To think this is stupid

[hello20201]

So NC here;
So me and DP have decided to split but can't work out how we would co parent
His idea is
Every other week, so I would have DS for a whole week and him the next! Ideally this might Work but he will be moving 4 hours away back to we're he was originally from(still in UK)
He doesn't drive which is why I think he suggested as less time for travel via trains
But my problem is
1 Routines DS is two
2 he is in nursery so I can work so would mean he wouldn't be attending EOW but I would still have to fork out childcare cost as he is refusing to do so
3 DS has a very close relationship with many of my family and we see my mum every week now in Parks as Covid but still every week without fail
He has only met Dx mother 3times in the past 2years
I am open to options but that seems so ridiculous and costly..
Is there any long distance co parents like to share some wisdom

Just to add he has threatened to take DS down there as he thinks it's a better for him as the people there arnt chavvy so I am scared just incase he does! I do all the parenting

@Unsure33

he has moved 4 hours away and he does not drive???!!!

You cant expect a young child to be on public transport with either of you for hours on end

If he takes you to court they will put the child first - end of - and his ideas are just crazy to be honest - take the financial view out of it - think of your child and you have the answer . settled at nursery , you have friends and a support network , too young to travel for hours at a time .

I wish he could see how crazy his ideas are! He isn't seeing past! Like others have said I think it's down to the courts to decide' I was worried at first that they might go in his favour! He drummed it into my head that I would be stopping him from DS but now I feel confident that they would take my side and put DS first

@Zilla1

Please ignore the 'chavvy area' reasoning as if it wasn't that, it would be something else. Do try and get him to articulate that in writing so the mediator/court can see his reasonableness. On the face of it, moving closer to family seems reasonable and some mothers do to access support though the logisitics/child's best iterestss/mechanics for school remain important.

Was he always unreasonable when he didn't get his own way or is this just a reaction to the break-up?

Good luck.

Oh I know it's just a tactics as it's been fine for DS to live for the past two years! He has been but I've managed to talk round stupid ideas before and he's forgotten but more as we was together so. But now he's getting very bitter as it was my decision to split!

@Zilla1 also that's why I kind of understood why he wanted to move back to his home town to get support from his family! As I already have that here! But he's not just moving away he s moving away from his son! Which he doesn't understand that side

The courts will generally place the child's interests first, balancing each parent having contact with the mechanics of day to day life.

He might initially think he can use the courts to control you and it probably will be unpleasant and time-consuming though he may hate the lack of control. Don't be surprised if he tries to stop mediation then the courts. If you can, you might welcome using a solicitor (who are generally obliged to take a mediating approach) to insulate you a little. Don't offer to let him off child support/CMS in return for him agreeing EoW. You reasonable position should probably be EoW, he facilitates transport and you get CMS for pro-rata 12/14 nights if he has EoW and let your solicitor manage any negotiations. Good luck.

@Zilla1

The courts will generally place the child's interests first, balancing each parent having contact with the mechanics of day to day life.

He might initially think he can use the courts to control you and it probably will be unpleasant and time-consuming though he may hate the lack of control. Don't be surprised if he tries to stop mediation then the courts. If you can, you might welcome using a solicitor (who are generally obliged to take a mediating approach) to insulate you a little. Don't offer to let him off child support/CMS in return for him agreeing EoW. You reasonable position should probably be EoW, he facilitates transport and you get CMS for pro-rata 12/14 nights if he has EoW and let your solicitor manage any negotiations. Good luck.

Oh I won't he will be paying for his son! I feel like this is why he wants it 50/50, Do you me every other weekend or week?

@Zilla1 and I want DS needs to be put first that's why I posted here to see if IWBU as he led me to believe if the courts see that he has him every other week then so be it! I would have to sort out childcare et, but I now see that courts would not go in his favour for that option which is good but we obviously need to outsider help (court/solicitor) to sort out arrangement as we won't be able to come to one on our own!

His idea is absolutely bonkers. Is he always this stupid? Do you drive?
If he’s moving 4 hours away he needs to pay the cost of travelling, but as he doesn’t drive I’m angling towards he’s expecting you to do the work.
I’d contact a solicitor ASAP to get something in place.

I cannot get over him saying he’d register him for school where he lives. Does he genuinely think your son could be a pupil at two different schools at the same time?

Also, in his crazy alternate weeks scenario did he say who he planned to have looking after DS while he worked?

All his comments about your area being “chavvy” and suggesting that a Court might actually declare which part of the U.K. was best for your son to live in- he sounds very nasty and bitter. Can I ask if both locations are in the same U.K. country (eg Scotland/Wales/England/NI)?

Please also think about getting a residency order - an official document that says DS lives with you. Then if he takes him, the police have the powers to return him.

You could go to the solicitor for this purpose, get it sorted, then say calmly to him - you now get a solicitor as you are not happy with what I have offered (every other weekend, he has to be responsible for travelling as he moves).

Go to CMS. All the Shit Dads threaten to 'go cash in hand' - in reality, that is an absolute headache in terms of both then having to fly under the radar with tax and find someone who'll employ you, so it's usually an empty threat. If he's really that much of an awful parent that he would do that, then it's good to know that and you can get on with writing him out of your life.

@Longdistance

His idea is absolutely bonkers. Is he always this stupid? Do you drive? If he’s moving 4 hours away he needs to pay the cost of travelling, but as he doesn’t drive I’m angling towards he’s expecting you to do the work. I’d contact a solicitor ASAP to get something in place.

Yes he was always this stupid aha Yes I drive not currently as car is off the road but is planned to be back on by January we hadn't discussed that far as I was shooting down that idea or so I thought so it hadn't gone past that point! I assume he'd want me to come to him as he's a lazy shit and would play the I don't drive card.

@CheetasOnFajitas

I cannot get over him saying he’d register him for school where he lives. Does he genuinely think your son could be a pupil at two different schools at the same time?

Also, in his crazy alternate weeks scenario did he say who he planned to have looking after DS while he worked?

All his comments about your area being “chavvy” and suggesting that a Court might actually declare which part of the U.K. was best for your son to live in- he sounds very nasty and bitter. Can I ask if both locations are in the same U.K. country (eg Scotland/Wales/England/NI)?

He honestly has no clue when it comes to that sort of thing I'm the one who registered him in GPs and got everything in place with his "issues" I don't like to use that word but in terms of hospitals for his ears

Both England I don't want to say places as this would give me away!

OP, @YoniAndGuy is absolutely spot on. That post tells you everything you need to know.

I will add that there is no universe in which any kind of 50:50 court order would be granted when one parent has done all the childcare. In fact, your ex could well be seen as unfit to have any significant time with his child, given that he has not yet made a single suggestion that is in the child's interests.

I wanted to move onto a different country when I left XH, and to take the children with me to be near my family. However, the only right thing for the children was for me to be within easy reach of XH, and where schools and friends and familiarity were. So that's what I did, because any decent parent does what's best for their children.

He honestly has no clue when it comes to that sort of thing

But presumably he went to school himself at some point?!!

If you were asking if I agree with you then I do. I would say EoW. 50:50 might work if both parents were reasonable and lived close together. I'm grasping at straws - Does he have a sensible friend you could prime with some questions to help him think through the logistics in a non-confrontational way? Does he realise what he would be taking on in terms of child care for how many years? Lots of DFs take a confrontational approach but if he is lazy, he will need to realise the impact on his working life and personal life. Some DFs would prioritise their DC but if he's lazy, he might not.

Good luck.

A week away from my 2 year old would break me.

@SimoneLeBone

OP, *@YoniAndGuy* is absolutely spot on. That post tells you everything you need to know.

I will add that there is no universe in which any kind of 50:50 court order would be granted when one parent has done all the childcare. In fact, your ex could well be seen as unfit to have any significant time with his child, given that he has not yet made a single suggestion that is in the child's interests.

I wanted to move onto a different country when I left XH, and to take the children with me to be near my family. However, the only right thing for the children was for me to be within easy reach of XH, and where schools and friends and familiarity were. So that's what I did, because any decent parent does what's best for their children.

Yes I would never move DS away from him but im staying out he's moving away from me but making it seem that I'm being the unreasonable one which I know now that I'm not x

@Zilla1

If you were asking if I agree with you then I do. I would say EoW. 50:50 might work if both parents were reasonable and lived close together. I'm grasping at straws - Does he have a sensible friend you could prime with some questions to help him think through the logistics in a non-confrontational way? Does he realise what he would be taking on in terms of child care for how many years? Lots of DFs take a confrontational approach but if he is lazy, he will need to realise the impact on his working life and personal life. Some DFs would prioritise their DC but if he's lazy, he might not.

Good luck.

No I don't even think that would work as now he's got this idea in his head he's not budging I don't think he's thought it through one but I personally think it just came out and now I've not agreed he's sticking to it just to disagree

@Benjispruce2

A week away from my 2 year old would break me.

It would break me too!

@CheetasOnFajitas

He honestly has no clue when it comes to that sort of thing

But presumably he went to school himself at some point?!!

He did yes. But his ideas of the world arnt like a normal persoN tbh

I bet he's not looked not how much train tickets are. I bet a 4 hour train journey is £££

It sounds to me like (as well as possibly trying to get out of paying maintenance) he is trying to force you to move to the area he wants to be in. He must know that his suggestion would be unworkable and is probably expecting you to give it a try then realise how hard it makes things for you and your child. Or perhaps stick with it until your child starts school. At that point he'll probably tell you you've agreed to 50/50 so must stick to it- and the only real way to achieve that would be for you to move to the same town

He sounds like a controlling arse.

@Hesnotlocal

It sounds to me like (as well as possibly trying to get out of paying maintenance) he is trying to force you to move to the area he wants to be in. He must know that his suggestion would be unworkable and is probably expecting you to give it a try then realise how hard it makes things for you and your child. Or perhaps stick with it until your child starts school. At that point he'll probably tell you you've agreed to 50/50 so must stick to it- and the only real way to achieve that would be for you to move to the same town

He sounds like a controlling arse.

He asked to move down there in January which I refused as are relationship was on its arse and no way I was moving away from my support network, to somewhere new I don't know I understand I was being unreasonable there as he moved here for me but that was my worst nightmare (to move there) I gave him the option before being preg that if he wasn't happy here then go? But he choose to stay and have DS

@TicTacTwo

I bet he's not looked not how much train tickets are. I bet a 4 hour train journey is £££

He knows how much they cost as that's why he doesn't see his family often!

No way on this earth would I be driving for four hours to facilitate contact. My car would,be broken etc etc,,. I hate driving!

I wouldn’t waste a huge amount on mediation....your never going to agree.

Just go for residency.. I can’t imagine you would loose. He’s just trying to avoid paying for his child.

Once he has moved you need to stop contact for the reason you believe your child won't be returned (keep texts/WhatsApp as evidence) then let him go to court to get a child arrangements order which will be in your favour anyway. Only then will the police bring your child back to you.