to think any random jackass could be a better mother than me

[crappymummy]

I have namechanged for this post. I am not a troll. I don't expect any responses, I just want to vent.

I am looking back over my decision to have a child with some bitterness-I don't know what arrogance made me think that I could ever be a good mother. I feel like such a useless sack of crap.

My baby doesn't sleep well, wakes up many times in the night (sometimes hourly) and There seems to be nothing I can do about it. Tonight I reached a new low, as when I was trying to put her down and she cried, building up to screaming for about an hour and I lost it and I screamed too.

What kind of mother screams in front of a 5 month old?

I read today that babies whio don't sleep have impaired brain function and are slower to develop physically as all these crucial things occur during sleep. This just adds to my sense that I have f*cked her uop before her life has barely begun.

The sleep is just one of many other issues, I am screwing up big style on all fronts.

I feel so hopeless. What makes it worse is that I feel so alone - I know some other women with babies my child's age who seem to just be flying through it and doing a bang-up job. We meet for coffee weekly and it is hard to keep going as I can't bear the shame and lonliness of being the only person who struggles, but I need the social interaction.

I have no family here, I am from another country. My husband is v supportive but it is unfair to expect him to 'carry me' through this - lack of sleep affects him too.

Without sounding too melodramatic, I feel despair. I don't think this is PND, it is beyond that.

I realise that since this post is on AIBU it may get a lot of YABUs, and criticism/flaming. As I said I am not really looking for anything, just wanting to vent. None of you can make me feel worse than I do right now, or hate me more than I hate myself.

Not much else I can add other than my support! I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone has said. If I had a pound for every time I have screamed like a loon because I feel like Im not coping and I've done the sitting on the kitchen floor and crying.

You're a normal, exhausted, worried mum and as someone else said you can bet that all those friends that appear to be coping probably aren't!

Keep talking on here and see your GP asap

so sad and worried about you CM -not going to use your postname because it is not accurate. we are bombarded with media positive images of motherhood, as a calm serene period thta we intutively know what yto do...well truth is we are all human, i know i shouted at my newborn (sleep deprived, sore, scared) does not make me bad mummy, makes me normal regular mummy

please please try get a good sleep, long bath, decent meal, get your thoughts together. let someone take over for a day

please take care

be reassured no one is going to criticize you, we have all been three

big hugs

cm (how about ConcernedMummy as a name?). Are you around? Do you want to talk about any of the other aspects of motherhood you feel you aren't coping with (other than the tiredness). You're anonymous remember, so maybe it would do you good to get it off your chest.

I know that when I had my first baby, I felt as if I had changed into another person. I had wanted a baby for a very long time, and the reality of having a baby was so different to what I had imagined, that i too thought that i had made the wrong decision to have a baby. She would scream all day, and barely drink any milk. I was convinced that that I was the worst mother alive, especially as others (my dh, my mum etc) seemed to be so much better at handling it all, but I think it has so much to do with expectation. I thought I should be the best mum, have the perfect natural birth, breastfeed my baby, well I have'nt done, and am none of those things, but I know that despite sometimes feeling bored, angry and despairing, I love my children. It is very easy to feel crap and despairing in such a competitive society, and when there are constant stories in the news about the negative effects of just about everything, but you just need to have conviction that, you don't need to be perfect, just do the best you can, and don't beat yourself up.

cm; are you there? just tell us your ok.

Are you there CM? (agree about not using your posting name, it's NOT true). Hope you are feeling better. Your OP resonated with a lot of people, you are not alone in feeling like this.

Please remember that it will pass, although that can be hard to hear too when you are in the middle of it all.

Hope you are feeling a bit better.

Other people might appear to be 'doing a bang-up job' but we're all winging it!
And as for non-sleeping babies having impaired brain function - don't beat yourself with this stick! My daughter didn't sleep through until she was over 3 years old. I was so tired, I thought I would drop down dead! She's the brightest button in the box - well ahead in all spheres - npo impairment!
You're tired, you're hormonal (five months is still very early, really), you're feeling isolated. The feelings you're experiencing are very normal. But you need some friends and support around you. Try some mother and baby groups - share your feelings. As soon as one person admits they don't find it all plain-sailing, almost everyone comes out of the closet and admits their own feelings of self-doubt too.
Hang on in there! It DOES get better!

I could have written your entire post, too.

I have always felt beaten down by my friends who appear to cope effortlessly with their children, why is it that all the MNers I know will admit to how difficult it all is, and no-one else will? I honestly don't know, but I trust in MN as a result.

The truth, the real truth is that we all feel like this. And it's good that you have said it, and we have said it, and hopefully we can all feel better as a result. No-one tells you beforehand "this is the most appallingly hard job you will ever have to do". But it is. And we do it, and more to the point, we work as hard as we can to do it as well as we can.

I hate the fact that somehow this doesn't translate into real life and we all end up here, feeling like the lowest of the low because we are not 'coping' like the other people that we see. But we are here, and we are many, and I think we are righteous too. There's no pretending on MN. We just tell it the way it is.

Hopefully you can take comfort from this. You are a million miles away from being the only person feeling how you feel. We are 100% there with you. We don't hate you. We are you. xxx

CM where are you in the UK? Because one of us will be near and can give you lots of lovely support. Or can borrow a double buggy and walk your little one while you sleep. Seriously there are lots of lovely mums here that know exactly what you are going through, and can help you get through it. If you don't feel you can accept rl support right now just come on here and chat whenever you need someone to listen, we are all here for you. xxxxxxx

Hi CM (Refuse to type your username because you're not) - I could have cried reading your post as a mum who's just put her 2 and 4 year olds to bed amongst lots of shouting and tears (nearly all mine). Please don't think you're a crap parent, I had two good sleepers and still had/have days where I felt/feel like the worst parent in the world but have finally convinced myself that if I get it right most of the time I'm doing great.

Totally agree with hobnobfanatic, five months is still really early and I can guarantee that those mums at baby groups who seem to have it all under control - really are winging it - I know 'cos I was one of them and have only recently discovered that most of the other mums felt the same, we just didn't want to admit it!

Definitely second ScottishMummy about a long bath and getting someone else to take over for a while so you can sleep.

Really hope you're ok and you know where we all are if you need to chat.

thank you all for your words of support. I am down, but ok. My dh has come home and is taking over for me for the next while. I have had a good cry and some cocoa and I am now going to try to get some sleep.
Thanks for listening to my venting.

x x x

CM - where are u.i would be happy to help u out if i could.

practical tips to conserve time/energy/cheer up

internet supermarket - conserve time energy
i used after my baby, even let em carry it in.

takeaway food - no hassle cook, and wee treat too

glass of wine - unwind

girly dvd eg bridget jones,steel magnolia, notting hill..have a giggle

lots of chocolate - vitamin b12 and feel good endorphins

can someone take wee one for a walk, u sleep

online clinique/body shop/boots - wee treat to cheer u up

take care CM

omg you could be me writing this post.
I have a 5 month old dd who is a terrible sleepwer and has been since the early weeks..

Like you I am surrounded by mums whose babies sleep through/ feed well/ are not restless and screechy.

I feel I can't take dd2 anywhere as she is soo relentless, the sleep deprivation is awful and this is made worse by the fact that dp has started a nightshift job.. 5 nights a week 40 sodding hours and I am so mad at him.

I know what you are going through and you are doing well you really are> I too scream at dd2 from time to time, then I put her down safely then go outside for a good cry and 5 minutes stillness,

You must must must get some time to yourself even if it is half an hour uninterrupted peace in the bath. I've started to do this everyday and although I still feel shit I feel a bit more able to cope with it all.

Good luck.. you certainly have my sympathy!

CP you are not at all! You are a normal mother going through a tough time. Please try to realise that everyone goes through similar times and nobody does everything right.

My heart goes out to you and hopefully my story might help you realise you are not alone x

When my dd was 5 wks old I almost shook her, didn't, but definately handled her more roughly than I should. I had been up every hour night and day for weeks and was so desperately sleep deprived I nearly lost it. It culminated in me taking dd into the room where DH was sleeping saying 'take it, I can't do anything with it'. This was for her safety because I was worried I could hurt her. That was the start of PND and the guilt made it 10 times worse.

My dd is now 21mths, we have a brilliant relationship and she is thriving. I was not a bad mother, just desperate and sleep deprived. Please don't give up on yourself.

I will probably be slated for this but if you are desperate for sleep try Gina Ford, she helped my dd sleep through. Can you take it in turns with your dh to get up? Are you bf or ff?

yep, im just outside london too. if you need a break and live near me, come over. i'll hold the baby while you wash up

I screamed at my 5 month old. She was a horrible sleeper and I lost it wil her on a number of occasions during the night. Like you I felt terrible after doing it but just gave her extra cuddles during the day. I don't believe she remembered me shouting at her but the extra cuddles made me feel less guilty.

As for badly sleeping babies not developing as quickly... in my opinion and experiences it is the dopey and slow kids that sleep well all the time and the ones with active minds and curiosity that are up all night . At 5 months I think DD was up every 2 hours at night, at 6 months she was crawling so it didn't inhibit her physical development!

It is easy to feel utter dispair when faced with sleep deprevation and friends with 'easier' babies - I think lots of mums feel exactly the same as you do (and I did). It is made harder when you have no family around for support but you do have your husband and it is his job to carry you through this if he can. It helped me to find another mum with a crap sleeping baby to have a laugh and joke with about it. This wont go on forever although it might seem to for a while. Whatever happens you are not a bad mother, every time you get up to your child when they cry in the night you are proving that xx

cm-hope u are asleep and zzzzzz.remember this is a transient turbulent period, which wee one wont remember.don't be too hard on yourself
xx

Hi CM can I just re-iterate what everyone has said. You are not a bad Mum, you are a tired Mum with a baby who doesn't sleep.I too have had a bad sleeper. We spent 3 months with my DH looking after DC1 for and hour with me sleeping then I would have DC for an hour with DH sleeping and then it was his turn again.

That child is now in Year1 and is doing a lot of things way above his age. At the moment he is reading The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and thoroughly enjoying it. He reads anything up to a chapter at a time. We go over what he has read to make sure he has understand and if he has any questions. He was fascinated by children being evacuated so he spent time looking it up on the web. Now does that sound like a child with impaired brain function?

Just to also let you know that DC3 is a non sleeper and constant cryer and won't be put down as well and I screamed at him to shut the f* up yesterday because I was just so exhausted and was at the end of my tether. I am thinking of getting a sling to see if that helps.

Please take heart that you are not alone and keep posting and talking it does help.

Awww...I really don't think you are a crappymum at all....parenthood can be so difficult, and well, for what it's worth, I am really sure if I had ys first, I a) would have never had another child and he would be an only child not the youngest of 3, lol and b) I sure would have felt like a generally bad mum....now, I must admit, I do feel like a really rubbish mum a lot of the time, but when I get time to reflect I a) know that of course I had children that age before and coped much better which b) leads me to believe that this is not entirely down to my own failings, but more the dynamics between ys and myself, etc...

As for teh brain devellopement....I suppose the big question is how little is to little and what agegroup are we talking here....because, for what it's worth, consistent waking through the night is pretty normal for a young Baby and not just a newborn, but up to a year and even after, depending on the child....my es was my best sleeper, and slept through pretty early 9well, as long as he was in our bed he slept, lol) , but he has some learing difficulties, whereas my ms took longer to sleep through, and I think he is pretty bright and ys does seem bright enough too, and he took the longest with sleeping through....I know this is just anecdotal...but as I don't know which report you refer too....

oh god yes dd1 wasn't a terrific sleeper either and is now in yr 1 slowly ploughing her way through the first Harry Potter so no it dosen't affect brain development

Hope you had a good night's sleep, CM.

x

Morning Cm - hope you are well, thinking about you,stay online, keep talking, the MN arms are waiting to give u great big cuddle