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Original poster

Stop asking if I’m Mrs or Miss

877 replies

catspyjamas123 · 17/11/2020 15:20

I just hate it when companies ask if I’m Mrs or Miss - what business is it whether I’m married or not? I’ve politely put up with it for years but it makes me fume. They don’t ask men if they are married. Even worse, some companies assume I am a Mrs. I am NOT. I am very happily divorced and definitely a Ms. Are they being unreasonable? Vote yes if it’s a completely unnecessary intrusion into your home life. Vote no if it’s quite alright to all live in a 1950s nightmare!

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 22/11/2020 09:05

You are not being asked whether you are married, you are being asked what you choose to be called

Yes but only women's titles REVEAL that. If you say Ms. they assume you're married but don't want to reveal that...OR they think you're ashamed of not being married.
It's bollocks either way.

Exactly! Or they assume you're some "horrible ugly bra-burning, man-hating feminist, lesbian" (yes, I grew up in the 70s and 80s and this was the attitude). Still being a "Miss" after a certain age had negative connotations such as you must be too undesirable to men to have been "snatched up". A pathetic spinster that probably stinks of cat piss.

I’ve moved home recently so have been setting up lots of new accounts. Consequently I’ve been asked a lot, “Are you Miss or Mrs?” and, with a twinge of awkwardness said “Ms”. As you said, I felt like I was opening up a little about my private life (marital status, attitude around feminism) just a little. I really don’t like being put in that position and would relish a single title such as Ms to mirror the Mr title that men have. None of the mens’ titles indicate marital status so why do 2 of the womens?!

As an aside, I’ve just received 2 letters from the NHS and neither has a title, just Candida Albicans, which I’m so pleased to see.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 22/11/2020 09:06

Pharmacies always use title and last name when they call you for your prescription

@Gwenhwyfar, not the ones I’ve used. They just call out first name and surname, no title.

Crumbleandcake · 22/11/2020 09:23

get that you need to know, and as long as you ask every single person (men and women) what their title is then I have no problem with it at all. It's "is that Miss or Mrs?" addressed to women only that is the problem

I find it so tiresome when I hear constantly "but what about men" men only typically have 1 title married or not. So what? I'm not any less equal to my husband because I carry the name miss (which people may ask for) and he's a Mr.

Lifebeginsat · 22/11/2020 09:29

YANBU. Men don’t get asked. It’s ridiculous and archaic.

VinylDetective · 22/11/2020 13:01

Mrs. means nothing these days

In which case, why get your knickers in a twist about it?

FortunesFave · 22/11/2020 13:19

Nobody's 'knickers are in a twist' but people are rightly questioning the validity of the difference in male and female titles.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/11/2020 13:20

Exactly! Or they assume you're some "horrible ugly bra-burning, man-hating feminist, lesbian".

Now lesbians, I can see why they would want to use the term 'Mrs', having fought so hard and for so long to secure the right to marry the partner of their choice. In daily life I'd probably use 'Mrs' rather than 'Dr' if this were ever to become the default means of addressing an adult female (unless corrected by them to another preference). If this doesn't become the case I'll continue to reject Miss/Mrs/Ms as the anachronisms I believe they are.

From a personal perspective I couldn't give a shiny shit what complete strangers assume about me from my title, any more than I'm sure they give one about whether I style myself Ms, Miss, Mrs, Dr, or Milady. But that isn't really the point. As far as social assumptions about women in general are concerned, title 'differentiation' says a great deal. And it matters.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/11/2020 12:30

" I seriously doubt that"

You doubt some people would think the title is the job title? How abut trying it out with a few people. Ask a few of them what their title is. I'm sure you'll have quite a few puzzles faces. Unfortunately, the traditional way of asking is just going 'Mrs?'.

FortunesFave · 23/11/2020 20:54

Gwen

So I'm sitting behind a desk...and someone arrives for their doctor's appointment or their waxing appointment and I say "Hi, can I help?" and they say

"Yes, I've got an appointment at 3"

and I say

"Name and title please?"

And they say "Maureen Jenkins, cleaner."

Hmm Yeah...right.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/11/2020 21:34

"So I'm sitting behind a desk...and someone arrives for their doctor's appointment or their waxing appointment and I say "Hi, can I help?" and they say

"Yes, I've got an appointment at 3"

and I say

"Name and title please?"

And they say "Maureen Jenkins, cleaner."

hmm Yeah...right."

Imagine you're at work and a potential supplier calls you and asks can he note down your name and title. I think plenty of people would be confused then, more so than they would be by 'Miss or Mrs?'.

FortunesFave · 23/11/2020 22:16

Gwyn then they need to catch up and move with the times. You're defending Mrs so hard that I think you must have some personal issues related to the use of it.

It's outdated and needs to be phased out.

VinylDetective · 23/11/2020 22:49

It's outdated and needs to be phased out

Which is an opinion. One not shared by millions of women and while they continue using it it’s here to stay.

Belladonna12 · 23/11/2020 23:08

@VinylDetective

It's outdated and needs to be phased out

Which is an opinion. One not shared by millions of women and while they continue using it it’s here to stay.

How do you know that millions of women wish to carry on with the current system ? It's not as if anyone has ever asked whether they would prefer no title rather than Mrs /Miss/Ms. That's not an option currently.
Belladonna12 · 23/11/2020 23:10

@Gwenhwyfar

"So I'm sitting behind a desk...and someone arrives for their doctor's appointment or their waxing appointment and I say "Hi, can I help?" and they say

"Yes, I've got an appointment at 3"

and I say

"Name and title please?"

And they say "Maureen Jenkins, cleaner."

hmm Yeah...right."

Imagine you're at work and a potential supplier calls you and asks can he note down your name and title. I think plenty of people would be confused then, more so than they would be by 'Miss or Mrs?'.

Why do they have to ask for a title at all?
ArranBound · 23/11/2020 23:16

The staff only ask this so that you can be addressed as you wish to be. If you're a proud Ms, this is your opportunity to ensure the style is used. I can't get wound up about this.

YABU to make the YABU and YANBU the same answer.

BalloonDinosaur · 24/11/2020 02:58

While I agree it's outdated (IMO) I don't think it 'needs to be phased out' If people want to use titles, fair enough.

For those of us who don't, there should be an option not to, which as many PP have said, there isn't.

FortunesFave · 24/11/2020 03:05

Vinyl It will eventually be phased out because of continuing pressure and more women in positions of leadership.

It's irrelevant. Nobody needs to know anyone's marital status.

FortunesFave · 24/11/2020 03:05

Bella well, quite. They don't do they. A name is sufficient.

PriceEmUp · 24/11/2020 03:19

I worked in dental and was signing a lady up to our practice one day - our system wouldn’t let me save a record without a title so naturally had to ask “are you a Mrs, miss or ms?”

I only every had one lady, just one. Say “and what business if that of yours? Why does it matter?!” I tried to laugh it off and say sorry it is just for the record to be completed.. she ended up not making an appointment and didn’t register. Absolutely batshit crazy.

FortunesFave · 24/11/2020 03:33

No it's not batshit Prices It's a strong indicator that society is still holding women back.

And it's woman. Not "lady". What a lot of bollocks.

Beamur · 24/11/2020 07:02

Lady? Was she an aristocrat?
Why do you need to record a title for dental work?
I think titles count in the UK as personal data. For which you need a reason to record and collect. You can't do it just because you always have done before.

bluebluezoo · 24/11/2020 07:08

Which is an opinion. One not shared by millions of women and while they continue using it it’s here to stay

They have to continue using it though, as it isn’t an option to decline.

All those computer dropdowns where it’s a compulsory field, maybe once that is stopped or a “no title” option is included, we will see women stop using titles.

At present I don’t have that choice. I don’t choose to continue using titles, i am forced to.

Mookie81 · 24/11/2020 07:11

@Plussizejumpsuit

Controversia, but in this day and age I feel a bit embarrassed for women who get married and take their husbands name and use Mrs. So yanbu at all.
Fuck off. How dare you?! Feminism is about repecting women's choices, not putting them down. I like being a Mrs. Why should I and others like me not have that choice because you get pissy about wanting Ms, which is a choice that exists for you?! It takes 2 seconds to say 'I'm Ms', for Christ's sake.
Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 09:38

@ArranBound

The staff only ask this so that you can be addressed as you wish to be. If you're a proud Ms, this is your opportunity to ensure the style is used. I can't get wound up about this.

YABU to make the YABU and YANBU the same answer.

But what if people don't wish to be addressed by Mrs/miss/ms at all? We don't seem to get a choice? Why is the choice of a "proud Mrs" more important than the choice of everyone who would be quite happy not have a title.
Belladonna12 · 24/11/2020 09:42

@PriceEmUp

I worked in dental and was signing a lady up to our practice one day - our system wouldn’t let me save a record without a title so naturally had to ask “are you a Mrs, miss or ms?”

I only every had one lady, just one. Say “and what business if that of yours? Why does it matter?!” I tried to laugh it off and say sorry it is just for the record to be completed.. she ended up not making an appointment and didn’t register. Absolutely batshit crazy.

Just because only one lady asked what business it is, it doesn't mean everyone likes to use titles. I'm well aware that the computer systems force people to have titles so I wouldn't hassle the receptionist or anyone else about it. That doesn't mean I like it though. I absolutely hate it but I realise that the problem lies with the people responsible for the system which is not the receptionist.