To be angry that he read my Facebook messages?

[Closingtime94]

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted a thread to say I was upset that my parents gave me a card with a tenner in it when a few months ago they bought my cousin a Pandora bracelet and charms and I felt it was a bit impersonal- things have progressed since then so basically:

I was upset about it obviously and spoke to my best friend via Facebook messenger about how upset I was and how impersonal it felt receiving a £10 in a card from your parents and we talked a bit about it and she said they probably didn't know what to get you etc and I was like yeah you're probably right, it's probably just pregnancy hormones I'll get myself something nice with the tenner etc so that was that and I felt better as before that I was actually crying thinking they didn't care about my birthday (dramatic I know but pregnancy hormones )

My dad came round to work on the nursery as baby is due and I had to go out (pick my car up from the garage) so on my way back I get a call from my mum to say "your dad came home and he's absolutely furious that you have slagged us off all over Facebook for only giving you a tenner " and I was like I have absolutely not slagged you off all over Facebook at all? And she was like "he's read your messages with "Sophie"" so basically I have a personal desk top at home which my dad knows the password to as he sometimes uses YouTube to look at how to do diy things etc and he's gone on and actually opened my Facebook page to read my messages (god knows how many times or how long he's been doing this for) and it wasn't my last message to my friend so he would have had to scroll through them. I often close down the page and stay logged in (it's only me and DH who lives at home and DH doesn't go into my computer and even if he did I don't have anything to hide but anyway) so I explained to my mum (which I already mentioned to her) that I was upset because it felt impersonal and I would have preferred a thought out gift instead of shoving a tenner in a card (just to clarify I was bothered over the amount it was more the fact no thought went into it, I would have been happy with bath bombs and chocolate etc) and she said that I better apologise to my dad or he won't be doing my house etc etc (and maybe I was a bit childish) but I refused to apologise, I said if he didn't want to carry on with my house then that's his decision but I will not be apologising for having a private conversation with my friends, he shouldn't have read my private messages and I'm entitled to feel upset about something and speak to my best friend about it.

I appreciate I shouldn't have "slagged" them off which really I don't think I did, I just confided in my friend that I was upset and she helped me see it from a different perspective and helped me feel better etc but am I unreasonable to think that my dad shouldn't have gone through my private messages or should I apologise?

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps

You sound about 12yrs old and a total PITA.

Your dad is spending his spare time doing diy and decorating YOUR HOUSE and you're childishly complaining about a tenner in a birthday card and comparing what your cousin received.

You're going to be a parent yourself soon so do your child a huge favour and Grow Up.

No she doesn't

No she isn't

She sounds pretty grown up to me, unlike you

@ILoveYoga

Two things

Your dad most definitely should not be reading your messages. That is wrong

Your feeling that way about your birthday while you dad is doing work on your home for your baby so you don’t have to not do you have to pay someone to do that is such a huge thing. His time he is giving to you plus saving you loads of money, time and stress

For this reason. you need to apologise for hurting his feelings

Then be sure to log out of your accounts in your computer, change your password and reset a guest account setting that you give your dad access to, that is if he’s ever going to come back to help you with your house.

OP does not need to apologise for hurting his feelings. His feelings would be none the wiser if he had actually been a decent person, and you know, not snooped. People are allowed to chat with their best friends.

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps That was completely uncalled for. The OP was having a moan to her best friend, she didn't say anything to her F. I say things to my DSis about our DM (complicated relationship there), and I would be livid if she read my messages and complained about what we were saying to each other.

If the OP had posted this as a status update for all her Facebook friends to see, you would have a point. But this was Messenger, he would have had to open it up and literally read her messages. Not on at all. (I'm particularly sensitive about this, having been abused and my privacy is very important to me.)

It always amazes me the number of posters on AIBU who understand nothing about toxic family relationships and wade in with their judgemental rubbish. Have a read of the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Thank you for your kindness. Yes, it was unforgivable tbh. I re read the diary when my sister told me what was in it (my mum told her I had written pages upon pages of wanting to die) it messed me up for years.

I eventually told her at 30, but she didn't acknowledge it.

Parents who are only concerned with themselves really are damaging.

@chickenyhead I'm so sorry you went through what you did and for what your mother did too, that's shocking.

I would be mortified if my parents read my messages.... especially some with my dh

It's not pregnancy hormones and you are not spoilt or ungrateful.

I remember one christmas I was about 16 and my mum had no idea what to get me so she got a debenhams voucher. Dont get my wrong I love debenhams but it felt so impersonal and I wondered how she couldnt figure out what to get me.. it still sticks with me now but I know she was only doing her best. It sounds like you realised that too although I would be miffed if my cousin got expensive bracelet (usually about £100) and I got £10

Maybe buy £10 of scratch cards and hope you win big

That is awful. I would have some space from them for a little while.

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps

You sound about 12yrs old and a total PITA.

Your dad is spending his spare time doing diy and decorating YOUR HOUSE and you're childishly complaining about a tenner in a birthday card and comparing what your cousin received.

You're going to be a parent yourself soon so do your child a huge favour and Grow Up.

Oh bore off! What her dad is doing is emotionally abusive.

Some people on here are a bit mad OP. Your dad reading your private messages is absolutely awful and you should not have to apologise for anything he read in there: it’s terrible behaviour and he deserves to see something he doesn’t like! No way you should apologise.

Him doing your nursery (paid or not) doesn’t give him the right to invade your privacy like this.

Your discussion with your friend about being hurt by the gift is perfectly reasonable - you can have private discussions with your friends to help you process how you feel, and you don’t need to justify that to your parents.

The gift sounds rubbish compared to what they gave your cousin. It’s not grabby in the slightest to think that. If my parents got my cousins better presents than me I would be hurt, and I don’t believe for a single second those people on here saying you are being unreasonable wouldn’t be hurt if that happened. It isn’t about the present itself but the comparison and the effort.

Personally I would message your parents and say that your dad needs to apologise for invading your privacy, before you can move forward. And then I wouldn’t speak to them until they do so. And I would change all my passwords and never share with them again.

Thanks for the clarification re. the work on the house, I was just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. So really there are three elements to this.
a) Your parents got you a birthday gift with zero element of thought or personalisation and of a much lower value than they gave to a member of extended family.
b) Your Dad snooped through your private messages, and then both your parents got angry at what he read, despite them having absolutely no right whatsoever to have accessed the content.
c) They know your baby is imminent and now they're threatening to leave the nursery unfinished if you don't apologise for having the audacity to have a private chat with a close friend about being upset?

Wow - you aren't being unreasonable in the slightest! Good for you for refusing to apologise!

Don’t apologise, personally l would be wanting an apology from them. They are so out of order. I wouldn’t be letting this be swept under the carpet. As others have said l doubt it’s the first time he’s done it, from what you have said then he has done it before and given himself away a little

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps have you read the full thread? She’s paying him and providing materials. Or are you her mum or dad?!

They're setting themselves up to have no relationship with their grandchild. Maladapted, manipulative idiots.

You need to take a deep breath and many steps away from them OP.

Then have a big think, at your own pace, talk to your DP about all of this and decide between you how you want the future to be for you, your family, your child.

@ILoveYoga you really should read the full thread

@Cocomarine

Can you clarify please: are you paying him to do the nursery?

I’m not suffering that makes a difference to his behaviour... you are 100% right and shouldn’t apologise.

Just you live now said you never said he was doing it for free - and I think it adds another layer of shit from them if he’s charging you! (other than for materials of course)

Why the fuck should the OP clarify anything? What the hell has it to do with the topic? I swear to god, this place !

OP, your parents are well out of order, I recognise it as my own are similar. You need to have this fall out over their intruding where it's none of their business. Then start a new relationship with new boundaries. It might take a few goes but they will fall into line eventually.

Start with getting someone else to do the nursery. He's bang out of order and you need to be cross about that rather than be distracted by other shit like what's going on in this thread.

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps

You sound about 12yrs old and a total PITA.

Your dad is spending his spare time doing diy and decorating YOUR HOUSE and you're childishly complaining about a tenner in a birthday card and comparing what your cousin received.

You're going to be a parent yourself soon so do your child a huge favour and Grow Up.

Wow, comprehension not your thing? She is not complaining, she is hurt and justifiably Change the locks OP and think about where you want to go from here

Personally, I would find favoring my siblings' kids over my own child is too draining. As a mom, as much as I love my nieces and nephews, I couldn't put them ahead of my own children. I didn't give birth to them and raised them. So giving them more attention is too draining. I mean I can't imagine someone who didn't like her kid very much would Niece/nephew more. I think she couldn't be bothered by any of this family stuff.

It is possible that your cousin did or gave them something really nice and they just wanted to do something special in return.

But your parents were very wrong to snoop, hopefully you change the password or create a guest account if this a desktop/laptop computer. You are an adult.

That's absolutely appalling. I'm sorry OP
Fobbing you off with a tenner is crap as well.
Let's hope your father's invasion of privacy extends to reading your MN threads so he and your mother know how dysfunctional they're being (just kidding, I wouldn't wish that on you).

Massive invasion of privacy. YANBU. Change your passwords and don’t let him in unattended! Or lock your laptop away.

Don’t apologise!!!!!

Pay her dad to do the nursery? If she’s going to do that may as well hire someone who won’t snoop!

“BuggerationFlavouredCrisps
You sound about 12yrs old and a total PITA.

Your dad is spending his spare time doing diy and decorating YOUR HOUSE and you're childishly complaining about a tenner in a birthday card and comparing what your cousin received.

You're going to be a parent yourself soon so do your child a huge favour and Grow Up.” ????? what?!?!
Acts of kindness! That’s what families do for each other!

@Blueberries0112

Personally, I would find favoring my siblings' kids over my own child is too draining. As a mom, as much as I love my nieces and nephews, I couldn't put them ahead of my own children. I didn't give birth to them and raised them. So giving them more attention is too draining. I mean I can't imagine someone who didn't like her kid very much would Niece/nephew more. I think she couldn't be bothered by any of this family stuff.

It is possible that your cousin did or gave them something really nice and they just wanted to do something special in return.

But your parents were very wrong to snoop, hopefully you change the password or create a guest account if this a desktop/laptop computer. You are an adult.

No, that side of the family never do anything for us. Not my mum (their aunty) or me.

My mum has always been like that obviously not buying other kids expensive things but she's always preferred other children to me, she had a bad childhood too and I think my crime was coming from her womb. I actually remember going to my friends house for the first time when I was little (funnily enough same friend I moaned to, we've been friends forever haha) and her mum wasn't nicer to me than she was to my friend so I asked my friend about it and she was like my mum treats everyone the same??? Which was never the case when I was little, my mum always treat other kids better so much so I noticed and thought other mums were just nicer to other kids and not their own.

I think if I start to think how emotionally abusive they both are then I might actually have a break down (and I don't mean about the present, I mean about my whole life) I think I'm gonna go LC at the moment, my dad won't speak to me anyway when he's mad he sulks until you go grovelling and I'll speak to DH tonight when he gets home, now that I'm older and about to be a mum I'm seeing things in a different light - I might also seek out a therapist - jeez they really should have got me some bath bombs after all (using humour to make myself feel better).

@gamerchick I asked a question that the OP was happy to answer, and I gave my reason to the OP in the same post.

As you can see, people like
@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps have turned up expecting OP to be grateful because of this “free” work on the nursery, and other people had commented on “loads” of work that he had done.

I think it was helpful for OP to head off that kind of crap by being clear that it wasn’t done for free at all.

The core issue here is invading her privacy. He could have bought the entire fucking house for her, and painted it in gold leaf inside and out, and he still wouldn’t have any right to look at her private messages.

But there’s the (very much) secondary element here of people calling OP ungrateful over the £10 vs decorating for her. So I thought it was useful for her to clarify that it wasn’t done for free. Naïve of me though, as it didn’t stop posters spouting that ungrateful crap anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think therapy is a good idea. I think a lot of people find the point of having their own children makes them reflect, and also feel determined not to put up with any more shit!

You didn’t slag them off - you talked to a friend.

Your parents have no boundaries.

Your parents should have told you you never say alright anything you wouldn't say to somebody's face directly. So basically I'd be like it's your fault only write nice things that you'd say to the face or pay my bill what the f* we've done something really nice to you you with the nursery and she be like you are so ungrateful a tenner is a good gift.

I recommend moving the thread to the Relationships board, where you'll get very good support (and far fewer idiots spouting crap). I also recommend you look at the Stately Homes thread.