To be angry that he read my Facebook messages?

[Closingtime94]

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted a thread to say I was upset that my parents gave me a card with a tenner in it when a few months ago they bought my cousin a Pandora bracelet and charms and I felt it was a bit impersonal- things have progressed since then so basically:

I was upset about it obviously and spoke to my best friend via Facebook messenger about how upset I was and how impersonal it felt receiving a £10 in a card from your parents and we talked a bit about it and she said they probably didn't know what to get you etc and I was like yeah you're probably right, it's probably just pregnancy hormones I'll get myself something nice with the tenner etc so that was that and I felt better as before that I was actually crying thinking they didn't care about my birthday (dramatic I know but pregnancy hormones )

My dad came round to work on the nursery as baby is due and I had to go out (pick my car up from the garage) so on my way back I get a call from my mum to say "your dad came home and he's absolutely furious that you have slagged us off all over Facebook for only giving you a tenner " and I was like I have absolutely not slagged you off all over Facebook at all? And she was like "he's read your messages with "Sophie"" so basically I have a personal desk top at home which my dad knows the password to as he sometimes uses YouTube to look at how to do diy things etc and he's gone on and actually opened my Facebook page to read my messages (god knows how many times or how long he's been doing this for) and it wasn't my last message to my friend so he would have had to scroll through them. I often close down the page and stay logged in (it's only me and DH who lives at home and DH doesn't go into my computer and even if he did I don't have anything to hide but anyway) so I explained to my mum (which I already mentioned to her) that I was upset because it felt impersonal and I would have preferred a thought out gift instead of shoving a tenner in a card (just to clarify I was bothered over the amount it was more the fact no thought went into it, I would have been happy with bath bombs and chocolate etc) and she said that I better apologise to my dad or he won't be doing my house etc etc (and maybe I was a bit childish) but I refused to apologise, I said if he didn't want to carry on with my house then that's his decision but I will not be apologising for having a private conversation with my friends, he shouldn't have read my private messages and I'm entitled to feel upset about something and speak to my best friend about it.

I appreciate I shouldn't have "slagged" them off which really I don't think I did, I just confided in my friend that I was upset and she helped me see it from a different perspective and helped me feel better etc but am I unreasonable to think that my dad shouldn't have gone through my private messages or should I apologise?

About the birthday present, if your Dad has done a lot of work on your house (unpaid?), investing a lot of time and energy and potentially saving you hundreds of pounds, then possibly they feel like there's no need to buy you an expensive birthday present on top?

I have decorated not only my sister's house but also a friend's house who was drowning in DIY work following a loft conversion. I even painted spindles and banisters. This is just what friends/family do. I didn't expect any pay back for it.

I think your Dad has done this more than once. This is akin to you going to their house and opening their mail. I would tell your Mum that. Does your Mum know how Facebook works, ie that your Dad went into your private messages or do you think he left that part out? No reasonable person would think that this behaviour is okay.

Just leave mumsnet open and hope he reads this thread

Change your password on your facebook too, not just your computer log in. If parent a snoop, I'd be wary of what else been accessing with you unaware. I'd change a lot of passwords and locks, I'd get lockable draws etc for any personal info around house you might want to keep to yourself eg journals, bills, letters, photos. Clearly has boundary issues. Won't be the first time.

That's actually really creepy. Your mother reading your messages, you'd maybe half expect them to be nosey, but your father?

Yeah, well, the truth hurts.

You should say you're glad he saw it because now they know how you feel but along with being disappointed with the pair of them you are now also disgusted with your Dad for reading your private messages. If he can't handle the truth, he should keep his nose out.

If he'd not been snooping he'd've been none the wiser. His fault.

YANBU. Don’t back down you’re completely in the right with this one.

My mum probably favours my cousins over me, she wasn't the best when I was growing up although it's a bit of a stretch to say they don't like me, she's just not very maternal and has been abusive/neglectful in the past due to her own experiences growing up but things have improved slightly since I've moved out but as I've mentioned I'm not bothered about the amount of money, it's the impersonal aspect of it like my cousins were a very thought out present and I think putting money in a card is impersonal, something I'd expect from an extended member of the family if they wanted to get you something etc - replying to PP as well I have been their daughter for 28 years, they know my likes and dislikes, they know I'm having a baby etc at this point I would have been happy with some nipple cream, I'm not ungrateful, I was upset (and it's probably more to do with pregnancy hormones than anything else) that it seems impersonal and I am entitled to my own feelings and I'm entitled to share those feelings privately with a friend.

I’ve just read your other thread (and reread my post sorry if my wording was a little harsh) they are treating you appallingly, I agree with pp that going LC for a while is the way to go. It’s clear he’s been reading your messages for a while and no, it’s not right to deliberately favour any child over your own.

Will this be their first grandchild? It will be interesting to see how the dynamic changes for you 💐

absolutely out of order.

did they explain why they simply sent you a tenner?

send a message to your friend on facebook saying your dad read your message, and then see what happens! will they have a go at you about that?

Shocking behaviour from your parents, I'm sorry.

Maybe they thought Father doing your decorating compensated for the lack of a birthday gift? A couple of days of his time and to have hired a decorator would have cost £200+?
Reading private messages is unreasonable though - if he does resume visiting your house for decorating and other tasks - change your password, and if he is going to continue to use your computer, create a guest login, or one specific to him.

He's shot himself in the foot though, hasn't he? He had access to your private thoughts etc, but has ended that with his/your mum's big mouth.

YANBU

I don’t think you have very nice parents.

That's disgusting. What did you say to your mum? My stepdad used to do the same, it's a complete violation of your privacy, makes me feel sick.

So. Your parents bought a cousin a thoughtful gift and gave you a card with a tenner in, (which you have a right to be upset about actually- it is a bit crap) then snipped in your private correspondence, then massively over-exaggerated your "crime" as "slagging them off all over Facebook "

And somehow YOU'RE the one in the wrong?
No!
Sorry, but they don't sound very nice. I'd be going nuclear on them in your shoes. YADNBU AT ALL.

I would be really angry about the invasion of privacy. He needs to apologise to you, not you to him. Even then I'm not quite sure that would be enough. It would take me quite some time to get over that breach of trust. I certainly would never forget it.

I can't believe he sat down and actually opened it up, just seeing it on screen maybe but not to actively snoop.

I'd have been upset too by the impersonalness of just bunging a tenner in a card.

This isn’t you, it’s them. Do not back down.

Its actually pretty creepy to read your adult daughters facebook. Imagine if there were nudes or sex chat!!! Ohhhh Creeeepy!!!

I'd leave some other messages

"Are you reading this, Dad? You shouldn't be - get your beak out!"

"Also this is the last time you'll get the chance, for this or your youtube stuff, as I'm changing my password"

Have a look at your history and see what he's been looking up on youtube (or anywhere else). If it's something you cam embarrass him with, do it (or threathen to). He'll see what it's like to have privacy invaded.

This is the tech equivalent of the saying about listeners hearing no good of themselves. Your father decided to snoop, he has to put up with what he found; a personal message on FB is essentially no different to an email or a private letter.

I'd want ask how come the only thing they took from his snooping was an attack on them: most people would stop to think at the very least whether you had a point and that maybe they had been a bit thoughtless.

Sorry op, your parents sound shit. The present to you was shit in comparison to your cousin, no thought whatsoever for you as Dd. Your father reading fb... and yes you should change your password on your account as I don’t believe this is the only time. Your mother’s response is awful. Honestly sounds like the time to make a stand... send them an email asking them to explain how their behaviour is ok.... do not let them away with it or you will be coming on here in 10 years time with a similar story

It's not your hormones.

They do not treat you well

@FangsForTheMemory

You haven’t got anything to apologise for. Your parents have though.

I agree with this. Change your password obviously and tell your parents you are entiled to a reaction to what they do. You are also entled to private thoughts.

It is tough when you realise how emotionally immature yr parents are.

Veteran of this exact situation here.