to think any random jackass could be a better mother than me

[crappymummy]

I have namechanged for this post. I am not a troll. I don't expect any responses, I just want to vent.

I am looking back over my decision to have a child with some bitterness-I don't know what arrogance made me think that I could ever be a good mother. I feel like such a useless sack of crap.

My baby doesn't sleep well, wakes up many times in the night (sometimes hourly) and There seems to be nothing I can do about it. Tonight I reached a new low, as when I was trying to put her down and she cried, building up to screaming for about an hour and I lost it and I screamed too.

What kind of mother screams in front of a 5 month old?

I read today that babies whio don't sleep have impaired brain function and are slower to develop physically as all these crucial things occur during sleep. This just adds to my sense that I have f*cked her uop before her life has barely begun.

The sleep is just one of many other issues, I am screwing up big style on all fronts.

I feel so hopeless. What makes it worse is that I feel so alone - I know some other women with babies my child's age who seem to just be flying through it and doing a bang-up job. We meet for coffee weekly and it is hard to keep going as I can't bear the shame and lonliness of being the only person who struggles, but I need the social interaction.

I have no family here, I am from another country. My husband is v supportive but it is unfair to expect him to 'carry me' through this - lack of sleep affects him too.

Without sounding too melodramatic, I feel despair. I don't think this is PND, it is beyond that.

I realise that since this post is on AIBU it may get a lot of YABUs, and criticism/flaming. As I said I am not really looking for anything, just wanting to vent. None of you can make me feel worse than I do right now, or hate me more than I hate myself.

Elasticwoman, you speak such sense!

My new motto shall be: "I am the best mother my son has got!"

And how true that the only way to avoid mistakes at parenting is not to be a parent!

I know you probably feel like sht right now, but you're not a crppy mother. You're obviously upset and frustrated because you care, and that's the most important thing.

The sound of a crying baby can be tortuous. We've all been there, and it will get better. Even the most confident, and dare I say it smug mothers have bad days, or weeks.

I think you maybe need to speak to someone away from your coffee group. Have you tried your HV, or a friend or neighbour who perhaps has older children who could give you some perspective without making you feel their comparing your performance regarding ?motherhood?.

I feel for you, I really do. So ((((hugs)))) to you, if it helps!

I used to know some one who never lost an opportunity to put me down over the way I raised my dc. She was a mother with a very high flying full-time+ career, which together with her own pleasures, she frequently put before spending time with her only child. So I always felt, well maybe she's right and I should do it differently but at least I'm THERE and doing the best I can. Perhaps her child never had tantrums because she was hardly ever there to witness them.