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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel Christmas for 12 who won't behave at school

136 replies

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:31

I have a 12 year old and since the start of senior school hes constantly been in trouble, fighting, talking in class shouting out , swinging on chair etc. His attitude at me is appalling, I get told he hates mes scream and slams doors, doesn't want to help around the house and is awful to his siblings. He's the same at his dads house aswell.

He gets two of everything holidays presents etc. Me and his dad have been split since he was 1 and both been with our partners since ds was 2 so he's known know different. He has no issues with either step parent has good relationship with them both. He just doesnt seem to want to obey rules and often or not gets himself into trouble by showing off with his mates.

Hes had other 12 after school detention since starting back in September. I begged him to have a better year, family have tried talking to him without fail he can't seem to go a week without being in trouble. Hes lost his xbox, phone, bike etc but now ex is taking to losing Christmas money if he gets into trouble and reward it back when he has a good week, he wanted me to do the same but I'd feel uncomfortable him with nothing and my other dc with presents.

There's no bullying going on I have asked him if anything we think hes in the wrong crowd and playing up to the teachers. We are contemplating changing schools. Please no negative comments I already feel shit and embrassed by his behaviour and constant phone calls from the school.

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DelilahDingleberry · 14/11/2020 15:33

Behaviour is communication. He needs help rather than punishment. I’d have a look at The Explosive Child book.

StrawberrySquash · 14/11/2020 15:35

Please don't cancel Christmas, you will only push him away from you.

VettiyaIruken · 14/11/2020 15:35

Something is going badly wrong for him and I'm not sure that cancelling Christmas for him will make it better.

I'd carry on trying to get to the bottom of why he is so angry. It sounds like a constant battleground.

It sounds tough on you all. I hope that you manage to find a way to help him.

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:36

Its not my idea its my ex and he seems adamant to cancel presents but I dont think its the right way. We buy separately.

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38weekswithno2 · 14/11/2020 15:36

I wouldn't jump straight to cancelling Christmas, it will just make him feel unloved which will fuel bad behaviour.
I would see if the school can refer you onto anyone for help with his behaviour management

EstellaHanclay · 14/11/2020 15:36

Maybe change tack? So instead of punishments/ taking away things... Really positive reinforcement so overly praise every time he does something good. You and other parents try to do more outings/ 1 on 1 time with him. Keep christmas presents but he has to earn any pocket money/ day to day treats. Get him involved in school lunch/ after school clubs so the time he has to misbehave is limited. Good luck!

happylittlechick · 14/11/2020 15:38

I don't think that will help. I'd suggest family therapy. He's 12 so he should be able to talk through whatever's going on. Cancelling Christmas is probably going to inflame the situation.

MummyMiss · 14/11/2020 15:40

Trust me as a teacher, when I say this will not help and could have a more detrimental impact

Didiusfalco · 14/11/2020 15:41

It sounds like he needs counselling not Christmas cancelling. If his behaviour wasn’t terrible before then what has changed? You need to get to the bottom of this. No extreme reactions, like dramatically cancelling Christmas. You need to be consistent. He is obviously struggling, you have to be strong, but he needs to be able to trust you. Don’t give him more reasons to feel angry and alienated.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 15:42

Give him his Christmas. Change schools as soon as you can. He is in this pattern because of the importance of peer approval. He has set himself up as a class clown and now this attention is going to be more powerful than losing his privileges.

DressingGownofDoom · 14/11/2020 15:42

He is a child, he has a big problem and he's suffering. Don't make it worse! Help him.

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:44

We done earning pocketing money but he doesnt want to do the jobs. We tried after school clubs but then he doesnt want to do it hes done boxing swimming etc didnt want to continue it. His xbox was abig problem with his behaviour so we had to removed it limiting time didnt work. He says he didnt think when shouting out. He likes to show off and think its cool getting into to trouble we sat down and spoke about people laughing arent laughing with him but at him because he's the one getting into trouble. We think it sinks in then he does it again. He took fake blood into school the other day and got it everywhere all over the other kids.

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wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 15:44

He's twelve, not two - I think clear boundaries need to be set. Both you and ex need to sit down and say "If x,y and z happen then x, y and z punishment will happen" Dont take away Christmas. That'll just make him act out worse. How was he over lockdown?

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:45

His behaviour deteriorated when he started senior schools I think it is peer pressure but also the school is very strict ethos he seems to have struggled to make the transition from primary school to senior school

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MummyMiss · 14/11/2020 15:46

@Amira19

Is there a particular lesson in which his behaviour is terrible?

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:46

wheresmycookies

He was a nightmare during lockdown he had me in tears he was refusing to do the work set by the teachers on microsoft teams.

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Sirzy · 14/11/2020 15:46

You and your ex (and step parents) all need to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

I agree with pretty much everyone else you need to get to the bottom of what is going wrong not push him further away.

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:47

No just general lessons shouting out swinging on chairs talking etc.

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notanothertakeaway · 14/11/2020 15:47

Agree with PP that behaviour is a form of communication. Happy children don't behave like that

Sometimes, children play up as a way of getting attention, even for negative reasons

Have you tried lovebombing him eg making 1 to 1 time

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 15:48

New school. January. I would show him how seriously I was taking this, but he would get his presents. Not his pocket money, though!

Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:48

We all had a discussions but ex wanted to remove Christmas presents i didnt want to do that.

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movingonup20 · 14/11/2020 15:48

Are their younger half siblings? Could he be angry about that? I echo that he needs someone to talk to who is not a current stakeholder (parents, stepparents, school) - something is probably causing this for some reason my guess is he's struggling to communicate feelings or wanting attention. Family therapy is one solution, cahms are likely to be very long waiting list wise, some schools have counsellors but a good independent counsellor who can provide a safe space for him to express himself is probably the way - I've had several clients like this and most only have 2-3 sessions, online these days, enough to allow the young person to feel validated in whatever they perceive the problem to is and for them to be honest to their parents about it (most of my clients have divorced parents btw, all thinking they are doing their best but typically the child is finding their half siblings disconcerting.).

Best wishes

steppemum · 14/11/2020 15:48

I agree with lots of what has been said.
Something is wrong. At school, at home, with friends, imagined (he thinks xx even if not true) etc.

To sort him out you need to get to the bottom of what is wrong.

he is not talking to you, so I would ask him if he would talk to someone else, in private, ie a counsellor. Then find a good kids counsellor and pay for him to go. Don't bother /wait for CAHMS on NHS.

In the meantime, look at the overall interaction he has with you over one week. Be real. How many negative interactions? How many positive?
be really proactive about saying positive things. Really 20 x more than you think you need to. Whether it is good morning sweetheart, or bye, have a good day, or thanks for clearing the stuff off the table, or I love your sense of humour etc.

then think about how many interactions meet him on his level, his interests, his music, his friends. Again be proactive.

he will reject it, maybe all of it, but it will sink in, drip by drip.

It can be a horrible and difficult age, and they are relaly dependent on you being the adult all through, and on knowing, depsite everything, that you do love them

Sirzy · 14/11/2020 15:49

@Amira19

His behaviour deteriorated when he started senior schools I think it is peer pressure but also the school is very strict ethos he seems to have struggled to make the transition from primary school to senior school
I would be questioning if it’s the right school for him then. Not everyone will thrive in a strict environment some people need a more nurturing setting. I would certainly be putting out feelers to see if there is a school that is more suitable for him
Amira19 · 14/11/2020 15:49

He has a very good family life he is equally involved in both sides inregards to treats and holidays hes never been left out and went to Turkey 2 one year, days out caravan holidays. Stuff like going out has been limited due to lockdown obviously but he does get 1 to 1 time.

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