AIBU to not let the father of my child take her abroad once a month?

[tuesdayschild17]

My daughter was unplanned with a partner who I had not been seeing for long. When I found out about her, I informed him and gave him the option to walk away. We did not stay seeing each other romantically after this time.

He chose to be involved in her life and has his name on her birth certificate (allowing him joint parental responsibility). She is nearly 4 now and he has seen her throughout this time with various levels of consistency. His family live abroad and also wish to be involved. I have done everything I can so far to facilitate contact, allowing them to stay in our house and look after her for weekends occasionally and letting her go on holiday to their country with and without me.

However, there have been large gaps in between him/them seeing her where he has been bad with contact. He has either been struggling with addiction issues or just unwilling to be around during these times. I have tried to still remain understanding, believing that it would be best for my daughter to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately, after she spent a week away from me in the Summer with his family abroad, I started to reconsider this. Her behaviour was really unsettled when she got back. She suddenly threw more and more tantrums and wouldn't eat properly. The nursery separately commented on a big change in her behaviour and asked if she was unhappy. I felt that this was a result of the change in circumstances and being away from her home at such a young age. Obviously the typical 'we don't have to raise her, so we can say yes to everything' came into play too.

Initially, I was raising her with substantial help from my own mother in terms of costs/childcare. However, since the beginning of this year, I have been doing it solo as a student and with a part-time income. Her father has a well-paid full-time job. Prior to September, I had never asked him for financial support as I didn't want to scare him away from a relationship with her. However, the financial strain of raising her single meant that in September, I asked him to begin contributing. We are struggling to come to an agreement.

As part of his side of the bargain, he wants me to agree to her travelling abroad once a month for a weekend to stay with his family. I am unwilling to do this because I feel it would be really unsettling for my daughter and cause more problems with her behaviour. I have agreed to give him access every other Sunday though, (which is the most regular he wants), as he does have a residence that he's renting and living in near where we live. AIBU to say that I will not agree to her travelling abroad and being away from me overnight, once a month while she is so young? (travel time would be around 5/6hrs each way). He Is threatening me with court, do you think a court would force me to allow this?

Any advice appreciated and sorry for the lengthy post.

Do you really think with the little contact he's bothered with so far he'd make the effort to take her on such a long journey for a whole weekend once a month. It doesn't sound very likely. Is it a flight? That's
Going to get expensive surely and exhausting for him and dc. It's a very odd request.

Who is he to give anyone a ‘parenting plan‘. What actual parenting does he do? Nothing! Is he older than you @tuesdayschild17 ?

@midnightstar66 I think it is his parents who are keen for him to bring her to visit them once a month and I think it works well for him as it's a trip home and means he can advocate most of the hard-work of overnight parenting to them.

@MadameMiggeldy It really irks me. Especially as he is suddenly insistent on it stating that we share equal responsibility and are both equally important in our child's lives and emotionally available to her etc. I just feel like signing something that implies that I agree this to be true could harm me in a court situation and isn't a reflection of me pretty much raising her solo!

He is a year older than me.

What an absolute gobshite. Put nothing in writing declaring anything of the sort.

Not rtft but this site may be of use: childlawadvice.org.uk/
They run an advice line.
Also look at the section on parental disputes.

we share equal responsibility and are both equally important in our child's lives and emotionally available to her etc

What a lot of crap. One of you has changed practically every nappy, cooked practically every meal, done practically every bath-time and read practically every bedtime story, gone on practically every walk and playground trip, been there for practically every nursery pick-up, soothed for practically every illness...

One of you is important in your child's life...and it isn't him.

@MadameMiggeldy I know! He keeps telling me that his demands are 'fair and reasonable' and reminding me of the importance he holds in DD life... Ironic considering he fails to mention his weeks/months of absences.. My favourite was also the expression that by pushing for financial support I wasn't allowing him any 'breathing room', bearing in mind he earns a good full-time salary and I currently support my daughter on part-time flexible work and a student loan! I had to bite my tongue not to say that I'd already given him 3 and a half years of 'breathing room' to pay nothing and how much more did he expect

@MessAllOver It's so frustrating. I think he has changed a grand total of 5, maybe 6 nappies in her life.. He has brought her back to me before having fed her a croissant or crisps for a main meal because he can't be bothered to get her something proper... And the one that pulls my heart-strings is when he races through a short bedtime story in monotone (on the few occasions I've allowed him to put her to bed in my house). I've had to resettle her afterwards as she hasn't even had time to properly process the bedtime routine. I read her a few stories every evening even when I'm snowed under with work or exhausted and can't face it, because I know she loves it and I think it's so good for her. I wish they would redefine the term 'parental responsibility' for him, because he doesn't seem to take any!!

My worry on reading the thread is he is asking you to sign the parental agreement is for a wider purpose. Wouldnt surprise me he takes her to his parents and doesnt come back . With you signing you are equally important etc etc i wouldnt trust him

Why do you have to bite your tongue? Seriously he could do with hearing some more of this.
-if you’re so important to her have you intentionally been trying to harm her by being so absent in her life? that’s horrifying! That would make you a monster!
-breathing room? You’ve had 3 years. What is it you’re asking for? 20 years financial breathing room so your child can earn your own way by the time I ask you to contribute? I’ve gone through cms and you can talk to them about breathing room, I’m sure they’ve heard it before from absent dads.
-why would I sign a pack of lies? We aren’t equal parents, you are barely a parent at all or not a good one anyway.

Good for you, OP! I hope this thread has taken some wories away.

Well, @tuesdayschild17... if it gets too much and you want him to fuck off, remember you’re probably also entitled to back pay from the time your cherub was born, too. I bet that will shut his entitled hole. Reasonable and sharing the responsibilities equally, my arse!!!

I think your DD was and still is way too young to be travelling without you! I wouldn’t be able s to settle!!

Gingerbread's legal advice sheet is here

@Anordinarymum

What if he takes her abroad and does not return OP

This 100%

I would get some kind of tiny “tile” tracker devices and conceal them deep inside her favourite teddy bear, toys, etc... tbh, I think it’s a deep pity we can’t get kids “chipped” like we can dogs and cats for this purpose.

If you're a student Student Services might also have some kind of legal help available.
I think it's very cheeky of the grandparents to expect a 4 year-old child to make a long journey monthly, presumably because they cba. Tell them if they want to see her regularly they have to come to her.

*what if he applies for an irish passport for her.
i'd be careful, he could take her out of the country without your knowledge.
some irish people have completley different attitudes to child rearing; i have seen them often allow young children to be up very late, / going to bed only when /if they want to. esp if the GPs regard her as a novelty. this may have unsettled her.
anyway, that's done. his idea of frequent flyer status for her is totally unrealistic imo. she is very young. he has never been a resident parent. he hardly knows how to care for her. probably intends leave it all to GM. no way could this prposal be in the child's best interests. it's just for his convenience. and vanity.

@beavisandbutthead I agree, hence why I've refused to sign it three times. He's sent me three virtually identical documents as 'versions' insisting I sign them.

@timeisnotaline I've already said some of it over the years and reiterated it recently. Unfortunately, I've given up about ever being able to change his mind from the fact that he's a good father and an equal parent. From now, I'm just trying to work out the best and shortest things I can say if he does end up taking this to court. But in terms of sentiment it does drive me crazy and I think the '20 years breathing room' was exactly his aim .

@justilou1 Do you know how back payment is calculated? Is there a different way to apply for that? Do you know what, a little tracker inside a toy isn't a terrible idea if he was ever to be allowed by the courts to take her abroad.

@Tavannach thank you, I will look into both of those options. I do find the grandparents almost as irritating as him. They are so entitled when it comes to their role in her life and yet fail to ever ask/check up on her when they aren't trying to get a once a year visit to show her off. I gave up sending photos and updates on her as fairly frequently I wouldn't even get replies :(

@Calligraphy572 thank you so much!

@alexdgr8 I think the only benefit I have is that he doesn't have access to all of her information but it's obviously always a risk. I totally agree about the convenience and vanity, I just hope that a judge would see that it's not in my daughters interests.

I think what I find most frustrating is that he can't see I'm acting in my daughter's best interest anyway. I am raising her on my own at the moment with no breaks from childcare at any point, and so it would be really easy for me to agree to a weekend off each month. I'm desperate for a break and constantly knackered, I've been struggling with ongoing issues with my health and loads of appointments/blood tests. However, I know that it would be too hard/too much for DD and would ultimately make her unhappy and unsettled to travel that much. It's doubly annoying that he can't see that the ONLY reason I'm refusing is literally for DD. There is no other benefit to me. I'm not trying to 'punish him' or make his life difficult by withholding her, I'm just trying to do what's best for her.

I haven't had any reply from him yet and he usually waits a week or more to bother. He's supposed to be seeing her this Sunday with the arranged times I've specified. However, I wish I had the clarity of a response beforehand, as I'm such a big overthinker haha. Having mumsnet to vent on is a godsend . I can't believe this is my first time posting!

He doesn't get to pay "if". He has a child. He's being thoroughly unreasonable to not already being contributing to her needs. His behaviour is appalling, but then you say he has substance abuse. You need to be clear with him. Your daughter needs money and needs consistency and boundaries. You call the shots. Tell him. Don't negotiate!

I'm afraid you won't get back pay. It only starts from when you apply to the CMS. But as soon as you've done that the click is ticking even if he drags his heels.

@tuesdayschild17 - dickheads like the sperm donor and his gene pool don’t actually realise that your DD’s best interests may be different to THEIR best interests because it wouldn’t occur to them that DD might be a separate entity. (A thinking, feeling, functioning human being that exists outside of their need for immediate gratification - How do I know this? My whole family was like this.)
I can’t answer the question about how back pay is calculated because I am in another country outside of the UK/EU, (another Hemisphere completely) but I have been on the boards for long enough to know that it IS done. I think it’s totally worth a shot! 🏹 There are are three possibilities - No back pay, but some financial input. (You’re stuck with him and his family)
Backpay and continued input. (You’re stuck with him and his family)
He suddenly loses all interest and volunteers for the Mars Mission. 🚀 (Bye, Felicia!!!)

I would honestly want to stop all contact. Why would you let him take her when it disturbed and upset her so much?
What if he never brings her back one time?
So many red flags here OP. I would never let him take her away again and go for supervised access only.
If you ask for higher maintenance you may see him simply disappear.
Let's hope so.

Do not sign any document from him without consulting a solicitor specialising in family law, who had read and approved it, and it could be produced as evidence to demonstrate that you were not obstructing contact when he inevitably fails to comply with his own demands.