To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

We have sorted our own insurance and everyone else has sorted their own

Fair enough - and in that case, if they've not taken out suitable policies then you're not responsible if the whole thing's cancelled through government action

That still leaves an issue if you cancel it of course, but personally I wouldn't do that. As said you'll never please everyone even in "normal" times, so I'd make your decision together and then stick to it ... after all this whole ghastly situation is hardly something you went looking for or wanted

I'm a bit confused because you've said everyone would get their money back if the wedding was cancelled because of Covid, but you've also said you don't know what insurance people have taken out.

Given this was booked so long ago, and it's such an expensive trip, I would expect everyone to have insurance in place that didn't have a Covid exclusion clause. I would therefore be aiming to have the wedding in April 2021 and be relieved if/when it was called off because of Covid.

To be blunt, if you wait until April 2022 so more people can attend, you may find fewer people can attend because they've died. You mention relatives who have pulled out already because of health concerns, and older relatives, so clearly you have some clinically vulnerable people in your inner circle.

I have never known more people grieving than I have in 2020. 2021 could be another year like this. Honestly, I'd go ahead at the earliest available date with whoever can attend, and aim to have a party at a later date to include as many of the people who couldn't.

Life is short. Don't keep waiting for something that might not be possible.

Op I'd go and get married with those that can still come ( and maybe if we still can't ravel by April and they cancel you'd get the ml way back)? And then have a big blessing in the UK afterwards with everyone

Given this was booked so long ago, and it's such an expensive trip, I would expect everyone to have insurance in place that didn't have a Covid exclusion clause. I would therefore be aiming to have the wedding in April 2021 and be relieved if/when it was called off because of Covid.

Again, I think it would be very unlikely that the wedding would be 'called off' in a way that meant insurance would pay out - that would have to mean not that going would be shit, but that it would be impossible. Governments across the world are trying not to go back to a situation where planes are grounded. If there happens to be a national lockdown at the time of the flight out then OP might be in luck, but short of that it's almost certainly the case that travel will be possible, but also quite likely that it, and the holiday, will be a lot more restricted and less enjoyable than OP expected when she booked.

@rainkeepsfallingdown

I'm a bit confused because you've said everyone would get their money back if the wedding was cancelled because of Covid, but you've also said you don't know what insurance people have taken out.

Given this was booked so long ago, and it's such an expensive trip, I would expect everyone to have insurance in place that didn't have a Covid exclusion clause. I would therefore be aiming to have the wedding in April 2021 and be relieved if/when it was called off because of Covid.

To be blunt, if you wait until April 2022 so more people can attend, you may find fewer people can attend because they've died. You mention relatives who have pulled out already because of health concerns, and older relatives, so clearly you have some clinically vulnerable people in your inner circle.

I have never known more people grieving than I have in 2020. 2021 could be another year like this. Honestly, I'd go ahead at the earliest available date with whoever can attend, and aim to have a party at a later date to include as many of the people who couldn't.

Life is short. Don't keep waiting for something that might not be possible.

The operator this is booked through has confirmed if either us or our destination are in lockdown and/or no flights are permitted due to coronavirus the booking will be eligible for a full refund or free amendments. Insurance is a separate factor covering over potential circumstances.

I really would get married here prior to going out there - you get to wear your dress twice!!!

The people you want will be there and see you get married and then you do it all again at the destination if it doesn't get cancelled.

If it gets cancelled book a huge party for your anniversary or similar.

There needs to be compromise without guests finances being screwed.

@MrsBrunch

The only problem you've got really is that your partner does not want to marry you unless certain members of his family are there. That's a massive problem right there.

You absolutely cannot cancel unless you reimburse and as you're not prepared to do that, that takes that option out anyway.

So you can't cancel, you will have to go ahead and hope it gets cancelled because of covid but if it doesn't, you go ahead and get married to your reluctant groom.

Or just call the whole thing off as he's coming across as selfish and whiney.

This ^

You don't have a wedding problem.

You have a DP problem.

OP “ We'd been talking for years of doing a big, once in a lifetime family holiday”

Which you can still do. But I’m a bit unclear on why some people have pulled out - but their loss surely?

With all added info, thinking have it, if covid cancels it, no one is out of pocket.

I think you are right that if you defer in order to accommodate family members who can't afford it in 2021, they will feel a huge obligation to go in 2022 even if their finances don't improve, or you will feel resentful if they don't come anyway.

Keep it as it is. They were involved at the planning stage so knew you were planning an overseas wedding. If they cant go now, it would be very unreasonable to expect you to change the wedding to fit them in.

A party afterwards in the UK would be the best option. It does mean you can then invite even more people. And wear your dress again.

You are too far in to cancel without costing lots of people money. You can't afford to refund them.

You won't be able to afford to throw a wedding in the UK and pay the costs for the overseas wedding you didn't get to go on.

Go ahead. Enjoy your day.

@Stiltonlover I think that's a bit unfair. If for some reason circumstances changed and none of my family could come to our wedding, I would expect my Partner to feel some sympathy and want to rearrange. I would assume he didnt really love me all that much if he had such total disregard to what was important to me and my family. Would you go ahead with your wedding if none of your family could be there?

@AcornAutumn it sounds like it was the OPs families dream holiday that they tagged her wedding on to and her DPs were invited by default but cant actually afford it. Did your partner want to get married abroad OP?

[quote IndiaMay]@Stiltonlover I think that's a bit unfair. If for some reason circumstances changed and none of my family could come to our wedding, I would expect my Partner to feel some sympathy and want to rearrange. I would assume he didnt really love me all that much if he had such total disregard to what was important to me and my family. Would you go ahead with your wedding if none of your family could be there?[/quote]
It's some of the family, not all. And as they were the ones who agreed to it then pulled out, yes, I think it most definitely should go ahead.

I would cancel, too much of a risk in paying even more money, at this point only deposits are lost.

If I'm reading correctly the high earning relatives are still planning on attending. If they loose their deposit, surely they are no going to expect you to refund to them and aren't these the same people that an antra cost for changing their holiday, isn't going to impact. Will the travel agent change it to 'any destination' so that family can choose something they want.
No one could predict a pandemic, it is unfortunate for them too, but not your fault. They have to accept that. They could have booked any holiday and be in the same situation.

In addition, how is the person with few family members there going to feel...sad on the day? Is it worth the sadness and anxiety, whilst spending loads of money. Hardly a day to remember.
I do think though, to be respectful to everyone, you should scale back your wedding, so that there is no 'we lost loads and she spent on....' in terms of your 'new' wedding.

• You don't have a wedding problem.

You have a DP problem*

Would you still say that if the brides has no family present?

[quote IndiaMay]@AcornAutumn it sounds like it was the OPs families dream holiday that they tagged her wedding on to and her DPs were invited by default but cant actually afford it. Did your partner want to get married abroad OP?[/quote]
Only on Mumsnet could that be twisted like that so sound so negative. That's a bit of a reach considering you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. My partner and I have been together for a decade. Our families know each other. The kids all get on. Nobody was invited 'by default'.

@ForthPlace

* You don't have a wedding problem.

You have a DP problem*

Would you still say that if the brides has no family present?

Yes of course. It's not about whether it's the bride or groom. It's about being decent people and not throwing another family under the bus because some of the first family have changed their minds.

OP and her partner have planned a very expensive venue and are extremely lucky that any of their family members were willing to give up hundreds of pounds to attend. How can they throw that back in their faces? They just can't, it would be awful.

If people drop out of will the cost not increase for everyone else
I know in the past if I made a booking for a holiday and the the other person decided not to go then I either lose the holiday and whatever I’ve paid so far ,pay up and go on my own or get someone else to take my friends place
It would be me technically out of pocket if I’m the lead booker

It’s for you (as a couple) only to decide what matters most. The wedding ceremony or the next 60 years together.
Make your choice.

[quote IndiaMay]@Stiltonlover I think that's a bit unfair. If for some reason circumstances changed and none of my family could come to our wedding, I would expect my Partner to feel some sympathy and want to rearrange. I would assume he didnt really love me all that much if he had such total disregard to what was important to me and my family. Would you go ahead with your wedding if none of your family could be there?[/quote]
It's not about the outcome being shit. We can all agree the situation is very unfortunate and no one is going to get what they want here.
It's the fact that OP's DP has now left her with a fait accompli by vetoing any alternative or compromise other than cancelling. And he thinks it's fine to leave her family out of pocket by cancelling because your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit
There's loads of sensible suggestions on this thread about how to compromise, but OP can't do any of them because her DP is basically refusing and saying her family should pay up.
That's why I said she has a DP problem. And if the genders were reversed I'd say exactly the same thing.

Given this is all one booking for so many people, will people be given the choice to have a refund or to move the booking? I can’t see a travel agent refunding some, moving some bookings, changing some? Not sure how that works.

The issue with arguing that it has to go ahead because too many people will lose money and that transferring to different holidays isn't good enough is that I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit". It's hard because ultimately if the wedding goes ahead as planned it is correct that one person is technically missing out more than the other but really, we're all family and no one wants anyone to not be there, it's just the unfortunate reality

This is why you shouldn't have destination weddings and put all that financial pressure on people. Keep the travel for your honeymoon.

@AllTheCakes

Given this is all one booking for so many people, will people be given the choice to have a refund or to move the booking? I can’t see a travel agent refunding some, moving some bookings, changing some? Not sure how that works.

No, refunds aren't being offered. Yes, they can currently change holiday/dates for an admin fee +\- the different in costs.

@LizaE

The issue with arguing that it has to go ahead because too many people will lose money and that transferring to different holidays isn't good enough is that I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit". It's hard because ultimately if the wedding goes ahead as planned it is correct that one person is technically missing out more than the other but really, we're all family and no one wants anyone to not be there, it's just the unfortunate reality

This is why you shouldn't have destination weddings and put all that financial pressure on people. Keep the travel for your honeymoon.

Thanks. I'll just go back in time and book something different.

I’d go ahead.
It will probably be a relief if Covid puts a stop to it but I think you need to treat it as if it’s going ahead.
Blessing /party in uk afterwards.
Sorry it’s so shit x

OP - you e enough on your plate without listening to the naysayers.

Personally I love a destination wedding, have been on a few inc Caribbean and have also turned down a few due to cost etc. As MN is fond of saying - it’s an invitation not a summons.

I don’t know how I would feel about all of this as a guest. I reckon I’d probably just cancel and chalk it as a loss, mainly because even if it went ahead it probably wouldn’t be that great a hol due to restrictions and Ive no intention of travelling in a confined space while Covid is prevalent which I reckon it will be into next year.

This is why I think it might be useful to see what people are thinking as a gauge.