To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

She may be exhausted but she won't regret it. Good luck to her.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Would you be saying this about a man who was going to become a dad at 50?

Can men of 50, or any other age, conceive by themselves and experience high risk pregnancy and delivery of donor egg twins?

Yes I would be judging a 50 year old single man who decided to become a father of twins by surrogate.

Bloody hell...

My opinion is irrelevant, what your friend does is none of my business. The best thing I can suggest is to help her stay fit and healthy, physically and mentally. You sound like a very good friend, she's fortunate to have you.

@Flamingo1980 you sound like a caring friend. Introduce your friend to mumsnet, just make sure to warn her not to take anything too personally!

Did she, aye.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

FFS some of you lot are right judgmental pricks.

That's lovely news.

My advice: be there for her. No judgement. Offer support especially when the babies are born. Take round meals (COVID permitting), offer to take the babies for a walk in the pram while she showers, show up, listen. Really all that makes for an amazing friend.

This!!

I know two women who had kids at 49 and 50. Both are rich and have full time nannies.

Aside from whether this was a good idea or not, here are a few things I found useful (6m twins):

• sling (mini monkey or weego for early days)
• batch cooked food or Cook meals to microwave. Still don’t have time to cook now
• tandem feeding if planning to bf
• night nanny if she can afford/ help a couple of days a week if not from friend/ grandparent etc
• help with cleaning/ washing

Just being there, whether physically or over the phone, in the early days will be a huge help. I’m sure she has waited a long time for this if she had ivf, so she must be nervous but thrilled. Congrats to your friend, twins are awesome!

There are a lot of negative and judges comments about older mums on here that aren't helpful or accurate.
I had my ds at 45 and have been a lone parent since he was 3. I work full time and had very little family support but I haven't found it difficult.

Two things your friend could do to help are to consciously maintain or improve her fitness. Being very fit gives you more energy and makes everything a lot easier.
And to having a support network makes all the difference for simple things like being able to get her hair cut or go to the gym for an hour.
If she is able to afford a nanny as well, she should be fine.

Meh. I'm nearly 50 and could definitely cope. It depends on the person doesn't it?

At first my jaw dropped when I read your OP. But then I remembered my cousin, (not really my cousin but you know what I mean) his mum had him at around 48 I think. So only two years younger. His dad is 10 years younger than his mum. She’s in her 70s now and you wouldn’t think that at all. She did have another child when much younger when she was married to someone else. But life is better having him in it I guess. We don’t know when we are doing to die. If your friend is rich then she’ll be fine. I guess also if your friend has any nieces or nephews they would love a cousin. They’ll also be someone to look out for them when your friend becomes older.

Yes I would be judging a 50 year old single man who decided to become a father of twins by surrogate.

Why?

I am so sick of this. There are good parents and rubbish parents, male and female. I have never heard anybody being traumatised by their parent's (s') age. All that matters for the children is that they have a parent to love them and put them first, who can provide for them, and give them a happy and stress-free childhood. In many ways children born to an older lady who has none of the relationship complications and lots of life experience and financial security are very lucky. Why are people being so spiteful? The OP asked for practical advice to help her friend.

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Just see someone pit about having paid help with twins lol I have twin siblings and cousins and my mum and aunt never had paid help 😂😂😂

I bet they would have loved to have paid help, if they could have.

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Just see someone pit about having paid help with twins lol I have twin siblings and cousins and my mum and aunt never had paid help 😂😂😂

That was probably me, yes everyone I know with twins has had paid help. It's not compulsory of course! The point was that someone upthread implied it was horrifying that this lady was already having to consider paid help because she was 'too old to look after her dc'. I was just pointing out that a (single, esp) mother of twins arranging paid help is not some sign of decrepitude, it's understandable and normal.

Besides which there is nothing wrong with getting paid help if you can afford, especially as some people have very little unpaid help or support from family/friends. Some people have disabilities or other issues and need to arrange help, that is good parenting.

Never mind the possibility of a journalist picking this up, this post should be deleted because of the vile comments being made. No wonder women struggle to achieve things either in life personally or professionally when they are so many other women around bent on tearing them down at every turn.

Lovely news, good for her. I’m hoping for a similar outcome for my best friend. She will be knackered, but she can afford help. Definitely consider a c section and bottle feeding. I have never seen older mums judged at the school gates; no one cares how young or old you are. You sound like a lovely friend, OP. Kids bring such joy and happiness. Happy days 😀 and good luck to your friend.

My husband and several of my friends have fathers who were late 40s/early 50s when they were born. This has never caused the shock, judgement and disgust all over this thread. Makes me suspect a massive double standard for men and women - what a surprise . I think lots of you need to interrogate your prejudices.

Dealing with two teens is exhausting at times and I’m not yet 50, and not a lone parent. When DS was younger, but a strapping lad, he had to be physically restrained at times. I wonder how she will do all of that.

Good for her . As you’ve said she’s financially secure and can afford paid assistance . A day nanny +/- night will likely give her more support than many have on here . A single friend of mine had twins in her mid 40’s , arrived a little early and yes by c/section - she managed the challenges ok . As an aside to anyone thinking of donor IVF stick to one embryo ( reduces risk of twins obviously with generally no lesser chance of pregnancy ) .

I assume she is childless, if so How wonderful, she has waited a long time for this, I wish her all the very best.

If she can afford hired help, then that will make life easier. Doesn’t need to be a nanny, but a cleaner would be very helpful.

Good luck to her, age is only a number .

My god, the crazy bitchiness on here.

Why's it bad? Unless you're all saying women are over the hill and incapable of parenting at 50+? Presume these are her first children, so why is she not allowed to have a family, whilst you lot all are?

She will still be of working age when the kids reach adulthood, she won't be on the scrapheap.

So why so bad?

@TheBlessedCheesemaker

Never mind the possibility of a journalist picking this up, this post should be deleted because of the vile comments being made. No wonder women struggle to achieve things either in life personally or professionally when they are so many other women around bent on tearing them down at every turn.

This, so very much!

MN, come on, what a horrid, poisonous bunch you are.

@NilesandDaphne

Utterly insane, not to mention irresponsible

You nasty, nasty person.

Embryos do not get implanted by iVF. They are transferred, and then if you’re lucky, the embryo implants. She didn’t decide to have twins. She probably had two embryos transferred in the hope that one would implant, and two implanted. So here we are.

OP you sound like a good friend. She’ll need support, maybe a meal train for the Mum, help around the house with laundry and cleaning, some adult company, if she can afford it maybe a night nanny, and possibly help with feeding the babies depending on how she’s tackling it.

Lots of people have suggested helping her get as ready as possible before the babies arrive, too. That would be helpful.

I had a baby in my mid 40s. The whole experience has been the biggest blessing in my life. My child is happy, well balanced, and has all of mine and her Dads love and attention. Maybe we’ve had a gma comment here and there, doesn’t bother either of us. We laugh all day every day.

I’m friends with other parents who have kids the same age as mine, and some of these parents are young enough to be my child. Nobody cares, we’re all busy raising our children, sharing our experiences, enjoying our families. No gossiping at the school gates. Your friend OP will be fine, better than fine.