AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

@Dddaddy I am not focusing on keeping her passport to prevent her travelling. If I was to go to court I would actually form the basis of my argument against overnight stays or longer contact based on his inconsistency, history of substance abuse and inability to parent her overnight without his own parent's supervision. I believe that a court would find all of this relevant, particularly as I have varied evidence to prove them.

I would also like to clarify, as I have said previously, that I would not be opposed to taking her to Ireland during the summer and winter holidays, if he had first built a solid foundation of consistent contact with her. I do not believe that a court would decide it was not disruptive to a child to do the amount of travel required monthly, plus the late bedtimes and the fact that he has a place in London where he can take her for daytime contact.

He may take you to court. He may be able to prove he is currently clean and also he will be able to show that you are currently allowing contact.

He is likely to be awarded contact in a contact centre as a minimum, with an aim of building up to overnights and longer.

You can get free legal advice from women’s centres in some locations.

@Dddaddy Yes and I am willing and prepared to deal with him taking me to court now. As far as I am aware the fact that I can prove I have continued to facilitate contact, even after periods of absence instigated by him, shows that I have my child's best interest at hearts. I think it would be clear that I am not trying to prevent overnights out of bitterness but from a point of view of disruption and lack of stability for my DD.

I would be happy with contact in a contact centre as I am not trying to prevent DD from having a relationship with her father, merely trying to ascertain what is best for her.

I'm sure he could prove he was clean. However, I could also prove that he has relapsed and let her down since leaving rehab at least once and this might hold some sway.

OP you are agreeing to all these terms, arrangements and contacts whilst he is not consistent, not with contact and not with maintenance payments which are owed your DD. Right here right now you do not have to agree to anything, sweet nothing, zilch... as soon as he mentioned Court, I would have said fine.. see you there...

you are accommodating a guy that puts in a fraction of the effort.. think of your child.. the disappointment... you need to stop covering and making excuses for this guy... if he wants to go to Court.. tell him to crack on mate...
then you tell the Court how inconsistent he has been. the times he has simply failed to turn up, disappearing for weeks etc .. Courts are not stupid..

Thank you @BlueThistles . I won't be agreeing or allowing anything else unless I've actively had a court tell me otherwise. A combination of the lovely MN posters and doing some in depth research has helped me feel far less intimidated and ready for a court situation! I really hope that a court will take into account his inconsistency etc and the lack of effort to put her needs first. There seems to be some conflicting legal opinions on here about whether or not that's relevant . But overall, I'm hopeful that they would see why this might have a negative impact on my DD.

I’m in a similar position - split from ex husband before my daughter was born but as he would not agree to a divorce until he got his full parental rights, he is on the birth certificate. He immediately returned to his EU country )not Ireland. I get emails about him being a co parent, wanting to provide for my daughter emotionally and be a consistent figure .
He has never paid a penny in maintenance, as “he is still getting back on his feet “ after our divorce 5 years ago. I can’t enforce payment and he is clearly unwilling to pay even if he is in work.

He is unable to maintain and regular contact, he can go for months (and at one point 2 years!!) without even an email and then expects to be able to pick up when it suits him. . He has cancelled contact on the day because he doesn’t want to get it of bed! He wants me to pay for his flights to visit our daughter- I have refused. He has suggested (pre covid) I take her to visit her grandparents in their country. I refused. I work, daughter goes to school - they are retired - they have time to travel. During lockdown he was keen to video chat weekly, as soon as lockdown ended in his country he started cancelling the calls with short notice - presumably because he was drinking.

Ike you I have been very accommodating of contact - with him and his parents. Driving them around etc. I’m learning to say no.
If the grandparents want to see your daughter let them travel. Presumably they are retired and have the time
With my exh the more accommodating I was the more demanding he became and the easier it was for him to believe his own delusional narrative that he is an equal parent - he has seen her maybe 12 times in her entire life, no overnights, never fed her, ne’er changed a nappy but expecting us to travel to his country as suits him. Absolutely not.
The contact is for your child’s benefit. The adults need to fit around your child’s needs for rest and routine. Short but regular contact. My exhusband has always resisted this because he doesn’t want to spend time or money on travel .

Good on you OP.. stay alert and don't allow him or his family to manipulate you

Two things.

1. Being clean for less than a year isn’t really much time, unfortunately. Court might put more restrictions on his access than you think. And if he tries to argue that you allowed him access to DD knowing of his addiction, your argument should be that you believed he was clean, but have become concerned after DD’s behavior has been unsettled after being in his care and nursery are your witnesses.

1. It’s highly possible not just that his parents are pressuring him but that they are bribing him. I have no idea what their financial situation looks like in comparison to his, but if they are “paying” him to miss work, or something like that, then he may have a financial motivation in forcing your DD to have a relationship with her grandparents. I doubt he just does it out of the goodness of his heart. His parents are probably supporting him in some way or have supported him, and are threatening to cut that off if he doesn’t deliver DD.

OP - even if he took you to court that would require money and effort on his part - he hasn’t demonstrated he’s willing to part with either.
My ex husband hired a lawyer (his parents paid) to represent him during our divorce, but as I have never prevented contact he has nothing to take me to court for.
With covid courts are massively delayed and this case won’t be a priority so hold your nerve and insist that the contact which is to benefit your child is the kind of contact that suits her - frequent, for short time periods building up as he shows commitment. The adults can travel to her (if they are committed they will make the effort). Don’t let him bully you. He doesn’t have any rights, (neither do you), but you both have a responsibility to your child. Let him demonstrate that .

If you were to go to court and get proper parenting access and maintenance agreements in place than you could possibly request the courts to re-evaluate the foreign trips until she is older and he has consistently met with the access orders. From my experience though, the courts want the fathers to have the same parental rights such as the right to take the child abroad on a holiday (which is fair), given he's not deemed an abduction risk. He may come to court and say he's clean of any addiction issues and get medical reports to support this.

I know you're in a tough place right now, but going to court and getting a fair outcome for both parents is probably the best you can do. Having things in writing, and signed off by a court makes it a lot harder for your ex to negate his parental duties.

You guys could work out that she keeps the same routine on her holidays and rings/facetimes every day etc. This is what I do when my ex goes abroad (he doesn't take the kids)

He may come to court and say he's clean of any addiction issues and get medical reports to support this.

He would have to do more than just produce a Report ... he would need to prove he is engaging with Addactions (Scotland) ... he could be asked to attend testing prior to contacts and prove consistency in non drug/alcohol use. It would involve several agencies and take time. Courts could order these ...

Im in Scotland is what I mean... not sure how it works England/Wales 🌺

I haven’t RTFT but 1) don’t sign anything. Don’t be reasonable. Don’t agree to anything 2) see a solicitor before replying to any of his messages 3) get a maintenance claim in. You don’t have to tell him you’re doing this. See if you can get it backdated too 4) file a prohibited steps order. You are in conflict with her father therefore, your child is not to be removed from the country.

I doubt any court would see a 5/6 hour journey once a month as practical for a child starting school. Also, Brexit. Also, Covid. Currently travel insurance companies are refusing to cover anything if it’s related to Covid. What happens if that country gets locked down while she’s over there and she has to isolate? They stop flying while she’s there? What happens if she gets sick while there and needs medical treatment? Who’s paying for that?

For now, it’s a blanket no to any non UK travel until both countries have been vaccinated. Including her. That’s reasonable and no court would deny that. You say “until she’s vaccinated against Covid and there is Covid/Brexit clarity then it is a blanket NO to any non UK travel. When Covid is no longer in play then we can revisit this topic. I do not feel comfortable with her travelling beyond the UK whilst there is a pandemic and things are so turbulent and unpredictable. Her safety is paramount. Once the country has been vaccinated and Covid no longer exists in both countries then we can talk about it again. She does not have my permission to travel”

I don't have any further advice to add to the wisdom offered already. What I have noticed is how you have grown in your knowledge, resolve and confidence just during this thread.
You are also A.Fantastic.Parent. Your daughter is so fortunate to have you as a constant protector.
All my very best wishes from NZ.

This....

Don't sign any parenting agreement with this flakey man.

It's all about him.... This is wrong... It MUST be about your daughters interest, legally and morally.

Would you reach out to al-anon for help. You're involved with an alcoholic (currently recovered) even if not romantically and he is your daughter's father so she will be involved with an alcoholic for life. They're hard work. Boundaries need to be learned and set. Also I don't know why he thinks he can bring her to Ireland once a month as they're still very strict on travel and she'd have to isolate for two weeks on arrival.

Children aren't Netflix, they're not pay per view. He has a legal obligation to financially support you. This is the addiction side - he's spoiled, selfish, and demanding. He knows you are weak and wants to exploit. Set boundaries.

Op are you properly split up from this man?

On another thread you talk about doing 99% of the cooking and your partner finishing it. But on this thread you say you’re raising your daughter alone.

@Gardenista I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I totally agree about the more accommodating you become, the more they ask for bit. I'm definitely kicking myself for not being firmer from the start. I will very much hold out for court though and hope for the best outcome for my daughter.

@RightYesButNo Yeah less than a year clean doesn't feel like a very long time to me either. I actually did have no idea he was an addict until he announced he was going to rehab. And would definitely make the point in court that since then, I only became aware of a relapse when he cancelled on me a minute after he was due. As for the parental 'bribery', I'd never thought of that! It's an interesting point and definitely something I'll consider.

@namechange20202020 I am hopeful that the courts will come to a fair decision based on what is best for my DD. Until that point, I'll be deciding on the level of access that I think is best for DD and not conceding the trips abroad. I trust myself to do this on the basis of being her primary carer since birth!

@Muchadoaboutlife @IamtheDevilsAvocado I definitely won't be signing anything unless ordered to by a court. I feel more and more confident that I could advocate for the best choices for my daughter in court. Thanks for your support!

@SueblueNZ Thanks so much for these kind words . I feel really encouraged by MN posters and even more determined to do what's best for DD. I have a special love for NZ mums too. My best mum friend moved to NZ a year ago and she was a wonderful human who I miss a lot!

@Lalaloveyou2020 That's definitely a possibility. I know that he was attending AA meetings at one point but no idea whether he continued that over time. I hadn't thought about seeking advice there before.

@BlueThistles I don't know the extent that he has kept to AA meetings. He definitely attended them immediately after rehab but that's all I know for certain.

@Dddaddy Yes, I am properly split up from this man and have been since before my daughter's birth. I met my current partner when DD was just under 2 years old. He is not partaking in the care of my daughter and is not a step-parent. He does not have any input into decisions made around her and does not make financial contributions to her either. This is as I would expect it to be. She is my child and I do not expect him to raise her for me. Therefore, I would reiterate that I am raising my daughter 'alone'. Does this answer your question?

I posted on another thread about cooking, because after such helpful responses from most people here, I felt it would be nice to offer advice/sympathy on some other MN users posts.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for the best.

I don’t think you’ve been entirely truthful - you gave an impression of being completely alone without any support and that is not the case. If you have a partner that implies a shared life.

You hadn’t mentioned anyone else and I just asked the question.

I am experienced in this area so I do tend to take a fact based approach. I am also on the spectrum so I do tend to focus on facts.

@Dddaddy Thanks.

I don't actually see how raising a child 'alone' is equivalent to being without other human relationships in my life. As I've said, my partner plays no role in raising my child... Would you consider the fact that I have friends (who also don't contribute to raising my child), something that I should have disclosed earlier?

I am pretty fact focused myself. However, sometimes focusing entirely on the facts without the social/emotional context can actually lead to overlooking the main issues in a situation. For example, ignoring the question of whether or not trips abroad will be of benefit to my daughter, and focusing entirely on how/whether or not it would be possible to hide her passport.

I wouldn’t have a partner in my life who had no relationship with my child. They’d be a boyfriend and only if they were prepared to have a relationship with my child(ren) would they be a partner.

It’s also very different have a partner there as a support for you, as opposed to doing it alone. I’ve done both and the difference is night and day.

Other posters focused on the passport. I corrected them because legally there is no requirement for her to have a passport to travel to Ireland. And since he’s on the birth certificate he can get her an Irish one anyway. Would you rather I didn’t correct that?

It’s Ireland. It’s an hour on a plane. He may be able to book every other Friday a half day and travel in the afternoon. He may only go once a month. You described it initially as if she was going to have to go over the Himalayas on a yak.

I know a family where the children come from India to the uk every half term and all of every holiday. Court ordered in the uk before the parent went to India. Half term is every six weeks.

If they can do that, your child will be allowed to go to Ireland.

@Dddaddy Well that's your prerogative isn't it? I actually don't really see the difference in calling him a 'partner' or a 'boyfriend' apart from the terminology. He does in fact have a relationship with my child, but not as a second parent, because that is not an expected role for him.

I have of course done 2 years without and 2 years with a partner in terms of raising my daughter too. As much as I feel having a partner has enhanced my life in many ways, it has not changed the level of responsibility I have in raising my daughter. It has not affected childcare arrangements or made a difference to the decisions I make about my DD.

I never claimed it was the equivalent of going to the Himalayas on a Yak. However, I did point out that the drive from my house to the airport on top of the hour flight and then nearly 2 hour drive at the other end would lead to a substantial amount of travel for my DD over a weekend period. That is assuming that they get to the airport with no time before the flight and exit it instantly at the other end as well...

Also what you seem to be missing, is that this arrangement is being asked for without consistent parenting and contribution to DD's life, beforehand. I have never heard that a court feels a parent's past behaviour and the impact that this has on their child is irrelevant? Perhaps the family in India have had two effective co-parents throughout who have shared responsibility and strong relationships and bonds with their children. I think the point of family law courts is that there is not a one-size-fits-all solution when deciding what is best for a child and their wellbeing.

His solicitor will ask - If he has such bad addiction issues, why do you let him have unsupervised contact? And they will run their mouth and run you down.

If you react as you do to me on here, and I’m not being aggressive or going after you, you will struggle in court and that will go against you.

I hope it works out well for your daughter.

You should get proper legal advice. As I said, you can access free legal advice from your local women’s centre. They will be able to assist you in anticipating the sort of questions you will be asked.

Pedantic. Belligerent. Goady. Self righteous.

OP may I suggest you start the 'new you' immediately, by not engaging with these kind of communications.

You don't have to respond or defend.

In a mass of positive, supportive posts on this thread, you were always going to get a tool.