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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry that he read my Facebook messages?

152 replies

Closingtime94 · 17/11/2020 04:38

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted a thread to say I was upset that my parents gave me a card with a tenner in it when a few months ago they bought my cousin a Pandora bracelet and charms and I felt it was a bit impersonal- things have progressed since then so basically:

I was upset about it obviously and spoke to my best friend via Facebook messenger about how upset I was and how impersonal it felt receiving a £10 in a card from your parents and we talked a bit about it and she said they probably didn't know what to get you etc and I was like yeah you're probably right, it's probably just pregnancy hormones I'll get myself something nice with the tenner etc so that was that and I felt better as before that I was actually crying thinking they didn't care about my birthday (dramatic I know but pregnancy hormones Grin)

My dad came round to work on the nursery as baby is due and I had to go out (pick my car up from the garage) so on my way back I get a call from my mum to say "your dad came home and he's absolutely furious that you have slagged us off all over Facebook for only giving you a tenner " and I was like I have absolutely not slagged you off all over Facebook at all? And she was like "he's read your messages with "Sophie"" so basically I have a personal desk top at home which my dad knows the password to as he sometimes uses YouTube to look at how to do diy things etc and he's gone on and actually opened my Facebook page to read my messages (god knows how many times or how long he's been doing this for) and it wasn't my last message to my friend so he would have had to scroll through them. I often close down the page and stay logged in (it's only me and DH who lives at home and DH doesn't go into my computer and even if he did I don't have anything to hide but anyway) so I explained to my mum (which I already mentioned to her) that I was upset because it felt impersonal and I would have preferred a thought out gift instead of shoving a tenner in a card (just to clarify I was bothered over the amount it was more the fact no thought went into it, I would have been happy with bath bombs and chocolate etc) and she said that I better apologise to my dad or he won't be doing my house etc etc (and maybe I was a bit childish) but I refused to apologise, I said if he didn't want to carry on with my house then that's his decision but I will not be apologising for having a private conversation with my friends, he shouldn't have read my private messages and I'm entitled to feel upset about something and speak to my best friend about it.

I appreciate I shouldn't have "slagged" them off which really I don't think I did, I just confided in my friend that I was upset and she helped me see it from a different perspective and helped me feel better etc but am I unreasonable to think that my dad shouldn't have gone through my private messages or should I apologise?

OP posts:
HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 17/11/2020 04:47

That's terrible.
He had to log onto your computer, type Facebook in, then scroll through messages and read them.
Any previous boundary crosses growing up?

I had a parent who used to regularly invade my privacy as a child and read my mail so this isn't that shocking to me.

Plus a tenner in a card when you've given a niece a Pandora bracelet is shit btw. I'd be confused as well.

Leaannb · 17/11/2020 04:50

YANBU

FangsForTheMemory · 17/11/2020 04:51

You haven’t got anything to apologise for. Your parents have though.

LunaMuffinTop · 17/11/2020 04:55

YANBU your dad massively crossed the line he should be the one to saying sorry not you you’ve done nothing wrong your dad on the other hand. Change the password on your computer.

Ginfilledcats · 17/11/2020 04:55

That's awful, you are so far from being unreasonable!

I think you were well within your rights to be hurt (I would be) and to talk to a friend about it!

He is super unreasonable to go through your messages! I'd be furious and ask him to leave your house! And ask for an apology from him!

ButterMeUpScotty · 17/11/2020 04:57

YANBU, but they bloody are. Shocking behaviour on your dads part.

AlternativePerspective · 17/11/2020 05:01

No I wouldn’t apologise.

I would point out that you shouldn’t read someone else’s private messages unless you’re prepared for the fact you might not like what you read.

IceFrost · 17/11/2020 05:24

He shouldn’t of been going through your messages but equally you sound ungrateful to receive a gift of money when they might of not known what to get you.

billybagpuss · 17/11/2020 05:26

Is there a reason your cousin got an expensive bracelet and you got a tenner. They either don’t like you or you are getting big price items for baby. If it’s the latter you are a bit unreasonable being miffed at the tenner. But absolutely not unreasonable for chatting to a friend and being angry that your privacy has been compromised.

Whoopsmahoot · 17/11/2020 05:28

I find that unforgivable that he read your messages- they were private. I’d b raging- disappointed at the tenner but raging at the intrusion on my privacy.

Morechocmorechoc · 17/11/2020 05:33

Tell them you will wait for an apology for the massive invasion of privacy and change your password!

Original poster
Closingtime94 · 17/11/2020 05:37

@billybagpuss

Is there a reason your cousin got an expensive bracelet and you got a tenner. They either don’t like you or you are getting big price items for baby. If it’s the latter you are a bit unreasonable being miffed at the tenner. But absolutely not unreasonable for chatting to a friend and being angry that your privacy has been compromised.
My mum probably favours my cousins over me, she wasn't the best when I was growing up although it's a bit of a stretch to say they don't like me, she's just not very maternal and has been abusive/neglectful in the past due to her own experiences growing up but things have improved slightly since I've moved out but as I've mentioned I'm not bothered about the amount of money, it's the impersonal aspect of it like my cousins were a very thought out present and I think putting money in a card is impersonal, something I'd expect from an extended member of the family if they wanted to get you something etc - replying to PP as well I have been their daughter for 28 years, they know my likes and dislikes, they know I'm having a baby etc at this point I would have been happy with some nipple cream, I'm not ungrateful, I was upset (and it's probably more to do with pregnancy hormones than anything else) that it seems impersonal and I am entitled to my own feelings and I'm entitled to share those feelings privately with a friend.
OP posts:
Ahwelltoobad · 17/11/2020 05:38

This may not be the first time he reads your messages. I would think he does it regularly to 'check' on you, and this is the first time you 'upset' him. YANBU.

Original poster
Closingtime94 · 17/11/2020 05:45

@Ahwelltoobad

This may not be the first time he reads your messages. I would think he does it regularly to 'check' on you, and this is the first time you 'upset' him. YANBU.
I think you're right, I've never noticed it in the past but thinking about it he's mentioned things to me (just innocent things) and I've been like how do you know? And he's like you told me and I was sure I didn't but I have quite an open communication with my dad and I do tell him everything (usually because I'm so boring and there's nothing really to hide) so I figured I must have told him and forgot but now putting two and two together he must have read my messages with friends, other family and DH - I've already changed my password on the computer, if he does come and do my house he'll have to watch YouTube on his phone or the fire stick, I obviously cannot trust him on the computer, I never thought I'd have to deal with this when I moved out but here we are - makes me wonder how long he's been doing it for and if he was going it whilst I was still at home Hmm
OP posts:
Ahwelltoobad · 17/11/2020 05:48

Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear that!

Mittens030869 · 17/11/2020 05:56

That’s a shocking invasion of privacy, and I’m another one who suspects that this isn’t the first time he’s invaded your privacy in this way. That’s a much bigger issue than you being miffed about the birthday present, which you yourself acknowledged probably had more to do with pregnancy hormones. (Anyway, you’re allowed a moan to your best friend!)

There are probably other ways in which your F is controlling, which you’ve never seen in that light before. My F was abusive (he’s dead now) and it’s only in recent years that I’ve truly understood the extent of it.

DetectiveRandySomething · 17/11/2020 06:08

What a twat! And a brass necked one too!!!!

LeglessGiraffe · 17/11/2020 06:12

You are definitely not being unreasonable about the messages, that's a gross invasion of privacy and you are right to be very upset.

About the birthday present, if your Dad has done a lot of work on your house (unpaid?), investing a lot of time and energy and potentially saving you hundreds of pounds, then possibly they feel like there's no need to buy you an expensive birthday present on top?

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2020 06:15

This doesn't sound like the first time he's done this. I would be upset too

Original poster
Closingtime94 · 17/11/2020 06:19

@LeglessGiraffe

You are definitely not being unreasonable about the messages, that's a gross invasion of privacy and you are right to be very upset.

About the birthday present, if your Dad has done a lot of work on your house (unpaid?), investing a lot of time and energy and potentially saving you hundreds of pounds, then possibly they feel like there's no need to buy you an expensive birthday present on top?

He's only just started on my house and it's only the nursery that he's doing (which is painting and wallpapering) which I am grateful for don't get me wrong, I didn't want an expensive present in the past they've bought me expensive things and with being an adult with a baby on the way and living on my own I didn't expect an expensive present, it was more to do with the fact it felt impersonal where as my cousins felt more "thought out" like I've said it's probably more the pregnancy hormones than anything else and after speaking to my friend I was over it, they're the ones kicking off about it because they read my messages.
OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 17/11/2020 06:23

Are you comfortable having your parents in your house when you’re not there? If he’s checking your computer, what else might he be looking at that is private?

Beautiful3 · 17/11/2020 06:35

YANBU.

WindblowingSW · 17/11/2020 06:51

Hold the line. Do not apologise.

State -I thought it was a bit crap of you, however as I said in my email to Sophie -it's a double edged sword and although grateful for the £10 I was put out that you gave Julie a more considerate present that just a note.

But the line you have crossed, going on my computer, entering password without permission and scrolling and reading my PRIVATE messages, is controlling, rude and bullying. End.

Then leave it.

AlwaysCheddar · 17/11/2020 06:56

They are Bang out of order. Don’t apologise. They need to apologise.

BorderlineHappy · 17/11/2020 06:57

Theres no way i would be abel to trust him in my house now. What else ishe snooping. Looking through letters, your personal items.

I think i would only have him there when theres someone else there.

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