Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

877 replies

catspyjamas123 · 17/11/2020 15:20

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

OP posts:
Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 09:46

Fuck off. How dare you?!
Feminism is about repecting women's choices, not putting them down.

Where do you get the idea that feminism is about respecting women's choices? It is about the equality. We don't have it with regard to titles.

Beamur · 24/11/2020 09:49

If you want to make it about choice (and equality) then I want the same default choice as a man. To have a title that reflects I am an adult. No more no less.

OwlOne · 24/11/2020 09:53

It's amazing how some interpret feminism as the freedom to make a choice to affiliate themselves with a status they perceive to be superior (because they're with a man???) ignoring the fact that even by their own flawed selfish logic that means other women have to affiliate with the lower status of being without a man!

This is hilarious.

OwlOne · 24/11/2020 09:55

Well, it's sad and depressing really. How badly understood feminism is.
I know we don't have to have one absolute rigid definition but the freedom to make a choice that perpetuates the patriarchy is not I don't think feminism.

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 10:17

Yes, suffragettes didn't respect the choice of women who thought that only men should have the vote.

Beamur · 24/11/2020 10:20

OwlOne
I agree. It's not a real choice.
There are a lot of interpretations of what feminism is.. choice to do things which often aren't that great for women can be widely found within liberal feminism for example. This is not the kind of feminism that I find useful personally.

PeggyPorschen · 24/11/2020 10:28

@Belladonna12

Yes, suffragettes didn't respect the choice of women who thought that only men should have the vote.
Confused

what a ridiculous way to twist things around.

If you are going that way, technically suffragettes didn't ask for mandatory female vote, so women are still free to leave the voting business to men, and they have the CHOICE.

which is what it's all about.

Equality never meant that some women get to decide for the rest of us. It's equality with men and other women....You don't get to take over the patriarchy and tell the rest of us what to do Grin

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 10:55

what a ridiculous way to twist things around.

It isn't a ridiculous way to twist things around. I am not suggesting that suffragettes wanted a mandatory vote. However, they didn't support the choice of women who supported those that didn't feel we should be equal to men. I feel that is what those who support the current system of titles are doing. By supporting the status quo that treats women differently from men you are removing the choice of those who want equality. I don't want to be asked whether I am Miss/Ms/Mrs in the same way that men aren't asked.

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 10:57

Equality never meant that some women get to decide for the rest of us. It's equality with men and other women....You don't get to take over the patriarchy and tell the rest of us what to do grin

LOL. The irony of that comment is brilliant. Your choice to have a title is affecting my choice not to have one.

PeggyPorschen · 24/11/2020 11:07

Men have a title

Women have a title. Unlike men, you chose to decide which of - what is it now, 3? - which of the 3 titles you have, let alone the long list of possible others. Oh the hardship Grin

There's a reasonable limit of idiocy you can request. You haven't got the choice to change your name by a number and from now on be legally called 365 either, and I think you still need a name and a surname in this country (I might be wrong)

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 11:31

@PeggyPorschen

Men have a title

Women have a title. Unlike men, you chose to decide which of - what is it now, 3? - which of the 3 titles you have, let alone the long list of possible others. Oh the hardship Grin

There's a reasonable limit of idiocy you can request. You haven't got the choice to change your name by a number and from now on be legally called 365 either, and I think you still need a name and a surname in this country (I might be wrong)

Men aren't usually asked for a title though. Only women are. I don't want to be asked and I don't want to choose one because people make irritating assumptions based on the one you choose. I don't like the fact that in effect women are only considered adults if they are married .This doesn't happen in many other countries. It doesn't need to happen here either.
VinylDetective · 24/11/2020 12:00

@OwlOne

Well, it's sad and depressing really. How badly understood feminism is. I know we don't have to have one absolute rigid definition but the freedom to make a choice that perpetuates the patriarchy is not I don't think feminism.
You’re right, feminism is badly understood. It’s perfectly demonstrated on this thread.

Equality is one strand of feminism, there are many others. Feminism isn’t prescriptive or restrictive. It was called women’s liberation for a reason. It’s about empowerment, freedom, choice and equality of opportunity. One size doesn’t fit all.

Rather than restricting women’s choice around modes of address, how about increasing men’s? Or getting rid of titles for both sexes?

AGeeseGoose · 24/11/2020 12:19

We had some documents delivered today - addressed to Mr and Mrs (DH’s name and initials) Surname! Very old school.

OwlOne · 24/11/2020 12:23

I know! My dd's school, it has taken them 5 years to use my surname not hers and finally i got a letter to my surname recently but they put mrs on the surname. Either i am holding on to my own name because i want to, im never married, im divorced, or remarried. And yet when they finally use my surname they paired it with mrs 😭 🙄🙈

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 13:08

Equality is one strand of feminism, there are many others. Feminism isn’t prescriptive or restrictive. It was called women’s liberation for a reason. It’s about empowerment, freedom, choice and equality of opportunity. One size doesn’t fit all.

Equality is the main strand of feminism and if women are choosing to do something which undermines equality and takes away other womens choices and I see how they can describe themselves as feminists.

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 13:09

I don't see how they can describe themselves as feminists.

CouldBeOuting · 24/11/2020 14:51

I ordered something from Dubarry yesterday. It’s the first time I’ve bought from them online so had to set up an account.

My title choices were Mr or Ms. I know many of you will be happy with that.

I wasn’t, I don’t use either of those titles. A package is on its way addressed to Ms Outing but I am Mrs Outing and that is how I WANT to be addressed. Miss Outing is our DD, Mrs Outing is me. If something is addressed to Ms Outing it could be for either one of us.

OwlOne · 24/11/2020 14:54

Ofgs

Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 14:59

I wasn’t, I don’t use either of those titles. A package is on its way addressed to Ms Outing but I am Mrs Outing and that is how I WANT to be addressed. Miss Outing is our DD, Mrs Outing is me. If something is addressed to Ms Outing it could be for either one of us.

Do you not have different first names Hmm? Amazing that it's impossible for women to manage without having different titles but presumably men manage even though they are all Mr.

bluebluezoo · 24/11/2020 15:22

I wasn’t, I don’t use either of those titles. A package is on its way addressed to Ms Outing but I am Mrs Outing and that is how I WANT to be addressed. Miss Outing is our DD, Mrs Outing is me. If something is addressed to Ms Outing it could be for either one of us

What about families who have more than one DD, or adult sons as well as a DH?

However do they tell each other apart? Post must be seriously confusing 😳

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/11/2020 15:37

Feminism is not about choice. It's not about respecting other people's choices, either. It's not about a 'sisterhood' of people who unquestioningly support each other on no other basis than their shared sex. Its various platforms have been a site some of the most bitter contestations I've seen of any umbrella group of social movements. And they continue to be so to this day. You only have to read the FWR board on Mumsnet to see that.

It's because so many of these battles have been fought that the right to the 'choice' so many people wrongly assume is all feminism is about, exists in the first place. The strident anti-suffrage campaign is a case in point. Why oh WHY would any woman with all her marbles intact get on board with a cause like that? Would I respect and support such a sisterhood? Like hell, would I.

We'll also have got away extremely lightly if equality of titles does end up being all we have to worry about. A currently serious and pressing issue is that of the redefinition and sometimes straight-up erasure of women as an entire sex-class.

Anyone else happy with being a 'Menstruator?' Reduced to nothing more than the shape and function of your genitalia? Me neither. Yet there are some misguided (IMO) liberal feminists out there who claim no one who doesn't support this can be called a 'feminist'. And as far as I'm concerned, they can kiss mine.

Feminism is as splintered and fractured as it's always been, and perhaps has gone full-circle to becoming more so in the past 5 years, having previously gained some temporary, uneasy equilibrium following the second wave.

A sisterhood, it ain't. And it never was.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/11/2020 18:07

@FortunesFave

Gwyn then they need to catch up and move with the times. You're defending Mrs so hard that I think you must have some personal issues related to the use of it.

It's outdated and needs to be phased out.

Who's Gwyn? Was it a typo for Gwen? If so, I'm confused because I've never defended Mrs.
Gwenhwyfar · 24/11/2020 18:09

"Why do they have to ask for a title at all?"

People have mentioned forms that require it. Also, many employers require you to address people politely with title and surname. You'd have just as many people offended by being called by their first name only.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/11/2020 18:10

"I think titles count in the UK as personal data. For which you need a reason to record and collect. You can't do it just because you always have done before."

They're no more personal than your name and dental records, are they?

VinylDetective · 24/11/2020 18:24

women are choosing to do something which undermines equality and takes away other womens choices and I see how they can describe themselves as feminists.

Do you want to read that back to yourself? You’ve consistently argued throughout this thread for taking away other women’s choices.