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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give him a son

277 replies

headlingfortrouble · 14/11/2020 22:04

Name changed for this.
I have 2 beautiful daughters with my husband and he would desperately like to have a son.

I know he really wanted a boy last time and was disappointed when we had another girl although to be honest although I didn't mind as long as we had a healthy child I was glad we had 2 girls close in age as they are great together.

Anyway dh keeps saying he wants a son and we should try one more time but I know he only wants a son and although he says he will love another girl regardless I have said NO based on him only wanting another child because it's one more shot at it being a boy.
He says I'm being unfair and denying him the chance of a son if I don't agree to trying one more time who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 14/11/2020 23:00

@Lydia777

"Haha! I love some of these responses - turn this on it’s head and it’s a woman desperate for a girl and it’s all “oh yes gender disappointment is such a real thing and so devastating”. Makes my blood boil hmm."

This-the double standards on her is so bad sometimes!

My issue is not so much the wishing for a son but the pressure he's putting on her to have another baby when she doesn't want to - and not because he wants another child but because he wants a son. Just no.
RandomMess · 14/11/2020 23:00

We have 4 girls 🤷🏽‍♀️

Runnerduck34 · 14/11/2020 23:01

Would he want another child if he already had a son? Do you want another child? As pp have said you could have several more DC and still not have a boy.
I don't think its unusual for a man want a son or women to want a daughter tbh, although of course parents love their child whichever sex it is.
You have to draw the line somewhere and obviously pregnancy ,childbirth and, in a lot of cases, the lions share of child rearing falls to the mother so yanbu to say no. If you want a third child then go for it , but be clear it was the last DC no matter what sex it was!

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/11/2020 23:01

@Lydia777

"Haha! I love some of these responses - turn this on it’s head and it’s a woman desperate for a girl and it’s all “oh yes gender disappointment is such a real thing and so devastating”. Makes my blood boil hmm."

This-the double standards on her is so bad sometimes!

I would say the same to a woman. Someone should have had a fucking word with Molly Weasley. Nice job on Ron there love.
TheDowagerDuchess · 14/11/2020 23:02

I find this really quite tragic. That some parents long some much for a child of a particular sex in this day and age.

I’d point him in the way of some counselling for his feelings OP. Hopefully he can come to value the children he’s got. Don’t keep trying for more children who may grow up feeling “less than” the wanted boy.

Worriedaboutcovid19 · 14/11/2020 23:03

But what if his son is a very camp gay man who likes ballet, drinks wine and not beer and has a friendship group of all girls?

As hes wanting a boy I'm assuming it's because it must be for the traditional stereotype of what a boy should be.

I would be very worried that if he did have a boy then that boy would have a lot to live up to. Would he be able to ask his dad for tickets to little mix? A barbie for his birthday? A new makeup pallet?

Because people, including males are individuals. Gender disappointment goes hand in hand with gender rigid views imo. Your hoping for an image in your head (my daughters will like dancing, tea parties, make up and spa days we can do together).

So your child is already on the back foot before their born as they have an image of them created by their parents to live up to.

katy1213 · 14/11/2020 23:05

Tell him if he's lucky one of them might transition in a few years time. Would that satisfy him? Thought not!

oakleaffy · 14/11/2020 23:05

@headlingfortrouble
Some men are disappointed with girls, and imagine their lives would be great with a 'Mini Me' son.

My neighbour was sad that he didn't get a son , but he has two lovely girls.
Also........Sons eventually get 'Taken over' by wives {assuming they are straight} and having daughters means he is much more likely to still be close to his daughters when they are grown.

You could keep trying for a boy, and keep getting girls. A gamble I'd not take! ~Two children is a good number, plus they get on well..Stick with them.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2020 23:06

Based on the fact that he was disappointed when you had a girl last time, I would absolutely not have another child with him....and if he kept going on about it, I wouldn't hesitate telling him to leave and find someone else.

If you had another daughter, what will he do then? No way would I do it.

BeyondsConstantBangingHeadache · 14/11/2020 23:06

Re the double standards, at least when a woman wants to try for the opposite sex to existing children, they're the ones doing the actual carrying/birthing/breastfeeding/etc. And if you're incredibly unlucky like me, risking disability to do it.

Not quite the same as a man who wants a boy, is it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/11/2020 23:08

I would disagree that its about stereotypes of a particular sex, but that the parent concerned assumes that the child of the same sex as them will therefore be the same as them in every other way.

Mummy loves shopping and ballet? "Oh I cant wait to do that with a daughter!" And then the daughter loves football and kickboxing.

Daddy loves footie and kickboxing? "oh I cant wait to take my son to his first match!" and the son love shopping and ballet.

Its the assumption that a child will be a clone of the parent which bothers me because the parents need to stop putting their needs onto their kids.

HallieKnight · 14/11/2020 23:10

It is completely your choice if you want to have a baby or not and if you don't he can find another way to have a son if he wants

cardswapping · 14/11/2020 23:10

I had 2 girls then a boy. A nurse at the hospital told me it was a 16% chance of having a third of opposite sex as two previous ones when previous ones were same sex. I expect there is some data out there somewhere.

The real question is how many children do you want? Then sex is up to chance.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/11/2020 23:11

I can understand the longing for a baby of a different sex to the ones we have. My daughter died at birth and although my 4 sons are wonderful, and I am so grateful for them, I do feel sad about never having a daughter. (She was the 3rd, and there was never any element of trying for a girl though).

However, sometimes we want things we can't have, and we just have to deal with it. Some women never get past being broody and will always have to deal with the sadness of never having another baby. Biology means that they just have to acknowledge the sadness and get on with their lives. And it just isn't fair to ask someone else to take the medical risks, the break for maternity leave and the risk of PND, just to provide a child of potentially the "right" sex.

PandaCub7 · 14/11/2020 23:11

@headlingfortrouble send him some articles and videos on the dangers of pregnancy, childbirth/caesarean and post partum. Make sure it’s graphic. Then ask if he really wants to put you through this. Isn’t he happy with his 2 healthy DDs? What if this hypothetical son isn’t a stereotypical boy’s boy?

Mummy43026 · 14/11/2020 23:12

My hubby was the same, we had 2 daughters & he was disappointed when our youngest daughter was a girl (though he loves them dearly) he just wanted a son, I wanted more kids so we agreed to have 1 more & chance our luck - worked & we got a baby boy (who is a complete Mummy’s boy so karma bit my hubby in the bum lol)

Hardbackwriter · 14/11/2020 23:13

[quote oakleaffy]@headlingfortrouble
Some men are disappointed with girls, and imagine their lives would be great with a 'Mini Me' son.

My neighbour was sad that he didn't get a son , but he has two lovely girls.
Also........Sons eventually get 'Taken over' by wives {assuming they are straight} and having daughters means he is much more likely to still be close to his daughters when they are grown.

You could keep trying for a boy, and keep getting girls. A gamble I'd not take! ~Two children is a good number, plus they get on well..Stick with them.[/quote]
Was it really necessary to include yet another gender stereotype?

oakleaffy · 14/11/2020 23:14

Selecting for gender is rightfully outlawed in many Countries...Many years ago there was a tragic film called

The Dying Rooms { parts of it on you tube, I won't link, as so upsetting}

Where infant girls in China were dumped- to die- so that a couple could have a longed for boy.

Dowry system also means families yearn for sons.

It is such a shame.

Love the child you are lucky enough to have.

Original poster
headlingfortrouble · 14/11/2020 23:18

No it's him that wants to try again.
I feel 2 is perfect for me and this is just his yearning for a boy.
I'm more than happy with my girls but he seems to think this is our last chance (age wise) so this is why he keeps on.
I know he thinks about it a lot and has a name picked out and I feel as if he's decided we will have a boy and he just needs to convince me.

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 14/11/2020 23:19

Yeah that would be a firm no from me. As you can tell from my posting history I hate the desperation for one sex over another. The pregnancy board is absolutely awash with women desperately unhappy they are having a boy. It is awful to read.

I too would worry he would favour his son should he get one. I am the eldest of 4 and in my mid 30s. My dad is still not over the fact that his first born wasnt a son. Took him 3 tries to get what he wanted and my DB is 100% his fave child. Though he would never admit this and it has certainly lessened over the years.

Chances are it would be another girl anyway and you would be bringing a child into this world already a massive disappointment to her father. Not fair at all.

mathanxiety · 14/11/2020 23:22

He is being massively unreasonable.

What does he want in a son that he thinks he can't have in or from his daughters? What sort of relationship? What sort of shared interests? A love of the outdoors? A love of sport?

I can't help feeling that any son of his would be burdened from day one with the unreasonable expectations of his father.

Children are not there to fulfill fantasies.

NancyPickford · 14/11/2020 23:23

My DH and SIL had two girls, tried again 'for a son', got another girl, tried again - another daughter, finally after five daughters my SIL said 'enough' and they stopped. There is no guarantee what you will get, no matter how many times you try. He should be happy and grateful for the healthy children he already has.

NancyPickford · 14/11/2020 23:23

Sorry, that should be my DB and SIL!

dottiedaisee · 14/11/2020 23:24

I have four friends with x2 four sons and x2 four girls ...they are both massively happy with their brood.X

Londonmummy66 · 14/11/2020 23:24

As a PP has said - just tell him you are not prepared to put your body through another pregnancy just to allow him to strut his Henry VIII complex

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