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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is stupid

134 replies

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:11

So NC here;
So me and DP have decided to split but can't work out how we would co parent
His idea is
Every other week, so I would have DS for a whole week and him the next! Ideally this might Work but he will be moving 4 hours away back to we're he was originally from(still in UK)
He doesn't drive which is why I think he suggested as less time for travel via trains
But my problem is
1 Routines DS is two
2 he is in nursery so I can work so would mean he wouldn't be attending EOW but I would still have to fork out childcare cost as he is refusing to do so
3 DS has a very close relationship with many of my family and we see my mum every week now in Parks as Covid but still every week without fail
He has only met Dx mother 3times in the past 2years
I am open to options but that seems so ridiculous and costly..
Is there any long distance co parents like to share some wisdom

Just to add he has threatened to take DS down there as he thinks it's a better for him as the people there arnt chavvy so I am scared just incase he does! I do all the parenting

OP posts:

gindinner · 16/11/2020 13:13

Why is he moving so far from his child?
I would stick with every other weekend, and he should pay travel costs.
If he doesn't want that, then he shouldn't move so far away

doctorhamster · 16/11/2020 13:16

His suggestion is ridiculous. What's his plan for when DS starts school? He won't be able to only attend every other week!

tashac89 · 16/11/2020 13:17

Your DS may only be 2 now but what happens when he starts school? It's not practical with him living that far away.

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:17

@gindinner
Because he doesn't like it in the area we're in (my hometown) and I assume so he has support from his family with housing etc!
I have suggested every weekend fri morn-sun eve but he's refusing to travel I said he collects from me I collect DS from him,

OP posts:

RolandSchitt · 16/11/2020 13:18

4 hours distance is too much to do one week each. It would clearly not work when your son is at school. If he wants to do 50/50 he cannot move that distance from where you're based now. He needs to realise that you need to come to a practical arrangement. Do you think he would be willing to do this, or might you need a third party to help set out the practicalities?

TokyoSushi · 16/11/2020 13:18

Agree, not only is it a ridiculous suggestion, but it's completely impossible when DS starts school.

Joswis · 16/11/2020 13:18

Possibly yes, BUT he'd have to pay the half of the childcare DS misses. Plus, YES, once at school, you would have DS on weekdays, he could have weekends

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:19

@tashac89 @doctorhamster that's what I said as he is settled in brilliant and come on loads already with attending nursery but when full time school hits. I do understand he wants to spend his time with DS but it's not practical

OP posts:

doctorhamster · 16/11/2020 13:19

Don't agree to him having every weekend op; when would you get quality time with ds? Every other weekend is reasonable, but he has to do the travelling.

Oysterbabe · 16/11/2020 13:20

It's a silly idea that would only work for a very short period of time, he'll be in school before you know it.

GreyishDays · 16/11/2020 13:21

I would think that if he chooses to move away then he will need to make more of the effort to see the child.

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:23

@doctorhamster

Don't agree to him having every weekend op; when would you get quality time with ds? Every other weekend is reasonable, but he has to do the travelling.

I never thought of this! I ofc want to encourage a relationship with DS and his dad but I diddnt see it from that perspective My mother has already stated that once he moves visit will get cancelled and less frequently etc But I obviously need to think if it doesn't

OP posts:

flaviaritt · 16/11/2020 13:23

I wouldn’t agree to this. If he wants to move away that much, he can organise something that works for his son. It’s not unreasonable to expect you to do some travelling, but it is unreasonable to expect your son to live in two homes week by week and miss his education.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/11/2020 13:25

You can't make him pay childcare costs when your child is with you OP. Unfortunately for single parents (usually mums) work is seen as a choice. You will get maintenance but that's it. You can apply for government help but don't expect anything more than mandatory maintenance from DP.

Also his arrangement idea is stupid. Won't work with school. Some families end up with the dad getting school holidays if they live far away

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:26

@flaviaritt

I know I need to do some travelling I have already suggested this! But anytime I mention other options I'm "just trying to stop him from seeing his son" I've said you'll have to move local or in the middle so to say but he's point blanking refusing saying he hates the area he wants out ASAP etc he's also tried saying courts would agree with him! Which I know they wouldn't as it's not in the best interest for DS and how am I ment to work and him he works mon--Friday?So would be pointless anyway

OP posts:

ChristmasReindeer · 16/11/2020 13:27

Hea wither extraordinarily dim or he's purposefully coming up with unworkable arrangements so you refuse and he can do the 'oh I love my child, I wanted to see them but my crazy ex said no to me when I asked'.

As others have said;
Don't do all the travel
Don't let him have every weekend

If he doesn't have 50/50 contact still apply for maintenance despite his likely sob story of not being able to afford it because of travel.

Keep everything he texts/emails.

justanotherneighinparadise · 16/11/2020 13:27

No. You need to start with an arrangement you feel comfortable with and go from there. Do you think he’s trying for 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance?

lioncitygirl · 16/11/2020 13:27

No that’s insane. The poor child will be travelling so much - he is not a bloody stuffed toy. Your ex is an idiot and presumably wants to move so he can get help with him. What happens when he starts school? How will you decide where he lives? The cynic in me would think you soon to be ex is going to try and sway your child’s decision when he’s older.

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:27

@TeachesOfPeaches

Also his arrangement idea is stupid. Won't work with school. Some families end up with the dad getting school holidays if they live far away

I'm not expecting him to pay childcare cost I'm saying if DS attends one week off one week in I will still have to pay for both weeks regardless if he went or not as that's policy's so would he pay for the week he had him, to which is why I suggested weekends only

OP posts:

ChristmasReindeer · 16/11/2020 13:28

*he's either

flaviaritt · 16/11/2020 13:28

In that case just let him keep saying what he likes and tell him to take you to court.

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:33

@lioncitygirl

That's what I mean I don't want to put DS through it all as it would be to much for an adult to do never mind a two year old who can't sit still. Obviously my argument is this is DS home he's been here for two year (whole life loL) made relationships with many people and attempting nursery and currently under obs for development delay! And also with peeds for a problem so awaiting surgery etc so lots of appt in hospitals

OP posts:

Ugzbugz · 16/11/2020 13:33

My ex is 200 miles away, sees DC every other weekend but stays local to us so DC can do clubs etc and never pays maintenance, I've given up asking after so many years. He also has him some of the holidays. I do NOT do any travelling.

Do not offer anything, let him come to you although it sounds to me like it will fizzle out.

What does he say when you say about schools? Does he have a new job in the area hes moving back to?

It's the most stupid suggestion ever when nursery school is imminent.

Original poster

hello20201 · 16/11/2020 13:35

@justanotherneighinparadise

No. You need to start with an arrangement you feel comfortable with and go from there. Do you think he’s trying for 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance?

Ohh 1000% while I obvs want them to have a relationship he had threatened in the past to go cash in hand to avoid CMS Sorry don't mean to drip feed. It only occurred to me when I seen this x

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 16/11/2020 13:36

My ex and I live a similar distance apart. He sees them eow. Since Covid, they have been travelling as he can't stay with family nearby which was the plan before and worked quite well. They hate it, are tired and ratty for school and miss out on stuff. It is not feasible on any level to do 50/50 and even eow at that distance is tough on the kids. I'm sorry I can't really suggest a solution but don't agree to 50/50 or regular travelling for your DS. It's too far. Mine are a older but it's a ballache. It's only really workable if the nrp travels and stays somewhere.

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