AIBU - to ask my child that they don’t refer to their dad’s girlfriend’s child as their sibling

[Plumsforjam]

Today I overheard my child say she had two brothers. As far as I’m concerned she has one - my biological child, the boy (now man) she’s known all her life and lived with until recently when he moved out to live independently. She is now saying she’s got two - the other being her dad’s girlfriend’s child. Her dad has been in a relationship for 9 months. AIBU in telling her it is wrong to say she has two brothers? I’m a step child myself BTW, my dad isn’t my biological dad and my brother and sister are my ‘half’ siblings but I would never refer to them as such. But 9 months is too soon in my opinion to be forming step families.

YABU

You do seem a bit controlling. Mentioning the one on one time to your EX, what your DD calls siblings.

People are entitled to think what they want to think. Your EX will do what he wants. Your DD will do what she wants.
And those things may not be what your like or want.

You know why I mentioned the one on one time with ex? It was after DD came back upset after seeing her dad for 90 minutes as part of a family themed activity (yes lovely that she was included in said activity) but was sent home in the bus and dad stayed with everyone else. She cried because she’d wanted to spend more time with him. I asked how she’d like to tackle this and it was decided I’d speak to him about it. I was pleasant, non confrontational and he agreed that he’d spend some quality time with her. I don’t see that as controlling - I’m trying to advocate for our child’s best interests.

Both my children and myself will never have full siblings. So we are all ‘halves’. What she calls her brother she is also calling herself and me. So yes, I object to that particular term. I would also correct someone referring to my dad as my step dad and also anyone who called DS grandma his ‘adopted’ grandma. However I can see that i probably shouldn’t police how DD refers to ex’s girlfriend’s children. I will leave it up to her.

YABabitU

I can understand your feelings, but you don't tell a 13yo what she can & can't refer to the lad as.

1, she's 13, it's wrong & you'd look a bit of a prat.

2.She's 13, when she knows you don't like it, she'll be using it against you to wind up in no time, that's just what teens do.

It's best ignored

It's when she mentions her brother in front of other people who only thought she has one brother, and then it's left to you to explain who he is/what relation he is, that I would personally find it annoying, and embarrassing.

Let her get on with it.

A step sibling is related to you because your parents are married- no biological link, children are from other relationships.
A half sibling shares 1 parent with you.
I have both half and step siblings and refer to them as such.
I would probably say differently if I had grown up living with them.
Sounds like she's enjoying the novelty of it all

i still don't see why / how you can object to the half description.
or rather to her using it. it's not a swear word.
you don't have to use it if you don't like it. but why does it matter to you how she describes her own relatives. they are her relatives after all. you sound as if you own copyright in the terms used. frankly i don't see how you have any right to tell her what terms she must/ not use. it sounds creepy to me.

I didn't realise she called your son her half brother too. That puts a different spin on it. I would definitely be upset by that.

I have a half sister. I've only met her around 3 times. We have no relationship so I wouldn't really consider her to be a half sister, although technically she is...but If siblings grow up in the same household then I would imagine it's unusual that they would call each other their half siblings. I've certainly never heard that and yes I would be upset if my daughter gave their dads girlfriends child who hasn't been in their life that long the same 'half sibling' status as their real sibling who they have always lived with.

I think you might have got different replies if you had said in the OP that she referred to both of them as her half brothers....rather than her brothers, because for me that changes the scenario entirely!

This is all subjective though isn’t it?

People saying the daughter must be feeling x or y or being made to feel a certain way by the dad etc when actually by the OP insisting on a different approach the daughter will be pressured into feeling something by her mum. There are no winners here except perhaps the daughter.

And if adults start referring to their new partner (bf/gf) kids as their step kids and don’t assume it’s too soon why should the children be made to feel that it is?

And people saying that nine months is too soon is all subjective as well. Yes it might be, but equally maybe the relationship will last and the bond between the siblings will strengthen. At thirteen the DD will know that her parents potentially have new relationships. She may actually want to be included in what he’s doing because that makes her a part of his life. This isn’t like when you have little kids and you hold off forever for the kids to meet the new partner. Older kids are more knowledgeable than that.

And every relationship is different. My DC was ten when I got together with my now DP. I introduced them weeks into the relationship not because I wanted to, but because my eXH gave me an ultimatum, either I tell DS, or he would. So I made very gentle introductions, and nearly eight years on they still have a very good relationship.

By the same token though my eXH did the same and introduced his GF and her DC to him within weeks, moved her in and had another child with her within a year and DS feels totally differently about her, in fact he has absolutely nothing to do with her and refers to his dad’s DC as his step sibling not even half sibling.

He also refers to the GF’s DC as his step siblings for ease of reference rather than anything else. He has literally nothing to do with them, ever. He does see his half sibling with his dad sometimes, but even that is rare.

sometimes it's easier to avoid a lengthy conversation about a complicated relationship when meeting new people. 'Third cousin twice removed', 'grandparents raising me', 'adopted' etc. I'd shorten that to 'cousin', 'parents' and 'mum and/or dad', particularly if I felt close to these family members and the roles were already in use.

I'm sure this is about the way it makes YOU feel rather than splitting hairs. Please don't place that kind of responsibility on your child.

@Justmuddlingalong

X post. I think at that age it's a novelty. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, personally.

Nor me. She must like the child. I think it's rather nice in a way. Anyway your daughter is 13 so it's up to her what she calls her dad's girlfriend's child.

I remember a neighbour's child doing the same, going around saying, "We're sisters now", and being very matey. Nobody objected. The adults' relationship didn't last but it meant something to the kids at the time.

You sound a bit 'sour' about it to be honest. It doesn't detract from your relationship with your child or hers with her brother so why worry?

Yanbu, a gf of 9 months who she doesn't even live with is hardly her step mum and her kids are definitely not her siblings. I find this a very weird thing for her to do.
Do you think she is doing it to feel as if she is part of their family?

She can refer to him however she likes - she feels close to him which is nice. At least they get on. My DD's talk about their dads girlfriends ds as like their brother. I wouldn't bet an eyelid if they dropped the 'like a' bit. That's would he very controlling of me to dictate. Mine are 7 and 10.

Also I think your reasoning is a little flawed. They are at an age where they can keep in touch even if the relationship does go 'tits up'. Which can happen to any relationship at any time. It happened with you and her father for example and no doubt she was hurt then, but it sounds like she's come through it just fine from what you say. At least she's happy about the new relationship and not distressed.

@user1481840227

I didn't realise she called your son her half brother too. That puts a different spin on it. I would definitely be upset by that.

I have a half sister. I've only met her around 3 times. We have no relationship so I wouldn't really consider her to be a half sister, although technically she is...but If siblings grow up in the same household then I would imagine it's unusual that they would call each other their half siblings. I've certainly never heard that and yes I would be upset if my daughter gave their dads girlfriends child who hasn't been in their life that long the same 'half sibling' status as their real sibling who they have always lived with.

I think you might have got different replies if you had said in the OP that she referred to both of them as her half brothers....rather than her brothers, because for me that changes the scenario entirely!

Just re-read my original post and I probably should have said I overheard her say she had two half brothers. So it was a bit of a surprise to have her flesh and blood ‘downgraded’ word wise and given the same ‘status’ as someone she’s met a handful of times.

To those who’ve said titles don’t matter and children can call people what they like - would you not correct in any instance? For example I also have a boyfriend (who was introduced at DD’s request after 6 months) I would correct her if she referred to him as her step dad. They get on well, enjoy each other’s company etc etc but he’s not a step dad. He’s her mother’s boyfriend. I’d feel it was disrespectful to her dad (however much he’s made my life difficult). I’ve got no plans to move him in because I think my daughter needs some stability after a lot of changes in her life in a short amount of time (dad moving out, brother moving out, her pets at her dads being rehomed, the new family dynamic).

If I sound bitter to anyone then I’d like to think it’s only on here where I’m anonymously offloading my feelings onto strangers on the internet not at my daughter. I smile and say ‘that was so nice for X to have bought you those pyjamas’ ‘that’s a lovely Easter present from X’. I don’t mention I have to ask for every penny from her father or that he’s chosen to take an extra shift at work ‘maybe next time eh? Let’s go do that thing he promised to do’ etc. I do a lot of biting my tongue around her so forgive me if I feel slightly bitter given the circumstances.

Sorry but you're projecting your own experiences on your child. Which is likely to be harmful in the long term.

This woman sounds like she is making an effort to help blend families, and if this is looking like a serious long term relationship I see no problem in that. 9 months seems a perfectly reasonable time to start blending families.

I think YABU as it could be her way of feeling integrated into her wider family; whilst I appreciate 9 months is not very long, she is obviously hopeful that this relationship between her dad and his gf will last. I think it’s great that she feels part of their family.

Not everyone gets married these days and sometimes there's a delay.

My daughter has halfsiblings and stepsiblings. She understands the differences but just calls them brothers and sisters.

I think in serious relationships using family terms in blended families is appropriate despite marital status.

I think you sound like you’re dealing with a difficult situation really well, OP. I agree with previous posters that you should let the way she referred to the gf’s son slide - I used to refer to my cousins as siblings sometimes in front of people who didn’t know me well, just for the novelty of saying I had sisters! Teenagers are a bit strange - they like trying out different personalities and lives and giving themselves an air of intrigue. Totally fair enough to correct her on the way she refers to her actual brother.

You shouldn't be dictating these things to her. She's at an age where she's choosing her place in the world. Your son is her half brother, you were wrong to tell her not to call him that. You're projecting your relationship with them both onto her.
If she feels as though the other children are her siblings then that's her choice.

You dont get to tell her how to feel about people.

I think at 13 she can make her own mind up.

I wouldn’t say anything. I would let her figure out the relationship for herself.

If her dad’s relationship works out and he does indeed become her step brother, she will never forget that you said he wasn’t her brother.

Ask yourself what you hope to achieve by having that conversation?

Just read your update. I would mention that your biological son isn’t her half brother. Perhaps she doesn’t understand what a half brother is and meant she has one on either side of the family? But I would steer clear of conversations around ‘he is your real brother and the other one isn’t’. Those conversations won’t be forgotten.

I wouldn’t correct her calling your boyfriend her step dad either. It’s for her to sort out. She wants to feel that she belongs in both families? She will figure it out, I’d just give her space to do that. No, I wouldn’t correct.

I do appreciate how hard this is to do when your xh is such a monumental prick.

You are projecting far too many of your own feelings onto your poor daughter. At 13, and assuming no SEN, she absolutely knows what the correct relationships are, however if she feels comfortable referring to her Dad's GF DS in that way, leave her be. It's good that she feels an affinity with the family, and close to them.

Your older son IS technically her half brother, so you were wrong to correct her on that front.

My mother held (and still holds) a lot of bitterness about my monumental prick of a father. As a mother I have tried so hard to not let feelings like that cloud my children’s relationships with their fathers. Probably can’t get that across in a thread without a hell of a lot of navel gazing. So I’m going to bow out now before all of my own teenage angst resurfaces. DD is having a counselling session today and I need to be in a good place mentally when she she gets back home. Thank you for your input Mumsnetters.

I don't understand posters saying it's her choice who she refers to as a sibling. It's not. The truth is that dad's girlfriend's son isn't her sibling. It's not a question of opinion but one of fact. I'd correct it in my child too.