To think this is stupid

[hello20201]

So NC here;
So me and DP have decided to split but can't work out how we would co parent
His idea is
Every other week, so I would have DS for a whole week and him the next! Ideally this might Work but he will be moving 4 hours away back to we're he was originally from(still in UK)
He doesn't drive which is why I think he suggested as less time for travel via trains
But my problem is
1 Routines DS is two
2 he is in nursery so I can work so would mean he wouldn't be attending EOW but I would still have to fork out childcare cost as he is refusing to do so
3 DS has a very close relationship with many of my family and we see my mum every week now in Parks as Covid but still every week without fail
He has only met Dx mother 3times in the past 2years
I am open to options but that seems so ridiculous and costly..
Is there any long distance co parents like to share some wisdom

Just to add he has threatened to take DS down there as he thinks it's a better for him as the people there arnt chavvy so I am scared just incase he does! I do all the parenting

The way I see it, if he's choosing to move four hours away then that's his choice but he needs to realise that that will have consequences regarding seeing his son!
Only a selfish tit would think his suggestion is a good one, especially as your son has health issues.
Tell him to jog on and tell another joke

@londonscalling

So if he moves four hours away and he doesn't drive, you will spend EVERY weekend driving. Four hours there and four hours back to drop your child off and then the same again to collect them on Sunday. I don't think so! You want a life too!

Exactly. He needs to make his own transport arrangements.

@ohdearmymistake

I agree there is no point in you telling him his idea is insane and unworkable, this definitely needs to come from a third party. I would get them involved asap.

Yea I think your right just talking to wall! He won't take my points on as I'm being unreasonable because I'm not bowing down to his demands. I have been very understanding to him throughout as we have different parenting styles so have tried my hardest to take his ideas on bored but This one was just un realistic

@rainbowstardrops

The way I see it, if he's choosing to move four hours away then that's his choice but he needs to realise that that will have consequences regarding seeing his son! Only a selfish tit would think his suggestion is a good one, especially as your son has health issues. Tell him to jog on and tell another joke

He doesn't see it that way! He sees it as I'm stopping him from seeing his son! I have said to him it's your choice to move not mine! Obviously as and ex I don't want to be in the same planet as him hahah but we have a child together so we have to be adults and put him first and foremost so he has the best childhood he can minus the situation of his parents splitting but so he can grow being loved and cared for by two parents

My partner only lived a relatively short distance (30 mins drive) from his preschool child but still had to move closer to be awarded 50-50 by the courts (which he did and this is now the rhythm). There’s zero chance that your ex will be awarded 50-50 by a court on the basis of being on the other side of the country. EOW with 8 hours of travel for your little one seems crazy too. What is he proposing for holidays?

@Notcrackersyet

My partner only lived a relatively short distance (30 mins drive) from his preschool child but still had to move closer to be awarded 50-50 by the courts (which he did and this is now the rhythm). There’s zero chance that your ex will be awarded 50-50 by a court on the basis of being on the other side of the country. EOW with 8 hours of travel for your little one seems crazy too. What is he proposing for holidays?

Thankyou for your comment it's really reassuring to know that! we diddnt get a chance to discuss holidays as I was so thrown for his proposal for the weeks. I'd asume half the holidays each as that's pretty standard and we'd need to sort Xmas as it would have to be every other year. As he isn't local to do shared Xmas etc

50/50 with him moving 4 hours away is unsustainable and cruel on ds. Unsustainable because of cost and cruel because ds would spend insane amount of hours travelling.

If he is serious about 50/50, he'd look at places no more than 30 minutes away so he can do nursery/school pick up. You are very reasonable to offer to do 50% of the travelling.

My ex moved 3 hours away when we split and I had to say to him after a few months that it was unsustainable and he need to consider changing to less frequent contact for longer. The kids were travelling 3 hours on a Friday evening and 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon feeling travel sick and crap. He saw sense and moved about 45 minutes away which was much better. He sees the kids more and it's a journey that's reasonable to do.

Don't offer all weekends. Weekends are really important quality time - especially when they start school and it's probably when he'll want to hand out with extended family and later have sleepovers.

Tell him to take you to court. There's a pressure on women not to use the legal system as it feeds the man's story that the ex is preventing contact but his suggestion isn't reasonable. No court would order ds to spend whole weeks away from you. It's possible for one off summer holidays or Xmas but you wouldn't be outrageous suggesting 4/5 days at first and building up to a week.

From what I read on here, most families with 50/50 don't do whole weeks apart- they do a combination of 3/4 or 2/5 days which weekends alternating at each parent's house. Imagine never spending an weekend with a sibling in future (!!)

IMO if he's chosen to move so far away, he should have to do the majority of the travelling if he wants to see his son.

My solution would be to let him have one weekend a month, plus extended stays in school holidays (might as well get into the school timetable now, to be fair).

Tell him he's welcome to see his son more often, but he has to come to you to do that. Making the child travel for a total of 8 hours each time just isn't fair.

I've tried googling it so I can show ex that a court would not take his side if HE choose to move but all that's coming up is if I move with DS
So I've made an appointment with a solicitor for later this week I have booked a day of work so I can go without ex finding out don't want to spook him just yet. So I can get my ducks in a row so to speak I think this is the best way to do it (secretly I mean)

I am willing to compromise and I have to get used to sharing DS so to speak, it's just been nice to see that I'm not going crazy not being unreasonable to say his idea was batshit

@TicTacTwo

50/50 with him moving 4 hours away is unsustainable and cruel on ds. Unsustainable because of cost and cruel because ds would spend insane amount of hours travelling.

If he is serious about 50/50, he'd look at places no more than 30 minutes away so he can do nursery/school pick up. You are very reasonable to offer to do 50% of the travelling.

My ex moved 3 hours away when we split and I had to say to him after a few months that it was unsustainable and he need to consider changing to less frequent contact for longer. The kids were travelling 3 hours on a Friday evening and 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon feeling travel sick and crap. He saw sense and moved about 45 minutes away which was much better. He sees the kids more and it's a journey that's reasonable to do.

Don't offer all weekends. Weekends are really important quality time - especially when they start school and it's probably when he'll want to hand out with extended family and later have sleepovers.

Tell him to take you to court. There's a pressure on women not to use the legal system as it feeds the man's story that the ex is preventing contact but his suggestion isn't reasonable. No court would order ds to spend whole weeks away from you. It's possible for one off summer holidays or Xmas but you wouldn't be outrageous suggesting 4/5 days at first and building up to a week.

From what I read on here, most families with 50/50 don't do whole weeks apart- they do a combination of 3/4 or 2/5 days which weekends alternating at each parent's house. Imagine never spending an weekend with a sibling in future (!!)

See tbh I never thought of this when offering weekends. I just thought of him seeing DS regularly which is bad as I diddnt think how that might affect DS like you said travel sickness etc! He's a very restless boy and hates sitting still so hours on a train would be tournent for him! ESP as I can't explain to him as he won't understand Like I've said I've told him to move closer even a hour away from me you can get a train to which takes 45 mins but he's having none of it and insisting his idea is best! I've made an appointment for this week to speak to a solicitor and see what they suggest and I'm gonna go for mediation so he can be told by a professional outsider his idea won't work and would affect DS x

But anytime I mention other options I'm "just trying to stop him from seeing his son

The only person who is trying to stop seeing his son is him.

He is the one moving 400 miles away

He is the one who won’t pick him up when it is his turn to parent.

He is the one who doesn’t want to pay for his son

He needs to either move away and realise that if he wants to see his son then he is going to have pay CM and to put in the effort and pick him his Ds up and then he gets to see him EOW. Or if he wants to co parent then he has to move to a place near to his Ds and he gets to see him more and he doesn’t have to pay CM.

It is his choice.

The courts will see his suggestion is ridiculous.

If my ex had stayed 3 hours away my kids would have probably ended up voting with their feet and staying once a month/half terms only .

You're doing the right thing seeking legal
advice and checking how to protect you and your ds (especially as you've mentioned the possibility of abduction)

Basically the second idea there is no way on this earth id let him take our son down there full time! And I am scared as I can see signs that he might not return him just by little remarks he's saying and obv he plainly said he would take him as in his mind it's better down there more opportunities for him etc! Which there's not there's the same amount down here

I'd be tempted to just nod and smile for now. Keep the peace till he's gone. Then tell him to take you to court. No way would I chance him taking him for a week on week off arrangement and risk him registering him for everything at the new place and refusing to return him.

But anytime I mention other options I'm "just trying to stop him from seeing his son

This is a classic stick that NRP uses to beat the RP with when they can't get their way. It's very popular with those parents who aren't used to putting in effort organising anything child related and benefitted from the other parent doing it all. You are clearly open minded and thinking about your son's best interests and it sounds like your ex needs a wake up call to realise that he can't have everything his way.

Use legal advice and the legal process to help you stay objective. Hopefully he'll do the same and realise that he can't have everything his way and needs to compromise.

OP - you are trying to work things out as best you can, I can see that. Your ex, unfortunately, wants to do things his way and if you're not careful, you'll get sucked into that and it will make your life miserable (which he knows, it's a way to control you). With the benefit of hindsight, I would do the following:

• cease all spoken contact. Just communicate via email/text and save everything. Open yourself a Word document, every time something is said or done, write in the date, write in the detail of who said what and save it. Just keep adding. You will forget the threats over time so let that be a reminder for you.
• he is threatening to remove your child from your care. Do not let your child go with him or you will have a court battle to get him back.
• arrange mediation.
• assuming mediation fails (it will), go to court. You need a court order because he is threatening to remove your child from your care and not return him. Don't assume things will improve - I've been at this for 12 years and regularly worry my children won't be returned. They are old enough to vote with their feet now but the game playing is never-ending and difficult to stomach. Don't be nice. He will take advantage.

-Whatever you do, you need to not play tit for tat and say anything to him that can be used against you. I would advise not communicating immediately but allow yourself to calm down to the extent you can think rationally before responding. If may help to get a friend or family member to read any texts/emails before you send them - but only if they can be trusted (my mum was so on my side, she was a nightmare!).

• You must not ignore any claims of poor parenting he throws at you but you must respond carefully and factually. If he says 'you took son out with no coat to the park in January', you simply respond 'I did not take son out to the park with no coat in January'. You don't need to justify who/what/where/why/when. He will lie. Just refute all the lies without saying 'you're a liar'.
• lodge the birth certificate and passport (if you have one - I advise getting one if you dont' have one) with someone you trust not to give it to him if he asks. He can get a copy of the birth certificate if he wishes. Do not hand over the passport for holidays without first seeing an itinerary and a return ticket with your child's name on.
• Keep your child out of and away from any discussions. Be cheery when you wave him off to the ex. Don't question him when he returns - although he may want to talk about it which is fine to do. Make a note in your Word document of anything he says which concerns you but be very careful not to put words in his mouth. When they're young, they want to please and will say what they think you want to hear - this can cause massive problems for both parents.

Is there a chance that he's saying all this knowing it won't work?

You know, so years later when your DS is bigger and questions why he didn't see much of his dad your ex can say that he "tried but mum just wouldn't agree. Mum got in the way of our relationship...".

I'm wondering if this is his plan to get away with actually doing as little parenting as possible knowing that you'll say no to this ridiculous suggesting and he doesn't have to take blame because it's all your fault.

Get a solicitor and pass it over to them. You won't be able to negotiate with him.

Not that it would be your fault of course!

Definitely go to mediation. If I was you I’d tell him that yes he can have 50/50 custody but he will be going to a nursery and then a school near you and he will be expected to drop off and pick up on ‘his’ days. You also won’t be travelling further than 30mins drive to pick him up as it is his choice to move away. If he moves, he sacrifices his relationship with his son and what kind of a shitty father even suggests that? Certainly not one I’d be encouraging my child to have a relationship with.

@Isthatitnow

OP - you are trying to work things out as best you can, I can see that. Your ex, unfortunately, wants to do things his way and if you're not careful, you'll get sucked into that and it will make your life miserable (which he knows, it's a way to control you). With the benefit of hindsight, I would do the following:

• cease all spoken contact. Just communicate via email/text and save everything. Open yourself a Word document, every time something is said or done, write in the date, write in the detail of who said what and save it. Just keep adding. You will forget the threats over time so let that be a reminder for you.
• he is threatening to remove your child from your care. Do not let your child go with him or you will have a court battle to get him back.
• arrange mediation.
• assuming mediation fails (it will), go to court. You need a court order because he is threatening to remove your child from your care and not return him. Don't assume things will improve - I've been at this for 12 years and regularly worry my children won't be returned. They are old enough to vote with their feet now but the game playing is never-ending and difficult to stomach. Don't be nice. He will take advantage.

-Whatever you do, you need to not play tit for tat and say anything to him that can be used against you. I would advise not communicating immediately but allow yourself to calm down to the extent you can think rationally before responding. If may help to get a friend or family member to read any texts/emails before you send them - but only if they can be trusted (my mum was so on my side, she was a nightmare!).

• You must not ignore any claims of poor parenting he throws at you but you must respond carefully and factually. If he says 'you took son out with no coat to the park in January', you simply respond 'I did not take son out to the park with no coat in January'. You don't need to justify who/what/where/why/when. He will lie. Just refute all the lies without saying 'you're a liar'.
• lodge the birth certificate and passport (if you have one - I advise getting one if you dont' have one) with someone you trust not to give it to him if he asks. He can get a copy of the birth certificate if he wishes. Do not hand over the passport for holidays without first seeing an itinerary and a return ticket with your child's name on.
• Keep your child out of and away from any discussions. Be cheery when you wave him off to the ex. Don't question him when he returns - although he may want to talk about it which is fine to do. Make a note in your Word document of anything he says which concerns you but be very careful not to put words in his mouth. When they're young, they want to please and will say what they think you want to hear - this can cause massive problems for both parents.

Thankyou I really am trying to do what's best for DS I grew up with a dad who diddnt care to much and diddt want that for DS I can't cut contact as he currently staying in spare room until he can sort out accommodation and travel and with Covid it's not as easy atm! But we're not speaking as it stands because of the argument we've had over this!

@MsIrrational

Is there a chance that he's saying all this knowing it won't work?

You know, so years later when your DS is bigger and questions why he didn't see much of his dad your ex can say that he "tried but mum just wouldn't agree. Mum got in the way of our relationship...".

I'm wondering if this is his plan to get away with actually doing as little parenting as possible knowing that you'll say no to this ridiculous suggesting and he doesn't have to take blame because it's all your fault.

I really think he is setting it up so I'm the bad guy in all of this! That id be taking him to court and he'll play it off as I'm stopping him etc!

And yes he already done this in relationship (little to no parenting) would always say I spend to much time with DS (like is that even possible) and to maybe go out on my own or to my DM or friends and when I do he goes oh what about DS are you taking him! Or it I went I have a works night out hed go aw is your DM having DS for the night? I'd be like well no you will be having him etc

@Trousersareoverrated

Definitely go to mediation. If I was you I’d tell him that yes he can have 50/50 custody but he will be going to a nursery and then a school near you and he will be expected to drop off and pick up on ‘his’ days. You also won’t be travelling further than 30mins drive to pick him up as it is his choice to move away. If he moves, he sacrifices his relationship with his son and what kind of a shitty father even suggests that? Certainly not one I’d be encouraging my child to have a relationship with.

Yeh I'm gonna go down the mediation route and see what they say! I am fairly confident after this thread that they will tell him he has to move closer to DS or little contact! Obviously I'd love to have my DS all to my self and not want to push a relationship but from experience it's either the child blames the mother as they don't see the behind the scenes or the fad looks like gods gift for having them 12days a year x

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. On the face of it, true 50:50 would appear fair (and he may like the idea as he may not have to pay anything) but it might be worth taking his thinking about logistics (you shouldn't do all deliveries and pick ups) and how things will work when school age. I suspect mediation and probably court may be necessary asap before the move starts and when the impracticality becomes clear and his intransigence likewise.

Good luck.

he has moved 4 hours away and he does not drive???!!!

You cant expect a young child to be on public transport with either of you for hours on end

If he takes you to court they will put the child first - end of - and his ideas are just crazy to be honest - take the financial view out of it - think of your child and you have the answer . settled at nursery , you have friends and a support network , too young to travel for hours at a time .

Please ignore the 'chavvy area' reasoning as if it wasn't that, it would be something else. Do try and get him to articulate that in writing so the mediator/court can see his reasonableness. On the face of it, moving closer to family seems reasonable and some mothers do to access support though the logisitics/child's best iterestss/mechanics for school remain important.

Was he always unreasonable when he didn't get his own way or is this just a reaction to the break-up?

Good luck.