AIBU - to ask my child that they don’t refer to their dad’s girlfriend’s child as their sibling

[Plumsforjam]

Today I overheard my child say she had two brothers. As far as I’m concerned she has one - my biological child, the boy (now man) she’s known all her life and lived with until recently when he moved out to live independently. She is now saying she’s got two - the other being her dad’s girlfriend’s child. Her dad has been in a relationship for 9 months. AIBU in telling her it is wrong to say she has two brothers? I’m a step child myself BTW, my dad isn’t my biological dad and my brother and sister are my ‘half’ siblings but I would never refer to them as such. But 9 months is too soon in my opinion to be forming step families.

I expect your DD is frightened of losing her dad to this new family, and is trying to blend in with the status quo.

This. She sounds confused. Don't create more waves by telling her she's in the wrong, she's obviously finding this difficult to negotiate.

You have told her it's hurtful to call her half brother anything other than "brother", so now she is over-correcting with the GF's kids. It sounds like she's trying her best to keep everyone happy.

I don't think you're making this about you at all OP. I think you have a genuine and understandable concern about the speed of which your ex has introduced the concept of a blended family to his daughter who is not only at an impressionable age, but also confused and possibly worried about feeling pushed out. You seem like the only one who's being sensible in all this, you sound like someone who's a bit pissed off having to pick up the pieces of your ex's actions. I get it.

Leave her to make her own decisions on this is what I'd say. My DC and step siblings all refer to reach other as brothers and sisters. I forget exactly when it began (it was years ago though, and reasonably early on), but it was their choice not ours.

Because I think her father should be making her a priority in his life rather than prioritising a new relationship and blending a new family when it’s too soon.

This is an issue with him, it was his decision - and one you can't control or change. Feeling negative about it achieves nothing so you have to find a way to accept it.

Picking your daughter up on some terminology won't help. If she hasn't been asked or told to label him that, then it's of her own volition and is nice she feels that way. Far far better than the alternative!

Blended families are hard but as long as she's comfortable, roll with it and support her in how she's choosing to define this new element of what family is.

So the crux of the problem is you @Plumsforjam

AIMD - I’m the only offspring of my biological parents. Both my parents went on to have more children with new spouses. I am NC with my bio dad not even Facebook friends. There’s a sense of rejection there for sure especially when he’s been there for my siblings to another mother. My ‘step’ dad has been there for me and loved me like his own, so I have that positive experience. But then, he has children from his first marriage he no longer sees. It can be a head fuck. My maternal siblings and me grew up in the same house I see them as my brother and sister. If they referred to me as a half sister I’d be upset. My children have different fathers but I see them as my children, brother and sister to each other. So yes I find the term half hurtful. I wouldn’t want to other a child by calling them half. Perhaps that makes me a hypocrite. But there are complexities to blended and step family’s that shouldn’t be taken lightly.

@Tavannach

She's right though - he is her brother through her father. Strictly speaking of course it's "half-brother" but that's not what she sees. They share a father, he's not some random, he's her brother. You mustn't project your own negative thoughts and experiences onto her.

The ex has only been with the girlfriend for 9 months so unless OP has failed to mention that the girlfriend immediately got pregnant, it's not the OP who's projecting here.

I can understand how you feel, but surely in someways it’s a positive thing, she is accepting him as part of her extended family.

So he's a half-brother? Regardless of whether her father is married or not.
I don't think there's anything wrong in her calling him brother. Seems quite nice that she has that level of attachment to him.

If you overheard her saying it to someone else, she may just not want to have to explain the full family situation (and "my dad's girlfriend's son" is a bit of a mouthful...)? Or she may just be trying it out to see how it feels and figuring out how their positions in this situation fit together? A old mate of mine used to refer to his dad's girlfriend's son as his brother as it stopped the bullies picking on him (the lad was a unit). Sounds like one to let play out.

As far as I’m concerned she has one - my biological child, the boy (now man) she’s known all her life and lived with until recently when he moved out to live independently.

Is she perhaps missing him and trying to replicate the relationship with a 'new' sibling?

Just to make it clear. He has one biological child - with me. The other children are his girlfriends. They don’t have children together.

I see your point but your daughter has so much explaining to do have siblings step siblings potentially full siblings in the future. She either has a fantasy of how she wants things to be or she just wants things to be simple, in either event its about her nit you. These things have a way of sorting themselves out over time but all these relationships have come into her life beyond her control let her control how she presents them

The thing is if she's calling him that then that is how she feels. Stopping her from calling them that doesn't actually change how she feels, it won't stop her bonding further with them so the name isn't the important thing.

@MiddlesexGirl

So he's a half-brother? Regardless of whether her father is married or not. I don't think there's anything wrong in her calling him brother. Seems quite nice that she has that level of attachment to him.

Nope, there's a half-brother (OP's son), and then her dad's new girlfriend has pre-existing children, who her dad is not the father of.

OP has no issue with her DD calling her half-brother her brother, the issue is her calling her dad's new girlfriend's children her brothers and sisters, after just a couple of months.

But yes, it is confusing.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Sounds like a typical (slightly dramatic) 13yo but YANBU. He's not her brother after 9 months. But you might get push back if you point this out - tread carefully and think about how to word it.

I have to say, as both a single mum and a teacher, why on earth people simply have to introduce their children to a new partner and their kids so very soon - and in many cases, move in together - baffles me. People jumping head first into blended families without a second thought for how the children might be affected is selfish AF. I've seen the damage this can do to a child's self esteem, and they won't say a thing because they have been made to feel it's not their place. but hey as long as dad and new GF are happy (or vice versa) then screw the kids

I absolutely agree with this. He (the dad) has been really irresponsible. I also wonder if he sees your daughter on his own? He should be doing so, and spending quality time alone with her, rather than just 'having her around' his new blended family. It sounds like she wants to be part of his new family, and there is a sadness to this I think.

YABU

Really don't see how this is a big deal. You can potentially remind her that they aren't actually related but you should also say if they have a good relationship and she considers him a brother that is fine too.

I think since it shows a positive relationship I'd just quietly let it be. It's good that she's happy with the situation, far better than refusing to acknowledge the other boy and nicer for him too as it's always difficult with blended families.

Just let her choose and stay out of it . It took me by surprise how swiftly my children started describing their step siblings as brother and sister (and vice versa) but I think part of it is that it is quicker to say, and part that actually it was their way of making it clear how close they were.

@Ohthatoldchestnut

If you overheard her saying it to someone else, she may just not want to have to explain the full family situation (and "my dad's girlfriend's son" is a bit of a mouthful...)? Or she may just be trying it out to see how it feels and figuring out how their positions in this situation fit together? A old mate of mine used to refer to his dad's girlfriend's son as his brother as it stopped the bullies picking on him (the lad was a unit). Sounds like one to let play out.

Yes true.

Surprised how many people think yabu. I think yanbu. If she were my child I would try and gently correct that. 9 months is too soon. If she believes this child is like a sibling and that child sees it differently or if the breakup and she never sees him again that may hurt her heart more if she has been thinking of him as a sibling. I would maybe say he is like a sibling but because u don't share a mum or dad he isnt a biological sibling. Followed up with a compliment such as it nice u think of him that way though. She is maybe saying it aloud to check u agree??? Bottom line is this child might be noone to her in 5 years, she cant be left thinking u agree that he is her brother. In 5 years time maybe they will share a sibling like bound but I agree its too quick.

TwentyViginti - I have said quite a few times got him that she should be having some alone time with him. He agrees with me and then doesn’t follow through. Last time we spoke about it he even said his girlfriend had suggested the the same thing. I said if he wouldn’t listen to me (who he probably sees as a meddling interfering ex) then he should listen to her as surely she would have his best interests at heart.

Ultimately even if you persuade her to stop calling him her brother, you won’t change her underlying feelings.

You’d do better trying to bolster her resilience and perhaps making her understand why you think this is too quick. I haven’t had a 13 year old yet - at 13 is she old enough for you to explain why you are nervous about her jumping into a sibling type relationship?

My partners primary aged kids refer to my teens as their step brothers and my teens find it weird that they tell people that and refer to them as their mums bfs kids. My partners kids were still quite young when we met though tbf. Your child obviously likes them OP.

@Plumsforjam

AIMD - I’m the only offspring of my biological parents. Both my parents went on to have more children with new spouses. I am NC with my bio dad not even Facebook friends. There’s a sense of rejection there for sure especially when he’s been there for my siblings to another mother. My ‘step’ dad has been there for me and loved me like his own, so I have that positive experience. But then, he has children from his first marriage he no longer sees. It can be a head fuck. My maternal siblings and me grew up in the same house I see them as my brother and sister. If they referred to me as a half sister I’d be upset. My children have different fathers but I see them as my children, brother and sister to each other. So yes I find the term half hurtful. I wouldn’t want to other a child by calling them half. Perhaps that makes me a hypocrite. But there are complexities to blended and step family’s that shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Ok I can see you have a complicated history of blended families that probably affects how you feel about the current situation (which by the way does sound too fast too soon).

Surely though it’s her feeling that matter in this situation. If she is happy and has chosen to describe the child as half brother the surely that’s what matters? You can’t stop her using that term just because it makes you feel upset?