To think this is stupid

[hello20201]

So NC here;
So me and DP have decided to split but can't work out how we would co parent
His idea is
Every other week, so I would have DS for a whole week and him the next! Ideally this might Work but he will be moving 4 hours away back to we're he was originally from(still in UK)
He doesn't drive which is why I think he suggested as less time for travel via trains
But my problem is
1 Routines DS is two
2 he is in nursery so I can work so would mean he wouldn't be attending EOW but I would still have to fork out childcare cost as he is refusing to do so
3 DS has a very close relationship with many of my family and we see my mum every week now in Parks as Covid but still every week without fail
He has only met Dx mother 3times in the past 2years
I am open to options but that seems so ridiculous and costly..
Is there any long distance co parents like to share some wisdom

Just to add he has threatened to take DS down there as he thinks it's a better for him as the people there arnt chavvy so I am scared just incase he does! I do all the parenting

@Ugzbugz

My ex is 200 miles away, sees DC every other weekend but stays local to us so DC can do clubs etc and never pays maintenance, I've given up asking after so many years. He also has him some of the holidays. I do NOT do any travelling.

Do not offer anything, let him come to you although it sounds to me like it will fizzle out.

What does he say when you say about schools? Does he have a new job in the area hes moving back to?

It's the most stupid suggestion ever when nursery school is imminent.

He brushes of my comment about school etc, saying he'll register him down there and I've brought up doctors dentist etc as he can't be registered in two GPS and he ignores my comment

He wants to move 4 hours away that's his problem, do not give up every weekend once Dc goes to school full time that's the only fun time you really get with them. 4 hours is also a ridiculous amount of travel time for such a small child. every other weekend is what i would offer, he picks up, he returns you're not the one moving across the country.

@HugeAckmansWife

My ex and I live a similar distance apart. He sees them eow. Since Covid, they have been travelling as he can't stay with family nearby which was the plan before and worked quite well. They hate it, are tired and ratty for school and miss out on stuff. It is not feasible on any level to do 50/50 and even eow at that distance is tough on the kids. I'm sorry I can't really suggest a solution but don't agree to 50/50 or regular travelling for your DS. It's too far. Mine are a older but it's a ballache. It's only really workable if the nrp travels and stays somewhere.

Thankyou dor your comment! See it's quite upsetting to think that's how he might feel later! He hasn't got any family or friends local to me which would mean either renting a house here which he won't do or BNB type I think I might suggest that! I just want an easy life for my DS which obvs won't happen now me and his dad have broken up but I want to make the transition as easy as possible but x is making that impossible

As it stands he is in the spare bedroom until he can sort accommodation out down there

I agree it's a daft idea of his. Unless there was no other option for him than moving so far away he has to suck it up and stay close if he wants to see his son. 50/50 care isnt always best for children. The stability of one home frequently works better. I dont see a court insisting on such a pattern and if hes tight enough to fiddle you out of maintenance he wont be arsed to try to go to court anyway.

@lurker69

He wants to move 4 hours away that's his problem, do not give up every weekend once Dc goes to school full time that's the only fun time you really get with them. 4 hours is also a ridiculous amount of travel time for such a small child. every other weekend is what i would offer, he picks up, he returns you're not the one moving across the country.

I've said that before and then out come the is of never thought you stop me from seeing my son, your stopping me from seeing him etc! Which I am not I'm trying to offer a reasonable solution! He doesn't see him moving as a problem as that's where he s from why would he stay here if we're not together! Not understanding that he's staying in the area to be a parent to his son!

I can't remember who asked but there's more jobs for him down there which I admit there arnt many in mine but He currently has a seasonal contract here

Stop trying to solve the problem for him, its his decision and you’ve said its because he hates the area rather than his work.

Not a court in the land is going to do one week on/off at that distance if your son is attending pre-school/school. Let him take you to court, I say!

When you asked about schools he said he'd register him where he's moving to? So he'd have him full time? Or he'd expect his child to do a week at school a and then a week at school b, learning slightly differently, having two lots of homework and no real friends?

He needs to not move 4 hours away.

My Dsis is in this situation with my DNephews and their Dad.

He has them every other weekend AND he does the travelling to and fro.

Having said all that, since March he hasn't had them once, his excuse being "Covid" despite the fact that they are allowed to travel between homes.

Fortunately DNephews are of the age to have him fully weighed up and don't give a toss.

@Qwertywerty3

This is madness. He’ll be starting school in 2 years, then what? It’s really unfair on a young child to force them to have two separate lives. Kids need consistency and they don’t need to spend 8 hours a week traveling.

If he wants to be a good father he shouldn’t move 4 hours away and expect to fulfill that role.

That's my argument is he doesn't have to move away! But he says he there's no way he's staying here!

He csnt be registered in two schools two doctors two dentists is he fucking crazy? Tell him you wish to go for mediation (get a witness for his batshit requests) you can't just go straight to court anyway 🙄

@Redwrecker

Stop trying to solve the problem for him, its his decision and you’ve said its because he hates the area rather than his work.

Not a court in the land is going to do one week on/off at that distance if your son is attending pre-school/school. Let him take you to court, I say!

Thankyou it's re assuring to know I'm not being unreasonable I knew it was a ridiculous idea but he was putting it in my head that I was stopping him from seeing his son if I diddnt agree to the idea

@ChristmasReindeer

When you asked about schools he said he'd register him where he's moving to? So he'd have him full time? Or he'd expect his child to do a week at school a and then a week at school b, learning slightly differently, having two lots of homework and no real friends?

Basically the second idea there is no way on this earth id let him take our son down there full time! And I am scared as I can see signs that he might not return him just by little remarks he's saying and obv he plainly said he would take him as in his mind it's better down there more opportunities for him etc! Which there's not there's the same amount down here

He is being ridiculous. Is he going to go to nursery while he has him? So between you you will be paying double on childcare to keep spaces open? What about school when it comes to it, doctor etc.

Go for mediation and he needs to grow up and realise that 4 hours away is an unworkable move.

I'd be telling him that if he wants to move so far away then he'll have have to settle for seeing DS during holidays or come back to visit the odd weekend.
DS would not be travelling for 4 hours- even every other weekend is too much. It's not fair on him.
His Dad comes to him. His life and all he knows are where he is now. He didn't ask for any of this.

As in my PP my former BIL tried that. My Dsis told him how it was going to be and he had to suck it up.

He chose to move.

Tough titties

@slipperywhensparticus

He csnt be registered in two schools two doctors two dentists is he fucking crazy? Tell him you wish to go for mediation (get a witness for his batshit requests) you can't just go straight to court anyway 🙄

What is mediation? Sorry I haven't really looked at the court route as I diddnt think it was needed at first I might find that I actually might have too! As he seems to think it's erelevent that the fact DS has spent his life here and has everything here (support nursery etc)

If he was a decent father, he wouldn't consider moving four hours away from his son. It's not like he's moving for a job or to provide care for his dying mother - he's moving because he "doesn't like it".

If he's going to move so far away then he needs to accept that he's severely limiting the amount of time he can spend with his son.

Based on your last reply about school, he doesn't have his child's best interests at heart, he's doing it because he wants you to be 'the reason' he doesn't see his child or he's trying to hurt you. Tell him to sort it out through the courts if he can't be sensible.

Does he have to move so far away? If he wants more regular contact then he needs to come up with a sensible suggestion.

Can't he stay with a friend or family member (his not yours of course) nearer to you over the weekend and take DS out in the daytime? Then have him some of the school holidays?

@vanillandhoney

If he was a decent father, he wouldn't consider moving four hours away from his son. It's not like he's moving for a job or to provide care for his dying mother - he's moving because he "doesn't like it".

If he's going to move so far away then he needs to accept that he's severely limiting the amount of time he can spend with his son.

Yes this I what I beilive I'd he truely wanted to be an active role in DS life he wouldn't move, obviously I've said what his argument which is ridiculous as his family don't bother to see him or DGS and have only met him three times in the last two years,

Seek legal action and advice there’s a order you can get where the child must be returned to you and he can’t keep him. Sounds like this is what you’re scared of so get it done.
Expecting your son to travel 8 hours a week each week to swap houses is beyond a joke.

The courts will absolutely NOT agree with him, so tell him it's a shame that you can't agree so if he could just start the ball rolling with a solicitor, that would be great.

• Your child is TWO. No way would a court agree that one week on, one week off 400 miles apart is healthy. Because it isn't. Tremendously disruptive, really bad for settling at nursery, too long without seeing the primary carer... which is YOU. And totally unworkable when he starts school so what's the bloody point?!

• You're the primary carer. You just stick to the line. DS has always been cared for full-time by me. He's two. Any major disruption to that is not in his best interests. So, you simply say no, I don't agree to 50-50 until he is a bit older, and in the meantime a more flexible system where time alone with Dad is built up gradually. The ONLY barrier to this is your ex putting himself first and wanting to move so far away. So you keep putting it to him (through your solicitor) - DS should come first. His needs should come before your want to live 4 hours away. Why are his needs not coming first? Dog with a bone. He will not have an answer which satisfies the court as he is quite simply wanting your child to fit around him... and they don't like that.

• You can do all this without seeming obstructive. Yes absolutely you want your ex and DS to have a proper relationship. That cannot happen if he's 4 hours away without it being extremely detrimental to DS. You won't be separated from him a week on, week off, and you won't travel 8 hours every week to facilitate his choice of location.

• Maintenance! Put in a claim asap. Do you have proof of his threats by text?

One thing - a man like this will almost certainly partly be doing this to retain some control over you. He's not interested in his relationship with his son and thinking of him... if he was, he wouldn't even be suggesting moving this far. So be prepared, when he loses, or is told he has to do most of the travelling and fund it, he will probably not keep up with contact. Or, if you just pleasantly keep telling him that no, you don't agree, and because of his threats to take DS you sadly can't start contact until a court order is in place, so please could you get a solicitor as ap... he might well not bother, and spend his energy on telling everyone how you've stopped him seeing his son.

My worry at the moment would be the threat to keep DS in the new town. You should look at legal means to prevent this before it happens- other posters will have more experience of this to advise you how to go about it. But at the moment, he could keep DS and not return him and, as he has parental rights, the police wouldn’t return DS and you would have to go to court.