to think any random jackass could be a better mother than me

[crappymummy]

I have namechanged for this post. I am not a troll. I don't expect any responses, I just want to vent.

I am looking back over my decision to have a child with some bitterness-I don't know what arrogance made me think that I could ever be a good mother. I feel like such a useless sack of crap.

My baby doesn't sleep well, wakes up many times in the night (sometimes hourly) and There seems to be nothing I can do about it. Tonight I reached a new low, as when I was trying to put her down and she cried, building up to screaming for about an hour and I lost it and I screamed too.

What kind of mother screams in front of a 5 month old?

I read today that babies whio don't sleep have impaired brain function and are slower to develop physically as all these crucial things occur during sleep. This just adds to my sense that I have f*cked her uop before her life has barely begun.

The sleep is just one of many other issues, I am screwing up big style on all fronts.

I feel so hopeless. What makes it worse is that I feel so alone - I know some other women with babies my child's age who seem to just be flying through it and doing a bang-up job. We meet for coffee weekly and it is hard to keep going as I can't bear the shame and lonliness of being the only person who struggles, but I need the social interaction.

I have no family here, I am from another country. My husband is v supportive but it is unfair to expect him to 'carry me' through this - lack of sleep affects him too.

Without sounding too melodramatic, I feel despair. I don't think this is PND, it is beyond that.

I realise that since this post is on AIBU it may get a lot of YABUs, and criticism/flaming. As I said I am not really looking for anything, just wanting to vent. None of you can make me feel worse than I do right now, or hate me more than I hate myself.

Morning CM, hope you got some rest. One thing I forgot to say last night was how (before children) no-one explains to you that you will one minute be overwhelmed with unconditional, never-ending love for your child, then half an hour later you can feel like you cannot stand them, 5 minutes later it's total love again. Even 3 years on these extremes of emotions never cease to amaze me - but hey, it's normal.

Keep talking x

just read your post CM and didnt want to leave without replying

You are definitely not crappy, if you were you wouldnt be posting at all worrying about your dd's development etc

keep talking to your dh and posting on here. and ignore everyone in rl who says everything is wonderful! I had a tough time when my dd was tiny (she screamed and screamed!) and I doubted my mothering skills ALL the time and lost it on numerous occasions but never said that to anyone! always told them everything was rosy and how wonderful we were coping!!

I'm sure your dh will want to help you and his baby, so please dont be afraid of asking him for help, they can be more helpful than we give them credit for sometimes!! yes he needs his sleep for work, but you also have more than a full time job looking after dd. maybe he could look after her for one night so u can get a full nights sleep? maybe a weekend night where he doesnt have to get up for work the next day?

sorry i cant be of more help, but you are not alone in feeling like this, we have all been there xx

Agree with all on here -I used to rock (sometimes with a DD in my arms!) back & forth saying

it's only a phase....it's only a phase...it's only a phase to calm myself down.

You are human, you are a mother-give yourself credit for getting through this far.You're doing a great job.

Hope you feel brighter soon, come & vent on here anytime!

ok,, CM - ive read the OP, you are NOT a bad mother. The sort of mother who screams in front of her five month old is one at hte end of her tether. Please go to the doctors, you are not well - i think you do INDEED have PND, and if you feel it is beyond that then you need some help and support honey, and you need it NOW. LAck of sleep is a real problem, my DD didnt sleep well either, and there is certainly nothing wrong with her brain function!! Please ignore what you read there as it is irrational, but you cannot see that because you are so low. Oh, poor you, i feel for you. I convinced myself for two years TWO YEARS that i didnt have PND, and ive been to hell and back, and im not quite back actually cos ive only just got help.

Do you have a HV, if she is any good she will be a good place to start for advice re sleeping. Once you can establish a sleep pattern then you are over one hurdle.

You deserve to enjoy your baby,. You ARE a good mother, and remember, you dont have to be perfect Hugs to you

Hey there crappymummy - you can't take my title of world's worst mother away from me! My ds is 1 year old. I haven't bonded with him at all. When he cries, even for 10 seconds, I have to just walk away and let my dh get on with it.
I can honestly say, that whilst I do love ds, I do wish we had never had him. Every day I think about leaving and one day I probably will.

theresmoretolife, have you spoken to anyone else about this? I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Why do you think this is, can you see a reason? Im not suggesting there even is one. BUT you owe it to yourself to get some help with this, you can enjoy being a mummy. There are times when god forgive me, i think, oh, life would have been so much easier.............
But i wouldnt be without my DD she is the light of my life and i thank god every day for her. I had a friend who felt exactly as you did, she got some help, in the form of prozac actually, she took it for six months, got better (im not suggesting you are ill) and is the best mother i know. ADORES her son

OMG - I am in tears reading this thread. I could have written the OP. My DS is nearly 5 months old and screams all the time. I am struggling massively. None of the other girls in my NCT group have babies like mine. I know they feel sorry for me. I truely feel at times like I can't handle it. I too have screamed. You are NOT a bad mother (but I know how easy it is to think that).

i think either lorayn or talulas mum - they are both fab crawl crawl creep creep - linked to cry-sis, do please look this up

hugs to you all

Screamed, slammed doors, sobbed and yelled when dd was tiny- she is now a well adjusted 3 yr old
I felt totaly depserate when she was born, i had pnd- big time. I imagnied all sorts of sceneraios involving dd being taken away, i also announced to my fiancee that we were getting her adopted.
At the time i imagined no one in the world, not a single person could possibly be coping as badly as me, and no one could know how i felt without hating me.
I took an age to admit to anyone what was going on, in the end dp tricked me into telling the health visitor by not telling me i had mascara streaks all the way down my cheecks from where i'd been crying.
You are not a failiur. You are new mum finding it tough. Visit Gp and keep talking here. We're listening and identifying!

Just signing in to say yep, been there too. Utterly.

Can I just say that if your children don't have SN, it does it does it DOES get better, it really does. I know this seems impossible to imagine now, but my daughters are now six and four and while I am more prone than most to despising my own parenting style I look at them and realise that something must have gone right because despite everything they are lovely and bright and yes, unharmed.

hi there seren. I bet your dog is a great help (seriously, i do - its part of the reason DP made me get my dog now!)

I too have screamed, thrown stuff over DP, smashed up my kitchen!

Being a mummy is HARD!

OK, from the other side, CP at 5mths both my DS's were sleeping through, I thought I was the dogs bllcks...cue 6mths and teething and then I was where you are!
It comes to us all, you are not a bad mum, you are a normal, stressed and worried mother who is trying to get by. Don't judge yourself by what others say (I'm sure if others were honest they may well be struggling too, people may appear to be breezing through motherhood, I bet you anything that they aren't).

Look after yourself

what would you go if 1 yr old was screaming in the night for an hour? Didn't want changing. Didn't want dummy. Didn't want milk. Dh kept picking him up so crying would stop, but started again as soon as he was put back down. I said to close door and let him get on with it. Dh didn't take my (lousy and very tired) advice!

Give them calpol . That's how I address Crying for No Good Reason.

moretolife, it sounds like you have a DH like mine - totally spoils his little princess, he is slowly starting to realise the whole rod for own back thing.

I don't believe that babies cry for no reason. But i do think they often cry after we have done everything we possibly can to settle them, and i wonder if then they are simply overtired. Don't beat yourself up over this, it must be so hard (what am i talking about, i KNOW it is so hard!). I can't really offer advice about the crying, i have a few suggestions but you probably heard it all before. I think you and your DH need to sit and have a strategy talk though. I don't like Controlled crying, but i haven't had a crying baby problem so its easy for me to say, BUT i wonder if you could really do with that. Do go and talk to someone, your HV will be able to fill you in on ideas. (take what advice you want, leave the stuff you don't) I think if you adopt an objective and practical approach it may help you.

The thing is, i dont think people realise just how much of a devestating effect children have on their lives, until they have them DD is my second child but my first i had when i was living with my parents, so all i had to do was look after her and no worry about anything else. Now DD2 is 2 and im still knackered nothing could have prepared me for how tough it is, and like you, i thought i was going to be the uber mummy - ive just learnt not to expect perfection, or anywhere near it

You are a good mum you know, you are asking for help and here is a good start - but you need practical help, promise me you will talk to your doctor. They wont think you are a bad mum either. I think your hormones are ruling you and ruining what should be a lovely time. Get some help and start to enjoy being a mummy.

Do you work? Do you think you might like to go back to work?

God this brings it all back......more than once I handed ds to dp on the way into the house as I stormed out of the house usually muttering 'adoption might not be a bad thing' under my breath and marched up the road tears pouring down my face like some mad woman.........That and shouting 'I don't know what you want' at a 3 month old.....
Be kind to yourself, you are not crap, you are just normal, normal and bl**dy knackered and, as my neighbour siad, its the hardest thing you'lll ever do!

I remember a thread a couple of months back that was about how hard it is to have young children - not babies specifically, but I think the whole 0-3 age range. Lots of posters with slightly older children - school-age and above, were saying that yes, it is the hardest time but it does get easier. Now I don't want to wish the time away with my two, but it sure cheered me up to know that things will get better! Got no idea what the thread was called though, wished I'd saved it to read in my darker moments...

I've read this now for the past hour and can so relate to your feelings. Besides the tiredness, the feeling of being completely alone is the hardest to overcome. As you can see, you are not alone. Don't know why it is, but there is a lot of pressure on the modern mother to be perfect. What a joke.
One thing that helped me tremendously is a deal that I made with my husband that at least once a week (usually the weekend), I could have two hours to myself. I usually slept, but as I started to feel better, I went for a walk, went down to a shop or actually emailed a friend. It helped. I also finally admitted to him that I wasn't coping and it was a liberating experience. Your husband sounds supportive so let him know what's up. Lastly, I agree with the rest - go see your GP or health visitor. Don't be afraid to be totally honest.
I am thinking of you. And my dear, you are not a crap mom!!

This post has brought tears to my eyes. Your concern and love for your dd are so evident you're SO not a crap Mum.

As many others have said I could've written this 7 months ago. dd is 13 months now and so happy but in those first few months of screaming, sleeplessness and the overwhelming isolation that comes from the belief that it's only you and your baby it's so hard to think rationally. I believed I was psychologically damaging dd that she was unhappy that I was worse than useless etc etc cos she wouldn't stop crying.

Hated my dh still think now we might be on the brink of divorce and only just recently stopped having horrible dark thoughts that I may have made a mistake. You're NOT damaging her and it's so unbeleiveably hard it consumes every bit of you.

NO ONE can empathise with the complete loss of identity and self that accompanies motherhood. Our society is crap for new mothers we have perfectioninsm forced uopn us and the whole nature of being a Mum in 21st Century Britain is so isolating, there's a complete lack of community support unlike in other less westernised societies.

There's also a horrible unhelpful and ridiculous competitiveness about this whole sleeping thru the night thing, every mum competes and vies with each other to get there first (not on here but in rl IMO). 5 months isn't too old to not be sleeping thru from some of the more honest and open Mums I've talked to it seems the norm. I know this doesn't make it anymore bearable in physical terms but I do beleive in emotional terms if we didn't get so hung up about it we'd be equally as tired but less stressed. this isn't from reading books it's from my own experience of getting so screwed up about the sleeping thru issues that I became consumed by it!

Agree with everyone else, GP or HV first port of call. And I'm sure all those other "perfect" NCT Mums aren't coping that well-not really!!

xx

You're not a crappy mum. A crappy mum wouldn't think she was crappy because she wouldn't give a shit. Lack of sleep has a tendency to make little things go wrong and to make those little things seem huge. Your dh is there to pick you up as I'm sure you pick him up when he needs. I totally get being lonely it's hard. Keep going to your mums clubs - I guarantee 90% of them are lying through they're teeth about how well they're doing. Make an appointment with your GP (or HV if she's any good) to see if you need any extra support. I do know how you feel about making lots of mistakes. To make you feel a bit better and maybe give you a smile. This week - dd2 is under the weather and not sleeping so the rest of the house isn't sleeping. DD1 and DD2 are fighting lots. I work 3 nights a week (until 2am so v tired) I have a pile of ironing up to the ceiling (really) which I can't get to doing. I hit a rabbit in my car on Monday, drove straight thru next doors fence on Wed. Set fire to half the kitchen last night and watched my daughter tip a glass of water on the lap top last night as I was too exhausted to stop her in time. I've fallen out with 2 people at work and have barely stopped crying all week as nothing seems to be going right. However I know this will all pass in time. My dd2 didn't sleep well as a baby and I can assure you she's perfectly fine now (aside from not sleeping this week) she's a happy active clever little so and so and I'm sure yours will be too. Chin up - lots of hugs xxx

It's good to know that lots of people have had similar feelings.
Ds has been well dosed up on Mediced. So much so that he may have build up a resistance!
Lucyellensmum, I went back to work f/t when ds was 3 months old. I mainly went to spend time away from him. I just havent got the patience for him and work is a welcome break! Sometimes I dread coming back home...

Couldn't agree with your post more, nurseyemma - it is so unnatural this being stuck on our own with a baby - no wonder people struggle. Add in the ridiculous competitive parenting and fear of "failing" our children and it's a wonder some women don't get PND frankly.

dont think your a bad mum at all think we all feel like screaming sometimes sleep deprevation is the worst thing in the world!and i think everyone thinks they are doing things all wrong at times maybe you should go to your gp in case it is pnd that has you so down

hey crappymummy.. I have been a dad for 4 years and am still convinced that my cat could do a better job...

.. I don't think you are alone

I think you are using the wrong criteria to judge your mothering. You are judging by results, and results don't necessarily reflect your input. If baby doesn't sleep well, it's a problem, but not necessarily one you've caused. If you can't solve that problem on your own, seek help. One source could be contacting a baby sleep counsellor (perhaps through NCT or other organisation).

This thread shows that nearly all of us have raised our voices at our children at some time or other. I know I have.

I never thought I'd be a good mother, but funnily enough I turn out to be the best one my children have got! They are stuck with me, for better or for worse.

The only way to avoid mistakes at parenting is not to be a parent.