To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

Do you have insurance?

Do your wedding guests have their own travel insurance?

if it is his closest family who can't attend, why not pay for them (if it is his parents)

Paying for 2 extra people is far cheaper than paying for 30 people's lost deposit.

I think that you have to go ahead with the plans as they are, possibly with the addition of a party at home afterwards.

If Covid means it’s cancelled then it’s out of your hands and I presume that insurance would cover all expenses. So no one is out of pocket.

I can’t work out from your posts what the person who wants to cancel actually wants to do? Have they suggested a clear alternative?

@Squiffany

Do you have insurance?

Do your wedding guests have their own travel insurance?

Travel Insurance doesn't cover eventualities such as the groom pulling out because his Mum doesn't want to fly out anymore or the wedding being cancelled altogether.

OP if you already have DC is it that you don't want to be pregnant at your wedding which is putting you off April 2022? What does your fiance think about postponing?

I think it is first worth imagining a scenario in which there were never any other guests. Would you still want to go or would you cut your losses on the deposit and get married here, on the grounds that your financial circumstances have changed? If you would go then the next step is to think about the best way of making that happen without upsetting those most affected by the changed circumstances - elderly / vulnerable relatives / people who have lost income...

A local ceremony in the UK for those who can't make it, followed by a blessing that is effectively a spiritual union, seems fair. Lots of people used to do this because not all religions had the facility to give a marriage legal status. It gives you your lovely get away. And it means you don't have to worry about refunding people or rearranging their holidays.

@Covidwedding

The issue with arguing that it has to go ahead because too many people will lose money and that transferring to different holidays isn't good enough is that I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit". It's hard because ultimately if the wedding goes ahead as planned it is correct that one person is technically missing out more than the other but really, we're all family and no one wants anyone to not be there, it's just the unfortunate reality.

He really doesn’t have the right to decide whether or not it’s nothing to other people to lose money. He was part of the choice in asking them to spend the money in the first place, and he doesn’t get to back out of that just because his family have let him down. Him being let down doesn’t make it ok to let other people down.

You have offered a compromise by having the really marriage ceremony here where everyone can attend, if that’s not good enough then you know you’re just dealing with stubborn selfishness.

Would he rather cancel the whole things and still have a decent sized wedding here? Because you really can’t lose other people’s money for them and then spend your own on anything other than the most basic of weddings, that would look awful.

I would have a registry office wedding in the UK. Then the person who is missing lots of family still gets their special day with their people around them. I wouldn't be completely devastated if lots of my side had missed my wedding but I would have been sad. And this way you will be married.

Then I would have a blessing overseas, or just have a nice holiday with family and friends. If it gets covid cancelled at the last minute then everyone gets refunded. People who have paid already will enjoy the trop even if they don't see a wedding. I'm sure they agreed because they fancied a Carribean holiday as much as a wedding.

You don't want to postpone until 2022 because you want to start trying for a baby?

Unless you're in your late 30's & worried that year will affect your chances of becoming pregnant I really do think you're being unreasonable there. Postponing would mean more can come and they don't lose money, yes?

If yes, that's the best plan for everyone, not just you.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's a big mess financially - so minimise the losses as much as you can for yourselves and others. Weddings can take place anywhere, can be done cheaply, whatever. You didn't know there would be a pandemic, but there is, so do what is really best for the future - that might not be what comes closest to your dream.

Definitely crack with April. The rather hysterical person saying they will NEVER get over some family not being there is ridiculous. They have chosen to pull out so it isnt a priority for them atm so shouldnt be for you (or your partner)

At worse, you go, have a great time and get married. At best (from your posts) covid means it is all cancelled and you all get your money back

Ideally they want to cancel, or postpone in the hope all of their family can attend next year. The other has concerns about this as it will definitely cost extra to change as holidays prices have gone up and there is a risk that those we delay for either still can't come, or feel obligated to come as we've postponed for their benefit and put themselves out financially in order to do so. It just seems a gamble when we could have a registry office thing here and go ahead out there meaning no one loses money and no one misses out on seeing us get married/a wedding. I can't think of a better compromise. I appreciate what some posters have said about being pissed off to pay all that money to attend for it to be a fake wedding, but most destination weddings are usually symbolic anyway and the couple make it legal back home either alone or with family so hopefully they wouldn't feel like that. There would still be a full wedding day out there, just not legally binding.

I think you will be seen as pandering to those that have backed out(for good reasons no doubt, but that isnt the point), and not putting those first that are keeping to the original plan.

A blessing when you come back is a better idea from a PP.

I'm not sure why you're trying to be cryptic, it's fairly obvious that you want to carry on with your wedding and will have your side of the family there whilst your partner wants to postpone because his family (siblings?) can't make it.

I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit"

I get the first bit, but not the second; frankly that's not very nice and even high earners don't want to lose money if it can be avoided

I'm sorry you're in this position at all, and even more sorry that it's causing friction between the two of you, but it seems you can only make a decision and then stick to it. Whatever happens you'll upset someone - weddings frequently do - but someone needs to take the lead here

@Covidwedding

We haven't reimbursed the people that have pulled out, no. It was ultimately their decision, they were consulted before booking and were up for it and we can't take responsibility for the pandemic, it isn't our fault. I appreciate this may not be popular on here but we have a mortgage and a child and my hours reduced to just 10 a week, we don't have money to spare for people who have changed their minds. I'm very against people losing their money because of us choosing to cancel, but if they chose to not proceed I really can't see what I can do. I have the guests that are still attending to worry about.

In which case don't be surprised if even more drop out last minute if it's just the deposit at stake - your wedding won't be anything like you planned so best just to bow out graciously now

I'd hate to spend all that money and effort expecting to celebrate with a family and friends only to find 2/3 of them aren't going the there anyway

You should go ahead as planned for the people who have paid for the holiday, and have a blessing at home afterwards for those who had to drop out.
Not destination but my niece has done/is doing this.
We were disappointed not to be at the wedding but it is what it is.
It was streamed and we linked up with other family members to watch as a remote congregation.
In some ways, it's nice to have a blessing/party booked for next year to look forward to although I can see it being postponed

If you aren't allowed to go in April because of Covid, will the cost be covered by insurance?

If you aren't allowed to go in April because of Covid, will the cost be covered by insurance?

You're at least the third person to have asked this, MumW, but I don't think OP has said?

I just hope to goodness a proper policy is in place ...

Ive not read through the thread sorry but have you booked directly with the resort or through a tour operator? If it's a tour operator this far in advance, you would be allowed to cancel at the loss of deposit and they would then refund the monies that have being paid to date.

I've stated many times in this thread that if Covid calls the wedding off everyone gets a full refund.

Well, twice, on counting back but it's there.

I would defer. Then I’d get married on the original date you had set, but do so at the registry office. The deferred wedding date can serve as a huge celebration/party/wedding blessing.

That way you get the best of both worlds - you’re married (which is the bit that’s actually important), you can go ahead and start trying for a baby, and you will still have the date set for a fantastic celebration.

how do the remaining guests feel attending the wedding overseas? Any change insurance would cover if they pull out? I couldn't imagine flying out to the Caribbean in 5 months time for a wedding.

Any chance you can call it off, take a loan and pay people back and have a registry wedding here? Tbh, I find destination weddings and such a swanky and self centred thing to do - most have some sort of issues. But I would be surprised if most if the guests would want to fly out there as soon as April. Have got not thought of scenarios where it could not go ahead (there are all sorts of reasons why one cannot travel overseas) and how to refund the guests? surely there must have been a plan B. what was that and can you put it in action?

Apologies, OP - like a fool I missed that bit (and I genuinely thought I'd read all your posts )

I've stated many times in this thread that if Covid calls the wedding off everyone gets a full refund.

Covid aside, if e.g. you would have been unfit to travel, what would happen then? How would you refund the guests?