To be angry that he read my Facebook messages?

[Closingtime94]

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted a thread to say I was upset that my parents gave me a card with a tenner in it when a few months ago they bought my cousin a Pandora bracelet and charms and I felt it was a bit impersonal- things have progressed since then so basically:

I was upset about it obviously and spoke to my best friend via Facebook messenger about how upset I was and how impersonal it felt receiving a £10 in a card from your parents and we talked a bit about it and she said they probably didn't know what to get you etc and I was like yeah you're probably right, it's probably just pregnancy hormones I'll get myself something nice with the tenner etc so that was that and I felt better as before that I was actually crying thinking they didn't care about my birthday (dramatic I know but pregnancy hormones )

My dad came round to work on the nursery as baby is due and I had to go out (pick my car up from the garage) so on my way back I get a call from my mum to say "your dad came home and he's absolutely furious that you have slagged us off all over Facebook for only giving you a tenner " and I was like I have absolutely not slagged you off all over Facebook at all? And she was like "he's read your messages with "Sophie"" so basically I have a personal desk top at home which my dad knows the password to as he sometimes uses YouTube to look at how to do diy things etc and he's gone on and actually opened my Facebook page to read my messages (god knows how many times or how long he's been doing this for) and it wasn't my last message to my friend so he would have had to scroll through them. I often close down the page and stay logged in (it's only me and DH who lives at home and DH doesn't go into my computer and even if he did I don't have anything to hide but anyway) so I explained to my mum (which I already mentioned to her) that I was upset because it felt impersonal and I would have preferred a thought out gift instead of shoving a tenner in a card (just to clarify I was bothered over the amount it was more the fact no thought went into it, I would have been happy with bath bombs and chocolate etc) and she said that I better apologise to my dad or he won't be doing my house etc etc (and maybe I was a bit childish) but I refused to apologise, I said if he didn't want to carry on with my house then that's his decision but I will not be apologising for having a private conversation with my friends, he shouldn't have read my private messages and I'm entitled to feel upset about something and speak to my best friend about it.

I appreciate I shouldn't have "slagged" them off which really I don't think I did, I just confided in my friend that I was upset and she helped me see it from a different perspective and helped me feel better etc but am I unreasonable to think that my dad shouldn't have gone through my private messages or should I apologise?

You've hit a nerve ! They know they're behaving poorly and now they know that you see it too. Nothing angrier or more huffy than vain selfish people who are forced to take a look at themselves through the eyes of a normal person and see their actions objectively. Stop apologising, you are not in the wrong!!! Take back your power - change the locks/take back your key. Dont allow them unsupervised access into your home - which should be a haven of privacy and peace for you. They have severely abused the privilege of access to your home and the trust you placed in them. And dont for one shiny minute accept them trying to scapegoat you for their wrongdoing - snooping, invading your privacy, favouring your cousin and slighting you through a shitty birthday present. And dont enter into a negotiation about any of this. I would honestly go low contact on my own terms for a goodly while to get some distance and start thinking about how to establish some strong positive boundaries. They sound like absolute assholes.

Does he actually understand that Messages are private? If he's not on FB himself he might not realise.

(Grasping at straws here.)

PS See strong self respecting behaviour on your side as an investment in the future....because if you let them get away with this and actually apologise to this nosey controlling person, you can bet your last dollar that both he and your mother will take that absolutely as permission to carry on doing this and probably escalate it even further.

I’m sorry.. any dad worth his salt with the skills would be helping do up the house for a pending grandchild, not expecting anything in return and mine would still buy me a nice present. It would be inexpensive but not just a tenner in a bloody card. Do they have a history of transactional relationship behaviour?? I’d have gone NC years ago in your position

OP I actually don't think you are being unreasonable on either counts. I would be hurt if my mum got my cousin a personal gift like that and put only money in a card for me. How could you not notice the difference and be a bit put out? like you said, it's not the amount but the thought. If they did this with everyone (my parents do for example) then it wouldn't be an issue but the blatant comparison is a bit sore.

As for your dad deliberately going out of his way to read your private messages, that needs an apology and then some. I wouldn't be letting that go lightly. What if your friend had told you something deeply personal herself that she hadn't wanted anyone else knowing? It's not just your privacy that has been invaded here, it's hers too!

I'm really sorry he invaded your privacy like that. Absolutely galling that your parents think you owe an apology. Everyone is entitled vent their feelings in private to trusted friends. I would refuse to engage with them until they acknowledged that, at the very least.

This is so shocking OP. Aside from The thoroughly thoughtless tenner gift, your dad snooping on your facebook is a massive invasion of privacy, it's disgraceful, weird and creepy.
They have absolutely no shame your Parents, no boundaries. How dare your mother then give you a telling off about it, she obviously sees no problem with him snooping at your fb, like its totally normal>>>it isn't.
Honestly, this is all kinds of wrong and nothing to do with your hormones. Your feelings are all justified and I wouldn't be letting either of them in my house if I wasn't there.

YANBU he shouldn't be reading your messages but is Facebook the right platform for a private conversation? WhatsApp or text on your phone would surely be more secure.

It’s shocking that he read your messages and extraordinary that your mum didn’t even try to hide that he’d done it. You have every right to be furious about that.

On the other hand, you do sound very ungrateful - complaining about getting an “ordinary” card and £10 and saying your cousins get favoured, when actually your dad’s clearly been doing loads of work on your house for free. I’d be pretty pissed off if I were your parents.

@minipie

It’s shocking that he read your messages and extraordinary that your mum didn’t even try to hide that he’d done it. You have every right to be furious about that.

On the other hand, you do sound very ungrateful - complaining about getting an “ordinary” card and £10 and saying your cousins get favoured, when actually your dad’s clearly been doing loads of work on your house for free. I’d be pretty pissed off if I were your parents.

I'm sorry I'm not sure where I've said my dad is doing "loads of work for free" - he's wallpapering and painting the nursery for his grandchild which again I'm grateful for but I never said it was for free.

How old are you, OP?

Bloody hell that’s so awful. I would hit the roof if my dad did this (which he wouldn’t cause he’s a decent person!) and then my mum had a go at me (which again she wouldn’t cause she’s a decent person!)

That’s so out of order.

Ignore previous. I misread.

It’s actually really fucking creepy.

He needs to apologise.

First of all, please stop blaming pregnancy hormones for how this has made you feel. You’re feelings are totally valid and should not be dismissed. Anyone, pregnant or not, would feel the same.

As for your father. I wouldn’t be letting him back in the house. Does the job still need to be finished? Do you have any friends that can help you out to get it it done?

My mum reads all my sisters messages all the time - Facebook, texts, emails - everything! She will read private conversations about going out for coffee and then mysteriously turn up and start shouting at my sister for being there instead of doing something for her at home. My sister is 40. It’s not normal to do this to your children and is the reason I’m LC with my parents.
It’s a massive invasion of privacy. I bet it’s not just Facebook he looks at. He probably looks at your browsing history as well. Do you have your emails as a desktop app? I bet he has a look at those as well. These people don’t understand boundaries. Change your passwords on everything and make them really difficult to guess. Be super vigilant about any notifications that pop up to say someone has tried to log into your accounts from another device.

This is very disturbing OP. Coupled with your mum being abusive they don't sound nice at all. I'd take a step back from them.
Tell them the minimum of what's going on in your life. Get someone else to paint and decorate or do it yourself. from your update it sounds like you're paying him?
I think it's time to stop being so enmeshed with them. No information or access to your computer, no favours from them that allow them to control you. Change your PW everywhere. They have been snooping for years.
Your baby will thank you for putting firm boundaries in place and protecting them from these people.

Unbelievable.
Appalling behaviour.
And really creepy of your father.

Your parents are a disgrace.

Change your locks.

Most certainly not your hormones.

I really find that a most extraordinary breach of trust.

Protect yourself OP.

Your dad is out of order reading your messages, but you are being a spoilt brat over your gift, a gift is just that, very ungrateful and rude for you to moan about it, you are not a child.

I assume your parents have a key to your home. You need to get it back and put some boundaries in place before the baby arrives.
My dm used to snoop.
I used to hide my dh's pay slips etc if she was coming to stay.
Once I thought a photograph of her holding my baby dd looked a bit different.
She had decided it wasn't a good angle for her, gone through my photos and replaced it with a 'better one.' She also stole a beautiful photo I had taken of my dd holding her baby cousin and gave it to my db because it was his child.
He didn't know until I visited and said I wondered where my photo had gone.

Is your DF being paid to decorate the room?
Regardless of this what he has done is a huge breach of trust. It would be game over for me.

Your father needs to apologise!!

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Your dad is out of order reading your messages, but you are being a spoilt brat over your gift, a gift is just that, very ungrateful and rude for you to moan about it, you are not a child.

I didn't moan about it to them though? It's not like I spat my dummy out and made a fuss - I spoke to my friend privately about being upset about an impersonal gift which I am entitled to do, I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm more sensitive than I usually am - honestly I don't care whether you think I'm a "spoilt brat" or not, I didn't ask on this particular thread whether I was being unreasonable about being upset about it to be fair because like I said after talking to my friend, I realised I was being silly and got over it and said I'd get something nice with the tenner.

I am paying my dad to decorate, I'm happy to, it's not as much as I'd pay a professional decorator and I am grateful he's helping me while DH is working all hours but that doesn't give him a right to read private messages.

If he's charging you for anything more than materials, then that is pretty awful.

Give him a bill for his years of free internet access.

GalaxyCookieCrumble
Your dad is out of order reading your messages, but you are being a spoilt brat over your gift, a gift is just that, very ungrateful and rude for you to moan about it, you are not a child.

Are you OP's mother?

Oh, no - you can't be, because she thought it was ok for him to read private messages.

Can you clarify please: are you paying him to do the nursery?

I’m not suffering that makes a difference to his behaviour... you are 100% right and shouldn’t apologise.

Just you live now said you never said he was doing it for free - and I think it adds another layer of shit from them if he’s charging you! (other than for materials of course)