speak to them about your research? Make clear you don't want to upset them but that you are curious and are sorry for their loss?

You may just make something that is a very painful "secret" to them much easier.

As to knowing you wouldn't be here if it didn't happen, mine wouldn't be here if it didn't happen to me, I honestly feel the same for all of them. It doesn't strike me the they wouldn't be here if my first baby was. I only planned to have one child for health reasons but end up with more.

Good luck op.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2020 20:23

@justanotherneighinparadise

That’s interesting as I’ve had four losses and mention it quite freely in front of the kids. They understand what happened and why and I didn’t ever consider keeping that to myself 🤔

I'm sorry for your losses, it's a terrible thing to go through. I am baffled however at you using an emoji like that so flippantly in a message to someone sharing the way they have chosen to deal with their pregnancy loss. It seems incredibly, horribly insensitive.

callmeadoctor · 18/11/2020 20:26

Erhmmmm Im very confused, your mother DID tell you!

Turtleturtle81 · 18/11/2020 20:26

@Mydogmylife
I know, right?! I’m still trying to work out what she meant by “history will repeat itself” if I don’t tell my daughter about my losses Confused

IHateCoronavirus · 18/11/2020 20:27

Op we went on to have a little boy after DD died. We never for one minute wish she had been here instead of him (with him definitely), we love him entirely for who he is and the joy he brings with his funny little ways. Each child is a gift.

iolaus · 18/11/2020 20:28

[quote BombyliusMajor]@PaperTowels still births after 24 weeks have to be registered like any other birth and death. They are a matter of public record and will come up on ancestry searches.[/quote]
Actually the stillbirth register is not publically available and won't come up on ancestry searches

The only way it would is it the baby was born alive and subsequently died (even if that was only lived for moments)

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/11/2020 20:28

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@justanotherneighinparadise

That’s interesting as I’ve had four losses and mention it quite freely in front of the kids. They understand what happened and why and I didn’t ever consider keeping that to myself 🤔

I'm sorry for your losses, it's a terrible thing to go through. I am baffled however at you using an emoji like that so flippantly in a message to someone sharing the way they have chosen to deal with their pregnancy loss. It seems incredibly, horribly insensitive.[/quote]
I guess it’s however you choose to interpret that particular emoji.

Saxineno · 18/11/2020 20:29

I was wondering, sorry to go slightly off topic, but I'm researching my family tree and I know my mum had a late loss, but not found any details. If you could help point me in the correct location I'd really appreciate it. My mum is gone so can't ask her, but remember her telling me when I was little.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 18/11/2020 20:30

Are you not in the UK OP? because iirc you can only access certificates concerning a still birth if you are the parent. For reasons of privacy and sensitivity, they're not available through general searches of the register.

NerrSnerr · 18/11/2020 20:31

I guess it’s however you choose to interpret that particular emoji.

@justanotherneighinparadise two of us interpreted it as insensitive so it might be worth clarifying what you meant to the PP you spoke to if that's not what you meant.

RaspberryCoulis · 18/11/2020 20:31

She's never said it was a stillborn baby.

ShortSilence · 18/11/2020 20:32

@Bogardicia

Do you mind if I ask what age you are OP?
OP mentioned being in her 40s, I think