To think this is stupid

[hello20201]

So NC here;
So me and DP have decided to split but can't work out how we would co parent
His idea is
Every other week, so I would have DS for a whole week and him the next! Ideally this might Work but he will be moving 4 hours away back to we're he was originally from(still in UK)
He doesn't drive which is why I think he suggested as less time for travel via trains
But my problem is
1 Routines DS is two
2 he is in nursery so I can work so would mean he wouldn't be attending EOW but I would still have to fork out childcare cost as he is refusing to do so
3 DS has a very close relationship with many of my family and we see my mum every week now in Parks as Covid but still every week without fail
He has only met Dx mother 3times in the past 2years
I am open to options but that seems so ridiculous and costly..
Is there any long distance co parents like to share some wisdom

Just to add he has threatened to take DS down there as he thinks it's a better for him as the people there arnt chavvy so I am scared just incase he does! I do all the parenting

This would be very disruptive to your DS missing things at nursery every other week let alone other relationships as you say. He has a choice to stay in the same town and see your DS more but if he chooses to move 4 hours away then it will have to be EOW and he will have to organise and pay for pick ups and drop offs himself.

@pinkksugarmouse

Does he have to move so far away? If he wants more regular contact then he needs to come up with a sensible suggestion.

Can't he stay with a friend or family member (his not yours of course) nearer to you over the weekend and take DS out in the daytime? Then have him some of the school holidays?

He has no one down here as he refused to make friends as there chavvy or says they don't talk to him in work etc

@MathsFiend

My worry at the moment would be the threat to keep DS in the new town. You should look at legal means to prevent this before it happens- other posters will have more experience of this to advise you how to go about it. But at the moment, he could keep DS and not return him and, as he has parental rights, the police wouldn’t return DS and you would have to go to court.

Agreed.

I would take the line right now and repeat it every.single.time he threatens or goes on about it.

'We clearly don't agree. Please engage a solicitor asap so that we can sort this properly. In the meantime, I've spoken to the GP and DS's health visitor about your threats to take him to a new location away from his primary carer and register him at a new practice, so please do not even try to do that as it will reflect very badly on you in court. It shows so clearly that you are not putting your child first that I hope you are not silly enough to try something like that.'

@YoniAndGuy

The courts will absolutely NOT agree with him, so tell him it's a shame that you can't agree so if he could just start the ball rolling with a solicitor, that would be great.

• Your child is TWO. No way would a court agree that one week on, one week off 400 miles apart is healthy. Because it isn't. Tremendously disruptive, really bad for settling at nursery, too long without seeing the primary carer... which is YOU. And totally unworkable when he starts school so what's the bloody point?!

• You're the primary carer. You just stick to the line. DS has always been cared for full-time by me. He's two. Any major disruption to that is not in his best interests. So, you simply say no, I don't agree to 50-50 until he is a bit older, and in the meantime a more flexible system where time alone with Dad is built up gradually. The ONLY barrier to this is your ex putting himself first and wanting to move so far away. So you keep putting it to him (through your solicitor) - DS should come first. His needs should come before your want to live 4 hours away. Why are his needs not coming first? Dog with a bone. He will not have an answer which satisfies the court as he is quite simply wanting your child to fit around him... and they don't like that.

• You can do all this without seeming obstructive. Yes absolutely you want your ex and DS to have a proper relationship. That cannot happen if he's 4 hours away without it being extremely detrimental to DS. You won't be separated from him a week on, week off, and you won't travel 8 hours every week to facilitate his choice of location.

• Maintenance! Put in a claim asap. Do you have proof of his threats by text?

One thing - a man like this will almost certainly partly be doing this to retain some control over you. He's not interested in his relationship with his son and thinking of him... if he was, he wouldn't even be suggesting moving this far. So be prepared, when he loses, or is told he has to do most of the travelling and fund it, he will probably not keep up with contact. Or, if you just pleasantly keep telling him that no, you don't agree, and because of his threats to take DS you sadly can't start contact until a court order is in place, so please could you get a solicitor as ap... he might well not bother, and spend his energy on telling everyone how you've stopped him seeing his son.

Thankyou so much for this advise and others who have said the same! I'm glad I'm not going crazy as I was starting to think am I stopping him from seeing his soN? I will get in contact with a solicitor ASAP, I was hoping not needing to go down this route and come do a dession amicable but apprently this won't be possible!

I do think it is a control thing as he even said to me why just the weekends so I can go out when he knows full well I work weekends

His suggestions are totally ridiculous and unworkable. DS cannot do 50% of his education at one school and 50% at the other! What a batshit idea.

The regular travelling of 4 hours would be too much as well, and unfair on DS.

I agree with pp , stop trying to solve the problem for him. It's up to him where he lives and it's up to him to come up with solution. You can be supportive but stop facilitating this twattery.
At least you know you've definitely made the right decision in splitting. He sounds like he's really hard work.

Your son has a potential developmental delay and has doctors appts coming up? Tell your dh to jog off and buy his I’m a shit dsd T-shirt. Or if you want to be more amicable
No, that’s a terrible solution for our child. It doesn’t work with his socialising at childcare, it’s too much travel, it’s too much discontinuity, it doesn’t help us work through potential developmental delays, in fact it makes it harder to work through with doctors appts, and I’ve done all his care (did I mention you’re a shit dad?) so you had better book mediation for them to tell you you’re a selfish twat as you won’t believe me. And you can move out, you can visit next weekend and see him.

Meant to add, get some legal advice quickly.

@MathsFiend

My worry at the moment would be the threat to keep DS in the new town. You should look at legal means to prevent this before it happens- other posters will have more experience of this to advise you how to go about it. But at the moment, he could keep DS and not return him and, as he has parental rights, the police wouldn’t return DS and you would have to go to court.

Yes that is my biggest worry too! I've seen so many story's where the father has done it and the mum has to wait for court so I'm going to get it all sorted this week! Can I ask will he get a letter or anything saying I'm putting in a recidency order or x

@timeisnotaline

Your son has a potential developmental delay and has doctors appts coming up? Tell your dh to jog off and buy his I’m a shit dsd T-shirt. Or if you want to be more amicable No, that’s a terrible solution for our child. It doesn’t work with his socialising at childcare, it’s too much travel, it’s too much discontinuity, it doesn’t help us work through potential developmental delays, in fact it makes it harder to work through with doctors appts, and I’ve done all his care (did I mention you’re a shit dad?) so you had better book mediation for them to tell you you’re a selfish twat as you won’t believe me. And you can move out, you can visit next weekend and see him.

That is what I've said as we're currently getting help from HV and nursery and peeds for his development delay Which they think is down to the problem he needs surgery in! (Has problem with ears he was premature born) so is an out patient at our hospital

I think mediation might be a good idea. An independent person telling him this isn’t feasible or in the child’s interest might get through to him.
I’d say no and avoid going back and forth arguing at the moment. You’re both going get get round up and it won’t go anywhere.
I’d also speak to a solicitor and look into getting a court order for child arrangements because of all these threats about registering him at a school down there. He’s off his rocker, a child can’t go to two schools!!

I can't believe your ex! Defo follow YoniandGuy advice.

I have a 1 year old, so a bit younger but i can't imagine making him travel 4 hours away every week. Your ex sounds very selfish.

He’s insane.
You definitely need good legal advice ASAP!

Yeh I think that's my best option to have a complete stranger look and tell him he's crazy! I have told him I'm doing what's best for our DS and would never stop him from seeing him! And he's always thrown about in the relationship that it's his son too! Which he would use for absurd situations (ive never said to him my son) what pushed me to split was I asked him to get deserts for DS and he gave him grapes not cut up so I was like you need to cut them(all in a calm manner and he got angry saying he his son too and can make decisions for him the way he wanted too not just me but obv I was like that's a complete chocking hazard and he just thought I was trying to be little his parering skills

So if he moves four hours away and he doesn't drive, you will spend EVERY weekend driving. Four hours there and four hours back to drop your child off and then the same again to collect them on Sunday. I don't think so! You want a life too!

I have 50/50 with dd but the court said this could only happen if ex moved closer. Even another town in the same county was seen as too far. A different country is completely unreasonable. How exhausted is yr child going to get?

I agree with pp. your ex is trying to stop contact and to blame you for not bending over backwards.

Mediation and court will look at what’s best for the child and not him. The fact he’s choosing to move 4 hours away just because he likes another area more won’t look fantastic either.
It might be expensive but if you feel he would actually register him at a school 4 hours away or not return him after contact etc, then it might be best to go the legal route to prevent bigger problems down the line.

he seems to be forgetting that child contact is for the benefit of the child, not the adult. So it is nothing to do with you stopping him seeing his child.
You ahve been open to your child seeing him, in a way that continues in the manner that the child is used to - so with you having done all the care and appointments etc til this point Im assuming he hasnt been looking after him alone for lengths of time - and the reason he wants to move so far away is because he would need his family (well, mum I expect) to stand in to look after your sone while he was at work all week.
In what way is that beneficial to YOUR CHILD.

tell him to take you to court andget all your ducks in a row,

its his choice to move so far away, it is his choice to not facilitate child contact

So he loves his son sooo much and yet he'll do everything possible to avoid paying maintenance for him?

Stick to your guns OP! Rather be a loving chav than a stupid, ignorant, uncaring knob! 😡

@GinNotGym19

Mediation and court will look at what’s best for the child and not him. The fact he’s choosing to move 4 hours away just because he likes another area more won’t look fantastic either. It might be expensive but if you feel he would actually register him at a school 4 hours away or not return him after contact etc, then it might be best to go the legal route to prevent bigger problems down the line.

This!

I agree there is no point in you telling him his idea is insane and unworkable, this definitely needs to come from a third party. I would get them involved asap.

I don’t actually think this is a terrible idea while he is preschool but obviously is impossible once he is at school. The childcare costs are a straw man as you would be paying them either way even if you followed your own suggestion so they aren’t actually an extra cost even if your DS only used the nursery every other week. It’s more the travel that is an issue - of course your exP should do half the travel with your ds, at a minimum, if not more, as he was the one who actually moved away.

@Nomnomarrgh

I have 50/50 with dd but the court said this could only happen if ex moved closer. Even another town in the same county was seen as too far. A different country is completely unreasonable. How exhausted is yr child going to get?

I agree with pp. your ex is trying to stop contact and to blame you for not bending over backwards.

See he seems to think that the courts look at which area is better for the child, I have stated no that's not how it works even if you was to move in to Buckingham palace they still wouldn't as this has been DS home for his life so that wouldn't be in his best interest

@NettleTea

he seems to be forgetting that child contact is for the benefit of the child, not the adult. So it is nothing to do with you stopping him seeing his child. You ahve been open to your child seeing him, in a way that continues in the manner that the child is used to - so with you having done all the care and appointments etc til this point Im assuming he hasnt been looking after him alone for lengths of time - and the reason he wants to move so far away is because he would need his family (well, mum I expect) to stand in to look after your sone while he was at work all week. In what way is that beneficial to YOUR CHILD.

tell him to take you to court andget all your ducks in a row,

its his choice to move so far away, it is his choice to not facilitate child contact

He has only ever looked after him for "short" periods while I work so 8 hours but I still get text while in work! What does he usually have for tea etc he was away for two months before we decided the split was the right path to take, and it was me sending him pictures of our days not him asking well he asked once or twice but was more asking me how I was or whatever

@notalwaysalondoner

I don’t actually think this is a terrible idea while he is preschool but obviously is impossible once he is at school. The childcare costs are a straw man as you would be paying them either way even if you followed your own suggestion so they aren’t actually an extra cost even if your DS only used the nursery every other week. It’s more the travel that is an issue - of course your exP should do half the travel with your ds, at a minimum, if not more, as he was the one who actually moved away.

Yes I still have to pay for the cost but he would be using them! So it's not a waste it's like essential paying for a sky service but not using it in your house I know that's a stupid compassing but if for instance he has him Ewerkend then I wouldn't send DS to nursery so I wouldn't have the cost full stop? I can find CHildcare for one day and his father has him the other two days