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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to ask my child that they don’t refer to their dad’s girlfriend’s child as their sibling

144 replies

Plumsforjam · 16/11/2020 22:51

Today I overheard my child say she had two brothers. As far as I’m concerned she has one - my biological child, the boy (now man) she’s known all her life and lived with until recently when he moved out to live independently. She is now saying she’s got two - the other being her dad’s girlfriend’s child. Her dad has been in a relationship for 9 months. AIBU in telling her it is wrong to say she has two brothers? I’m a step child myself BTW, my dad isn’t my biological dad and my brother and sister are my ‘half’ siblings but I would never refer to them as such. But 9 months is too soon in my opinion to be forming step families.

OP posts:

Lou98 · 16/11/2020 23:04

Sorry OP but I think YABU. As much as you don't like it (and I do understand why) they are her dads family now, personally I don't think 9 months is too soon. People move differently in relationships and just because it may be too soon for you doesn't mean it is for them. My partner and I were together 6 months when we decided to move in together and I already saw his family as mine, we are still together years later with a baby on the way, I'm sure plenty of people seen it as rushed or too soon but we were happy with that and that was what mattered. She is also your ex's daughter and so it is normal for her to feel like his girlfriend and her child are now part of her family and so even though she may not have two biological siblings, she does have two brothers that she is happy with. At 13 it's her choice to make and I agree with a PP that it sounds like bitterness and is petty to tell her you don't want her calling him her brother

doodleygirl · 16/11/2020 23:07

I think you have to leave it to her. My DD was 12 and SD 9 when they first met. They were calling themselves sisters very early on. 15 years later they are definitely sisters. Let you DD navigate the family relationships in the way she chooses.

Mintjulia · 16/11/2020 23:08

I can see your reservations but I think you have to let your dd decide.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/11/2020 23:09

There will be many times you won't agree with her decisions.
All you can do is support her if/when things don't work out.

DramaInPyjama · 16/11/2020 23:10

@Plumsforjam

Why do I care? Because I have experience of being a step child and how it made me feel as a child. Because I don’t want her to get hurt if the relationship fails and she never sees someone she considers to be family again. Because I think her father should be making her a priority in his life rather than prioritising a new relationship and blending a new family when it’s too soon.

But you can't change any of that. Whether it's too soon or not is sort of irrelevant. You insisting that he isn't her brother when that's how she wants to refer to him doesn't change the fact that she's now met this girlfriend and her child and so on. It's more likely to just confuse and upset her now.

As hard as it is, all you can really do is be there if things go wrong to help pick up the pieces.

Don't confuse your child by making it awkward for her to find a place she's happy with in her dad's life with his girlfriend and her son. And it will make it awkward if she gets the impression you aren't happy about it.

musicalfrog · 16/11/2020 23:12

You're projecting your own negative experiences though. I was a stepchild too, and have nothing but positive memories. Also 9 months isn't rushing things imo.

DramaInPyjama · 16/11/2020 23:13

I actually think it's better that she feels comfortable enough to call him that. I understand that to us, as adults it is strange to call someone your brother after such a short time.

But really, it is so much better than the alternative of her being upset/not included/ feeling pushed out etc... She obviously feels like these people are now in her family and whilst yes logically it may be too soon, it's better than the above, surely?

musicalfrog · 16/11/2020 23:14

It sounds like she might like the idea of a new sibling. I think it's great she's feeling positive, and hopefully she would talk to you if she was worried about anything.

Goosefoot · 16/11/2020 23:16

Are they living together, the gf and your ex? If so, it's probably inevitable she'll use that term.

If not, I'd say objectively you are right, it's not a great idea. There seems to be a tendency for people now who move on to a new relationship to want to create a sort of insta-family. It doesn't really help build a stronger relationship though and has real downsides as you point out.

But I don't know that there is a whole lot you can do about it necessarily. Unless you actually talk to her about why you think it might be a bad idea. But that would depend a lot on her maturity, and whether you could do it without sounding pissy about it (that not a criticism of being upset, but if she picks up you are annoyed at your ex that would probably not be positive.)

GlummyMcGlummerson · 16/11/2020 23:18

You aren't a family with someone after 9 months. You're a fool who hasn't thought through the implications of blending families and what will happen if it doesn't work out.

Velvian · 16/11/2020 23:19

I also think it's a novelty and you should say nothing. It's really not your place to dictate. I would see it as a positive thing. They are obviously getting on well and it is not as if they have a choice in the matter.

I understand it must grate, but it does not affect the relationship that your DD will always have with your DS. It indicates that your DD is working hard to make sure everyone in her dad's household gels and that is commendable, it can't be easy.

Tizzwazz · 16/11/2020 23:22

Yes.

sibling
[ˈsɪblɪŋ]
NOUN
sibling (noun) · siblings (plural noun)
each of two or more children or offspring having one or both parents in common; a brother or sister.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/11/2020 23:26

I wouldn't refer to him as her brother myself. But I wouldn't tell her not to refer to him that way and I wouldn't refuse to acknowledge him if that's the way she or her father talk about him.

What I would do is talk to her about it. Let her know that she shouldn't feel obliged to think of him the same way as her actual brother, but it's okay if she likes him as a brother and it's okay if her feelings change, that she shouldn't feel pressured to refer to him one way or another, etc.

I think 9 months is pretty short in someways, but if he's living with the girlfriend and child (and this is the first time he's lived with someone since you broke up) I wouldn't be preparing her for the possibility of a break up. If they aren't even living together or if he has form for getting intense with other women and then breaking up after 12 - 24 months I'd look into how to help her build some resilience against the possibility of a break up - but I'm not sure how. I think it's difficult to do that without damaging her trust in people more generally and I don't think simply insisting she doesn't call him "brother" would help.

AIMD · 16/11/2020 23:27

At 13 she will be well aware he’s not her brother in the same way your other child is. However if she wants to refer to her fathers girlfriend child as her brother then surely that’s up to her at 13?

Why are you so bothered by it?

Original poster

Plumsforjam · 16/11/2020 23:30

I know she feels welcome there and enjoys going over. And the girlfriend has done nice things like a Easter treats and bought pyjamas etc. There are more children in the house (I don’t want to out myself by saying how many) so she has some ready made sisters too (I’m sure this was beneficial to have other children to hang out with during lockdown). If it goes tits up though there’s potentially a lot of children could be hurt and upset. The relationship isn’t at the living together stage, they have separate houses but my daughter is at the girlfriends and with the other children every time she sees her father. No alone time with him at his house. I see the majority think AIBU. That’s fine, I did ask. I’ve said I found it hurtful to hear her refer to her brother as her ‘half’ brother and that I’d prefer it if she didn’t refer to him like that. I guess I will have to roll with her new ‘siblings’ and hope all goes well.

OP posts:

AIMD · 16/11/2020 23:32

Why do you find it hurtful op? I understand you might be worried about her getting so invested when her dads relationship is so new, but why is it hurtful to you?

SallySaidHi · 16/11/2020 23:32

Well he's not her brother, or even her step brother as her father and his partner are not married, so YANBU.

TwentyViginti · 16/11/2020 23:35

No alone time with her father? That's not good. I expect your DD is frightened of losing her dad to this new family, and is trying to blend in with the status quo.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2020 23:35

You're turning it into 'all about you' OP.

Leave her alone and let her use the names she wants.

If it goes tits up then so be it but it won't have anything to do with the words she chooses.

notangelinajolie · 16/11/2020 23:36

At 13 with a real brother of her own she understands what a brother is. If she wants to call her dad's girlfriends son her brother then it is up to her. It's only been 9 months so time will tell. Let this one go.

Tavannach · 16/11/2020 23:36

She's right though - he is her brother through her father. Strictly speaking of course it's "half-brother" but that's not what she sees. They share a father, he's not some random, he's her brother.
You mustn't project your own negative thoughts and experiences onto her.

TwentyViginti · 16/11/2020 23:37

Will he be amenable to you having a gentle chat with him and suggesting he makes some time to be with DD just her and him?

Elizabella · 16/11/2020 23:38

It sounds as though your daughter is a lovely girl who is trying to be kind and inclusive to her dad's gf's DS. That is so thoughtful of her. She is a credit to you so don't let her down by allowing your personal feelings to muddy the waters. I do understand your perspective but these are YOUR feelings about her relationships. At 13 she is old enough to decide who she includes and who she doesn't. Be grateful you have such a loving, kind-hearted child and don't make her feel bad about it because she will and will also feel guilty about upsetting her mum if you make it an issue. Think what you like in private but don't penalise the kids (GF's DS too) for trying to make the best of a situation they didn't cause or choose. You are the adult and taking the high ground sets a good example. It would be much worse if they fought like cat and dog. YANBU but just being human and feeling discomfited by the evolution of the relationship shifts around you.

TwentyViginti · 16/11/2020 23:38

@Tavannach

She's right though - he is her brother through her father. Strictly speaking of course it's "half-brother" but that's not what she sees. They share a father, he's not some random, he's her brother. You mustn't project your own negative thoughts and experiences onto her.

I thought all the other kids were the girlfriend's and not his?

RunningFromInsanity · 16/11/2020 23:40

You are making this all about you.
At 13 she knows what makes a full brother, a half brother, a step brother etc.

Surely be grateful she gets along with him enough to consider him a brother. Would you rather they didn’t get along and it’s a horrible and awkward atmosphere whenever she goes over there??

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