To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

Firstly, I married abroad. I also paid for all our wedding parties accommodation , they just needed flights.

Our wedding was legal.

I think you're naive to think 'most weddings abroad aren't real'. Some aren't (spain and France come to mind). But most are.

I don't think you have a choice but go ahead as planned, don't amend it at all. That's not fair on the guests that are sticking with it.

Oh and as for whether or not it is a ‘real’ wedding, I’ve been to U.K. weddings where the civil part has been done elsewhere. Yes it’s the most significant part of a wedding but ffs these are unusual times and I doubt most people would even notice if you didn’t sign the register there and then.

I don’t know what the answers are here but you can only deal with the situation as it is now and explore options, not focus on whether or what you should have done before.

I'd go for option one. There is nothing fake about a registry office wedding. MARRIAGE is the important thing, not the wedding.

If you marry in UK then every one who REALLY wasnted to got to the Caribbean ceremnony could still go (including you) . But I'm pretty sure you'd find a whole lot more invited guests would heave a sigh of relief and cancel their trip.

Can you tell us any more about the circs. surrounding your DPs side pulling out? Who isn't coming now? What percentage? Is it his parents?

I know that info. doesn't change the choices you have, but i do feel that if i were in your DPs shoes and it was my parents who couldn't make the destination bit then i wouldn't want that bit to be the legal marriage. I would feel better if it were the symbolic occasion and then get actually married in front of my nearest and dearest (and everyone from the (destination) back here. Would that suggestion help him get his head around it, and therefore ultimately resolve this? ie: Go ahead with the destination in 2021 but make it 'just' symbolic.

Just go ahead. The negative nancies who are saying there is no way it can go ahead can’t possibly know that. I had a lovely time in the Caribbean just over two weeks ago (and with minimal restrictions following a 1 day ‘quarantine’ with cocktails by a pool) which I’m assuming they also would have thought impossible!

It sounds very much like your partner is throwing his toys out of the pram because the people who have had to cancel are from his family. If it means his parents won't be there then I would somehow pay for them but that would be it. He needs to get a grip really. Unless Covid cancels the wedding then the wedding goes ahead. You will not please everyone whatever you do.

Do you have eough ppl still going to make a basic wedding party eg 1 best man plus bridesmaid , then guests?

Are there ppl who would ruin it if they were not there?

I have a cunning plan.

You, OP, do nothing.

Your wedding abroad which you have planned and organised and paid towards is all going ahead as far as you are concerned.

If he wants to cancel, he can cancel and he can tell everyone and sort out refunds and re-book, plan, organise and pay for the UK wedding.

And you just sit back and go along with whatever he does at it means that much to him

Sorted!

The problem with cancelling because the “main” guests can’t come is that you are saying to the other 30 people that they are not good enough and it is the 12 that matters.

Which is going to be pretty hurtful to the 30.

Vaguely similar - BIL lived (and got married) abroad. We all flew out for his wedding. A couple of days before his wedding a local friend of his (who he was close to but who wasn’t in the wedding party) got ill. Seriously enough that it was obvious that he pretty obviously wasn’t going to make the wedding but not life threateningly.

BIL went on and on and on about how it wasn’t going to be the same without “Fred” which felt a bit hurtful to those of us who had flown thousands of miles and used our holiday allowance to be there.

I would keep the booking as it stands and hope that Covid meant you couldn’t travel and get a full refund. Yes it’s unfortunate for the people who have decided to pull out but it honours those who remain committed.

The problem with having the registry office part here either before or after is that given the current restrictions it’s likely the number of people who are able to attend would be limited. Then you would be in a similar situation in terms of who actually got to witness the marriage ceremony itself.

I wouldn’t propose losing £20,000 worth of deposits.

It’s unfortunate for the person who has people who have pulled out on their side (your dp?) but that doesn’t seem reason enough for every other family to lose their deposit.

@ForthPlace

* You don't have a wedding problem.

You have a DP problem*

Would you still say that if the brides has no family present?

I would regardless of which partner felt that way, absolutely.

Oh that's a tough situation. I would probably go ahead as I think it would cause a bitter taste for those who lose so much money.

You may find once you have made your decision you will be able to get excited about it x

You issued the invitation so you have a responsibility to your guests to go ahead. The fact that some guests have had to pull out because of finances shouldn't be used to call off the wedding as that means the other guests incur financial losses as well. That's not fair.
Have the registry wedding after you get back if that helps.

You have to go if covid doesn’t cancel it. Otherwise it’s totally out of order on the people that have paid.

I have been to a wedding abroad where the couple had a registry office wedding at home first because their destination wedding wouldn’t be legal. They didn’t tell anyone but then someone at our hotel let slip the law and when we asked them they fessed up. Nobody cared and it was brilliant.

Up to you what you do. To be honest it’s a situation where you can’t do wrong for doing right.

I would change the holiday to 2021 but to a much cheaper destination (somewhere people can get last minute cheap flights and accommodation and be able to go to for a weekend and not in a peak month) and write off the Caribbean. ..I think in your husband head he probably knows he is being unreasonable about it all, but in his heart he just wants his close family and all important people to be there and will struggle to get past it if you don't budge. It's a shit situation tho op, hope you can get it sorted.

*change to 2022

I’ve not read the full thread, but I’ve read all the OPs updates. You seem to be getting a hard time over a bad situation caused by an unprecedented, shitty situation.

Personally, I couldn’t get married without my family there so I wouldn’t expect my DH to either if he wanted them there (even though I actually do dislike most of them).

I think in the current circumstances, I would have the big family holiday abroad with whomever wanted to go, but I would lose the ceremony abroad - it doesn’t matter if it’s a legal one or not in my eyes as you’ve said you’ll think of it as your wedding either way.

I’d then get married here - something like a registry office do that both sides of the family could attend.

It’s not going to be the wedding of your dreams, but if you care about all of the family members attending and are concerned about costs for those attending (or who were planning to attend) I think this might be the fairest way to do it.

If I were in the situation of the one whose family couldn’t attend, I know my parents etc would want the ceremony to go ahead without them, but they’d be secretly gutted and I don’t think I’d want that. It would be more important to me they were there. And I think you two have to come to terms with the fact that one of you doesn’t want to go ahead without their family present - so you need a way around that.

I’m sorry for your situation - good luck !

What a shame.
You have to go-ahead really. You can't allow anyone to lose their deposits if you can't pay them back.
In choosing to get married abroad it is a given that there's a chance important people will drop out for a variety of reasons. I wanted my dad to be there for e.g. so I got married in my home town.

If I was your sister I would be very wary of your 'd'p who is happy to waste our family's money to suit his own. It would create a divide especially as he seems to value your family's money less and seems to feel free to spend it for them.

What i learned about weddings is that the people that matter will be there whatever. Honestly- even if its costing people nothing to turn up, you get this. Some people make massive effort that's beyond what you expect and others that should be going all out- suddenly its a hardship for. So what i would say is - do not arrange things around other people. (And mine was in this country!l).

As for the abroad issue. Yeah it's a right mess. But it wasn't predictable. Postponing - I would say that whenever you postpone to, you still have no idea if things will be normal by then. So I'm not sure I'd go that way. If there was no cost then I'd have considered it.

I think you can only hope that covid is still ongoing big style and it gets cancelled. People then will get money back if you just can't travel. Failing that, I'm afraid I think you have to go ahead. Because there are family/friends that are really putting themselves out for you and are committed to coming. You do not want to piss these people off. These are the ones that matter. Not the ones with excuses.
And then as someone else suggested- have some kind of gathering when you get back for everyone else. You'll likely find they can't be bothered with that though either. Your wedding is about you and your OH. No one else. If people want to come that's great. If they don't- their problem. Don't get hung up on it.

just a thught what if it turns out mandatory to have a vaccine jab before you go is everyone willingto do that as its highly likely this will become the norm

There are costs involved in making a destination wedding legal in your home country, for the judge, paperwork translations and legal fees we were quoted close to £3k, so a lot of people avoid that by having that as the wedding and then treating the registry office here like the 'paperwork'.

I know that this isn't the point of the thread, but where on earth did you get those costs from? I got married abroad and it is certainly legal here, the only cost was about £70ish to get out marriage certificate translated, I just sent it off to some legal firm I found on the internet and got it back about a week later; and I only needed that when I renewed my passport with my married name.

As for the actual thread, I think that you should continue as planned, you can't cause those 30 people who are still committed to coming to lose their money. Getting married abroad meant certain family members couldn't come, and we accepted that.

I'd go ahead as many more will lose money over those who voluntarily pulled out, then have a blessing/party at home.

My aunt and uncle live abroad and got legally married in a registry office there with their friends and came here for a holiday, where all their family live, and had a blessing and reception. If we didn't already know, we wouldn't have really known it was a blessing rather than the actual wedding. It was fine.

I'd go ahead OP. That's still a good number of people attending and it will be a lovely occasion. As others have said, you can't justify all those guests losing money just because there aren't enough of the right guests going.

I hope you can start to look forward to it soon - I feel for you, it is complicated and stressful, but you made the plans in good faith and I hope it can go ahead albeit in different circumstance.

DH and I married during lockdown, with just the two of us allowed. It was lovely. We're so glad now that we didn't postpone the wedding.

I'd postpone. You won't lose the money and you could still get married on the registry office in April and have the party at first year anniversary and wedding celebration.