I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

[NameChangeMillionthTime]

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

The crying just sounds like they're manipulating you, frankly, and it's working.

Practise repeating "Sorry you feel that way. DH is looking after the presents from now on." Ad nauseum.

We (me, husband and wider extended family) haven't bought gifts for adults for years. We agreed that it was stressful, more than we could afford and that we'd prefer to spend the money on nice food and drink when we got together. But I live in a sane family! if you can't agree among yourselves that this is sensible, then you, OP, have to impose it unilaterally, don't you? After all, they have unilaterally stopped giving you gifts.

And as for the fact that your SIL, being without children, receives no gifts for her kids in return for the gifts she buys - well:

1. she's an adult and can treat herself to whatever she wants, whenever she can afford it, whereas children can't
2. she doesn't have kids of her own to buy for, hence more disposable income.

What are you going to do, OP?

They sound fucking demented. Just WhatsApp everyone and say you’re only buying presents for the kids this year. If they kick off just just agree:

‘Yes, it is terribly sad’, ‘Yes, I do feel awful’, ‘Yes, I am ashamed of myself’, ‘Yes, you’re lucky you’re such a thoughtful person’. They’ll get fed up eventually.

@NameChangeMillionthTime

Every year DH and I have the same argument with my DH. The problem is that they buy my DC presents, even though they put no thought into it. I really don't like my SIL very much. I think she is very spoilt and entitled. She honestly expects DH and I to be her surrogate Father Christmas and come up with lovey presents for her every year and gets in a massive sulk. She usually sends me a note saying "I'd really like this for Christmas but understand if it is too much money" or she will send me links to 3 things and say something like "I can't choose between these things". She is the ultimate CF'er and sorry to say I find it hard to stand up to this as my MIL kicks off if we don't humour her as she is mainly single (this is the latest BF) and apparently doesn't get loads of presents. Well, TBH after I have bought my DC's presents, in-laws and my DF plus food to entertain them, we can't afford to buy ME and DH any presents so I don't get any either.

Every year I hate Christmas because of this shit and now there is another person in the mix.

@NameChangeMillionthTime FFS. This is YOUR xmas. And you hate it. Woman up and start doing it your way. Your Xmas. Your rules. If they never get you presents, at best, get a token box of Maltese's and say firmly and dismissively "oh no, we're all above that nonsense! We decided there's no more presents for adults, after all I/we haven't bothered with any for years! It's just for the children!" And laugh the CF and her guilt-tripping manipulations off. You are being taken for a MUG.

*In the past I have tried to stop it. I have said, please don't buy the DC very much, let's cut down etc. but to no avail. Once they started crying in front of me saying they love receiving presents.

Honestly, this is how I got here and I am not making this shit up. It's like the fucking twilight zone.*

You just need to stop. Let them cry. Who gives a shit??

Just don’t do it. For gods sake. What are they going to do? So they cry, so what.

God threads like these give me hypertension because the OP has already said she won’t stand up to MIL/SIL/DH

A Top Gear DVD for “you”?
They really are a pair of arseholes, aren’t they?!

It seems your husband is totally on board with this transactional approach. And it’s not a bad one - it’s not unfair, and at least it’s simple if people just say what they want. If you know you’re spending £60 on Clarins or whatever and getting £60 back on presents for the children and can specify what to buy, can you take £60 off your own present budget for them?

But definitely stop sorting them out for your husband. I’m guessing your part time job now means that you have all the spare time vs him now, right? 🙄

Tbh, if they’re saying what they want, it’s not like he even has to get off his arse, with online shopping.

As I said earlier, I would plan to give the boyfriend something - but keep it to a bottle of wine. Or course, enjoy writing “to SIL & boyfriend” on expensive skincare or clothing 🤣

@NameChangeMillionthTime

How did I get into this mess. Well, there are a few reasons Cocomarine:

I used to earn a lot of money before DC, so MIL and SIL think we are loaded. 3 DC later, a mortgage and a much, much lesser paid p/t job and we are now most definitely not.

In the past MIL has bought DH a present e.g. a drill or a DVD of Top Gear and written "To DS and Namechange".

In the past SIL was always single and MIL got upset that she didn't have any presents.

It is very transactional between DH and his mum and SIL. I spent £60 on your DC and I would like this Clarins/ Jigsaw clothing/ Estee Lauder gift set in return (costing nearly the same as what they spent).

In the past I have tried to stop it. I have said, please don't buy the DC very much, let's cut down etc. but to no avail. Once they started crying in front of me saying they love receiving presents.

Honestly, this is how I got here and I am not making this shit up. It's like the fucking twilight zone.

Right - the MIL is ALLOWED to get upset. The sky will not cave in. What might happen is that she realises emotional blackmail isn't going to work any longer

What does crying upset emotional whining about presents remind you of? A 3 yr old? She's an adult. It is not up to her to whine at you, that you need to be the one buying things for her daughter! Unbelievable

Regift the shit stuff she bought the kids to her

Seriously though, tell your husband that gifts for his side of the family are his responsibility, and the budget per person is £x - be clear so he doesn’t go overboard leaving you short for everyone else.

Or - might be a bit late this year - do a Secret Santa draw for the adults. We use www.drawnames.co.uk/ which works well. Set a budget, set exclusions (so you don’t draw SIL for example ) and you can put your list of stuff on their too.

But seriously, stop taking this all on! It’s not your responsibility!

I have a friend whose MIL is like that. Literally demands very expensive presents like designer handbags, and complains when the present is not expensive enough. Like a toddler.

She usually sends me a note saying "I'd really like this for Christmas but understand if it is too much money" or she will send me links to 3 things and say something like "I can't choose between these things".

Replies: Yes, it's too much. Choose what you like and buy it for yourself'
Add: My gift to my DH's family is hosting and funding a Christmas gathering.

For goodness sake, she's 50, it's her turn to host this surely. I would say to her NOW, "don't buy for the kids anymore they're too old, no more presents" and not buy for her either.

If your DH wants to go running round the shops let him, let him choose, buy, wrap and label. I bet he will support you if that is the alternative.

So what if they start crying? Laugh and tell them to grow up and get a fucking grip.

You simply say that you can't afford it. Why are you putting on this huge show of being able to cater for them and buy them presents when it leaves you with zero money to buy something for yourself?

That's insane

Sorry but YABU. This is so easy to resolve.

Just hand over present buying responsibilities to DH.

And ask them to bring something in the way of food or drink, and absolutely make sure the thing you ask them to bring is something you don't care about, but they, and DH will care about. So if they don't bring the stinky cheese/whiskey/Xmas Pud, you couldn't care less and they have to do without.

I have to agree with PP - you are coming across as a total martyr.

Honestly, this is how I got here and I am not making this shit up. It's like the fucking twilight zone.

And it's your life so it's your responsibility to get out of it

Either stop buying and stop inviting them over or leave EVERYTHING to DH

@ThistleWitch

box of maltesers each

This😂😂

While you’re about telling your husband what he should be doing... include the 6 hours of cooking in that.

I would pre-empt the boyfriend thing. Email SIL now and say, we’re going to get him a bottle of wine - if he’s not sure what to get us, wine or chocolates is fine. Then stand firm if she comes back with a suggestion. Be honest - beyond our budget, no. Ideally, get your husband to send the email, but it doesn’t sound like he has your back 😕 so at least copy him, then leave any back and forth to him.

I'd either

Reply to any email requesting present with an link for something you'd like/kids/dh

Or buy her a passive aggressive gift. Something like smellies or plonk. Or both one for your kids one from dh and you.

While you’re about telling your husband what he should be doing... include the 6 hours of cooking in that.

THIS!

What does your DH say when they cry? What does he say about them never buying presents for you? Or the drill that was your present too?

I would be massively disappointed with seeing how little he is prepared to stand up for me, his wife, and consider my feelings. Even if it's not a case of 'putting you first' why do your feelings matter so much less than theirs?

I would use the unusual nature of current events, and say to your husband I'd had enough of being put last and that Covid had made me realise life is too short to go on putting up with this. They will not be invited for Boxing Day. You want someone else to host this time as you've done it loads and just been taken for granted. He needs to tell them. And if he doesn't want to he will be doing all the present buying, cooking for them, on the budget you would otherwise use for their presents. You will be out or watching films in bed (keep the option of 'lost my sense of taste, better self isolate') up your sleeve.

You will get push back. It's been easier for everyone, including you, to just let this slide over the years. But life IS short, and isn't it time to stop accepting this unhappy charade?

I’m in a slightly similar position. My plan for this year is to buy a trolley of shopping, take a photo of it, wrap the photo of it as a bookmark in a new paperback from Amazon and donate the shopping to the local food bank.

I will be telling all adults that this is their present this year. I do feel a little guilty that I’m using the this year’s extraordinary circumstances as an excuse for breaking the tradition of me spending a fortune and receiving crap. The books will be thoughtfully chosen and provide presents to unwrap on the day.

It would be a particularly selfish person who could complain this year, when many will go without this Christmas.

You still haven't explained why you do it instead of DH. This is so easy to resolve:

"Hi SIL and MIL. Letting you know that DH will be sorting out all the gifts for his side of the family for Christmas from now on, so please send any suggestions/correspondence direct to him."

And if he doesn't get around to sorting it, you've saved the cost of SIL's gift. And all the fall out gets passed straight to DH.

Sod that I'd get them a token bottle of wine each.

I can't stand selfish CFs like this! What happened before you were in their lives, it doesn't sound like your husband was buying whatever his mother and sister demanded. I bet he didn't buy them anything! This year is a great excuse to change the status quo. Tell them no presents for adults from now on, you cannot afford it. If they want to buy a token present for the children, that's up to them but not expected. Your gift to the whole family is your time, effort and expense in hosting and catering for them. If you can't bring yourself to say it, get your husband to tell them.