AIBU to have concerns about my husband's attitude to our children's safety?

[Kerals26]

Please can I ask whether you think I am being unreasonable to be worried about my husband’s stance/behaviour on these kid’s safety issues? When I’ve tried to raise these things with him I usually get told I’m being over-sensitive and very little, if anything, changes. Here goes:

• Leaves dangerous things lying around – for example, antifreeze in a bottle without a lid on the other day (in a VIMTO bottle nonetheless, so very appealing to the kids). Other times – bottles of superglue, random car and or chemical stuff etc. When my eldest was a baby I asked him not to put a device with a button battery within reach in her room. He argued, put it out of reach and then moved it down a few days later without my knowledge. I then found her in said room with said item, with the button battery missing which resulted in an incredibly stressful 45 minutes on the phone to 111 and searching for the battery, worried that her insides could be being burnt by it, as per the BBC info-campaign I’d seen. I found the battery, but that wasn’t really the point.
• Refuses to move his toiletries bag from within reach of the children – these contain his medication and scissors. On another occasion, our 20-month-old accessed his medication from his toiletries bag, after he pooh-pahed my concern about this. He then told me I was being paranoid about her holding his pills as she couldn’t get them out. I decided to let it run while watching her the whole time, to prove the risk to him – within minutes she had the pills out of their packaging and in her hand. He then had to come running through to get them away from her, as I was breastfeeding my youngest. Despite this incident, he still leaves his toiletries and medication in the same place, despite me clearing space for these items in an alternative place in the bathroom.
• Leaves the children in the car alone – its hard to tell how long this is for and at what distance. I know he left both kids in the car when he was at a workshop recently. He told me he got my eldest out when she set the alarm off, and left the younger one sleeping. I think the car was in sight of the workshop. When they went of running errands recently my eldest also told me ‘Daddy left us in the car watching Peppa Pig’. I don’t know were they were or how long this was for but if it was for 2 minutes to pay for petrol while watching the car, I can’t see he’d have set Peppa Pig up.
• Leaves fire starting materials in reach of the children – matches, firelighters, fire starting fluids (albeit with child proof tops), insecticide spray and poop-pahing me when I have said I want to move these out of reach.
• Refused to get a fireguard when the kids were younger (and wont now, although there are older and more aware of fire safety).
• Takes the kids to the park and leaves them in the enclosed area while he drives his monster truck adjacent to the park. The kids are 3 and 4 so I often end up ‘spotting’ or assisting them on equipment when I take them to the park. Him not being very nearby, to dive in if required, bothers me.
• Installing locks on the children’s doors and locking them into their room to play, while he works in another room (‘supervising’ them on their babycam). I don’t like the ‘distance supervising’ or the psychological impact of them feeling ‘locked in’. They have told me they don’t like it.
• Inadequate supervision when out – on several occasions my eldest has told me they got ‘lost’ or couldn’t find Daddy, when they were out. In the summer he had them all day at a public event and my eldest told me there were approached by a lady asking where their Mummy was. I feel they must have been out of his sight for a while on this occasion (he admitted to me they had ‘gone round the back of the tent’ at one point) as, as an adult, I tend to observe potentially lost children for a little while before approaching them , looking round for a parent who may be watching from a distance or frantically looking for them.

What do you think of these behaviours? AIBU to be really worried?

The fact you are questioning whether you should be worried concerns me.

I think you need to get the children out of that environment before you start to normalise such risky behaviour.

If I saw this kind of behaviour, I'd be reporting him for neglect. If he were my husband, he'd be out of the door after the first repeated incident (medications, for example).

Normally, I'm not quick to recommend LTB, but in this case - its your kids lives at stake and you repeatedly raised this with him without result - I'd send him packing.

OP do not be tempted to just disappear with the children. He will find you and it would massively count against you in any proceedings. The DA advisor will make a safety plan with you and advise you on collecting evidence. Be aware though that she will probably make a safeguarding referral, I know I would.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

JESUS CHRIST are you sure he’s not actually trying to kill them?!?

I stand by my previous comment. OP are you sure he is not actively meaning them harm? Because please explain to me how you can “accidentally” leave an open bottle of antifreeze in a vimto bottle. This does not seem like an accident to me.

Seriously, this could escalate quickly. I would worry from this behaviour that he could end up purposefully killing them, or at least making a bigger attempt.

You need to get out ASAP. I have seen so many cases of policemen murdering their families, seems to be a particular obsession with control and feeling of being above the law that combines in some cases to make family annihilation a path they choose. If he has any idea that you are considering leaving him, this gets more dangerous.

He’s an irresponsible idiot.
I knew a police officer who thought exposing his DCs to serious dangers would ‘toughen them up’
It didn’t. One child drowned in a water trough and he tried to blame his poor wife for letting them play with water when she was 18 miles away at work. He had a bloody answer for everything.
Fgs leave the b...... before something horrendous happens to one of your DCs.

OP I think you need to maybe think about starting threads where people can give proper help and advice.

People who haven't read your previous threads won't be aware that you are already 100% clear that your husbands behaviour and lack of regard for safety is dangerous and unreasonable - but by asking in the OP and title repeatedly if you are being unreasonable, that isn't clear and so most people will respond just confirming that yes he's unreasonable, or (rightfully) pointing out you must leave him.

Wouldn't it make more sense to start a thread saying you KNOW your husband is abusive for xyz reason and asking for help, resources, charities etc that might be able to help you?

You have multiple threads and people are all advising you to leave him but for the most part you say (understandably) that you're terrified of him having alone time with them.

But because of that fear the only solution you can see at the moment is to stay with him permanently. So you need help to identify other alternative solutions and work towards them.

But by posting lots asking if you're being unreasonable when you know you aren't, or if he's behaving dangerously when you know he is, you're positioning yourself as not being able to judge if he is abusive or not when that isn't the case - you know he is and you are building a case. I would think it's best to tell people that outright and ask what else you can do to get your kids safe instead of asking if he is being unreasonable when you know he is.

Words fail me! What a total piece of shit he is. Get out now while you still have two children. I wonder what Social Services would make of his parenting. Please leave him now, you will never have a moments piece while you stay with him. Your poor children I feel sorry for them having a father like that.

Not really sure why you husband agreed to be a dad when he doesn't seem to give much of a shit about the children he has had... actions speak louder than words and his neglectful actions speak volumes. Sorry you have to live with this OP :(

I read your other threads and thought you should leave him based on those, but what you have written in your OP here is horrifying. I would be looking to leave as soon as possible and limiting the amount of contact he has with the DC. He clearly has issues and can’t be trusted to look after them alone. I know it’s hard and scary but his behaviour could have caused the death of one of your DC on several of the occasions you mention!

I agree with what youvegottenminuteslynn says.

Only when you posted links to your other threads did I realise you are the same person.

This makes my blood run cold. I'm a social worker, btw)
This is grounds for a Section 47 enquiry.
Section 47(1) of the Children Act 1989 states that:
Where a local authority… have reasonable cause to suspect that a child who lives, or is found, in the area and is suffering, or is likely to suffer, Significant Harm, the authority shall make, such enquiries as they consider necessary to enable them to decide whether they should take any action to safeguard or promote the child’s welfare…

Following assessment, legal proceedings could be taken to remove the children, on the grounds that:
The child is suffering or is likely to suffer Significant Harm;
The harm or likelihood of harm is attributable to a lack of adequate parental care or control.

Please take steps to protect and safeguard your children.
If your husband is coercive and controlling, get in touch with Children's Services for help, as he is endangering them in the house and outside. Also, understand that you are currently failing to protect them if you let him continue.

Another thumbs up for what @youvegottenminuteslynn said (amazing username btw).

Not everyone reads all the threads on here, so many people are replying without knowing the full story. If you'd posted this stuff on your other threads about the pizza or the 'threatening divorce', you'd have got some v different answers.

I'd start a new thread in the Relationships board asking for help leaving, you'll get lots of advice from posters who are (sadly) experienced in these matters and can help you put together a plan.

Genuinely sounds like he wants to kill them

So sorry OP you must live in constant stress

Based off @youvegottenminuteslynn post about your previous posts I’d advise starting a photo diary detailing all of the neglect/danger to try and avoid him having unsupervised contact once you leave him

Make sure you have somewhere safe (physical and digital ) to put your evidence.

If I had the resources and depending on COVID restrictions - I would be taking the DCs away this weekend - and not coming back.

Have you tried your HV team as well as SS? I wonder if SS figure that as you’re there the kids are safe.

OP, I've 'lurked' on this website for a long time, but I've never commented on a post before, even when I've been really riled by something.

I've made an account today just to say the below:

You are in danger.

Your children are in danger.

I'm sorry.

Your husband is demonstrating terrifying, controlling tendencies. This is not going to get better. He is not going to change. You need to get out. Do you have any family you can take the children to? Show them the series of posts you've made on here. Ask them for help.

You are at most heightened risk trying to leave him (but at constant risk if you stay). This is the point that controlling people tend to 'snap'.

If he snaps, this is what will happen: he will try to manipulate you. He will contact your family and friends and try to manipulate them. He will try to convince people you are crazy, and he is a poor, kind confused man. He is not. He will try to convince you you are crazy. You are not. He will try to convince you you are ruining his and your children's lives. You are not. He will threaten you. He might say he'll kill himself without you. He might threaten to hurt you or your children.

You need help and support OP, but more importantly, you need to trust your instincts. You know something isn't right with him, for all his trying to convince you that you are the problem.

The first step is to get somewhere safe, then take it from there. Separate, apply for him to supervised (if any) contact of the children only. Stay strong x

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/domestic-violence-helplines

Good grief, that is a list of what-not-to-do with your children. I am so sorry OP. This is so stressful and dangerous. Frankly, Social Care would be at your door for this if they knew.

I'm a chilled parent but all of those are terrible. I imagine it adds so much extra stress to your life having to move stuff all the time and never feel relaxed when he has them alone.

Funny to ask, but is DH possibly on the autism spectrum? A friend of mine's DH (with autism) had some very similar problems, and her DH just could not visualise the risk to their children. It took a GP AND health visitor sitting him down and saying "These are the expectations for safety for your children. If you lock them in a room, they will die if there is a fire. If you do not watch them in the park, they will fall off the climbing frame." They had to schedule time for his gaming and hobby at specific times and set him a timetable for "supervised childcare". We all found it really strange, but he needed a professional to believe it wasn't just his wofe being overprotective and trying to change his routine.

I'm a very chilled out parent of the "They bounce" mentality with a lot of things. There's several on your list I would hit the absolute roof over.

@StepBackPlease

Another thumbs up for what *@youvegottenminuteslynn* said (amazing username btw).

Not everyone reads all the threads on here, so many people are replying without knowing the full story. If you'd posted this stuff on your other threads about the pizza or the 'threatening divorce', you'd have got some v different answers.

I'd start a new thread in the Relationships board asking for help leaving, you'll get lots of advice from posters who are (sadly) experienced in these matters and can help you put together a plan.

@StepBackPlease - yeah I know it's disjointed. I wanted to see what people thought straight up, without potentially being biased by my previous posts.

Another one here expecting to hear he serves the fish fingers a bit warm, but he’s a fucking danger. Leaving them alone while he drives his monster truck is worthy of divorce.