AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

[quote tuesdayschild17]@IceFrost I am fairly certain he needed the letter alongside scans of my passport etc. because I also have parental responsibility and he therefore needs my permission to take her abroad. It could just have been a precaution though?

I am trying to drag it out, but it seems unlikely I'll be able to afford legal costs/mediation at any point in the near future.[/quote]
I have travelled abroad with my children who have a different surname on their passports many times and have never been asked for such a letter.

@Quartz2208 Thanks for the reassurance! Yeah, I think I have been mislead by him in the idea that a court would think my refusal to grant access abroad would be unreasonable.

I had it written into our CAO that my ex could not take our son abroad.

He doesn’t seem to putting DD first here. He wants to sleep in on the one day every two weeks he has her, so he shows up at nearly lunchtime? That one day is the lowest level of care and support he can show and he is squandering it. What an arse.

You say he is is a good earner but lives in a flat share and claims he cannot afford maintenance for his daughter but can afford to travel abroad once a month? This doesn’t add up. Again, it’s all about him.

How has he demonstrated/proved to you that he is clean? I’d be very worried about this.

Your daughter’s upset after the week-long trip is definitely a red flag. She is so little and cannot tell you what may have happened there. Presumably you don’t know his family or who else she came in contact with. Presumably he’s not proposing to travel with her during a pandemic?

Agree with PP saying block second passport. Make sure he cannot collect her from nursery. Then think about whether a CMS approach would trigger a legal response from him.

I applaud your willingness to ensure your DD has a relationship with her father but at the moment there doesn’t seem to be any benefit for her.

You need to get maintenance sorted out. This unless idiot has had you facilitating contact for him for so long, agreeing to go along with things you don't want to, and by the sounds of it controlling your decisions.

Sort maintenance.
Tell him absolutely no trips abroad.
He can take you to court, he won't get his way.
As for travelling for contact, I think I would be going to pick her up to make sure you get her back.

You have been far too accommodating and a but niave really. He sounds like a useless waster in all honesty. I would be trying to completely stop contact.

I kept speaking to dds father about Csa and money needing to be more. He had her two over nights a month and wouldn’t increase ect. Every time it ended in an argument. In the end I went through Csa now he pays more and has her more! Win win. Sort that out separately ASAP!!! I kicked myself I didn’t do it off the bat and I only waited a year and did get 160 per month. Now I get 185 and 4 free nights.

I keep thinking if I’d had that 185 sooner I’d have been able to save some of it ect for deposit and blah blah. You’ve had nearly 4 years!!! Sort the money side of things out. Don’t even tell him.

No court will allow child that can of travel every month it’s against their well being. Also it’s only to see grandparents, they don’t have the same rights. If it was the only way to see her dad maybe, still doubt they’d award every month!

Go and get proper advice, lots of places are free first hour, some are no win no fee ect. Good luck.

@tuesdayschild17

Try Gingerbread for advice like a pp said. The area that I live in have a family support service that you can access via the local social services. I don’t know if you have anything like that in your area but they are wonderful at providing advice for parents and they base it on the child’s needs.

He sounds like a useless waster in all honesty. I would be trying to completely stop contact.

I agree.

Once you have an agreement for contact via the courts, he won’t need your permission to take her abroad. At the moment, there isn’t one so he needs your permission.

Go to cms for the maintenance issue.

No court would allow this.

But equally you would need an order which prevents over night or weekend visits which considering addiction issues would be the right way ahead.

I read the thread and thought what an absolutely useless, lazy, selfish man her DF is. And how vulnerable you sound to it - over-accommodating towards a man who has not earned a joy of your consideration, and who will lever your softness to his own benefit, not the benefit of your child.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I do feel very stupid for being so accommodating previously. I will go down the route of CMS and stop feeling threatened that a court would grant something that is not in the best interest of my daughter.

I appreciate that the comments stating I've been naive are fair. I have just been so conflicted over what is best for my daughter previously and anxious about making a decision that would make her unhappy in the longterm.

I am not in the UK (France) but here are some things about custody arrangements here in my court order.

• Non resident parent picks up and drops off (so you are not being unreasonable here.

• Times for visits are written down. If the non-resident parent does not arrive within an hour of the set time, they forfeit their visit. (you could go OUT so he is not ringing the doorbell - would only take a couple of times to get the message across).

• the non resident parent is under no obligation to use their visiting rights (so my DS's dad sometimes decides he has too much work and doesn't take them - there is nothing I can do about that).

-our custody agreement specifies that the DS be picked up from school on some of the contact days

And yes, get the maintenance claim in whatever you do.

Good luck.

@jamaisjedors Thanks that is really useful to know!

It's a pity you put him on her birth certificate.

@Jeremyironseverything Totally agree. Another huge regret.

@Jeremyironseverything

It's a pity you put him on her birth certificate.

Wouldn’t really make any difference if he takes it to court he will get it automatically.

Maybe Covid is your friend here op. Nobody should be flitting from country to country atm anyway. Maybe not for a long time..
Imo a judge will look long and hard about how much he had done that had been in your dd's best interests. . And how much has been for the ease of himself...
He hasn't done very well has he?

If he has parental responsibility and there is no court order, he can make decisions about his child in the same way you can. You can't stop him from taking her abroad. I'd be surprised if he ever needed authority to take her on a short haul journey with return flights and her birth certificate as a precaution.

@Notcoolmum

If he has parental responsibility and there is no court order, he can make decisions about his child in the same way you can. You can't stop him from taking her abroad. I'd be surprised if he ever needed authority to take her on a short haul journey with return flights and her birth certificate as a precaution.

This above is incorrect.

See here for example

www.bttj.com/2017/01/17/can-take-child-abroad-without-fathers-permission/

Can you compromise on her going in every school holidays?? They're 6 weeks apart so not a million miles away from once a month

My son has a different surname to me and my partner (has his dads surname) and I / we have never been questioned while taking him on holiday. I see your point though OP. In school holidays would be better.

It wouldn’t cost you much to go to court, you can represent yourself? I can’t see how court would agree to him taking her abroad once a month due to school and being apart from you. You need to go to child support to get them to work out how much he should be paying and they can chase him for the money, he can’t bribe you with the going abroad thing, legally he has to pay for his child. You could compromise with him and allow him to take her abroad once or twice a year during school holidays?

My DH’s child lives abroad now. When they moved he agreed to travel over and nest for a weekend once a month (mum facilitates this as it was part of him a agreeing to the move and she’s moved to be near parents). SC comes here for half of all school hols so they have cultural experience/shared family memories here too (sometimes we all go over there instead though- it’s a beautiful country).

DH was a resident parent before they broke up and had regular contact after that and before the emigration though- he’d never have suggested SC come here one weekend a month though, it’s way too disruptive for a child. SC was 3 when they moved.