To cancel Christmas for 12 who won't behave at school

[Amira19]

I have a 12 year old and since the start of senior school hes constantly been in trouble, fighting, talking in class shouting out , swinging on chair etc. His attitude at me is appalling, I get told he hates mes scream and slams doors, doesn't want to help around the house and is awful to his siblings. He's the same at his dads house aswell.

He gets two of everything holidays presents etc. Me and his dad have been split since he was 1 and both been with our partners since ds was 2 so he's known know different. He has no issues with either step parent has good relationship with them both. He just doesnt seem to want to obey rules and often or not gets himself into trouble by showing off with his mates.

Hes had other 12 after school detention since starting back in September. I begged him to have a better year, family have tried talking to him without fail he can't seem to go a week without being in trouble. Hes lost his xbox, phone, bike etc but now ex is taking to losing Christmas money if he gets into trouble and reward it back when he has a good week, he wanted me to do the same but I'd feel uncomfortable him with nothing and my other dc with presents.

There's no bullying going on I have asked him if anything we think hes in the wrong crowd and playing up to the teachers. We are contemplating changing schools. Please no negative comments I already feel shit and embrassed by his behaviour and constant phone calls from the school.

PenguinIce
Thankyou so much for sharing youre experience and to all the other kind posters who have taken they time to post. Its hard sharing my story and worried if il be judged so thankyou

Agŕee with others don't cancel christmas. He's still a kid and you'll all feel awful if you do. This year christmas is as much about making ourselves feel better as anything else. Talk to the school. Talk to thr GP about getting him a MH referral.

OP where did he get the fake blood?

Has he got a friend egging him on to do stuff?

@Amira19 I agree with majority I don't think taking away Christmas from him would help he would resent his family even more think everyone is against him and become even more angry as you said he doesn't seem to realise he is angry. Have your tried bargaining with him I. E. If you do this and can do it for the full week I. E. Good at school or something then you can have your phone back. Also might be worth checking his bloods his hormone levels may be off or perhaps in the extreme end beginning of some adhd? Or quite simply as you say wrong crowd and peer pressure. I'm so sorry your going through this we all want our children to reach their full potential. The school thing might be a good idea you can emphasise the fact its a fresh start for him but I do think he needs to see someone as you say he was fine in primary school x

It sounds like he is insecure in his friendship group and is playing up to entertain them.

You could move tutor groups if you feel this is a particularly bad group he’s got. On the other hand if they are just standard kids, then you may find the same happens in another group, perhaps more so as he will be the new boy there.

I think maybe you need to talk to him about what makes a good friendship. Does he think these other kids won’t be friends with him unless he fools around? If so, are they actually good friends? Are they good friends if they want him to mess around even though it gets him in trouble? Are there some better behaved kids in his class you could point him towards maybe.

It’s a really hard age and they are all insecure and showing off a bit at that age (the ones that haven’t got there yet probably will at age 13/14..) Lockdown won’t have helped as they’ve had less time together to feel secure in their friendships. I wouldn’t cancel Christmas but would work on helping him feel secure, tell him you know he’s a nice boy really he’s just been having a temporary bad patch, and hyper praise any good behaviour.

Does he have a learning mentor at school? Someone who can help him access the curriculum and keep his behaviour on track?
One of ours liked to be the class clown and was involved in a few fights when he was 12-13.
We got him involved in Army cadets, he had good role models there and a completely different set of friends. They were into rugby and rowing and he started to tag along to those as well. The turnaround was quite spectacular. I know that with covid a lot of community facilities have stopped so that probably doesn't help him either.
I dont know what else to suggest other than to keep him busy and let him know that you love him.
They do get easier.

As pp said behaviour is communication and he sounds like a deeply unhappy little boy.
I think family counselling too. Its all very well deciding things for him eg.. Me and the ex spilt when he was 1 etc but you don't know his perspective on things or how he really feels.

Something is not working for him, mostly people don't want to act it out... Maybe he doesn't understand the work, has undiscovered SEN?

I certainly wouldn't punish him at all. I'd get a third party involved to un pick what's going wrong or he will end up being a very troubled young man.

If he changes school now he will immediately find the naughtiest kids and hang out with them.

Have you seen Educating Manchester? It would be good for you to watch the first one with him - there's a boy very similar to him on there.

Does he get more than the other children as a result of his dad not living with him?

You really need to do something asap, OP - it's so important that he settles into school.

He got the fake blood from the shop for 10p from Halloween.

He is so easily influenced he has a good friend within the group who is friends with everyone but knows his own mind. Where as my ds is easily lead I worried about potentially getting into drugs or crime when he's older if things are not nibbed in the bud now. Im steering to moving schools as I feel like a fresh start is what he needs.

No. It smacks of desperation.

The thread has moved on, sorry!

HollowTalk he gets double of everything and is kitted out in nice clothes xbox phone new bike etc.

NullcovoidNovember

My brother spoke to him had him over for xbox session and fish and chips and discussed his behaviour with him numberous people have spoke to him.

How much has he grown in the past few months, past year & since going up into secondary school?

I assume that he is a seething cauldron of growth hormones, his body preparing or in the midst of major life changes. His brain & cognitive landscapes booming & busting all over the place. He’s in a growing body, new impulses yet not savvy enough to think things through.

Is he eating nourishing foods & snacks to get a full range of minerals & vitamins, plenty of protein & slow release carbs so that he can relax, think & grow with ease? Is he getting enough quality sleep? Sensible amount of screen time? Enough physical exercise & challenges to test his growing body?

Has he got a sport, hobby or club to absorb his interests away from school & family life?

Some adolescents make the progression through puberty with ease, others have a more dramatic trajectory. Unfortunately, this is done with secondary school as the everyday environment.

Confer with school. Praise good behaviours. Josh him kindly about his ‘teenage brain’ AND the need for puberty bound folk for loads of quality sleep.

Please do not cancel Christmas- that’d be mean & counter-productive.
Maybe slip a ‘guide to teenage years’ type book into his Christmas stocking as an added extra. Haynes manual type thing, & send a copy to his dad.

Check in with school to get an all-round perspective. If matters deteriorate to greater concerns, then hold firm & consult next-level support through school & GP.

Treat him with firm kindness, hold firm no-nonsense boundaries.

The problem about making a big thing about cancelling Christmas presents is where do you go from there if he still misbehaves.

Personally I find separating school and home life.
If he doesn’t do the work then that is up to him but he then has to accept the punishment from the school. Equally if he has done something in school and been punished then the incident is over and done with apart from a quiet word about how he can avoid getting into trouble again.

Having said that Ds went to senior school and managed to rack up 5 detentions in his first week. The problem was the school were cracking down to make sure everyone adhered to their strict rules but all it did was, after initially having him very worried that he had got into trouble, it became a joke because the detentions were over stuff that was petty and mistakes because it was all new and after a few detentions they didn’t hold any fear for him.

I ended up in removing him and the next school he was at which was much more easy going he didn’t have another detention.

The biggest issue you have is the company he keeps and if he has fallen in with the wrong crowd then moving schools and being aware of the company he keeps is going to help.
Otherwise it is a wait until he matures or understands that people are laughing at him and not with him.

Thankyou for the suggestion of Educating Manchester I'm going to watch it will him to see if he recognises any similar behaviours.

OP you mentioned he did very well on his last SATs - I'd suspect there's a combination of boredom and a yearning for popularity that have collided disastrously.

I started to get in trouble at school because I was soooooo bored. I was constantly reading ahead in our textbooks while the rest of the class was still working their way through the exercise. I would then get further and further ahead, or if my seatmate wouldn't let me keep turning the pages, I'd make a start on the homework I'd got in the previous lesson.

So by lunchtime I would be tearing my hair out with ennui and would start setting up elaborate pranks, drawing biro tattoos on my arms (each one containing "cunt" or at least "fuck"), asking to use the loo then disappearing off site, writing scurrilous poetry about my teachers and passing it round the class, drawing cocks on the desks and masturbating in the toilets. I got the fuck out of there age 16 and never looked back.

If it's mainly the urge to be popular motiviating him, then I'd think moving tutor group would help, presuming they are the same class for all subjects? (sorry, it's been 10 yrs since DS was at school) On the other hand if it's boredom, he needs to recognise that and find ways to stretch/entertain himself during lessons he finds too easy, without getting into trouble or potentially injuring someone. If this is the case, I'd hope the school would help a lot as well - after all presumably they want him to settle down and stop being disruptive.

UniversalAunt We limit screen time on his phone and he eats well balanced meals however he will steal sweets and say his hungary when he's bored. There's no filling him at the moment.

Thankyou for the suggestion of Educating Manchester I'm going to watch it will him to see if he recognises any similar behaviours.

That could work.

You sound like such a good mum by the way. He’s a very lucky boy.

I agree with PP that if you are as sure as you can be that he is in with the wrong crowd, you will struggle to get any meaningful change while they are around so I would seriously look at changing schools.

I also agree that removing Xmas is just going to alienate him further. Also its a temporary fix, what will your ex do after Xmas? At this rate he will be in the red for next Xmas by January and wont be getting a gift until he is 30 odd!

I’m with your ex, this isn’t new behaviour the only difference is high school are not pussy footing around him and holding him to account for his behaviour. Going against the grain here, but have you thought that he may actually be spoilt and use to getting everything he wants so being tough might be the answer.

How do you deal with the behaviours at home? How would you deal with each situation? Cancelling Christmas is not the answer. Communication and clear boundaries are what you need. I think you could be over-punishing certain behaviours and it’s fuelling the poor behaviour both at home and school.

As the mother of a 13 year old I feel your pain. I had 1 on 1 time with him. He said most of the time he can’t express himself properly and then wants to punch them when they don’t understand.

It’s a really tricky age, I’ve asked him to speak to head of year for coping mechanisms.

Nothing you are doing is wrong, be strong, talk all the time even if it’s random shite they then know they can talk the same back. Sometimes you get a bit more information and can start to get the picture.

I hope in a few years we can both look back on this as a tiny blip in an otherwise fantastic life we have made together.

Speak to school about a managed move. It might just be the wake up call needed and if behaviour improves he can stay where he is. The school should be able to organise visits to the new school and it may help. Just keep going op as other have said school just doesn’t work for some children. You may also find that once his hormones calm down he will settle further as well

If you cancel Xmas over this what will you and your ex do if his behaviour escalates and he starts something worse like smoke weed, shoplift etc? If he's got the best tech and clothes will he care or will he feel more resentful when his siblings are spoiled with gifts?