AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

I don't have any experience in the custody end but just be aware that it's relatively easy to travel from England to Ireland without any id. Very rarely asked for passports travelling from England to ni by boat. And you just drive staight down south from ni.
Also if he's from the island of Ireland your child will be eligible for an Irish passport and can have dual nationality so is it possible he will have gotten her and Irish passport - she can have both simultaneously.

@Dddaddy Haha, I think I've actually mirrored the level of aggression that you've displayed. I don't think at any point I've said anything of a personal or inappropriate nature, and I think it is in fact you who has been very pedantic. I'm pretty confident that I would be able to elucidate just as eloquently in court. As for running me down, I think that unlikely. I have no greater motivation in the world than trying to get the best outcome for my DD.

I don't want to keep repeating myself but I have stated several times that the consistency issues are not just a result of his addiction. I've also pointed out that he's in recovery and that I don't currently believe him to be active in his addiction.

I will of course get legal advice before it goes to court and thank you for the recommendations. Thank you also for taking an issue and challenging everything I say. The opportunity to counter your points logically only puts me in better stead if I end up in court.

@GabriellaMontez haha thank you! I realise responding to this kind of argument isn't particularly productive. But if I have to vent some of my frustration over DD's father, it might as well be towards an internet troll . It's certainly made me more confident in the fact that I do have an idea of what's best for DD. Thank you though

I am not a troll.

I have given you fact based advice.

I’m not running you down. It his legal team will. It’s what they do. They’ll ask you.

If you are so sure he’s an active addict, why are you letting him see the child alone at all?

You keep tagging me to bring me back to the thread. If you didn’t want me to respond, why are you tagging me?

This is AIBU. It isn’t relationships and it is not in legal advice.

@Dddaddy Re-read my previous post. I just said that I don't believe his addiction to be active.

Well that's a superfluous point, as you're also replying to me. I'm not bringing you back to the thread but some of your statements seem to deliberately provocative and demand a response. The implication of certain parts is that I don't have DD's best interest at heart, which of course triggers me to respond.

@Dddaddy Also can I point out that a lot of your 'fact based advice' has in fact been conflated with your own opinion.

Haven’t RTFT but he can’t legally take her abroad without your permission so I wouldn’t worry about it. I think you’ve been far too understanding over the years. Contact CMS to set up CM through them otherwise you’ll have months where he’ll decide not to pay or he’ll change the amount. I think the CM will be backdated tbh because he should have paid from her birth...

And no, he can’t take her abroad once a month just for a weekend. Ludicrous idea, hugely unsettling for a small child. He isn’t thinking in her best interests at all.

I’m not tagging you.

Please stop.

I don't have any experience in the custody end but just be aware that it's relatively easy to travel from England to Ireland without any id. Very rarely asked for passports travelling from England to ni by boat. And you just drive staight down south from ni.

Yes we used to travel over to Dublin by ferry quite often when DD was a toddler and were never once asked for ID. I guess if you're flying you'd need passports but driving over (ATM, don't know if anything will change due to BREXIT), you don't need anything. I didn't even own a passport at the time.

I think the father taking the child to Ireland shouldn’t really be an issue in COVID. She is in nursery, mixing with lots of children and she should not be meeting anyone indoors apart from her own household and her father. It’s an unacceptable risk to the grandparents and attune moment not lawful. So say no OP.

A longer term issue is boundaries with the father, he is very delusional that he is a go parent and equally important in the child’s life. Don’t allow this narrative. No point arguing with a fool but don’t give it mental space. He isn’t a co parent, he’s a father who has sporadic contact and can’t even commit to that

Just to correct th op who stated the father can take the child ‘anywhere’ while she’s in his care.

If there’s a court order he can take her anywhere within the court’s jurudstiction . So a UK based court order would make it illegal to take her out of the jurisdiction without permission from the court. That’s why court orders state resident parents can take kids abroad for 28days and nrps can have x weeks.

Interested to see what he gets back with!

Would def have to have a letter from you allowing him to take her abroad. Our future d-i-l has her daughter full time. Dad has her when he can be arsed. When son and dil go on holiday they have to have a his permission to take her out of uk and when they went to America her dd was still repeatedly asked who this lady was, who she lived with, where was her dad etc

Hope you are okay. Have you heard from him regarding tomorrow?

Courts always separate contact and finances - the courts have no jurisdiction re money for the child anyway- the child maintenance agency deal with that. Re contact, I’d think it very unlikely that they would sanction such a long journey for a young child on a monthly basis - especially given father can see child in this country. Contact is for the benefit of the child, not the adult. The child’s father is required to make payments for his child regardless of contact, so “bargaining” in this way “- I’ll pay maintenance if you let me take child away each month” is the wrong approach.

UPDATE: Never got a response to my email but assumed he was still coming today as we'd agreed that in a previous one. Last night I messaged him asking for his newest full London address in case of an emergency today, and so I knew where DD was going. It was also to see if he was still planning to come. He replied promptly giving the address and confirmed he was coming.

Today, I waited until a few minutes before he was meant to arrive to tell her he was coming. I didn't want to spring it on her suddenly but was worried about him being late and her waiting so this was my compromise. I assumed as I hadn't heard from him, he must be on his way. 25 minutes after he was meant to arrive I asked 'where are you?' - no response. 35 minutes after, I informed him we were going out to the park. DD was disappointed and frustrated and had been up for hours so we needed to get out. I'd also taken PP's advice to go out/make plans if he was late. We went to the park and she seemed to cheer up. Then as we got home she became tearful asking where he was and I finally broke the news that he wasn't coming and tried to distract her. She was pretty upset but snuggled up with a movie and blanket.

An hour and a half after he was meant to be there he texted saying 'he didn't hear his alarm and could meet us somewhere to get her?'. I was torn because I knew DD would like this in the short term but was sure that if I let him be this inconsistent now, it would continue in the long term and she'd be even more disappointed. I also had a niggling worry that if he 'slept through his alarm' it could be a result of addiction relapse and the last thing I wanted was her in his care for the afternoon, if he was drunk/hungover etc. I informed him that I was not going to mess her around again now that she had cheered up and that I was disappointed for her, that the first of a supposed set of 'consistent' alternative Sunday visits couldn't be kept to.

I was and am absolutely fuming on her behalf! Seeing her upset over him was heart-breaking. I know that it's mainly a result of her seeing other kids at nursery with involved and reliable 'daddys' and all the tv programmes where they feature. She's created an association with the word 'daddy' and wants her own that she sometimes gets/sometimes doesn't get. I feel sad that she misses out on something for such a pointless reason and that he won't have the decency to just walk away if he can't commit but is instead pressuring me for access.

I am also absolutely fuming at the fact that he didn't even have the respect to let me know he wasn't coming until 1hr30 after the time!! I don't understand this level of disrespect. I would never do this to any friend/colleague or even distant acquaintance as it's so incredibly rude. The alarm excuse is pathetic too... I mean would his workplace be alright if he just didn't bother to turn up because he was sleeping?!?!

I sent a follow up text in the afternoon telling him that I needed him to confirm 30 minutes before the agreed time that he was coming for every visit. Because otherwise, I wouldn't bother to tell my DD and set her up for disappointment. He has ignored this and my previous text... I DESPAIR.

I would very much like to tell him to f**k off for the next visit but if he does take me to court I want to prove that it has been his inconsistency which has prevented time with DD and not any bitterness on my part. I also have a last shred of hope for her that she can have the relationship with her dad that she so badly wants, however misguided.

Apologies for the essay rant. to anyone who bothers to read it all x

Well that tells you all you need to know.

Someone's been on his back about seeing her more now he's going to be finally paying for her and so he's paid lip service to that by badgering you with the travel plans and parenting plans etc. But left to his own devices? Can't be arsed to get out of bed on a Sunday morning and actually see her.

@FannysSteadiedBuffs I know! I would have thought that at least he'd have a level of self-interest in winning this supposed court case... by turning up on time, taking advantage of the access I'm trying to give him. ALSO who doesn't hear an alarm unless they are hungover/high!? I don't think I've slept in until 10.30 for about five years haha.

So now you know you can step back and keep records. You seem to be chasing him - I know it's tempting because you want to be reasonable, but if you didn't initiate contact about contact, would he?

Urgh he is a right pain in the arse isn't he? How frustrating and upsetting. My ex was just like that. It does sound as though he might be using again. Good for you for sticking to the boundary you put but I know it is very hard.

I think he's done this on purpose to ruin any plans you've made whilst he'd have been taking care of her.
He doesn't want you to have a life.

@tuesdayschild17 - you know his motivations but it sounds to me like the sleeping through the alarm is cage get out of bed because hungover. My exhusband has done this many times. He emails to request a skype chat (he is abroad) and then cancels minutes before because he is “unwell”(presumably because bath her out of bed).
I think coloured by this happening today - 10 am chat arranged, stupidly I rang him at 10.05 and it took him ages to answer - but at least he did but clearly hungover 🤷‍♀️

My exhusband isn’t particularly scheming though, just an alcoholic and depressive with little awareness (to be fair to him he has been recently diagnosed with aspergers) on the impact his unreliability has on our child , which is sad because after we divorced his step farther revealed his alcoholism and his mum told me the impact it has on her being married to an alcoholic and it led to their divorce. He never told me about his fathers alcoholism though and it never occurred to me, but now it explains a lot..

Weekends abroad?! But he cant even manage a Sunday out... loser.

‘I am fairly certain he needed the letter alongside scans of my passport etc. because I also have parental responsibility and he therefore needs my permission to take her abroad. It could just have been a precaution though?

I am trying to drag it out, but it seems unlikely I'll be able to afford legal costs/mediation at any point in the near future.’

Hi - this isn’t true it is just a precaution (unless you put a block on him flying where it would be flagged up) - I have flown with my son many times (different last name) and always carry birth cert. and a letter from dad in case, never once been asked for either...not sure what this says for security 😐