To cancel Christmas for 12 who won't behave at school

[Amira19]

I have a 12 year old and since the start of senior school hes constantly been in trouble, fighting, talking in class shouting out , swinging on chair etc. His attitude at me is appalling, I get told he hates mes scream and slams doors, doesn't want to help around the house and is awful to his siblings. He's the same at his dads house aswell.

He gets two of everything holidays presents etc. Me and his dad have been split since he was 1 and both been with our partners since ds was 2 so he's known know different. He has no issues with either step parent has good relationship with them both. He just doesnt seem to want to obey rules and often or not gets himself into trouble by showing off with his mates.

Hes had other 12 after school detention since starting back in September. I begged him to have a better year, family have tried talking to him without fail he can't seem to go a week without being in trouble. Hes lost his xbox, phone, bike etc but now ex is taking to losing Christmas money if he gets into trouble and reward it back when he has a good week, he wanted me to do the same but I'd feel uncomfortable him with nothing and my other dc with presents.

There's no bullying going on I have asked him if anything we think hes in the wrong crowd and playing up to the teachers. We are contemplating changing schools. Please no negative comments I already feel shit and embrassed by his behaviour and constant phone calls from the school.

It sounds like he's masked his difficulties up until now and the more demanding environment is where he is unable to hide it any more. He won't understand why he does these things.

I don't know what the answer is,OP, but I can tell from what you've posted you and his father care for and love him very much otherwise you'd just be shrugging and saying "Oh well,what can you do?" If he's able to say he likes the attention then I think drama club as suggested would be a great outlet. Maybe ask him if he thinks he can go a day without you being notified by school and set up small challenges even half a day or a single class.

I’d seek professional help - GP, CAMHS, school counselor or psychologist?

Are you sure nothing bad has happened to him? Eg abuse or seeing something inappropriate on a friend’s mobile phone? If he wasn’t a handful before it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I’m not sure I’d punish him by canceling Christmas. Try lots of love and attention if you can.

ADHD. Research it more, do some online tests etc and see if it fits. He sounds a classic example. Just because he understands the work doesn't mean he hasn't got it. That's ridiculous. Schools are reluctant to suggest it because of funding etc.
Do no under any circumstance cancel Xmas . That would be beyond cruel.

He likes to show off - take him at his word & pursue a PP’s suggestion of extra-mural drama, performing & sports activities etc. Engage with the clues he is giving you - it may only last a term or two BUT it will be about his fledging into the person he is due to become.

Turn Christmas round, He’s old enough to undertake responsibilities for pitching in to make the family celebration work. Allocate him a slot or course to produce something special for the day, e.g. the Christmas breakfast, or starter/pudding for the Big Lunch, maybe organise the music for the day...something where he can show-off how capable & responsible he can be, earn some admiration appreciation from adults.

Obvs discuss & rehearse in advance, otherwise he’d be set up to fail.

Lots has been cancelled already this year, and maybe that is part of the problem. You can't cancel Christmas, it would be cruel. Use it instead as a way of getting him to connect and relax - involve him in planning, meals, games etc. (Maybe not so much trips or get togethers etc in case they get changed). He sounds like he's struggling and needs help. Absolutely involve the school pastoral system and the G.P. too. Have you considered ADHD? Ditto The Explosive Child, it's a good book, and will help you both to learn strategies for dealing with these emotions.
My son is very angry at times, and I've found that meeting his anger with more anger usually is like a match to a firework - usually we get a lot more out of him when we're calm to his anger. It's not easy though!

Op, just to give you some perspective.

My ds is now 18 and recently we had a long talk. He told me that when he was 12 what he thought he wanted and needed was an x-box or laptop in his room overnight. I remember, he campaigned and pestered and was foul over that demand for weeks and months. We were the worst parents in the world. At the time he had an explosive temper and frequently disrupted family life.
He said he now knows that what he needed was for us to parent him, and we did and he is grateful to us that we did. Honestly, that sounds corny, but it was amazing to hear. It comes from a place where he is seeing the results of some poor parenting in his friendship group.

But at 12 he was really, really hard work.

But he also told me that for years he had struggled. Sometimes when he had had a row with us, he would go to his room and want to kill himself, he thought he was the only person who had ever felt this way and he didn't know what to do. That feeling fuelled a lot of his anger.
My heart broke for him, he never told anyone until he was 18, and he felt completely alone in this. He discovered the gym when he was 16, and doing a workout made him feel better. But I had no idea that was why he liked the gym so much. Now he feels mentally stable, but those echoes are still with him, and so he wants to talk to someone about it.

Please find him a counsellor. Don't bother with GP and CAHMS the waiting list is too long. Just find a recommended local person and get him some sessions. You don't know what is going on underneath.

@Amira19

We done earning pocketing money but he doesnt want to do the jobs. We tried after school clubs but then he doesnt want to do it hes done boxing swimming etc didnt want to continue it. His xbox was abig problem with his behaviour so we had to removed it limiting time didnt work. He says he didnt think when shouting out. He likes to show off and think its cool getting into to trouble we sat down and spoke about people laughing arent laughing with him but at him because he's the one getting into trouble. We think it sinks in then he does it again. He took fake blood into school the other day and got it everywhere all over the other kids.

Could he have a 'non standard' learning style.

I have both Dyspraxia and Dyslexia, Im an not 'dumb' (have 2 degrees) but required years of occupational therepy to learn simple tasks and somethings cant be 'fixed' like I couldnt hold a pen (now fixed) and my brain cant convert sound to word (so I cant hear and write it - unfixable) so I can't physically take notes.

I learn by converting word to memory which requires pausing and talking about things (basically the more you say an idea the more it sticks in your head) after each new bit of infomation which means I always shouted out as a kid (and got punished) because I was repeting the point or talking about an anecdote that would link it to something else in my memory.

Even in uni drove people mad by putting my hand up after each thing to talk about it when they just wanted the bullet points so they could go back to sleep (seriously my class where some of the laziest people I ever met, maybe if they didnt party all night they would be tired at noon lol).

As a result of always being punished for stuff I couldn't control (shouting out, not writing things down, falling behind on writen work etc...) as a young child I lashed out a lot and as a teen I got detention and punished a lot by some teachers and I went the opposit way and became anxious and introverted which caused even more issue.

My 12yr old can be awful (she smashes things up, hurts me and her brother) but there would be nothing to be gained from ruining her Xmas.

Ds has ADHD. He was constantly in trouble in years 7-8 for fidgeting, shouting out, doing silly things, not completing his work etc. But school never suggested it to us. I suppose you have to bear in mind that they’re taught by probably 10-12 different teachers at secondary who don’t know them that well. They’re also not necessarily familiar with ADHD traits.

However when teachers were asked to fill in the questionnaire from CAMHS, they all highlighted various things which confirmed the diagnosis. Lots of ADHD traits just get put down to naughtiness. I remember an awful parents evening where the maths teacher was just having a go at ds, then as his mind wandered to what was happening outside the door she said ‘see, he’s not even concentrating on what I’m saying now!’.

Things are a bit better now in year 10- I think partly due to (most) teachers having a bit more understanding and also ds being more self-aware.