AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

@Morechocmorechoc I agree. In my emails to him, I've tried to take a tone different to here. I think I'm just trying to be more honest with my worries/frustration on Mumsnet as I don't really have anyone else to vent to!

But that's a good idea, suggesting he speaks to nursery about her behaviour. Thanks!

From memory of when DH and his ex were having a rough patch around two years ago, I think that if you are on a low income you may be entitled to help with legal costs, especially in family court. But please, please go to CMS immediately and kick start maintenance payments. You won't be able to backdate them, and the costs for your DD will only rise as she gets older.

I would say once a month is too much at any age. Maybe twice a year for a week each?

If you did without the maintenance do you think he'd phase out contact if you weren't so facilitating?

@OldChinaJug I think I'm just trying to avoid the stereotype that people constantly make assumptions about. Every legal advice page etc assumes that I will somehow be preventing contact because of bitterness/remaining feelings for him! When to the contrary I just feel really anxious about what is going to be the right decision by their daughter.

Yeah the morals thing has driven me round the bend as he does seem fairly delusional when it comes to the role he's played in her life so far. He sees us as co-parents and himself as an excellent father. Despite being yet to pay a penny towards her and also cancelling on me frequently/being out of touch with her.

Also travelling is exhausting so I'd be trying to protect her from that. That will have a big knock on effect on her schooling come the Monday she returns.

@hulahoopqueen I've looked into legal aid and my worry is that only part of the costs would be covered and that he would be able to afford better advice and make a stronger case than me. :( Although it would certainly be an option, if I was forced into court.

I will do with CMS! Thank you

Is it a country with similar laws to where you live? I would tread carefully. As her father he can apply for a copy birth certificate and a new passport very easily, (e.g. by saying it was lost) even if you withhold the original.

I would go through court, no informal arrangements. Also write in she can't be taken out of school for visits once the time comes.

@SuperCaliFragalistic I felt so guilty after she spent that week away from me, after seeing how unsettled she was after, that I feel the most she'd cope with twice a year, is a few days. I know this is tricky but he has never lived with us and doesn't have the relationship of a second parent to her properly so she wouldn't feel secure.

@footprintsintheslow Unfortunately he's very stubborn so I think he won't phase out contact now he realises I'd be okay with this! It's all so bizarre. His parents also push very hard for him to have a relationship with her.

The exhaustion at school is one of my biggest worries!

@CeeceeBloomingdale It is a country with very similar laws.

I am still baffled about whether a court here/there would allow him to take her abroad once a month? I thought that this was uncommon practice with young children.

@tuesdayschild17 ok would this work? (Trying to think outside the box lol)
Would he consider paying for you to travel also? So eg for a long weekend at half term and maybe a few days (a week even?) over summer, DD can spend time with Ex and GPS, but you're nearby for emotional support? Then once she's visited them a few times and feels more comfortable spending time with her dad you and ex can talk about him taking her alone.
Might be a horrible idea but just a thought!

Also SIDENOTE: he is stating that I should do one leg of the journey (to his UK address) on the alternate Sundays. However, I feel this is unreasonable as I'm already doing 28/29 days of the childcare each month and supporting her single-handedly at the moment. But I don't know what is common practice in handovers between parents?

We share handovers equally (mind you we're lucky, ex lives 10 mins walk away, and nursery is equidistant for both sets of parents). Depending on the distance, I'd offer to do the collection, to make sure you get her back at a reasonable time on the Sunday afternoon/eve

OP, it sounds like you have been very reasonable with your ex.
This must be so stressful for you but please don't listen to everything he says, he's just trying to get his own way!

Get legal advice, you will get help with fees.
He needs to pay for his daughter. Just because he is willing to contribute financially, doesn't mean everything is on his terms, something that he should of been doing since day 1.

It’s quite a long flight to do every month! Does she say she enjoys going? Perhaps going very half term would be more appropriate?

Meh I'd stop worrying about looking like a stereotype and start making sure I was looking after my child the best I could.

Make sure you golet child maintenance from him through official channels. Do you get money from him right now? If not, when you get it start storing it up and pay for court that way!

Also there's a backlog of court dates so I imagine you wouldn't go to court for a very long time anyway.
He is deffo bluffing and trying to control you.
Next time he mentions court just say yes, I think that's for the best.

He doesn't know what would be granted or not so do not take his word for anything!!!

Let him take you to court it won’t cost you anything to represent yourself. You may get legal aid.

I can’t see CAFCASS agreeing this much travel is in her best interest, and what happens if he doesn’t bring her back? He has PR so you’d have a lengthy expensive fight to try and return her.

Go to CMS for maintainence

@hulahoopqueen Our handovers are more like a 45min+ journey on public transport. I guess I'm being a bit petty in the fact that I don't think it's fair to split them as equal when I am shouldering 99% of the responsibility for the rest of the time. Also feel that in some ways that Sunday would be my only opportunity to make plans without involving my daughter and would be keen to be able to do that without the travel responsibility occasionally.

You need to separate out the two issues of child maintenance and contact.

It is always in your DD's interests for child maintenance to be paid. So you need to organise this. Do you know her father's salary? If so, calculate the correct figure on the CMS website, send him the calculation and tell him that, if he doesn't start paying, you're going to put in a formal claim which will cost him more.

This is especially important if you are struggling with money. There is no reason why your DD should be going short if she has another parent who is able to pay towards supporting her.

The contact issue is another question altogether. A court would look at what is in the child's best interests. So in the absence of a court order, you should try to decide fairly and objectively what is in your DD's best interests. In doing so, remember that trying at all costs to maintain a relationship with an inconsistent and unreasonable father is not necessarily what is best for her. I'm not saying he's a danger to her or anything (nothing you've said indicates that), but she's the one who will be suffering without you to protect her if he parents her for long periods of time in a capricious, inconsistent and impatient way and she doesn't feel safe with him.

There is no onus on you to do one leg of contact trips. It might be reasonable to facilitate contact by doing this if, actually, your DD's dad is finding the travel difficult for some reason, such as illness or losing his job. If it's just because he can't be bothered, it doesn't show great commitment to his DD.

@HappyHoppyHippo Thanks so much. I do feel like I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by this as we have been trying to reach an agreement for 3 months now and I still feel he hasn't changed his position from the beginning despite me trying to compromise in places :(

I think his ultimatum about paying is more that he is including the money in a parenting agreement and therefore asking me to agree to his other terms at the same time as the money. I'm not sure if he's making it an "I'll only pay IF" situation explicitly. I think he knows that legally he would be obliged to pay regardless of the agreements.

@tuesdayschild17

Also SIDENOTE: he is stating that I should do one leg of the journey (to his UK address) on the alternate Sundays. However, I feel this is unreasonable as I'm already doing 28/29 days of the childcare each month and supporting her single-handedly at the moment. But I don't know what is common practice in handovers between parents?

The usual practice is the person, who moves away does the travelling. But you say he lives nearby. Under the circumstances you have presented here, I wouldn’t do the journey. He’s expecting you to spend time and money for him to see your dd without giving you a bean. Controlling. Dickhead.

As for abroad, I would not indicate you’ll accept anything in the future. Your dd was adversely affected. Your response right now is simply NO. Your dd does not have enough of a relationship with him right now. He is responsible for this and for the future.

Ask the nursery if they will put anything in writing regarding the effect the trip had on your dd. Perhaps you will have to do the leg work, eg send an email stating what you observed and what you were informed they observed and ask for confirmation of this. I have no experience of this btw. I’m talking about gathering evidence. Did you seek assistance from the GP, health visitor etc at the time?

I am also urging you to go to the CMS today to start a claim. He really does have you right where you want him. He sounds like quite a lousy father and you are putting far too much weight onto his words. It doesn’t matter if he thinks he is a good father or thinks you’re co parenting. You are not. You would be better to stop trying to argue against his cognitive dissonance and advocate for your child. Every penny you receive from him is a penny you can spend on your dd for a better future. She won’t be little for long and the older kids get the more expensive they become.

Bottom line, if he really wanted to see your dd that much, he would be pitching at your house on time every Sunday without fail. The fact that he wants to take your dd to his parents every month to me signals he wants to be “seen as” a good dad without doing any of the hard graft - grandma and grandpa can do that after the poor girl has spent half a day travelling.

@Horehound That's interesting about the backlog of court dates! I guess it's useful to know that a lot of the pressure timewise is a bluff.

@Thehop Him and his parents have made it very clear that they would never commit to having her full-time or even an equal amount. She is sort of like a 'puppy at Christmas' situation for them. Lots of photo opportunities without the responsibility. Which breaks my heart a little bit :( as I think she'll realise this more when she's older.

I really hope that legally I would be in a position to prevent the monthly travel. I just think it would be so exhausting and unsettling for her.