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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to ask my child that they don’t refer to their dad’s girlfriend’s child as their sibling

144 replies

Plumsforjam · 16/11/2020 22:51

Today I overheard my child say she had two brothers. As far as I’m concerned she has one - my biological child, the boy (now man) she’s known all her life and lived with until recently when he moved out to live independently. She is now saying she’s got two - the other being her dad’s girlfriend’s child. Her dad has been in a relationship for 9 months. AIBU in telling her it is wrong to say she has two brothers? I’m a step child myself BTW, my dad isn’t my biological dad and my brother and sister are my ‘half’ siblings but I would never refer to them as such. But 9 months is too soon in my opinion to be forming step families.

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 17/11/2020 09:16

How old is your son? If the age age is ten years plus then using "half brother" might be a way to explain the gap.

My brother is fourteen years older than me, and some people at school didn't even believe I had a brother. I only add "half" when it's relevant to explaining something, but really, he was more like a fun young uncle or cousin. He moved out to university when I was 4. And that's OK.

She's 13 and trying to work out the world. I'd let that one go to be honest. A half brother isn't automatically less loved. As it happens, I live close to my half brother and my full sister lives close to our half sister, so naturally there are much stronger relationships between the geographically close ones.

(I must admit I did make the most of describing family relationships to up the word count when I was doing languages...)

Phoenix21 · 17/11/2020 09:31

OP if you are still reading I just wanted to say that yes you are projecting but I understand and would probably do the same.

If there a chance that your DD is trying to open conversation with you in relation to her family structure and how she fits in?

Understandably, what you ‘heard’ and mentally responded to is based on your experiences, however maybe she was planning an ‘in’ to discuss families? After all she must have aunties/uncles in this dynamic and might be trying to make sense of it.

dottiedodah · 17/11/2020 09:33

I think she is wanting to relate to her Dads side of the family really.Its good that she gets on well with him .I would probably feel a bit sore as well ,but if she feels comfortable with it then why does it matter in the long run?

olivesnutsandcheese · 17/11/2020 09:45

If you make an issue out of it then she will really stick to her guns and potentially carve a bigger relationship with them than you are comfortable with.
Don't let her see it annoys you, for your own sake. Yanbu for finding it irritating

SingingInTheShithouse · 17/11/2020 18:25

Don't let her see it annoys you, for your own sake. Yanbu for finding it irritating

THIS🔝

I just spotted that she's referring to your DS as her half brother too. I absolutely get why you aren't happy with it, but trust me, she's 13 & at that age you don't let them see if something upsets you. Especially if they are dealing with any issues needing to see a counsellor for. They'll be hurt & angry & you are their safest place & therefor where they let rip with the anger. Show them any cracks & they will use it against you.

You can address it though. At this sort of age, I found relating a similar story to them about a chat you had with an online friend, about how upset they where about their kids doing this same thing. Open up a conversation about how sorry you feel for your friend, but wonder why her DC would do this & ask her why she thinks they might have done this. You might find it's something very literal in that if both boys have a different dad/mum to her, they ate literally half siblings. That'll give you an opportunity to say you agree & see why she thinks that, but it's not as simple & you can explain why

KarmaNoMore · 17/11/2020 19:31

This thread is starting to remind me a lot of the first time my boyfriend’s son called me “mum”... his brother immediately corrected him, his father laughed, and the poor child looked totally confused.

In all the excitement of asking for more pizza he didn’t even notice he had called me “mum”. It was just a slip of the tongue.

You may be reading far more into your DD’s comment than there is to it.

KarmaNoMore · 17/11/2020 19:42

On the other hand, DS (age 5 back then) wrote a card for exH’s new girlfriend, he started it with “Dear Mum”. My ExH who is a jerk made a massive fuss of it about how important she was becoming in DS’ life and how fantastic GF was, much better mother than me apparently, and obviously he told the world and his dog about it, he even put it in a letter he sent via his solicitor.

I don’t doubt the relationship I have with DS so jokingly said to him “I heard you wrote a postcard to Gabriella, is it true you called her mum?”

His response: Mum... do you realise how many letters her name has?

year5teacher · 17/11/2020 19:48

You have no say in how she sees him or refers to him. YABU. If she is uncomfortable and being made to refer to him as her brother then fine, but if she wants to call him that it’s none of your business.

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/11/2020 19:57

I'd be grateful that my DD liked the kid so much she thinks of him that way and keep my trap shut.

lyralalala · 17/11/2020 19:58

I think, for your DD's sake, you shouldn't police how she refers to her brother or her Dad's girlfriend's son.

Your son is her half brother. Yes, it might not be what you want her to call him, but if that's what she chooses in that moment that's up to her. At 13 she's probably finding her way with relationships, especially if she has lots of new ones forming with Dad's girlfriend's children.

We have a mix of half siblings and step siblings, as well as full siblings, in our house at at various points the older kids have either venhemently demanding the half/step wasn't used or have used it themselves. They all now consider themselves siblings with no caveat. That's their choice and they've got there.

It's something you can encourage, but not dictate imo.

Wildflower219 · 17/11/2020 20:21

I understand where your coming from I really do and it does sound a bit soon and these kids are not even your exs biological children but if your own DD feels ready to call them her step brothers then it is not for you or us to correct her she feels comfortable with it and let's face it it's alot easier than her telling her friends it's her dad's gfs kids she'l just say my brother. sometimes kids like to simplify things. She probably just gets on well with the other kids so calls them family as such. I understand this may be hurtful for you and yes her too if they break up but for now that hasn't happened and may not and if it ever did I am sure in a short while she would be okay she could still be friends with them outside of all this

1940s · 17/11/2020 20:22

It depends who she is telling, maybe she thinks it's 'cool' to have two brothers. If she's telling her headteacher for a school project for example it shows she's taking it quite seriously.

lyralalala · 17/11/2020 20:43

Also the impact of your DD if your ex splits up with his girlfriend and she loses contact with the children will be based on her feelings about them, not what she calls them.

MitziK · 17/11/2020 20:46

@Plumsforjam

Why do I care? Because I have experience of being a step child and how it made me feel as a child. Because I don’t want her to get hurt if the relationship fails and she never sees someone she considers to be family again. Because I think her father should be making her a priority in his life rather than prioritising a new relationship and blending a new family when it’s too soon.

None of that completely valid post will be any different if you dictate she only refers to the child as 'My Dad's Girlfriend's Kid', though.

SnackSizeRaisin · 17/11/2020 21:45

It's a bit weird that you object to her referring to her half brother as her half brother, when she is describing the relationship to someone else. He is not her full brother so why insist on her lying about this? If she is being rude about him or to him, that's a separate issue obviously.
You created two half siblings by having children with 2 different men, it was not inevitable. So it seems odd that you seem ashamed of their relationship.
As to how she refers to the new gf's son, she is probably just messing around with language. You could explain that he will never be her half brother but may one day become a step brother, if you feel strongly. But it sounds as though there are more important issues such as the lack of quality time with dad, and how she is feeling about the whole situation.

tara66 · 17/11/2020 22:04

Felt I had to look up exactly what a ''half brother'' is. It's a male person that has one parent in common with another person (male or female). So why does the OP tell daughter her (OP's) son is not her ''half brother''?

MitziK · 19/11/2020 21:11

@tara66

Or, as I was introduced to my older 'sister's' friends;

'this is Mitz, my half-sister-same-mother-different-father'.

This was news to 9 year old me.

Kind of answered why none of them had any particular interest in me, though.

KrisKringlesLeftNostril · 19/11/2020 21:47

Difficult because of her age. Is the gfs child close in age to her? Are they friends?
I would never consider my dad's gf kids as my step sisters/brothers, because I don't like them and they are quite a bit younger than me. If they were my age when growing up, and we got on well then maybe I would have done!

hellejuice91 · 20/11/2020 16:30

I think you are being unreasonable what you are comfortable with and what your daughter is comfortable with could be two very different things but as this is her relationship it is her choice how she defines it. I have four siblings 1 is my full sibling the other 3 are my half siblings but I call them all my brother or sister and would never use the term half. But I would equally respect anyone who did want to use the half. It just what feels right

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