To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

Joint family holiday/blessing/honeymoon abroad
Registry and party with those unable to attend beforehand

I personally wouldn't see it any differently whether legal or symbolic, it doesn't change much, it's still the wedding.

How can it be though? A wedding is when you get married, if it's symbolic and not legal then it's not a wedding, it's just an expensive jolly abroad.

@faginssidekick

I personally wouldn't see it any differently whether legal or symbolic, it doesn't change much, it's still the wedding.

How can it be though? A wedding is when you get married, if it's symbolic and not legal then it's not a wedding, it's just an expensive jolly abroad.

There will be a bride in a wedding dress, a groom in a suit, wedding party too, we will walk down an aisle, there will still be a ceremony, there will still be exchange of rings and vows, there will still be a reception, cutting the cake, a first dance. When you look back it will always be the wedding. My family aren't judgemental enough to refuse to treat that as the wedding and deem it not worth the expense because we'd be doing the legal bit before/after.

Really don't understand those making a fuss about the legal bit being on a different day to the actual wedding... the problem the OP has though is if she has a home event for those who can't go to the Caribbean how to make that special without undermining the Caribbean wedding... tricky
OP your fiance just seems to be throwing this over the fence for you to sort out, is that unfair?

You should go ahead as planned for the people who have paid for the holiday, and have a blessing at home afterwards for those who had to drop out.

Have the destination wedding and one at home too. It doesn't really matter which is the 'fake' wedding surely

So how is the wedding abroad the real wedding if you need a registry office one here anyway? Why not cancel the wedding abroad but still go on the big family holiday if that was the original idea?

I've not once said that our wedding isn't legal, at the moment it is, but one of the options if he doesn't want his family to miss out is to have a registry office do here, so they can see us get married, but then still go ahead with the wedding for those who can come but make it a symbolic one

There will be a bride in a wedding dress, a groom in a suit, wedding party too, we will walk down an aisle, there will still be a ceremony, there will still be exchange of rings and vows, there will still be a reception, cutting the cake, a first dance. When you look back it will always be the wedding. My family aren't judgemental enough to refuse to treat that as the wedding and deem it not worth the expense because we'd be doing the legal bit before/after.

So you are going abroad, at great expense, to pretend to get married and having a reception, a cake and a first dance all to mark what exactly? That you aren't married? I'd be furious if I was expected to go to all that expense and inconvenience of travelling overseas just to see somebody pretend to get married. I wasn't a fan of so called 'destination weddings' in the first place, now I realise that most of them aren't even legal makes me realise just how it's pointless as all it is about is an attention seeking gesture on the part of the 'bride' and 'groom'

I've not once said that our wedding isn't legal, at the moment it is

So you'll see that my comments (pp) are aimed at those that aren't legal. Yours is obviously different.

You've left yourself wide open to a massive bill as you have booked for everybody and are therefore legally liable for any bills. I'd say you need to cancel to avoid the risk of paying these bills if/when people decide they can't go.

This could also be a bit of a sticky situation, if someone cannot go for some reason (not covid related necessarily) and the wedding cannot go ahead they're not insured for the cancellation are they?

It would not be a fake wedding at all!! Many couples quietly get legally married at home at the reg office with just a few family members and then have a ceremonial wedding or whatever it's called at the destination. This saves from having to pay translation fees/paperwork fees in the other country. I would go with this option, then have the April wedding and then have another get together with everyone back home if that's not too much for you.

30 people is a big turnout for a destination wedding so far away, I would definitely go ahead in your shoes. However, it may be impossible to go ahead if your partner is not on board with doing so and his feeling about it might spoil it anyway. I think the only attitude that would save the day would be that you were going to make the absolute best of a deeply disappointing situation. Does he have any important people still going? Do you feel they all genuinely can no longer afford it or was it a case of they all followed each others lead? I feel really bad for you but I don't think cancelling can be considered with such a large number still going.

Hang on, now I’m confused.

Would the wedding actually be a legal wedding, or just a vow renewal ceremony?

@murmurgam

You've left yourself wide open to a massive bill as you have booked for everybody and are therefore legally liable for any bills. I'd say you need to cancel to avoid the risk of paying these bills if/when people decide they can't go.

This could also be a bit of a sticky situation, if someone cannot go for some reason (not covid related necessarily) and the wedding cannot go ahead they're not insured for the cancellation are they?

Full balances are due in 6 weeks, if people can't pay on the day then the booking would be cancelled and they would lose the deposit.

If we pull out now, people lose deposits and don't have to pay the remaining balance

If people pay the remaining balance, and then pull out, they lose the full balance inc deposit

If Covid calls the wedding off, everyone's get fully reimbursed

I hope that makes it more clear

If people pay the remaining balance, and then pull out, they lose the full balance inc deposit

This is the bit that surprises me that you've got so many to agree. If someone say, catches coid/breaks a leg and can no longer attend, they can't claim on their insurance as they haven't booked as I understand it?

I'm amazed that so many people replying to this thread would blame the OP and their partner for landing up in a crap situation due to a global pandemic that no-one can influence or be blamed for.

Yes, it's crap, and there are no easy answers - and it would be very frustrating - but in no way would I be expecting a family member/good enough friend that I'd agreed to go to their Caribbean wedding to take out a £20k loan to reimburse me for a lost deposit. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

@murmurgam

If people pay the remaining balance, and then pull out, they lose the full balance inc deposit

This is the bit that surprises me that you've got so many to agree. If someone say, catches coid/breaks a leg and can no longer attend, they can't claim on their insurance as they haven't booked as I understand it?

Insurance is individual and has nothing to do with who books it, just because I'm lead booker doesn't mean they aren't named on the booking and aren't able to get holiday insurance. We have sorted our own insurance and everyone else has sorted their own, as some have it with their banks already/wanted to source a different level of cover etc. I have no idea what people situations with their insurance is, that's down to them and they know that. Maybe they wouldn't lose all their money but I'm going by the booking terms in my post not peoples specific insurances.

We are guests invited to a wedding abroad- originally August 2020, now postponed to July 2021. We have lost cost of flights and hefty deposit on a villa.
We are not going to rebook and won’t be going next year. Can’t risk losing more money.
Ask your guests but I would rather write off my deposit and not have the stress hanging over me in such uncertain times.

If postponing till 2022 is going to cost your guests more money on top of what they’re currently expecting to pay then I wouldn’t consider it as an option.

Insurance is individual and has nothing to do with who books it, just because I'm lead booker doesn't mean they aren't named on the booking and aren't able to get holiday insurance.

That's what i always thought, but I've read several stories this year about people not being able to get refunds due to someone else managing the booking. Perhaps that was cases where a villa was booked so not necessarily individually named guests though.

I would keep the destination booking.
If covid cancels it everyone gets their money back anyway. If it goes ahead you get your destination wedding.
Either way you can have a celebration /blessing /wedding here at some point post covid.
The people who have already pulled out have made their choice, you can't sacrifice everyone else because of them and they still get to attend the celebration here.

The only problem you've got really is that your partner does not want to marry you unless certain members of his family are there. That's a massive problem right there.

You absolutely cannot cancel unless you reimburse and as you're not prepared to do that, that takes that option out anyway.

So you can't cancel, you will have to go ahead and hope it gets cancelled because of covid but if it doesn't, you go ahead and get married to your reluctant groom.

Or just call the whole thing off as he's coming across as selfish and whiney.

Just go. Get married. But book an event in the UK for 2022. Perhaps on your anniversary to have others there if its a problem.

We've been to one 'wedding' which was actually a 1st anniversary before because the couple had to get married quickly for legal reasons and could have an event.

You really may well find in the next few weeks that a fair proportion of the remaining 30 really may well prefer to forfeit their deposit rather than committing and paying the full balance under these very difficult circumstances.

Is it not better to contact everyone now and see how they all really feel about it as you are going to have to remind them all soon anyway about full payment. It’s surely best under the circumstances. People can see the difficulties of this situation and may be glad to have the option of easily pulling out and accepting their own financial loss.