To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

I'm not willing to call it off on my own back and take out a 20k loan to refund people. That would destroy us financially, put a complete stop to any thought of having more kids. That's more than 3 times my current salary. I am trying literally everything in order to not cost people money, but I cannot do that to myself either.

I'd have a register office wedding with two random witnesses asap and hope covid resulted in cancellation of the Caribbean trip.

If it isn't cancelled then I'd go there as planned for a holiday with loved ones without the wedding stress.

Your partner is being so incredibly selfish. I would be really disappointed in him.

Honestly OP, if my fiancé wanted to cancel our wedding completely because having his family at a big wedding was more important than actually being married, even when cancelling was going to have a huge negative effect on my family’s finances, I’d be reconsidering wether or not to get married at all.

@Pumkinseed

I've stated many times in this thread that if Covid calls the wedding off everyone gets a full refund.

Covid aside, if e.g. you would have been unfit to travel, what would happen then? How would you refund the guests?

If ever there had been an emergency and the wedding couldn't go ahead then we'd of deferred and covered the admin fees like we are thinking of doing here. The only issue is deferring pre-Covid wouldn't of cost much extra, with the current price hikes on 2022 holidays it will.

I am trying literally everything in order to not cost people money

lol, funny that with a destination wedding.

@Covidwedding

The issue with arguing that it has to go ahead because too many people will lose money and that transferring to different holidays isn't good enough is that I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit". It's hard because ultimately if the wedding goes ahead as planned it is correct that one person is technically missing out more than the other but really, we're all family and no one wants anyone to not be there, it's just the unfortunate reality.

Not to be awful, but if one side struggles for money and this type of holiday is a large expense for them ( as it is for many people) choosing a destination wedding so far away probably wasn’t a great choice from the beginning. Surely that person knew their family had less chance of being able to afford it?

Postpone until 2022 and maybe have a smaller do at home.
As for trying for a baby, either just go for it now and take the baby with you or wait until after the wedding??

It needs to go ahead for the sake of the guests money. It would be really unfair to cancel on them now.

The show must go on. Just do the registry office as well. No biggy.

But if you do get the chance to cancel for a full refund, definitely take that option. Good luck, I hope it works out for you

But if you do get the chance to cancel for a full refund, definitely take that option. Good luck, I hope it works out for you

oh, would that cover the guests too? than I would do that. no brainer.

I’m so sorry OP. What a rubbish and very stressful situation for you.

Which part of the Caribbean is it? Can Brits actually get in there right now?

I think it's a bit unfair to say he thinks that having his family there is more important than the wedding.

The wedding abroad would go ahead with all his fiances family around her but not his. I'd hate that personally. Both parties or none IMO.

Ideally they [He?] wants to cancel, or postpone in the hope all of their family can attend next year.

I think the best compromise here is to postpone. I would never insist my fiance gets married to me without their family there to see it and i would be very upset if he tried to do that to me.

I would either defer or go ahead and then have a blessing here afterwards.

I’ve gone to a few destination weddings that quite frankly I couldn’t afford but found the money to go because they were friends and I loved them dearly. We went to santorini to see two friends get married and it cost us an absolute fortune, around 3k but we saved, paid in instalments, cut back on stuff and managed it. If they’d turned around and cancelled (even if it happened in these times) I’d have been furious if I’m being totally honest. Even if they said to transfer it to a different holiday because we’d never fork that out for a holiday.
We’re a £400 per person kind of holiday people and that 3k could have been better spent, I think it would have soured the friendship.
30 people is a lot to disappoint and let down.

He really doesn’t have the right to decide whether or not it’s nothing to other people to lose money. He was part of the choice in asking them to spend the money in the first place, and he doesn’t get to back out of that just because his family have let him down. Him being let down doesn’t make it ok to let other people down

This ^

You can’t cancel on 30 people unless you can pay them back in full.

Telling them to transfer to another holiday doesn’t cut it, not everyone would of spent thousands on a holiday and may only be doing it because it’s a wedding.

If you can’t afford the 20k, which could possibly be a lot more depending if people have paid their full balance or more instalments then you can’t cancel.

Hi what a nightmare. In reality the chances of this going ahead are slim. April was peak of the peak this year so chances are we’ll be back there in 2021 and back in some form of travel lockdown. Vaccine or not it’s not going to sort everyone and it’s not global.

I would contact everyone individually and ask their position
Are they happy to travel

Have they paid the balance or deposit

Would they be able to transfer to another holiday

I would then crack on and get pregnant. We waited for our wedding but honestly it made little difference. I’d start that part of your life now. X

@NailsNeedDoing

Honestly OP, if my fiancé wanted to cancel our wedding completely because having his family at a big wedding was more important than actually being married, even when cancelling was going to have a huge negative effect on my family’s finances, I’d be reconsidering wether or not to get married at all.

That is true.

A marriage is about the marriage, not about a huge party.

If there’s one thing a pandemic should have taught us (if we didn’t already know it) it’s that none of us have any guarantee of being here in two years’ time, never mind two months. We also don’t know what is potentially right around the corner that could hugely impact on life as we know it.

Marriage is a legal contract between two people. It is just as meaningful whether one spends a shitload of money on it, or the very least possible. It’s also not about the party or the fripperies. That can all come later.

I wouldn’t be impressed if he was dead set against making it legal as soon as possible.

It’s also not your families fault that his can’t afford it and I’d be livid if it was cancelled because I wasn’t important enough for it to go ahead.

A lot of people are saying (including your fiancé?) 'oh, if it's cancelled' it'll all be fine. I really, really think that this is unlikely to happen and you have to make your decision on the assumption it won't. It would have been different if it had been last April - in the early days companies were cancelling things and giving full refunds, in the assumption this would be a relatively short-lived thing. From what I see, no one is doing this now. I had a holiday booked for October half term which I stupidly did in April, thinking 'oh, either it'll be ok by then or it'll be cancelled and I'll get my money back like people are now'. That isn't what happened. Instead going was technically an option, but such a shit one that we didn't seriously consider it - quarantine on return, the country we were going to has a 6pm curfew, etc. But none of that is a cancellation, it's just things that make us 'disinclined to travel' as an insurance company would put it, which is not a reason to get your money back. A Caribbean island and a hotel that are the sort of place where people get married for destination weddings are almost certainly suffering hugely from lost business at the moment. They're not going to turn around and ban tourists/cancel your wedding unless they are absolutely forced to - they'll give you shit options, like paying huge amounts for private tests and then not letting all your guests be in one space, instead. I think if you go ahead for April it has to be in the knowledge that cancellation is highly unlikely but restrictions that make the wedding nothing like you wanted and that might put extra costs on guests are likely.

They don't have to chose between cancel or do it though. They can postpone.

The reason OP doesn't want to do that is the trying for a baby at a certain time.

How much will it cost to defer?

@Laiste

They don't have to chose between cancel or do it though. They can postpone.

The reason OP doesn't want to do that is the trying for a baby at a certain time.

I feel people are clinging onto that when I gave other key reasons postponing is an issue. That the admin fee is manageable but the holidays cost difference needs to be paid, at the moment we have searched multiples dates over multiple months in 2022 and can't find anything near what we are currently paying. So every guest would need to find more money. Even in that time we couldn't save up the extra for every person. That is an issue. Postponing for a select few guests to be able to attend could go sour if they A. Still can't afford it and we postponed and cost it everyone else money for no reason. B. Couldn't technically afford it but felt obligated so took out debt in order to do so.

Yes part of it is that we had a plan to try for our second child and it would be a shame to delay that but that's not the deciding factor.

I'd keep the 2021 booking as it's highly likely it would be cancelled due to travel restrictions and everyone gets a full refund. If not cancelled, go and get married in the Caribbean and have a blessing in the U.K.

Don't postpone as it's pushing the issue down the river and we're going to be in a chasm of recession by 2022

Don't cancel as everyone loses a lot of money which you've said you can't pay back

I’d postpone and pay the admin fees needed for all or cancel and pay everyone back even if it took some years. Your decision to put the costs on the guests so if the company won’t reimburse then you need too.

I am trying literally everything in order to not cost people money

Yet you choose a destination wedding to a far flung place and expected everyone to fork out to attend

I don't think that travel won't be normal by April next year. My honeymoon is booked for March next year and, I'm already working to move it (for the second bloody time)

If I were you I would defer to 2022. I work in the wedding industry and I have a lot of clients now starting to consider this.