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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

383 replies

Flamingo1980 · 12/11/2020 21:58

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 13/11/2020 07:07

I expect she had it dinned into her by the clinic not to expect both to implant!

It's not as uncommon as people think to have babies naturally at 48 or 49 (both my maternal great-grandmothers had babies at 48), that's not such a big difference.

No advice to give though, other than to pay for as much help as possible.

Lucky her to embark upon such an exciting new life at 50!

Aridane · 13/11/2020 07:10

Congratulations to your friend! @Peacocking’s suggestions are good. Maybe also ask your friend how she would like you to help her

averythinline · 13/11/2020 07:14

I don't think the kids will be bullied and she'll stand out in the playground! Do you live in Royston vasey....? Nobody would bat an eyelid here families come in all shapes and sizes......
I don't know if I would do this at 50 but luckily for me Ivf worked younger..I can see that last chance feeling if nothing else has worked though..
Practical help...being a friend, helping her get out...is there a twins group near ? My neighbour had twins and found it really helpful....even though she had quite a network..

Financial/legal planning etc is very important ...

Get excited and positive with her ...

Igmum · 13/11/2020 07:18

Lovely news and good luck to her. As for advice for you, just carry on being a lovely friend, think she will need that and behave in the same way you'd behave towards any other mum with twins

evilharpy · 13/11/2020 07:22

It's pointless banging on about how terrible/stupid/irresponsible etc the lady is - a) she won't read it and b) she's already pregnant with two babies, they are coming no matter what, berating her is just not helpful.

You sound lovely OP, glad she has a good friend.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 13/11/2020 07:30

I imagine that a healthy 50 year old who has looked after themselves will have just as good a pregnancy as a smoking, alcoholic, morbidly obese 25 year old. Age isn't everything.

But nobody would encourage a smoking, alcoholic morbidly obese 25 year old to get pregnant, because they’d be incredibly unlikely to have a healthy pregnancy/baby? Confused

I think if your friend was considering going to the donor clinic to have the eggs implanted OP, then I would have thought it best to encourage her against it. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be (intentionally) having babies at 50 and certainly not with an increased risk of twins.

But she’s done it now, so there’s nothing else to do but be supportive. It’s good that she will probably be able to afford a nanny, I think the advice from PP to offer to do some cooking for her is a good idea.

Sabrina124 · 13/11/2020 07:36

What an utterly selfish thing to do. Some people only think about themselves and not the life they are creating. Those poor children are likely to be orphans in their 20s.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/11/2020 07:36

@evilharpy

It's pointless banging on about how terrible/stupid/irresponsible etc the lady is - a) she won't read it and b) she's already pregnant with two babies, they are coming no matter what, berating her is just not helpful.

You sound lovely OP, glad she has a good friend.

Exactly.

Do people think op will go back and tell her? Or that op pushed her into it? Or that op shouldn't help because it serves the friend right?

Let's hope some of the posters are on the same school yard 5 years time

Aridane · 13/11/2020 07:38

@Sabrina124

What an utterly selfish thing to do. Some people only think about themselves and not the life they are creating. Those poor children are likely to be orphans in their 20s.
Of all the things to get outraged about, an older woman paying for a medically assisted pregnancy isn’t one that tips me into aplopexy
OwlOne · 13/11/2020 07:42

If she's financially secure and it's what she really wants, she'll be ok. It's always tough for a few years. I actually know somebody who naturally had a baby at 44 and then had another at 45 or 46 (Not sure) but she has been OK so far as I know.

Obviously a ''partner'' is not something to pin a 25 year decision on. He could be there, he coulld be gone, ah, yes, gone......

In a way that's easier, she won't have to maintain a relationship wiht a selfish man. Support from a decent understandin gpartner would have been lovely but that wasn't on offer, so better to be rid of an immature judgmental partner.

I'm 50 and I feel energetic enough, I just don't want to do it! But then that is because I DID it, have teens. Easy for me to say ''why would she!''..

I hope it all works out. It's never easy so just because she doesn't find it easy doesn't mean she's unusual or that it won't get easier.

Angelina82 · 13/11/2020 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

longwayoff · 13/11/2020 07:52

I've met a post 50 mother of twin babies. Single parent. To say she didn't find it easy would be a massive understatement.

Aridane · 13/11/2020 07:53

@Angelina82

I’m just glad it’s twins she’s having, as at least they’ll have each other to share the burden of looking after their selfish elderly mother when they’re barely in their 20’s.
Well, since the average life expectancy of a woman in the uk is 88 years, they'll probably y be 37 years old before their mother shuffles off their mortal coil.

Interesting that this level of hate doesn’t seem to apply to men

Ginfordinner · 13/11/2020 08:10

You don't have to do anything, women do have a choice

I would have thought a 50 year old woman with a high risk pregnancy would choose the safest option to deliver her babies, which in this case is likely to be a C section.

Poor kids will get bullied and everyone will think it’s their nan.

I doubt that this will happen. I am an older mother, and DD never got bullied because of my age.

YoungScrappyHungry · 13/11/2020 08:15

Poor kids will get bullied and everyone will think it’s their nan

Fucking hell 🤣🤣

Angelina82 · 13/11/2020 08:29

Well, since the average life expectancy of a woman in the uk is 88 years, they'll probably y be 37 years old before their mother shuffles off their mortal coil.

I was talking about when she got elderly and infirm. Didn’t even mention death.

Interesting that this level of hate doesn’t seem to apply to men

I would be saying exactly the same if a man chose to be a single parent at 50.

MiddlesexGirl · 13/11/2020 08:43

If she's fit and healthy enough to bear children at 50 then it's highly likely she will remain fit into her 70s.
@Ariadne was replying to @Sabrina124 though who mentioned them being orphaned in their 20s Hmm
No-one knows what health issues await them around the corner so there's no point planning life on the basis of some unknown future. Just think how gutted you'd be if you lived a healthy life into your 80s and 90s but turned down the opportunity to have children.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/11/2020 09:04

@longwayoff

I've met a post 50 mother of twin babies. Single parent. To say she didn't find it easy would be a massive understatement.
I was a pre 40 mother of twins with a supportive partner, I didn't find it easy either. And a know twin mins in their tend and 20s who didn't either.
DarkMintChocolate · 13/11/2020 09:11

I had twins by IVF (in my early 30s). I agreed to the standard policy of having two implanted, because we were told the chance of getting a take home baby was 14% - so I really did not expect it to work.

I can honestly say I had no idea what twins would be like, and I had one already! So, this woman cannot be blamed IMO, for not knowing what she was getting into!

As a friend, my advice to you, would be to offer to go round and just spend a couple of hours looking after one, when you have time. Looking after one, when you are used to twins is a rest cure! What I really missed was having 1:1 time at feeding times/mealtimes, instead of always having divided attention. When they are walking, help take them to the park - it’s really hard when they run off in different directions, because they are both lacking equally in any sense. You can tell an older child “Stay with the buggy, while I run after DD1....”

Probably the thing that would help the most, would be if you could look after both, after they have been fed and are hopefully asleep, while she has a nap in the early days, because lack of sleep is the worst - but you may not feel confident doing that?

Advise her to get the flu jab, because it is really hard with flu, looking after twins; and be careful about use by dates, shellfish, etc - don’t take risks with getting food poisoning, as that is really hard too!

Original poster
Flamingo1980 · 13/11/2020 09:17

Just spent the morning reading through the replies and picking out the helpful ones which actually relate to my original question. Ignoring the nasty ones as they are obviously unhelpful.
Thank you so much to those who took the time to write helpful and practical advice. I will keep all of it in mind. SO many lovely people out there it’s very encouraging xx

OP posts:
k1233 · 13/11/2020 09:38

A very good friend of mine had a baby at mid 40s. A very longed for baby via IVF. I visited every weekend for a couple of years, just so she had an adult to talk to. I baby sit / take child to activities on the odd occasion she asks for help. I'm also the back-up emergency contact at school.

I think practical help is greatly appreciated as is a non judgmental ear. Even just a few hours spent with kids drawing etc helps give mum a break.

RedWine123 · 13/11/2020 09:43

I think @Trixie18 has got it bang on. My Aunty had twins and has said several times that it was really hard to get out the house when they were babies/toddlers. She was on her own quite a lot too. I think cabin fever can make you go a bit crazy so make sure she’s able to get out and have some fresh air with the children regularly. Lots of good advice from pps as well.

There’s a lot of nasty judgement on this post. She has just as much right to have children as the rest of us. All the best to her.

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2020 09:44

Wait what? The average life expectancy of a woman is 88? Is this true?

RedWine123 · 13/11/2020 09:57

@Sabrina124 I’m not sure if all the hate in your brain is killing your brain cells but you cannot become an orphan in your 20’s.

notanothertakeaway · 13/11/2020 09:59

For crying out loud, she's 50 not 80. She's not any more likely to die while the twins are still children than a younger mother!

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/nationallifetablesunitedkingdom/2017to2019

Life expectancy for a woman in England is 83.1, so of course she's more likely to die than a younger mother. Not saying she WILL, but MORE LIKELY. Pretty daft to suggest otherwise