To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

@theThreeofWeevils

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

The woman must be mad.

Well technically she can’t can she, hence donor eggs.

My Nan has twins naturally at 48. She’s 70 now and yes she’s always been an “old mum” but only noticeable when they were teens. She did a fine job ( she was married though) but she found the pregnancy and Labour hard work compared to when she was younger.

Lots of judgemental people on here. It saddens me to think this is the reaction myself and my DP would get if we had a Baby. Congratulations too your friend op

Honestly I do think this is irresponsible. My mother died at 74, with dementia. That was hard to cope with in my forties, had I been in my twenties it would have been impossible

Where do you draw the line though? People get ill and die at all kinds of ages - 74 is a very young age to get dementia.

My dad died unexpectedly when I was 8, was he totally irresponsible having children in his 20s, because he left me fatherless? DMIL developed breast cancer when DH was in his early teens, was she irresponsible having him aged 29?

Should everyone get knocked up aged 15, just to give their DC a better chance of reaching adulthood with no major parental illnesses? I’m not sure why 50 is significantly riskier than 40-44, and people in their 40s get pregnant naturally all the time. Should we sterilise them for the good of their unborn children?

Just another thought - I had 47 years of doing what I wanted. So it's a big change to now focus everything on the twins. But I'm glad I waited to have children, since I've done all the traveling, nights out etc, and am happy to focus on them.

Personally I would outsource the other stuff and look after the babies myself.
Cleaner
Food delivered
Car
Tumble dryer and washer
Plenty of clothes and baby stuff.
I loved having twins she’s very lucky.

This thread is hugely outing and I cannot believe you posted it. I only have ever met one 50 year old who has had a child left alone twins. Anyone that knows her it will know that this is about her. It's very likely to get picked up by the press as well. she will be really delighted I'm sure about people slagging her off online you've never met her.I have literally just had a conversation with my 12-year old about the dangers of outing yourself online and I think he has more sensing you do.

This times a hundred! There's probably a DM journalist typing up this thread as we speak since it's such a polarising topic. She is 50, single, 18wks pregnant with twins and wealthy. Everyone within her circle of acquaintances will instantly know who it is and alert her to it. It probably won't take her long to deduce who started it since we all know our friends well enough, especially as she sounds like a close friend.

Even though the intent is well-meaning, I don't think this thread is a great help since it's just getting her insulted by hundreds of strangers online. The majority of replies are negative, or at the very least critical.

Also, my parents are 90 and 91, and healthy (still driving, planning holidays for next year, etc), and are delighted with their new grandchildren. My mum was 42 having me, which some might say was old.

Op I'd ask for this thread to be taken down, your friend will be very upset if she happens to read it.

Things you can do to support, as suggested robot hoover and lawnmower. Sign up to one of the supermarket delivery deals, a delivery per week.
Help her get the stuff sorted, moses baskets, cots, storage, bedding.
Is she planning the nanny works days or nights, how is she going to cover nannies days off?

Btw I do get the feeling of OMG that worked, but I didn't really think it would

Congratulations to your friend. My husband became Dad to our youngest when he was 58 and he's an absolutely brilliant Dad. He's healthy, fit and slim and because he took early retirement our boys have him around all the time, for school runs, homework, big projects and everything else. Ignore the ageist people on here. I would think that she'll be exhausted with two on her own though, so practical help will be fundamental!

@Changechangychange

Honestly I do think this is irresponsible. My mother died at 74, with dementia. That was hard to cope with in my forties, had I been in my twenties it would have been impossible

Where do you draw the line though? People get ill and die at all kinds of ages - 74 is a very young age to get dementia.

My dad died unexpectedly when I was 8, was he totally irresponsible having children in his 20s, because he left me fatherless? DMIL developed breast cancer when DH was in his early teens, was she irresponsible having him aged 29?

Should everyone get knocked up aged 15, just to give their DC a better chance of reaching adulthood with no major parental illnesses? I’m not sure why 50 is significantly riskier than 40-44, and people in their 40s get pregnant naturally all the time. Should we sterilise them for the good of their unborn children?

But it is much more likely for ill health to hit in later years.

I am so sorry your dad died so young, but this is rare. The statistics are real, the older you have children, the fewer years you will have with them, and I’ll health is must more likely the older we get.

My mum was born when her parents were mid forties. He dad doesn’t before I was born, when she was only 22. Her mum lived a long life, but developed dementia when she was in her thirties. Her siblings were twenty plus years older. And had a very different experience with young, energetic parents who lived until they were well into middle age.

Don’t get me wrong, she had a lovely childhood, but she would have done anything for more time with her parents.

This times a hundred! There's probably a DM journalist typing up this thread as we speak since it's such a polarising topic. She is 50, single, 18wks pregnant with twins and wealthy. Everyone within her circle of acquaintances will instantly know who it is and alert her to it. It probably won't take her long to deduce who started it since we all know our friends well enough, especially as she sounds like a close friend

God yes - I hadn't thought of that. I'd get this thread deleted sharpish, OP

Well it wouldn't be a problem for me but (a) I've had children before (b) I'm fit and healthy and (c) I could afford it.
Presumably your friend does not have (a) but (c) is covered and I'm assuming (b) too as she chose to give it a go.
So yes, twins are hard work but I think she'll be fine. She should get herself on TAMBA twinstrust.org/ and start preparing!

Congratulations to your friend. I hope all goes well.

@Flamingo1980 if you really want to help your friend I would ask for this thread to be deleted as it is a terrible violation of her privacy and some of the comments on here are extremely rude and very stupid.

OP do you have your friend's permission to post about this, have you changed some details, I hope so.

I recognize you may mean well but some of these answers are appallingly rude. I adopted at almost 50 and all is going well, mostly! I hope your friend will be a very happy mum.

They aren’t even born and shes already having to look at the possibility of buying in paid help to raise her children as she will be too knackered as she’s to old to do it herself.

Crikey, every mother of twins that I know has had some type of regular paid help, and they weren't even single mothers. They were married, fit and in their 20s but having twins is hard work and if you can afford help you get it.

My dad was in his 50s when we were born. It’s quite likely being a single parent will be a bigger stressor than being a bit older.

Once again these threads descend into competitive premature ageing...and once again the posters who are exhausted or in constant pain in their 30s need to seek medical advice as the level of disability you report is not the norm.

But then I’m surrounded by people doing 50% nights under extraordinary stress in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. If any of us had the level of physical
compromise many people seem to think is normal with age, we’d all be unemployable.

I can only assume the posters suffering such extreme problems at younger ages either have an undiagnosed medical condition or are carrying significant extra weight.

Congratulations to your friend. It's her choice and lucky it worked.

Help wise, I would think about them.being born a bit early as rarely twins get to term. So asking when she is getting her hospital bag ready and then practice logistics of getting too and from hospital. Some batch cooking and thinking about any pets if she has any complications and needs to stay in.
Unless she dresses like Mrs Doubtfire she wouldnt raise a eyebrow on the school run where I live. Plenty of mums with adult kids dropping off at reception around here

Let her crack on, be there as a listening ear. She wanted this obviously. I'm so jealous I'd love to have twins

My auntie had twins at 47, natural conception, her girls are 18 now. Everyone survived snd is fine!
Just be there for her

Just see someone pit about having paid help with twins lol I have twin siblings and cousins and my mum and aunt never had paid help 😂😂😂

Put

Congratulations to your friend. Is it the twins that she wasn’t expecting? As in she’d hoped for a singleton? Are they her first babies? I’m sure her midwife and the antenatal team will keep a close eye on her.

Regarding all the judgement on here, no twins at 50 is probably not ideal and won’t be easy, however they are on their way now, the lady is financially secure and you don’t know what brought her to this decision. What ever happened to be kind? Before you say be kind to the children yes, I understand that an older parent doesn’t come without its own set of problems but the lady is no less worthy of parenthood because of her age. There are a lot of children in bad situations to younger parents.

@trixiebelden77

My dad was in his 50s when we were born. It’s quite likely being a single parent will be a bigger stressor than being a bit older.

Once again these threads descend into competitive premature ageing...and once again the posters who are exhausted or in constant pain in their 30s need to seek medical advice as the level of disability you report is not the norm.

But then I’m surrounded by people doing 50% nights under extraordinary stress in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. If any of us had the level of physical
compromise many people seem to think is normal with age, we’d all be unemployable.

I can only assume the posters suffering such extreme problems at younger ages either have an undiagnosed medical condition or are carrying significant extra weight.

It sounds like the OP's friend is financially secure. Being a single parent really isn't much of a stressor in that situation tbh. In fact, it can be far less stressful. Especially as she has chosen to do it that way from the start; if money isn't an issue, the main thing that's stressful about single parenting is the initial relationship breakup and managing coparenting, neither of which will be things that affect the OP's friend. She is actually in a great position, contrary to all of the doom and gloom and judgeypants crap on the thread.

Good luck to her. She's got many weeks of pregnancy to go, it'll be tough, but pregnancy always is.

You sound like a lovely friend.