Neighbour's noise complaint - what to do?

[Frankola]

I'll try to keep this simple. A bit of backstop first.

A month ago an elderly lady moved into the house next door. This house is a 3 story 4 bedroom property attached to mine.

I have a 4 year old daughter and a husband.

Here's the aibu -
Today I answered the door to my elderly next door neighbour who told me that the noise from my house "everyday from 6pm to 10pm is unacceptable".

When I asked her to elaborate she told me that my 4 year old daughter "bangs and shouts".

I really can't get my head around this. From 6pm we are eating tea and getting a bath! My dd isn't banging a drum kit or learning the bagpipes!

I'm shocked that this woman thinks its acceptable to complain about general family living noises at teatime?! Worse still, when I explained that I was quite confused as I'd never had any issues with neighbours over the previous 4 years we've lived there she told me "well you do have a problem now"!

I'm now driving myself mad with the idea shes going to report us to the police or social services or continue to cause us issues with her complaints.

So - aibu to post dog shit through her letterbox?
Seriously though - what would you do?

Oh just saw mention of the console at night - does your DH play with others and chat to them over a headset? We used to live downstairs from some guy who would go raiding all night with his guild - we knew exactly what game he was playing because the whole time he was screaming into his headset to them to do stuff or just bellowing "FUCK FUCK FUCK WHERE DID THAT FIREBALL COME FROM" and "HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED" and other jolly things you want to hear at 4am through the ceiling when you have to get up for work the next morning.

I never understand people like her. Why would you give up a detached pad to live in a flat, semi or terraced home, unless you don't have a choice? The noise levels will be different. We have 2 kids under 5 and are in a detached home. I cannot hear my neighbours older kids unless they are in the garden or out front. I would hope that they don't hear mine but they do cry, tantrum and fight at 3 and 4 years old. My parents are in a semi and when in the living room you can hear the neighbours so I am mindful when we visit. When I lived at home I could hear their much younger kids waking up in the night and crying, they probably do hear my kids when we visit. To me it is all swings and roundabouts. If you would rather not be inconvenienced by kids noise do not live on an estate which is likely to attract families and always go for a detached pad. Of course we should all try to be considerate of neighbours but some noise especially during the day is to be expected. Assuming she is not going to bed between 6 and 10pm, what is her issue?

Seriously though - what would you do?

Buy your daughter a trumpet.

[quote Frankola]@alicemck I actually read my books on a night. My dh plays on his console though so I might tell him to turn it down more than he does at the moment[/quote]
I’d ignore her, if she comes back give her a list of the noise she’s made with her builders. I don’t think it’s an age thing. All our neighbours are middle to old aged, I know next door can hear mine have screaming matches and me screaming at them but they don’t complain as they have been there themselves. All our elderly neighbours love hearing our kids playing and fighting, I know because they have approached me and told me how nice it is to hear kids being kids. When I’ve apologised for their screaming (3 girls) they laugh and say it takes them back to when the street was full of kids.

It’s her problem not yours.

Does your husband play the console in an adjoining room?

My relative has a house that size (moved in a while ago and she is lovely so not OP's nieghbour) because she anticipates needing a carer some time in the future, luckily she is wealthy enough to afford one. The top floor is reserved for the carer.

YANBU OP, I wouldn't give her the time of day tbh. Keep a log of the incidents incase it gets to harassment level. It sounds like you are doing nothing wrong, children make more noise than adults, that's just the way it is.

Is your tv attached to an adjoining wall? The sound can really carry through the wall as speakers are on the back of the tv.

[quote BitOfFun]@thevassal You are posting as though the OP is the person you've quoted- she isn't![/quote]
I know she's not! A rogue "OP" went lost between my second and third paragraph - thanks phone!

OP you do sound like my kind of neighbours! (also not a morning person!)

Ah, bloody phones!

Had this with neighbour at the bottom of the garden so our garden then her garden away. She insisted we were playing music at midnight, we all go to bed at 10 so assured her it was not us, nor I suspect anyone else. An early sign of dementia/alzheimers my gp friend told me is hearing things that nobody else can hear. We ignored the neighbour and never heard from her again.

It’s difficult to say whether YABU or not. People have different opinions on what level of noise is acceptable. I think any noise which interferes with the enjoyment of my home is unacceptable. I won’t make allowances for someone who thinks just because they have young children that any level of shrieking and screaming is okay. Because it really isn’t.

my friend had a neighbour who complained about the noise and the spying on him

he eventually moved and guess what - yep his new neighbours made lots of noise and speed on him

its not always as it seems

op if you've got a young child, what time is bedtime?

id suggest you keep a diary of the times your dc goes to bed each night

if the lady does complain then she will be asked t keep a diary of the noise.

if you keep a diary of the bedtime this will show any discrepancies

4 hours of banging and shouting is a lot if that’s what really happens. Could she be banging toys on the wall or along the radiators while you’re cooking, or getting excited and shouting? Does the bathroom wall connect to next door, maybe the noise of bath toys hitting the wall or sides of the bath travels? Or running up and down the stairs causing the banging?

I imagine your neighbour must be quite fed up to come round and complain.

I’ve lived in houses and flats with terrible soundproofing, you could hear taps turning on and off, people coughing and walking around. In one flat there was a small child who ran around all evening banging things against my wall, it was really annoying, I couldn’t relax or even hear the TV.

What time does your daughter go to bed, is she not asleep by around 8pm? If so could it be something else banging, like the washing machine or someone loading the dishwasher?

Ok she would hate us I have 2 DC one plays the trumpet and guitar, the other piano and drums
As well as a dog 🤣

DH and I live with our 22 year old son, NDN is a single grandparent and when his small grandchildren visit its surprising how much noise you can hear (little feet running about, and their voices do sound really loud). Our house was built in the 1940s so its pretty solid too. I think the reason we hear so much is because we dont have much noise from our side, and next door is usually completely silent so we aren't used to it.

I guess it's the same with your neighbour, her house is probably really quiet and she isnt used to the noise. However, i dont think she really has any right to complain if its just normal family noise. I wouldnt do anything, she sounds like she is being unreasonable.

[quote Frankola]@alicemck I actually read my books on a night. My dh plays on his console though so I might tell him to turn it down more than he does at the moment[/quote]
My neighbour plays his console and it really makes a noise and carries. You’ll have learned to tune it out. Why not investigate that as a possibility? Obviously we have no idea if this is an issue but you did mention getting him to turn it down....

buy a very loud sound system with plenty of bass place it up close to the joining wall ..lay back and enjoy

I really hope you won’t let your family life be affected by this! Have a think about possible things - is the tv on an adjoining wall? (If so it can be moved: that’s just being considerate.) Are people thundering up the stairs? (It’s reasonable to try not to do do.) Does your partner bellow excitedly while playing his console?

Assuming not, just carry on living your lives. She’s clearly not used to adjoining houses. They are very different in noise terms from detached & it sounds like she did not appreciate this before moving. This is her mistake. Environmental Health will tell her this.

And as others have said keep a note of all complaints.

Don’t bother trying to be her friend. Pointless. If she wanted friendly neighbours she would have approached you differently.

Do not let it bother you ! Forget she even exists don't try to be quite neither just carry on living your life's as normal

Could you give it a week or two and just happen to catch her outside and ask how the noise has been as you've been keeping it down- doesn't matter if you've actually done anything different just use it as a friendly way to then ask specifically what the noise is and you'll know if it's actually you or the other side? If it's just general life noise, like walking up the stairs then it's her issue to adjust, but if it's your tv being louder than you realise it's something you could fix pretty easily... unless she just wants drama.

I have 2 small dc and often chat with elderly NDN when we see them. I've asked a number of times if they get noise from us and tell them if it's ever too loud or bothers them just tell me. They've never had a problem and my dc can be loud! The layouts mean our living spaces are on the party walls and stairs on the detached side (who designed that?!).

At my mums I've also said to her neighbours please tell me if they're too noisy when we're there. One side is a bit of a knob anyway so I don't worry about him, but the other is a lovely 50 something single lady and she says she loves it when she can hear the kids as she feels safer- she seems to like the feral wolf children dc though.

@majesticallyawkward why should she. That's just showing the old lady she's got power. Plus why be nice and make the effort when this neighbour is clearly Not wanting to be freinds. OP should just fully ignore her. I know that this woman is one of those who just wants drama

In these situations I usually am very proactive and smiley, but reinforce my own message. Like a very jolly broken record.

I’d likely pick ‘Was thinking of you the other day- how’s the readjustment from detached house to attached house going? Yes, it can take a while. I remember moving here from an apartment- like chalk n cheese. Likely by Christmas it’ll be like your other house never happened. This’ll be your ‘new normal’ soon enough. Fingers crossed for you! Bye now’

I’d probably have the 4yo make a little card for her.... and take a pic of the delivery. Makes it a bit harder for her to be cross, and engage others in her crossness. Then you just get to do ‘sad face’ when she sends the council round. If they come, which seems very unlikely.

And if you don’t want to start an all out war, ignore Babybumpxox’s advice 🙄 There’s more adult ways of approaching the situation. Offer to sit down with her and discuss. You’ll be able to get more of an idea of what specific noise she is referring to and be able to both come to a compromise.

I honestly couldnt be bothered with people like this.
I would have smiled, advised her to call the council, wished her a good day and never answered the door to her ever again.