To be angry that he read my Facebook messages?

[Closingtime94]

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted a thread to say I was upset that my parents gave me a card with a tenner in it when a few months ago they bought my cousin a Pandora bracelet and charms and I felt it was a bit impersonal- things have progressed since then so basically:

I was upset about it obviously and spoke to my best friend via Facebook messenger about how upset I was and how impersonal it felt receiving a £10 in a card from your parents and we talked a bit about it and she said they probably didn't know what to get you etc and I was like yeah you're probably right, it's probably just pregnancy hormones I'll get myself something nice with the tenner etc so that was that and I felt better as before that I was actually crying thinking they didn't care about my birthday (dramatic I know but pregnancy hormones )

My dad came round to work on the nursery as baby is due and I had to go out (pick my car up from the garage) so on my way back I get a call from my mum to say "your dad came home and he's absolutely furious that you have slagged us off all over Facebook for only giving you a tenner " and I was like I have absolutely not slagged you off all over Facebook at all? And she was like "he's read your messages with "Sophie"" so basically I have a personal desk top at home which my dad knows the password to as he sometimes uses YouTube to look at how to do diy things etc and he's gone on and actually opened my Facebook page to read my messages (god knows how many times or how long he's been doing this for) and it wasn't my last message to my friend so he would have had to scroll through them. I often close down the page and stay logged in (it's only me and DH who lives at home and DH doesn't go into my computer and even if he did I don't have anything to hide but anyway) so I explained to my mum (which I already mentioned to her) that I was upset because it felt impersonal and I would have preferred a thought out gift instead of shoving a tenner in a card (just to clarify I was bothered over the amount it was more the fact no thought went into it, I would have been happy with bath bombs and chocolate etc) and she said that I better apologise to my dad or he won't be doing my house etc etc (and maybe I was a bit childish) but I refused to apologise, I said if he didn't want to carry on with my house then that's his decision but I will not be apologising for having a private conversation with my friends, he shouldn't have read my private messages and I'm entitled to feel upset about something and speak to my best friend about it.

I appreciate I shouldn't have "slagged" them off which really I don't think I did, I just confided in my friend that I was upset and she helped me see it from a different perspective and helped me feel better etc but am I unreasonable to think that my dad shouldn't have gone through my private messages or should I apologise?

now that I'm older and about to be a mum I'm seeing things in a different light

That was the start of the end for me. Being a parent myself opened my eyes to how awful my own parents had been. Up until then I thought my upbringing was normal. But when I looked at my baby I just couldn't imagine hurting her the way I'd been hurt. Still took another 20 years of low contact and ongoing hurt for me finally to go no contact.

That is disgraceful what an invasion of your privacy. I would fall out with someone for life for this they could put their apology up their arse.

@BloodyMuppet Have you read the thread? It's about a lot more than a birthday tenner. And her F isn't doing the work for free.

@Closingtime94 when I first saw this chat I though it was going to say your bf read your messages not your DAD! Totally out of order on his part he had no reason to be snooping its embarrassing for him really. You should definitely not apologise you are entitled to your opinion and what they did with the gift upset you and its not a crime for you to say that they just don't like hearing it. I also think it's wrong you should even be paying your dad. I mean yes it's nice and we all offer and if hes struggling okay your being nice but the common conception is that parents do what they can to help out their children and don't 'charge' them for it particularly when it comes to small DIY jobs. I've read about your childhood and I'm sorry to hear that. I do think therapy may help you as I understand your upset I think you want what anyone wants a loving family who listens to your side of it and respects it and puts the same effort into you as they do the others. I am a stubborn one so I would stick to my guns and not apologize, perhaps more say I'm sorry if it offended you but its how I felt but you have no right to go snooping you should apologise and if he doesn't want to complete the work then fine he's being childish and letting down his future grandchild and daughter.
Having lost my own father I would say don't let this cut off all contact keep your head high and be civil. I wouldn't go chasing after them but if they contact you to ask how you are etc then be civil in response as one day they may not be around and that will hurt more. This is only what I would do but I hope and I am sure you will find a way that works for you. Good luck with the baby.

Please reread @WhereverIGoddamnLike post OP.

Your parents have behaved terribly.

I dont think you're being over sensitive or a brat for being upset that your parents stuck a tenner in a card for your birthday when they've put time effort and money into your cousins present. Who wouldn't be upset that your parents favour someone elses child over you.

I would definitely go at least low contact. They've proven they cant be trusted.

@ILoveYoga

Two things

Your dad most definitely should not be reading your messages. That is wrong

Your feeling that way about your birthday while you dad is doing work on your home for your baby so you don’t have to not do you have to pay someone to do that is such a huge thing. His time he is giving to you plus saving you loads of money, time and stress

For this reason. you need to apologise for hurting his feelings

Then be sure to log out of your accounts in your computer, change your password and reset a guest account setting that you give your dad access to, that is if he’s ever going to come back to help you with your house.

RTFT!!

Apologise for hurting his feelings??? Are you mad?

He's getting paid. (Who charges their daughter to paint their grandchild's nursery?) And he snooped.

He needs to apologise!

I have similar parents and I really feel for you. I'm projecting here, but you may find that at each stage of your child's life, you are struck by how awful your parents were to you, because you realise that you would never, ever do x, y or z to your own child. Things you thought were normal will seem totally different.

Your parents are totally out of order and I would struggle to maintain any kind of relationship with them after this. When you have a baby you need very strong boundaries anyway, and doubly so with parents like yours.

The moment when I decided to go LC with my parents was when someone told me that actually, those little five year diaries usually came with TWO keys. Although to be fair, my father giving me a bollocking for writing my diary in German was my first clue that it wasn't totally private! My parents are weirdly obsessive about their own privacy, but have absolutely no respect for anyone else's.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well, please don't let this ruin it for you.

OP - definitely go LC (with a view to NC) and seek counselling. As parents they're shocking.

And good luck with your baby.

YANBU at all. I would be furious. You have nothing to apologise for. I wouldn’t talk to him again until he apologised and admitted what he did, it’s bang out of order.

Fucking outrageous!
£10 when she buys your cousin an expensive bracelet? I think you have every right to be pissed at that even if you do say it’s not about the money, that’s a message they’re sending you right there “we don’t care”
And then to charge you for painting a room ? My dad painted my whole stairwell and upstairs for nothing but a few beers and a takeaway .. and then to have the cheek to have a go at you because your so called dad snooped through your computer?
Please cut these nasty fuckers off . They’re not parents .

Youre allowed to talk through feelings with friends. You should have utterly exploded at them reading your messages. That is beyond the pale.

What if he had seen something sexual between you and DP??

They wouldn't be allowed back into my house until the apologised and said they wouldn't do it again. It would honestly be the hill I would die on.

Oh - and what he did is illegal. Accessing your private communications without permission is against the law.

Or I believe it's illegal - it's like opening your post to spy on you.

I've never noticed it in the past but thinking about it he's mentioned things to me (just innocent things) and I've been like how do you know? And he's like you told me and I was sure I didn't

This kind of behaviour doesn't 'just start'....i bet he's actually been controlling towards you your whole life, and coupled with an abusive, neglectful mother, you've not been aware you have narcissists for parents.

I would actually change my passwords to ALL my accounts and emails and online groups and forums etc.
He's probably looked into other areas of your private business - bank accounts etc,

he owes YOU an explanation and apology.......

The mind boggles at reading that yr 13 yr old had been raped and doing nothing.

@OwlOne

The mind boggles at reading that yr 13 yr old had been raped and doing nothing.

Completely.

Poor woman.

How any mother could stand by that is hard to fathom.

[quote chickenyhead]@SchadenfreudePersonified

Thank you for your kindness. Yes, it was unforgivable tbh. I re read the diary when my sister told me what was in it (my mum told her I had written pages upon pages of wanting to die) it messed me up for years.

I eventually told her at 30, but she didn't acknowledge it.

Parents who are only concerned with themselves really are damaging.[/quote]

If she was anything like my mam, she wouldn't have wanted to address anything like that because if it became known "what would the neighbours think?"

Good on you for asserting a boundary Closing. You have to really believe and stick to this. It is absolutely the only way anything will change. In fact, you should be eliciting an apology from your father.

Do not discuss and debate this with either parent. The fact is he was snooping and in the wrong. He needs to apologise for this. If he doesn’t want to, so be it. And if you wish to continue this after your baby is born, that’s fine. Maybe they will finally come grovelling.

And I take it your father is no longer doing the nursery. Your baby will sleep in your room for at least 6 months so plenty of time to pay someone....

As for therapy. Yes, this will be a wise investment. I found when my dd reached certain ages, I remembered events, which had happened at that age. I hit absolute rage when dd was 5 months and I can only imagine that is when I stopped being a live doll and became a person, which my mother didn’t like.

Now that my dd is approaching her teens, I actually have more sympathy for my mother and her difficulty with handling my teens. I’m not excusing how she treated me. She just didn’t have the skills and enjoyed berating me for being a normal teenager until I finally put a stop to this in my mid 40’s.

@chickenyhead Your story took my breath away. Your mother is a despicable woman.

Your parents sound abusive.

I would be wary of letting them have any unsupervised contact with your future child/children and I would limit contact.

Thank you all, sorry for derailing OP.

Your post just rings so many alarm bells for me. Both of my parents are now dead and I was VLC for years after my sister died (the one who told me about the diary).

All of their behaviour was normal to me growing up. Everyone adored my neice, but there seemed to be something deeply dislikeable about me as a child. She got the girls world etc.

I believe that my parents would have believed that it was my fault for putting myself in that position. They were also highly manipulative deniers.

My sister opened up to me about abuse by our grandfather as a child. I was trying to get hold of the doll he gave her in payment, which was passed on to me, she had to look at it for years. My mum manipulated me in to talking to her about it, by pretending to already know and feel sorry for her. Once I betrayed my sister, my mum called her a liar. She wasn't a liar.

OP sometimes NC is all you can do to help yourself heal.

@BloodyMuppet what an apt username.

@chickenyhead

@Closingtime94 - if you do feel you have to apologise, may I suggest:

“Dad, I am sorry that you were upset by a private conversation between myself and Sophie, having snooped through my private messages on FaceBook. I hope that you will feel able to apologise for the snooping, and for putting so little thought into my birthday present, in stark contrast to the thoughtfulness you showed Cousin.”