I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

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SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

The thing with saying we are only buying for children is the op sil doesn't have children the Op does
So in that case I would buy sil a small gift as she is having to buy for kids , but would be a token gift from children

So don’t do it.

Don't do it. For years I bought my entitled and and ungrateful inlaws presents and never got so much as a thank you in return. I leave it to my DH now, and they get nothing. We still see them on Christmas Day, I still cook them a meal and DD will sometimes make some handmade ----crap thoughtful gift. Could you let them know that it will be a bit different this year? Perhaps say 'let's not do presents this year and we'll all contribute to the meal instead?'

Just tell them that you are only buying gifts for the kids, they are being ridiculous. Have you not said anything about them expecting gifts while not giving any?

I don't think you can just say that this year you suggest presents for children only if you are the only ones with children. I suspect the way SIL sees it is that she is buying for your family unit (albeit the DC) so should get a present from your family unit . I don't think i would see it that way but i can see why someone would.

So what you need to do is either say let's not do presents at all this year (including for DC) or give her a list of decent presents for your DC (that you would be buying for them otherwise so you are saving an equivalent amount of money that you are spending on her) or just buy token presents similar in price/effort to the presents she buys for your DC. And when I say "you" I really mean your DH!

DH's brother does not have DC and it does change the dynamic a bit. This year (if we can meet) I am going to suggest secret santa for everyone including our DC (who are now well into their teens). Our family unit will have more to buy for between us but will also receive more between us , so seems fair. And DC will actually enjoy thinking about what to get. It may not work, and i will need to think about what budget to suggest but worth a go i reckon.

If you are always the host and it does not rotate then i think it is entirely reasonable to ask people to bring things. We host the most as there are more of us and we have more space (distances mean people need to stay over). MIL always volunteers to bring something "big" like the ham and will also bring some general goodies like home made mince pies. I noticed that when MIL hosted (when there were fewer of us), BIL would always bring stuff but when we started hosting he didn't. So DH just started telling him what to bring (usually booze) and he has now started making a Christmas pud every year which is nice (and which he enjoys)

Tbh I'd look at how much she spends on your kids and get her something of the same value. I wouldn't get her boyfriend anything at all. As for your MIL, I'd just say, "You don't think that's good enough for her? What do you think of what she gave me?"

This year has been unusual beyond belief so it is the perfect time to put a stop to this.

Stop inviting them. Make any excuse you want but stop.
Start a new tradition that is actually happy for YOU, your DH and DC.

Then if you want to, take them out for a pub lunch on another day once a year. That way you can treat the ungrateful ones, but it will cost you much less in time and money.

If either of them tantrum, let them. They'll sulk and get over it and you'll never have to suffer them like that again.

Your problem is solved when your husband starts buying the gifts.
I suspect he could buy bath salts from £land and they'd be amazing perfect just right......
He has time to do this especially if he's not putting any thought into it.

Bollocks to them both, don't bother, cheeky bastards are getting fed & comfy at your expense is plenty enough.

If you make the day less fun for them (reduce effort on cooking and entertaining etc), they'll be less keen to come. Open your home to them but don't roll out the red carpet.

And when it comes to presents, sounds like some boundaries are required - both with the ILs and the DH. As women, we're so trained to be polite and put everyone else's comfort above our own - and be made to feel like a failure if we do. It's not healthy and it teaches the kids that they can treat people that way without consequence. I'd bear the short term awkwardness and (utterly unjustifed) judgment for long term sanity and showing your kids healthy boundaries.

Don't buy anything for them! If/when your SIL has kids you can buy for them.

Couldn't be dealing with that. If a list arrives, send it back with the words....that a coincidence those were going to be my list for you to get me. Let's just not bother this year with any gifting apart from what you bring on the 26th, I'll tell everyone you're bringing the fizz for everyone this year.

Why is it that people who only buy presents for children always expect childless relatives to give their children presents, but don't see why the childless adult should get any? Is it part of society's ongoing punishment of the childless? But it should definitely be DH buying.

Ffs stand up for yourself woman. Why the fuck are you buying gifts for people who buy nothing for you?
Do not buy anything for either of them. You have cooked. Put it squarely at your husbands door.
Don't do it. Fuck them.

Don't buy any of the ILs gifts. Spend that money on you & DH. They can sit there & watch you unwrap your presents to each other.

Op stop being such a doormat. If you let behave like one people will walk all over you. I can't feel sorry for you because you have allowed this situation to happen and you have set the norm.
You have options to deal with this:1.Stop this ridiculous unrecirprocated arrangement you have kept going.

1. Your dh can buy for her- that way he can deal with the ungratefulness
2. Stand up to your mil - ask her straight on why it's acceptable for her daughter to be receive gifts and not the other way around.
3. You are grown woman, worthy of respect. Stop allowing people to tell you what you should be doing.

Find your backbone. There is no way in hell you should be buying for this boyfriend.

Uninvite the lot. Use Covid as an excuse.

I’d be tempted to do the same, if they’re rude and ungrateful.

Yes it’s such a shame, but you couldn’t forgive yourself if one of them caught Covid from your family. No, you must insist. Their health comes first.

Don't buy either of them a gift, they don't bother with you so why should you for them.

Bottle of £10 Prosecco. It’s near enough to champagne and that’s what pwinthetheth dwink. She can share it with her bloke or not. And a note from the other point of view: I’m single and childless. I gave up buying Christmas gifts when it became obvious I was going to be buying for my brother, his wife AND their child every year and getting one —crap— gift in return. You could all agree not to bother.

The food/drinks is gift enough.
No gifts,save your money.

Why is it that people who only buy presents for children always expect childless relatives to give their children presents, but don't see why the childless adult should get any?

I don' t know anyone who does this. Usually it's sibling's children and in my wider family it usually works like: sibling presents until sibling has children, then it's presents for siblings' children, and siblings without children. And usually a token small thing for everyone because we all love presents.

I do wish when OPs post ridiculous situations like this, they’d actually explain how they came about.

I can imagine shopping for in-laws if I’d bought into the “men are useless” trope, or was working part time to his full time.

I can imagine telling my husband that he had to take it over now... then capitulating on the 24th when he just hadn’t done it, and I was embarrassed.

I can imagine following expensive present lists to keep the peace. (not saying it’s right! Just I can imagine it)

But I simply can’t imagine how you end up buying for a SIL and MIL when they buy you nothing.

How did you end up here, OP?

It really amazes me that people put up with this shit don't get dh to buy anything either, tell them you are only buying the kids presents. Why are you and dh allowing them to tread all over you and treat you like crap? They're cf's

I do wish when OPs post ridiculous situations like this, they’d actually explain how they came about.

She did explain, she buys gifts for their kids, and has none to reciprocate with.

I agree with others in the thread, just send out a family-wide email saying that you need to watch the budget so will not be buying gifts for adults from now on, or any at all, and just buy your kids a couple more.