I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

[NameChangeMillionthTime]

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

Really this year is the year of all years when things can be changed and now is the time to do it.
Family email to the whole lot FROM DH NOT YOU:
Dear Family, Namechange and I are really looking forward to seeing you all at Christmas. Bla bla. This year things have been tough for everyone so we've decided we'll do things a bit differently. We won't be doing presents for grownups (except for a little food or soap gift each) and the dcs have been told not to expect lots this year. On the day if you could arrive around (time) that would be great. We'll cook XYZ, mum could bring some ABC , SIL and bf can you do a DEF and Auntie Mary please would you do your lovely whatever pudding. Can't wait to see you all and get together, Lots of love DH

YANBU to not buy for the boyfriend. But as he's coming round, I would get a token gift; a book maybe. Just so it's not awkward if he pulls out a gift for you.

Are all the adults contributing to the food costs? If not, do you rotate each year so it's not always on you? If you do rotate then I wouldn't think to charge for him given they feed your kids and you every year. If it's always on you, then don't buy more, just make the adults all get less each.

I can kind of see why SIL wants a gift if she spends £60 on your kids, then I'd return the favour too given she won't be having kids in the future. And £60 seems pretty fair; under £20 per child would be tricky to buy for these days.

She's definitely cheeky to ask for specific items and make such a big thing of it.

It's cruel that MIL doesn't get you a gift. I can understand why SIL doesn't (otherwise she pays out loads and gets little in return) but MIL is different, she should want to gift you something, however cheap yet thoughtful.

Well, you’ve said she’s a spoiled brat and spoiled brats use tears for manipulation. Because they work. Hell, it worked on you, unfortunately.

I’m going to point out something I haven’t seen mentioned in the comments. You say you have to is argument with DH every year. Let’s say this goes on for 20 years. Minimum, you lose a day a year to the argument (the argument itself, then the silences, sharp retorts, sulks, and hopefully, you make up within a day). Then you say you hate Boxing Day itself because of them. Do you understand when put together over 20 years, 20 days of arguments and 20 days of terrible Boxing Days, that’s 40 days of shite? You’ve lost A MONTH of your life to this? Is it worth it????

You can stop it right now. Send them an email or text (because they will verbally or with tears manipulate you) and say, “2020 has made us really re-evaluate our priorities and like everyone else, we’ve had to tighten our belts, so our gift to you will be the significant money we spend on the food and beverage for dinner, which we’ve already had to budget for, and we request no presents for ourselves or DC.” Do not give in to any arguments after that. If they want to argue, you can cancel Boxing Day all together. You need to not be afraid or embarrassed by whatever they say, or you’ll be putting up with this for the rest of your life, and it will cast a pall over your Christmas, with you dreading Boxing Day forever. And it is absolutely insane for you to spend money on a present for another adult so that you have no present yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give your best mate.

Didn't have time to read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been suggested but you could just go passive aggressive with this lovely gift from Oxfam

onlineshop.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/charity-gift-card/pile-of-poo-ou1007ml

Tell her COVID has really made you think about things and you've decided you want to make a difference to the world.

Do not buy for them, they sound horrible and thoughtless.. If she asked where is my present say you assumed as she didn't buy for adults you shouldn't either and tell her she doesn't like what you get anyway! Don't fork out hosting for Christmas, tell them to get lost I would!

There is a thread on MN at the moment about DIL being dumped by the inlaws the minute they divorce there DS. Remember that when your there enabling there shitty behaviour.

Hand it over to DH. But if your wanted something to say I'd use the pandemic as an excuse that your being extra cautious with money so your not doing presents but they're very welcome to come and have a lovely dinner and spend some "family time" together. Let her know that your not expecting her to buy for DC's.

Ugh no I wouldn't buy either of them any presents, they don't deserve it.

Just say I think it's best if we dont buy for adults this year. We are struggling a bit and on top of xmas dinner it's all too much. Then buy them a small minding from the kids like a bottle of wine or chocolates. She has a boyfriend to buy for her and a mother.

DC can make something for them and write thank you notes for Boxing Day which is only polite. You can also thank them on behalf of children and beam happily when DC hand over home made biscuits or shopbought soap. Exchange of presents sorted, when she sends expensive wish list to you explain DC have limited resources and will get her a surprise present along with granny. When they are earning might be a more appropriate time for expensive presents. Suggest she brings food to shared meal at your house....

Can you explain why its you going out/choosing/buying these gifts? Presumably your sil is buying gifts for her brothers children, and ultimately the onus is on him to sort it

Fuck it, use the money you'd spend on food and gifts to check into a hotel and have a rest and read books, eat food someone else has cooked and watch TV and get a good nights sleep.

They can get on with doing whatever they want for boxing day.

They sound awful. If you’re doing all the cooking, why bother with giving them presents.
And why are you even buying for your DHs family in the first place? Why isn’t it his job? Does he buy gifts for your family?!
If you can, I’d cancel the meal. They sound awful and your DH needs to step up.

For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that

Fuck that. Was your husband there when this was said, and if so what did he say in reply? I would have had nothing to do with MIL (or SIL if she was there/knew about it) after that unless strictly necessary. She sounds awful and ill bred.

SIL & MIL need to grow the fuck up. If she wants a clarins gift set she should but it fit herself. Unfortunately If you stop the presents I do think she’ll stop buying your DC one too, as she sees that as the ‘exchange’.

It's your dh's problem, let him deal with it.

Re you hosting and the costs of food etc. Yes, ask them each to bring a dish, ask sil (she has no kids, and is fit and well) to make an elaborate pudding, and ask mil for something easier like bread pudding. Make sure the two dishes are very different so they can't collaborate adn turn up with one dish between them.

When I say ask, I mean TELL. Don't negotiate, just say costs are getting higher, you're concentrating on making sure the children are happy and have a really great Xmas, and so, SIL I'd like you to bring this pudding, and MIL I'd like you to bring this. SIL, your boyfriend could provide champagne (we'll need a couple of bottles don't you think?) or the children would love this or this.....

Complaints? Sorry, mil/sil, things aren't easy for us any more. Before we had children we were high earners but that's not been the case for years! Xmas is expensive when you have children, and they're the most important aren't they? SIL, that's why you see it as such a special time for you - because your pparents made it succh a special time for you when you were a kid; now dh and I are doing that for our children.....

You're all adults. They're old enough to understand it's (a) rude to tell people what they should buy you as a present; (b) it's rude to tell someone who's gone to the effort of buying you a gift that it's not worth as much as you expect; (c) there may be occassions when people can't afford to splash out on gifts; (d) as a guest, they should be, at the very least, bringing you a nice bunch of flowers / bottle of wine / cake to thank you for being the host.

At the risk of sounding harsh, your MIL and SIL are not your family and not your responsibility. It's your DH's responsibility to buy presents for his family and deal with any complaints about said presents. Direct any passive aggressive barbs from his family members to your DH in future. e.g. "Thanks for your message MIL, I've passed it on to DH for him to respond to. May be quicker to call him directly next time." Then forget about it and move on.

@HuntedForest

Get the DC to make her and MiL something. And "don't forget your mum and sister are coming for Christmas DH!"

And make sure your sister brings a bf too. And let your sister in law and mother in law know. Haha

Anyway, I usually get them store brought cookies or candies

Then let them cry OP? Stop letting them manipulate you.

@NameChangeMillionthTime

Every year DH and I have the same argument with my DH. The problem is that they buy my DC presents, even though they put no thought into it. I really don't like my SIL very much. I think she is very spoilt and entitled. She honestly expects DH and I to be her surrogate Father Christmas and come up with lovey presents for her every year and gets in a massive sulk. She usually sends me a note saying "I'd really like this for Christmas but understand if it is too much money" or she will send me links to 3 things and say something like "I can't choose between these things". She is the ultimate CF'er and sorry to say I find it hard to stand up to this as my MIL kicks off if we don't humour her as she is mainly single (this is the latest BF) and apparently doesn't get loads of presents. Well, TBH after I have bought my DC's presents, in-laws and my DF plus food to entertain them, we can't afford to buy ME and DH any presents so I don't get any either.

Every year I hate Christmas because of this shit and now there is another person in the mix.

It's in your hands to put a stop to it.

Hahaha nah see id be a right petty bitch about this.

Adopt a pig in her name.

When MIL kicks off I'd act just as offended that she didn't like the gift and ask why she was being so hysterical. It's Christmas, a time for love. Act totally dumbfounded and confused.

Great show.

For Christmas my parents cater and they pay for food and just buy us a token gift which we call table presents (think of a lynx set or similar usually around 5-7 pounds). The kids get a normal gift from them. i buy everyone normal gifts. Just tell the cheeky cow you have catered a lovely meal and drinks for her and 'thank you for the lovely gift she must have left at home'

Don't get them anything, if she mentions it or sulks simply tell her that you won't be expecting her to contribute towards the food or drink you'll be providing over Xmas and as such won't be buying them anything.

No point anyone on here getting in a froth about your obvious doormat tendencies, because given that you're an adult with the power of speech and a clear idea of what is right or wrong, the power is in your hands to stop it.

FFS. Pussy the fuck up and be an adult, especially when everyone around you behaves like a child.

Just don't invite them and say you're not doing Christmas with them this year as the costs keep adding up.

Tell them not to buy for your kids and you'll buy a present and put their name on it.

Put your foot down.

Also if my DH bought his sister a present and not me cause we're broke, I would see my arse!!!