To cancel Christmas for 12 who won't behave at school

[Amira19]

I have a 12 year old and since the start of senior school hes constantly been in trouble, fighting, talking in class shouting out , swinging on chair etc. His attitude at me is appalling, I get told he hates mes scream and slams doors, doesn't want to help around the house and is awful to his siblings. He's the same at his dads house aswell.

He gets two of everything holidays presents etc. Me and his dad have been split since he was 1 and both been with our partners since ds was 2 so he's known know different. He has no issues with either step parent has good relationship with them both. He just doesnt seem to want to obey rules and often or not gets himself into trouble by showing off with his mates.

Hes had other 12 after school detention since starting back in September. I begged him to have a better year, family have tried talking to him without fail he can't seem to go a week without being in trouble. Hes lost his xbox, phone, bike etc but now ex is taking to losing Christmas money if he gets into trouble and reward it back when he has a good week, he wanted me to do the same but I'd feel uncomfortable him with nothing and my other dc with presents.

There's no bullying going on I have asked him if anything we think hes in the wrong crowd and playing up to the teachers. We are contemplating changing schools. Please no negative comments I already feel shit and embrassed by his behaviour and constant phone calls from the school.

UsernameSaved thanks for blaming the parents there

I think it is peer pressure I'm not happy with the group of friends he has currently. When talking to my dm she mentioned changing tutor groups. School teacher who phoned me said hes a lovely lad just makes silly choices.

Oh bless him I've taught a few of those!!

Definitely get him changed tutor and other groups first. See if that helps

The problem with changing tutor groups is how little time they usually spend in their tutor groups. It can also lead to the child just choosing to miss registration (if they are quite defiant) to be with their friends. Is 15 minutes a day going to make a difference? What about moving more of his classes?

As mentioned before, if you cancel Christmas it could well make it worse. There's something triggering the problem, and if he's sensitive it could well make things worse as it'll be a miserable Christmas for everyone and he'll remember that.

What is his concentration like? Ds had similar issues in secondary and was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of year 8. It’s worth looking into.

and while everything is at one level OK, as a country we are in the middle of a pandemic, school has been disrupted, normal friendships etc have been disrupted, he may be scared of catching Covid, or one of you dying etc (Thanks Matt Hancock for telling our kids that they will give it to their grandparents and they will die)

they may be lots of things going on.

@Amira19

UsernameSaved thanks for blaming the parents there

I think it is peer pressure I'm not happy with the group of friends he has currently. When talking to my dm she mentioned changing tutor groups. School teacher who phoned me said hes a lovely lad just makes silly choices.

I am not blaming the parents

I have been a teacher and headteacher for 30 years. I have also worked extensively with boys with "challenging" behaviour including managing to retain children in our school and educate them who have been excluded from up to 4 other mainstream schools.

There is almost always some reason- you need to find it
Ask the school to help as I suggested.

I would look into moving schools. Even if he woke up tomorrow and decided to be better behaved, he's got certain friends and a reputation that will make it hard to turn over a new leaf. This is assuming that he wants to change though.

He doesnt want to change but he had a bad start from the moment he started there so I'm thinking would it better to make a fresh start but worried id be making a mistake.

Did he have any low lying bullying problems at primary school? Ours went from being bullied for being a nerd, for not being allowed to be online on his phone at all hours of the night (yes as age 10-11) and doing a more niche sport than just football to being what could only be described as being a right prat in year 7 as he tried to act out of what he'd been at primary school and try to gain acceptance by that kind of behaviour. He made a name for himself alright and not for the right reasons.

He's managed to turn it around so far this year and has he nowhere near the number of school consequences. We put a positive behaviour plan in place that he agreed to and he suggested the small rewards.

Because he really wants these, and the bigger one after a whole term, his behaviour change has been remarkable. He's also learnt to stop following the idiots and not try to gain their acceptance - think of the saying "lie down with dogs, get up with fleas". Fingers crossed this is getting more ingrained than the idiocy and thoughtlessness

I don’t think it would be a mistake. Of course he doesn’t want to move: he’s having a great time messing around with his mates and disrupting everyone’s educations. But if you do move him he will see he goes to school to be educated, and if that isn’t happening you will take steps to make sure it does.

@Amira19

He doesnt want to change but he had a bad start from the moment he started there so I'm thinking would it better to make a fresh start but worried id be making a mistake.

It's hard to know what to do. He might respond well to a less strict school as there's less to rebel against but he might repeat the same behaviour at the new school and see his old friends outside of school too.

I think that moving is better than staying (what have you go to lose? ) but it might not change anything

Glittertwins a little big but he would just fight back he wouldn't be afraid to hit anyone if anyone hit him, he did martial arts and boxing

No don't make Christmas shit for him. It's the one day that is supposed to be about relaxtion, togetherness, fun, peace, love and goodwill to all men. How awful if he remembers for the rest of the life the one Christmas that he got given nothing.

I don't think it would be a mistake. This is not just 'peacocking' behaviour. If you decide to do this, or make presents conditional on acceptable behaviour for the next few weeks, you must 100% stick to this.

No this is not good parenting and the way to handle it.

You’ll never find a parenting advise book saying if your child is going through a hard time and it shows in their behaviour, fuck em right over and cancel Xmas. That”ll do the job.

@nosswith

I don't think it would be a mistake. This is not just 'peacocking' behaviour. If you decide to do this, or make presents conditional on acceptable behaviour for the next few weeks, you must 100% stick to this.

Could you the video his little face op and send it to this poster?

@Amira19

Thats not me blaming the school but I'm.wondering if its the right fit and if he would be better someone else with a fresh start.

I thought this from reading your other posts. It sounds like a combo of trying to fit in/get acknowledged by peers and perhaps feeling restrained by the school and it's ethos. It's a big change for them. I'd speak to his form tutor. Is there a friendly Teacher he likes who can help with getting him involved in some activities that are based within school?

Is it an all boys school? If so, it might be worth looking for a mixed school. I really don't think they're good for boys' development and socialisation at all. I work in one and there is no way on earth I'd put my sons in one.

I was going to come on and say "no don't, use smaller sanctions first, it's a big thing to have to take away" but you've done that already. Well done on being a parent who cares and wants to change the behaviour, plenty out there who couldn't give a toss.

I would seriously consider moving him. He's made a name for himself now as a class clown - plenty out there probably seeing him such - and it can be hard for a kid not to rise the expectation. Especially at an age where he may well think it's cool and he has a group of mates already who all sound cut from the same cloth.

Its a mixed school Catholic if that matters. Bluntness its his df doing this but wants me to do the same I feel uncomfortable using presents as a tool , there's no need to be vindictive and if you had read through the thread you would realise this.

@Amira19

He doesnt want to change but he had a bad start from the moment he started there so I'm thinking would it better to make a fresh start but worried id be making a mistake.

Op, your post could have been written by me when my eldest was 12. From the moment he started secondary school it was a constant stream of bad behaviour and I use to dread the phone ringing in case it was the school reporting another incident. Looking back it was definitely a case of my ds trying to fit in when he first started and then having to live up to that reputation. I also think that once he was in the role of ‘naughty child’ it was hard for him to escape it (not blaming the teachers as even as his parent I sometimes automatically assumed he was the cause if something went wrong). Once he went to college he was a whole different person and I remember his college tutor being shocked at the first parent evening when I explained the issues he had at school as he was literally a star student at college.

I know it is not a easy thing moving schools but looking back I should have moved my ds just to break the cycle of bad behaviour and give him a fresh start. Good luck and please don’t blame your self. I know it feels like you are the only one who’s child behaves like this but you reallly are not 💐

Bluntness100

nosswith

I don't think it would be a mistake. This is not just 'peacocking' behaviour. If you decide to do this, or make presents conditional on acceptable behaviour for the next few weeks, you must 100% stick to this.

Could you the video his little face op and send it to this poster

Are you proud of yourself to kick someone when they're down its notnthe first thread ive noticed you be nasty. If you had read thread properly I was imposing this.

I agree with others you need to get to the bottom of why he’s behaving like he does.