To be angry that he read my Facebook messages?

[Closingtime94]

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted a thread to say I was upset that my parents gave me a card with a tenner in it when a few months ago they bought my cousin a Pandora bracelet and charms and I felt it was a bit impersonal- things have progressed since then so basically:

I was upset about it obviously and spoke to my best friend via Facebook messenger about how upset I was and how impersonal it felt receiving a £10 in a card from your parents and we talked a bit about it and she said they probably didn't know what to get you etc and I was like yeah you're probably right, it's probably just pregnancy hormones I'll get myself something nice with the tenner etc so that was that and I felt better as before that I was actually crying thinking they didn't care about my birthday (dramatic I know but pregnancy hormones )

My dad came round to work on the nursery as baby is due and I had to go out (pick my car up from the garage) so on my way back I get a call from my mum to say "your dad came home and he's absolutely furious that you have slagged us off all over Facebook for only giving you a tenner " and I was like I have absolutely not slagged you off all over Facebook at all? And she was like "he's read your messages with "Sophie"" so basically I have a personal desk top at home which my dad knows the password to as he sometimes uses YouTube to look at how to do diy things etc and he's gone on and actually opened my Facebook page to read my messages (god knows how many times or how long he's been doing this for) and it wasn't my last message to my friend so he would have had to scroll through them. I often close down the page and stay logged in (it's only me and DH who lives at home and DH doesn't go into my computer and even if he did I don't have anything to hide but anyway) so I explained to my mum (which I already mentioned to her) that I was upset because it felt impersonal and I would have preferred a thought out gift instead of shoving a tenner in a card (just to clarify I was bothered over the amount it was more the fact no thought went into it, I would have been happy with bath bombs and chocolate etc) and she said that I better apologise to my dad or he won't be doing my house etc etc (and maybe I was a bit childish) but I refused to apologise, I said if he didn't want to carry on with my house then that's his decision but I will not be apologising for having a private conversation with my friends, he shouldn't have read my private messages and I'm entitled to feel upset about something and speak to my best friend about it.

I appreciate I shouldn't have "slagged" them off which really I don't think I did, I just confided in my friend that I was upset and she helped me see it from a different perspective and helped me feel better etc but am I unreasonable to think that my dad shouldn't have gone through my private messages or should I apologise?

Just because your father is doing you a favour, doesn’t give him the right to snoop through your personal messages. Even if he is doing it for free (I mean, come on, do people actually charge their dc to help prepare their grandchild’s room?) I still think it’s thoughtless to stick a tenner in a card after getting a thought out gift for your niece. You did a sensible thing by talking it out with your friend and not bring it up with them. He wouldn’t have even known if he wasn’t snooping. Don’t apologise and finish the room by yourself.

You most certainly are NOT a spoilt brat to have a PRIVATE conversation with your friend.

Your father is a creep to go through his daughter's private messages.

He wouldn't be trusted to be in my home again.

Your parent's should be ashamed of themselves.

Don't worry about the nursery.
Mind yourself.
Very upsetting for you.

@Cocomarine

Can you clarify please: are you paying him to do the nursery?

I’m not suffering that makes a difference to his behaviour... you are 100% right and shouldn’t apologise.

Just you live now said you never said he was doing it for free - and I think it adds another layer of shit from them if he’s charging you! (other than for materials of course)

Yes I am, I'm paying for materials and I'm giving him extra for doing it which to be fair to him, I offered to do as he's taking time to do it - it's only like and extra £20/30 on top of the materials (I don't want to make him sound completely awful saying he's charging me when I'm the one who offered trying to be as unbiased as possible when pissed off , it was just a bit annoying people justifying a thoughtless gift because he's doing the nursery and making it out like he's done loads and loads of work for free when it isn't the case)

You need to change the narrative on this. You've dont absolutely nothing wrong; not a thing, but they are telling you to apologise or get no more work done. You're response is to refuse to apologise and let him decide if he wants to do the work or not.
You should change that. You should be telling them that he must apologise for invading your privacy like that or he isnt welcome in your home again. Make it clear that the problem here is what he did, not what you did, and his returning to your home in any capacity is dependant on him admitting what he did was wrong, it is not up to him to choose to forgive you for doing nothing wrong.

Hire someone else to come and finish the room, tell them what you expect from your dad (apology etc) and dont contact them again until they change how they are speaking to you.

Thanks for clarifying. Him doing it for free absolutely wouldn’t justify him looking at your messages, but knowing that you were giving him a gift for doing it (that’s how I see an extra £20: a nice “but yourself a drink” thank you gift, rather than payment) puts an extra spin on how you behave nicely and they don’t.

You're paying your df to decorate? But your parents can afford to buy your cousin a Pandora bracelet?
If my dh and I had asked our dc for money everytime we decorated for them I'd have several thousand in the bank.
Your parents sound bloody horrible to me.

OMFG

YOUR HORMONES ARE FINE.

IT'S YOUR PARENTS THAT ARE OFF.

I found out at 21 that my Mum had been reading my diary at 13 when I was suicidal following a rape. I never really got over the fact that she didn't try to help me.

I resolved not to be that type of parent, but to be emotionally connected to my DC enough to pick up naturally when they are feeling off. Not invade their post puberty privacy.

YANBU at all.

Firstly, reading your messages, and unashamedly admitting to it is awful. They should be ashamed. Don't let them accuse YOU of being in the wrong, you absolutely were not. We're all entitled to a private moan without expecting it to be read.

2. YANBU about the gift. £10?! When others are getting expensive jewellery? Maybe they are anticipating costs with baby etc but still I find that a bit stingy. Would be different if that's what they always gave people. But anyway, that's not the point. YANBU.

Find new handyman, choose your boundaries.

Someone who logs into your PC to snoop your mail and messages is likely to be snooping snail mail/other stuff as well.

Reading your private messages is an gross invasion of your privacy and it serves him right that what he read upset him. He should be begging for your forgiveness for this.

The birthday gift is also out of order. It's not the amount that's the problem, it's the blatant, in you face, favouring someone else over their own child. And from what you've said, it's an ongoing pattern of behaviour. Don;t minimise it by brushing it off as 'pregnancy hormones'. It's hurtfull and shitty behaviour.

I don't think posters should be focusing on his doing the nursery up, that's got nothing to do with it. He was invasive and rude and completely out of order. Frankly it's him thats spat his dummy out of the pram- when you are reading people's private messages you might not like what you find. Thems the breaks for snoops. It's the digital equivalent of him reading your diary and then shouting at you for what you've written. He's completely out of order to have done this and ridiculous to demand an apology. I'd not be happy to have him alone in the house anymore. I'd choose not to let him do the house. Take the stick he's using to beat you with off him. The baby will be in with you for the first few weeks and even when they move to the nursery, they don't care about wallpaper.

I think he has been doing this for a long time. So long and so habituated has he become to snooping on you, that he's forgotten he should be pretending not to know what he's discovered.

Or maybe he's a blatant possessive arsehole and doesn't care?

Did you keep a teenage diary? Use a computer when living at home? Have a phone that wasn't fully, secretly password protected?

He read those.

Two things

Your dad most definitely should not be reading your messages. That is wrong

Your feeling that way about your birthday while you dad is doing work on your home for your baby so you don’t have to not do you have to pay someone to do that is such a huge thing. His time he is giving to you plus saving you loads of money, time and stress

For this reason. you need to apologise for hurting his feelings

Then be sure to log out of your accounts in your computer, change your password and reset a guest account setting that you give your dad access to, that is if he’s ever going to come back to help you with your house.

They wouldnt be coming back into my house until he apologised for snooping and she apologised for taking his side.

And I'd never leave him alone in my home again. Who knows what else he has been up to.

The 10 quid vs expemejve jewelry thing seems like it may have been deliberate. In order to say 'we favor her over you'. A golden child vs scapegoat dynamic.

Oh hi OP's mum...

*expensive

Your parents' relationship with you, their view of you, is very, very abnormal.

It was abnormal before and will remain abnormal in future.

They will almost certainly try to use your baby to manipulate you and do all sorts of weird things to manipulate your child.

Don't let them do that. Protect yourself. Protect your child.

OP anyone can hang paste the wall wallpaper. I would rather do it myself than beg to have your self worth ripped further apart

OP you are not wrong you have nothing to apologise for.
Ide definitely do what a pp suggests and leave this post open so they can see how shitty their behaviour is.

Never mind him not doing your house anymore, I’d be saying he’s not coming in my house because he goes through my personal shit.

Absolutely 100% NBU OP. Did nobody ever teach your dad why it’s not a good idea to eavesdrop?

GalaxyCookieCrumble
Your dad is out of order reading your messages, but you are being a spoilt brat over your gift, a gift is just that, very ungrateful and rude for you to moan about it, you are not a child.

She wasn't moaning about the gift in the way you imply. She was upset that her parents blatantly favour her cousin over their own child. Which is pretty poor of them, tbh. The gift just show that up very clearly. And she does have a right to moan to her friend, in private.

OP, don't blame hormones for this. You are now just seeing clearly that your parents are actually pretty shit, both of them. You're trying to minimise this, because I think you don't want to get hurt by realising just how shitty they are, and abusive too.

Don't apologise. You have done nothing wrong, it's all on him.

This won't be the first time he's snooped. It would have to be an amazing coincidence that he's seen something he doesn't like the first time he logged on.

Change your passwords on everything. There's no telling what he's been looking at, especially if your browser has saved your passwords. Do you do your banking online?

And I see that you've mentioned that he's not wallpapering and doing the nursery for free. I hope he's not charging you for his time (materials, yes I can understand that).

YANBU

If you were complaining about getting £10 from your parents in a card without context I could understand people calling you ungrateful etc, but the comparison between you and your cousin's present is so stark. That would upset a lot of people.

People shouldn't invade other's privacy. He's in the wrong.

I found out at 21 that my Mum had been reading my diary at 13 when I was suicidal following a rape. I never really got over the fact that she didn't try to help me.

Chickeny

I think that the only time any parent should intrude on a child's privacy is when they are honestly and truly concerned for their welfare, and have reason to think that there might be something in there that would help.

But to read it, find out that you had been raped, and then do NOTHING about it is beyond comprehension or forgiveness.

I'm so sorry. It is a dreadful thing for an adult woman to cope with - for a child it is beyond awful.

Bloody hell! I’m close with my dad and he would never dream of reading my private messages!

Are you an only child?

I would worry that the lack of boundaries is going to get a whole lot worse when you give birth!