To cancel Christmas for 12 who won't behave at school

[Amira19]

I have a 12 year old and since the start of senior school hes constantly been in trouble, fighting, talking in class shouting out , swinging on chair etc. His attitude at me is appalling, I get told he hates mes scream and slams doors, doesn't want to help around the house and is awful to his siblings. He's the same at his dads house aswell.

He gets two of everything holidays presents etc. Me and his dad have been split since he was 1 and both been with our partners since ds was 2 so he's known know different. He has no issues with either step parent has good relationship with them both. He just doesnt seem to want to obey rules and often or not gets himself into trouble by showing off with his mates.

Hes had other 12 after school detention since starting back in September. I begged him to have a better year, family have tried talking to him without fail he can't seem to go a week without being in trouble. Hes lost his xbox, phone, bike etc but now ex is taking to losing Christmas money if he gets into trouble and reward it back when he has a good week, he wanted me to do the same but I'd feel uncomfortable him with nothing and my other dc with presents.

There's no bullying going on I have asked him if anything we think hes in the wrong crowd and playing up to the teachers. We are contemplating changing schools. Please no negative comments I already feel shit and embrassed by his behaviour and constant phone calls from the school.

flaviaritt

Thabkyou that means alot especially when I feel like I'm failing him.

Don't cancel Christmas my DH dad cancelled Xmas for my DH and his younger brother when they were little for being naughty. Made no difference to their behaviour but it's had long lasting effects on my DH, he doesn't enjoy Christmas as I do or even care very much for it. I'd feel uncomfortable for punishing my son for something that is happening now in 6 weeks time

My friend really did cancel Christmas once, she'd had a difficult year and her 3 boys had been difficult. They came down on Christmas morning to nothing, were incredulous and spent all morning thinking she was joking and looking for their presents. Her ex who had agreed to this suddenly had a change of heart and gave them cash. Shortly afterwards the boys all went to live with their father and cut off all contact with their mother.
It's an extreme example but her children were struggling and she punished them at the worst time. Your child is suffering in some way, don't punish him.

@kattekitt

Speak to school about a managed move. It might just be the wake up call needed and if behaviour improves he can stay where he is. The school should be able to organise visits to the new school and it may help. Just keep going op as other have said school just doesn’t work for some children. You may also find that once his hormones calm down he will settle further as well

If he is not ask risk of permanent exclusion (is he?) you don't need a managed move. The managed move process is such that it is a trial for pupils at risk of permanent exclusion. If the move fails he will return to his original school or worse be permanently excluded. In my opinion it is a last resort.

You can choose another school with places and move him.
I am assuming that his attendance is ok?

If he is blurting out in class and moving or swinging on his chair a lot, it is worth checking out for ADHD. It’s so common nowadays and tends to be labelled as disruptive at senior school and immature at junior. Kids with ADHD will seek sugar (stealing snacks) because it does help ‘medicate’ them. Have a read about the condition.

I am sure you have but have you tried doing a “grown up” talk?

A sort of “it must be tough getting in trouble all the time. What can we do to help?” Type thing

OP It’s a tough one; one that I don’t think cancelling Christmas or moving schools will sort as he’ll still be in the area and there’s more to Christmas than just presents. It might even get worse as the bad crowd will pull him more. Obviously it’s difficult to move but it sounds like he needs removing from the situation in this case the area completely.
It also depends what importance he attaches to Christmas. It could work or it could make it worse. I think it’s worth trying to understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. If he says he’s trying to be accepted by his mates then you really need to look at the school he’s at and mates he has. You mention he’s at a Catholic school, does he believe in the teachings and practice? If not could be he’s struggling to fit in. Did he attend church to get into this school, did he want to? Could that be a reason he’s rebelling? Hope it all works out!

Has he talked much about school positively at home? Could it be the whole atmosphere- you mentioned it was Catholic- is it too oppressive for him / too many religious overtones?
I certainly used to dread the school calling me, it was always "what's he done now" feeling too so I understand how you are feeling.

It's very early days for him at secondary school and a huge adjustment from primary. The whole set up is so different for the children and in it's way very stressful. He may well be reacting to that. I used to head up Year 7 and there was always a certain amount of shuffling children to different tutor groups to get a better fit. He needs support and kindness, as obviously from what you say this is unusual behaviour for him. Please realise that he will need 'downtime' in the Christmas hols and I certainly wouldn't escalate things by punishing him with lack of presents. He sounds a bit lost, but acting out to cover those feelings. Just be there for him, as you obviously are, hopefully he will settle down in due course. It's a difficult age and then there is the complications of Covid. He needs understanding, not punishment.

I don’t think cancelling Christmas is a good idea, but I wouldn’t go overboard buy clothes and trainers rather than expensive games etc.

Could he be dyslexic? Or have another special learning issue that he's managed to 'hide' up until now. Bright children can easily 'hide' them in primary school, but it becomes harder in secondary due to the workload increase and organisational demands that they may not have the skills to deal with.

A lot of the in class issues you've mentioned are also 'diversion' tactics for children who can no longer hide that they're struggling to keep up due to reading issues... chatting, chair rocking, being silly, going for the laugh rather than doing the work.

Don't cancel Christmas; how on earth would you manage it for his siblings without him making it a dreadful experience for all of you? He'd be devastated and having to watch the others opening presents etc, well how do you think he'd react? I suspect his behaviour would take a serious dive and you'd have lost his trust as well.

Whatever idiocy his perpetrates, include your son in Xmas (and make it clear to your ex that you will, it may make him change his mind).

I'm not sure what you can do about his behaviour at school. How does he feel about changing school? I went to a Catholic school and it was strict, and it was very tempting to push back - I did do that once, and was expelled! That was way back in the 70s, I don't think expulsion is quite so easy these days.

County lines??

@Amira19

Its not my idea its my ex and he seems adamant to cancel presents but I dont think its the right way. We buy separately.

Then let him ruin Christmas and you behave normally.

Whilst trying to get to the bottom of what's bothering him

@Christmasfairy2020

County lines??

The OP has said nothing to suggest that he is either using, transporting or dealing drugs,

He doesn't have ADHD or something does he?

Dont have any answers for you but you have my sympathies. My ds was similar, we had a lovely child who changed into a horrible hormonal teen about aged 12 when he went to the academy. Nothing we did made a blind bit of difference. It almost broke my marriage. He is now 20 and whilst still not perfect, he's almost a well rounded adult. Id say certainly in the last year he has dramatically improved, perhaps a sign he is maturing. Its been a long road though.

Don't think he has ADHD the school havent mentioned any signs and he seems to be able to do the work. Having spoken to DS he told me he likes to show off.

@Amira19

Don't think he has ADHD the school havent mentioned any signs and he seems to be able to do the work. Having spoken to DS he told me he likes to show off.

Would finding a drama club or some sort of performing arts give him the chance to show off but in a controlled way?

No, no, no. Love is unconditional. Take away his privileges by all means but don't cancel Christmas. He will never forget it. And not in the way you hope.

Cancelling Christmas would be very a very poor parenting option to choose. I understand that sometimes parents feel at their wits end with a child's behaviour - I would suggest that asking for help with parenting techniques is a more positive way forward.

Could you get him into a drama/performing arts group like Bitesize?
Recommending them specifically as they actually put the better kids up for real parts they can earn money from and this can be a massive motivator.

Possibly ADHD?

I think you should get him into a councellor. Theres clearly something very wrong. He needs help neither you or his teachers can provide.

Just because school haven't noticed, doesn't mean it isn't ADHD. Most schools don't like to open that can of worms because it costs money they don't have!

My two children were diagnosed with Autism and up until the day of diagnosis, the school were adamant that they weren't.

I would research it further, just in case. It's the swinging on the chair and shouting out in class that ring bells to me. The swinging on the chair is sensory and is easily solved by a wobble cushion.