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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to ask my child that they don’t refer to their dad’s girlfriend’s child as their sibling

144 replies

Plumsforjam · 16/11/2020 22:51

Today I overheard my child say she had two brothers. As far as I’m concerned she has one - my biological child, the boy (now man) she’s known all her life and lived with until recently when he moved out to live independently. She is now saying she’s got two - the other being her dad’s girlfriend’s child. Her dad has been in a relationship for 9 months. AIBU in telling her it is wrong to say she has two brothers? I’m a step child myself BTW, my dad isn’t my biological dad and my brother and sister are my ‘half’ siblings but I would never refer to them as such. But 9 months is too soon in my opinion to be forming step families.

OP posts:
HallieKnight · 17/11/2020 00:11

Her family is her choice

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2020 00:14

They are not brother and sister but I'd leave it. YANBU but I think it will blow over.

Aridane · 17/11/2020 00:16

@Elizabella

It sounds as though your daughter is a lovely girl who is trying to be kind and inclusive to her dad's gf's DS. That is so thoughtful of her. She is a credit to you so don't let her down by allowing your personal feelings to muddy the waters. I do understand your perspective but these are YOUR feelings about her relationships. At 13 she is old enough to decide who she includes and who she doesn't. Be grateful you have such a loving, kind-hearted child and don't make her feel bad about it because she will and will also feel guilty about upsetting her mum if you make it an issue. Think what you like in private but don't penalise the kids (GF's DS too) for trying to make the best of a situation they didn't cause or choose. You are the adult and taking the high ground sets a good example. It would be much worse if they fought like cat and dog. YANBU but just being human and feeling discomfited by the evolution of the relationship shifts around you.
This !
alexdgr8 · 17/11/2020 00:18

it does sound s if you are trying to disrupt her relaxed feeling about these people.
you may think you are trying to protect her, but i think there may be some unresolved issues from your own history, which you are muddling up with your daughter's completely separate life.
and you cannot control everything, all her experiences, thoughts, feelings expectations.

give her the respect to be her own person.
good luck.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/11/2020 00:22

@Ohthatoldchestnut

If you overheard her saying it to someone else, she may just not want to have to explain the full family situation (and "my dad's girlfriend's son" is a bit of a mouthful...)? Or she may just be trying it out to see how it feels and figuring out how their positions in this situation fit together? A old mate of mine used to refer to his dad's girlfriend's son as his brother as it stopped the bullies picking on him (the lad was a unit). Sounds like one to let play out.
This x 100. Unfortunately in a time where this is becoming more common, the English language hasn’t yet come up with a non-mouthful term for this relationship.

It could be for any of the reasons on this thread, but your posts come across as though this is about you and your feelings. I’d be careful in how you deal with this in case you end up making things worse.

LearnedResponse · 17/11/2020 00:29

You have already realised yourself on this thread that since you’ve instructed her not to use the slightly cold but technically correct description of her half-brother, and instead to use a more fuzzy and inclusive description, you can hardly start correcting her when she does the same thing for other children who she spends a lot of time with.

I’m sure you’re worried that she’ll be hurt if her father breaks up with this woman and she never sees her “sibling” again - it’s an entirely reasonable thing to worry about but I don’t think it’s within your power to protect her from that: warning her that they’re not siblings or really related at all, so she should keep at an emotional distance, will have no good consequences.

Original poster
Plumsforjam · 17/11/2020 00:35

AIMD - thank you for acknowledging I can have feelings about this.

All I’ve said to her, as we were brushing our teeth before bed, is that I overheard her say she had two half brothers. That I found it quite hurtful that she’d refer to DS as half, and that as a ‘half’ myself (as she is) I’d prefer it if she didn’t say that. Then asked if the other half brother was the new girlfriend’s son. She said yes. I didn’t say don’t call him that or play Merry hell, we left it at that. So don’t worry about me traumatising her. I will leave it, despite my reservations. It might never get said again or we might have a new situation further down the line if ex and girlfriend have a baby together. But I’ll get there if we get there. And I’ll be there. For her.

So yes at 13 she has a choice to call the other kids whatever she likes. But my job as a mother is also to protect her and manage expectations. Something I’ve been doing for the past two years by myself. When plans have been changed last minute, and when the previous girlfriend and children were on the scene etc etc it’s a familiar tale blah blah

Thank you for listening and giving your opinions. Even if you think I’m totally in the wrong it’s good to hear something other than an echo chamber from time to time.

OP posts:
PastaAndPizzaPlease · 17/11/2020 00:35

Is she maybe just doing it for ease? Like ‘my brother’ is a lot easier than ‘my dads girlfriends son’

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/11/2020 00:38

I was about ten when I was very proud to acquire a quarter brother; I rarely met him, and not a blood relation, he's my sisters half brother on my fathers side.
I'm not sure how my parents felt about it, but they didn't object - I do recall teachers at school saying "no such thing"
I understand your reservations, but in your place, whatever your feelings for ex husband, I would be relieved that they are getting along well and your daughter is happy.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/11/2020 00:41

*her fathers side - duur - still confusedHmm

& cross posted OP - it's late!

user1481840227 · 17/11/2020 00:42

I would maybe say he is like a sibling but because u don't share a mum or dad he isnt a biological sibling.

I'd be worried if a 13 year old needed that to be explained to them Confused

kifomadertonasomc · 17/11/2020 00:52

It's kind of hard to understand what your issue is with it. Basically you think that her referring to them as her siblings will make it harder on her if her father splits up with the gf and they don't see each other again?

Does what she calls them really have any bearing on how hard she would take that?

KitKatastrophe · 17/11/2020 00:54

I totally get what you're saying about her being upset if they split up and dont see each other again. But she will be upset either way, whether she uses the word "brother" or not, she obviously feels like they are close and the incorrect word doesnt change that.
The real issue is that they were introduced too soon (in your opinion). Again, using the right or wrong term won't change that. It's a tricky situation given your history but theres no saying that your daughters experience will be the same as yours.

Original poster
Plumsforjam · 17/11/2020 00:54

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

*her fathers side - duur - still confusedHmm

& cross posted OP - it's late!

Don’t worry about it. That means I have some quarter siblings too! My maternal siblings have paternal siblings. Lucky for my paternal siblings their mum only had them
OP posts:
IndieTara · 17/11/2020 00:55

DD's dad has a girlfriend who has a 16 year old daughter, DD refers to her as a sister. It doesn't bother me at all. DD is 11. I'm just happy she gets on well with them

KitKatastrophe · 17/11/2020 00:56

Also thanks OP for being mature and actually listening to peoples opinions and criticisms and taking it on board, rather than starting arguments and flouncing off when you weren't agreed with. That seems to be too common around here!

justicedanceson · 17/11/2020 00:58

At 13 cant you just have a cuppa and say you’re worried she could get hurt because the relationship is quite new and she seems very attached to her step siblings? She has probably thought about this way more than you are giving her credit for.

seayork2020 · 17/11/2020 00:59

It is none of your business really and I find this thinking very controlling

alexdgr8 · 17/11/2020 01:04

why would you tell her that you found an overhead word as being hurtful.
isn't that guilt-tripping.
it wasn't said to you. don't you think that's like the thought police, censoring what she says to other people about her own relationships.
i really think you have to let her be. you are over-invested in all this. no offence OP, but it does not sound healthy to me.

KarmaNoMore · 17/11/2020 01:04

Massively unreasonable if you to drive a wedge between two children, when the mum of the other kid will be providing so much care for your little darling.

Let kids be and do not immerse them in your own dramas.

Original poster
Plumsforjam · 17/11/2020 01:04

@KitKatastrophe

Also thanks OP for being mature and actually listening to peoples opinions and criticisms and taking it on board, rather than starting arguments and flouncing off when you weren't agreed with. That seems to be too common around here!
Thank you Kit. Posting has probably made me realise I’ve a lot of baggage round the issue. I will insist on DS not being referred to as half bro but will pick my fights and let the other brother reference go.

Can I come back when DD starts talking about her step mother 😆?

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumsforjam · 17/11/2020 01:09

@KarmaNoMore

Massively unreasonable if you to drive a wedge between two children, when the mum of the other kid will be providing so much care for your little darling.

Let kids be and do not immerse them in your own dramas.

Karma - it’s not her job to look after her boyfriends child (especially the boyfriend she doesn’t live with). It’s his job!
OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 17/11/2020 01:11

Well, it is very simple, it depends on what kind of experience of divorce you want for your kids.

How well you accept new partners has a direct impact on what kind of childhood your children will have, wether it would be a happy relaxed one or one full of drama, resentment and sadness.

You may find this thread interesting:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4058635-Being-honest-would-you-be-bothered-about-not-seeing-your-SCs-again-if-you-and-your-partner-split-tomorrow

alexdgr8 · 17/11/2020 01:14

is and ought are two different things.
you said yourself that he does not see her apart from the others.
realistically the new woman will probably be doing most of the caring for/about.
it's good that she feels so accepted there.
don't try to control her every thought and word, or you will lose her confidences.

cheesemongery · 17/11/2020 01:16

Brother from another mother.

She's 13, it's fine.

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