AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

@tuesdayschild17 I think people often fear solicitors and court and apart from the cost involved (which can be huge) it is often a helpful and needed resource

If you are worried about coming over as bitter or giving him ammunition getting legal advice and neutral letters may help (although I appreciate it is expense) back when I did it before a career change legal aid was a very different beast/

Dont let him scare you into a compromise that isnt in the best interest of your child. Offer the reasonable amount you want to and hold the line. If he wants to take this to court let him - ultimately it will give you the safety and security of an order. I dont think he will bother though

And definitely CMS

Oh just to add- despite agreeing this amongst themselves they did get a court order by consent in both countries to ensure no issues at borders etc. DH obv pays maintenance too.

I wouldn't let my daughter's dad have her at all if he had substance issues?

[quote tuesdayschild17]@IceFrost He definitely needs my permission to take her abroad as he has a different surname to her (she has mine) and the last time he took her I had to write a letter giving it.

I am not trying to deny him access to the full weekend each month, I just don't want it to be abroad when she's so little. He also lives in a flat share so I suspect the grandparents would have to rent somewhere over here/stay in an airbnb if they wanted to have her for that weekend each month?

I would be happy with your second solution. That's what I've suggested and he is refusing to agree to that.[/quote]
Just a warning - all he needs is the birth certificate and he will be able to take her abroad. Make sure you keep her passport with you and safe.

I would suggest offering every other weekend for contact and more in the holidays with agreement to take her abroad once a year in the summer (set a maximum length of time)

If you can't agree this between you then invest in a mediator

It’s honestly nothing to do with the different surnames.

It’s to do with the fact that he and the op don’t have a court order that sets out when he’s to have the child.

In the absence of this, neither of them have the right to take the child out of the UK and both of them need permission.

He or the op could take the child away 100 times and never be asked for the letter to prove they have the other parent’s permission. Or they might go once and be asked.

I really wish people wouldn’t post legally incorrect info on here.

Addiction issues is a worry to begin with - but she hasn't seen much of him or his family. It is cruel to a child of this age to expect her to go and stay with people she doesn't know, not matter how lovingly they might treat her.

The first thing you need to sort is maintenance. I am really shocked that he hasn't been paying. Make it clear that the court would be similarly unimpressed. I would say he needs to back pay as well. This isn't and should not be contingent on your arrangements for access.
The visits - ask him to start seeing her in this country every other weekend in the day and have her overnight in the UK for a while first. You can then say that if this goes well, you can discuss the overnight visit abroad. Maybe he could take her during a half term break so that she has time to recover when she gets back. I would also have a back up suggestion in case you do make it as far as court - maybe a visit abroad once every two months and the suggestion that he takes care of her the Monday after the weekend as she will be too tired for nursery. Think about what you can live with. Be reasonable and as he is threatening with legal action, put everything in a carefully considered email including the point about maintenance not being linked to contact.

There’s no provision for back pay through the CMS.

Once she's at school there is no way she could do the weekend trips - these obv cost a bit might be why he's stalling on cms

@Dddaddy

It’s honestly nothing to do with the different surnames.

It’s to do with the fact that he and the op don’t have a court order that sets out when he’s to have the child.

In the absence of this, neither of them have the right to take the child out of the UK and both of them need permission.

He or the op could take the child away 100 times and never be asked for the letter to prove they have the other parent’s permission. Or they might go once and be asked.

I really wish people wouldn’t post legally incorrect info on here.

This is a law that is only invoked when there is a reason for it. People are not asked to give evidence that everyone with PR consents to them taking the child out of the country unless there is a reason for it.

He’s an unreliable addict and tbh I’d be questioning the safety of giving him access to the child at all. Especially at an age where she can’t tell you what’s happened.

A lot of children stay with a separated parent overnight at four or younger. You should consider that a court could agree this. That shouldn’t be an issue. Letting him take her abroad monthly is a different issue.

This is a law that is only invoked when there is a reason for it. People are not asked to give evidence that everyone with PR consents to them taking the child out of the country unless there is a reason for it.

Incorrect.

I was asked coming back from holiday. I had the letter, I had no issues, but I was asked to produce it.

As I said - you can go away 100 times and never be asked, or you can go once and be asked.

The op said the reason for the letter was to do with different surnames. That is incorrect.

Okay so now feeling like there is some conflicting advice here on whether or not he would be allowed to take her abroad.

As I've pointed out, I am not trying to prevent him seeing her overnight. However, having had inconsistent contact with her at various points I do think this is something that should be built up to so that she is comfortable. Also I do not think that having her overnight in a flatshare is reasonable with safeguarding concerns. I would be devastated if something were to happen to her as a result of me compromising this.

The main thing I am trying to avoid is the monthly visits abroad. I just don't think that this would work for her happiness and as she starts school in under a year, they would be detrimental to that too. I would not be opposed to her staying a night monthly in safe accommodation with him and the grandparents if they were prepared to fly over and do this. But only once he has been consistent enough with daytime visits to make her comfortable.

Also I apologise for any confusion about different surnames. However, I was under the impression that this would make them more likely to ask for the letter to be produced to prove permission. I have travelled with my daughter without being asked but I am aware that I could also be questioned.

@Dddaddy

This is a law that is only invoked when there is a reason for it. People are not asked to give evidence that everyone with PR consents to them taking the child out of the country unless there is a reason for it.

Incorrect.

I was asked coming back from holiday. I had the letter, I had no issues, but I was asked to produce it.

As I said - you can go away 100 times and never be asked, or you can go once and be asked.

The op said the reason for the letter was to do with different surnames. That is incorrect.

A letter isn't permission. Permission would be a court order or a notarised letter - not just a piece of paper that could have been written by anyone.

A detective inspector explained this to me. One of the issues is that there is no way for border control to know WHO has PR for a child. There may be one, two, three or more people and a local authority.
Unless a court order or police information is provided to evidence that a child shouldn't be leaving the country then they will be allowed to leave, as long as there is an evident connection between them and the adult travelling with them.

Also they ARE more likely to ask to see the birth certificate if you have a different surname but that is nothing to do with asking for permission

How long is the journey to his family's house? Is it anywhere that means she has to quarantine when she comes back, or might have to in future? It would obviously be against her interests if it means she misses nursery. In any event it would be a complete no-no once she starts school.

@MoonJelly There is a currently a travel corridor so she would not have to quarantine.

A slight diversion here, but do the grandparents speak English? I’m just thinking that if your daughter’s father is taking her to stay with people speaking a language that is not familiar to her it isn’t surprising how unsettling this would be on top of everything else.

We both had letters notarised by solicitors

@Dddaddy

We both had letters notarised by solicitors

Ok but they aren't going to prevent anyone from travelling if they don't have this unless they have sight of a court order or police notice that the child isn't to travel

@Covidity both grandparents' first language is English so that isn't an issue. More with the regularity of contact and her security.

I said you could be asked for it.

I never said what would happen if you don’t have it.

The op stated incorrectly that it was due to surnames.

Regardless of how often the law is or isn’t enforced, the law is you’re supposed to have a letter of permission from anyone else with PR, In the absence of a court order that sets out the contact arrangements.

Don't beat yourself up about the things you have done to be helpful in the past, OP. As an addict he presumably has some decent manipulation skills and habits.

Totally agree that she should not be sleeping at his flatshare. Presumably she'd have no room or even a proper bed there anyway, and the safeguarding and lifestyle concerns are huge.