To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

What a stupidly selfish thing to do at 50. There's a reason why nature decides you can't have babies at that age

It doesn't, though. It's perfectly possible to get pregnant naturally at 50 and over. My friend had a first baby at 45, and she's done great.

A couple of years into the menopause and you feel like minced shit and totally unable to handle small children

Speak for yourself. I'm a couple of years into it, and I feel absolutely fine.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

MN is so funny, only on MN World would people think that being 50 means being on your last legs and unable to handle small children

I wonder how many of you judgey fuckers palm off your kids into your own parents for childcare - bet you don't cry about "50 is way too old" then, do you?

No I bet they don’t. In fact I bet “it keeps them young”

I am 47 so not quite 50 but you what I reckon (the effects of pregnancy aside) I’d do OK if I was pregnant now. I don’t feel any more knackered now than I did at 32 and 35 when I had my 2 tbh.

My gran had twins when she was 43, obv natural. I would bet the average 50 year old now is healthier than the average 43 year old back then nearly 60 years ago.

“I’d do ok with a baby” I mean

There was a lovely lady on the pregnant over 40 thread a few years back in a similar situation and the same age. Having the babies was the making of her. You’d support your friend in the same way you support anyone pregnant with twins. Be there to make lots of tea, stick on a washing and hold a baby once in a while. Her age is irrelevant despite the outrage of people
On the thread.

Honestly I do think this is irresponsible. My mother died at 74, with dementia. That was hard to cope with in my forties, had I been in my twenties it would have been impossible

That must have been awful for you, but in the same breath my great nana died aged 95 in great health, well up until the last 2 weeks of her life. Her DD, my nan, died a year later age 75. We don't know what the hell life is gonna throw at us and how many of us 50-and-under make decision based on if we're gonna live to 75 or 95?

I wonder how many of you judgey fuckers palm off your kids into your own parents for childcare - bet you don't cry about "50 is way too old" then, do you?

Those people don’t look after those children 24/7, they give them back and can opt out if and when they choose. It’s a ridiculous comparison.

Congratulations to your friend!

In the early stages, just having any form of practical help will be invaluable to her. If she's able to hire a nanny, brilliant - but either way, just having an additional pair of hands around, even for short periods of time, will make life tons easier.

To those who think their children would bully hers because she's older than whatever they'd deem is the appropriate maximum age for motherhood, what a lovely opportunity this thread is for you to expand their horizons and talk with them about different kinds of families! I'm sure you'll get right on that.

@GlummyMcGlummerson yes!! Wish MN had a like function.

Wow. I'm so shocked at how nasty and judgemental some of these replies are. It reminds me of how people spoke about young mothers a few years ago.

OP you sound lovely. I agree with several PP that practical help will be key. Help her get organised with getting baby clothes and a bedside cot, blankets, car seats etc. Cook vouchers are a good gift so she can eat reasonably healthily without any hassle. Does she have someone to go to appt with her (if that is allowed?). Does she have a birth partner? Can you take annual leave to help for the first week after their birth if she needs a C section? Nannies or a doula would be brilliant if she has the funds.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I hope A&Es around the country aren't too busy tonight, as there are going to be some horrible judgy pants injuries if this thread goes on much longer.

Much deserved ones, unfortunately!

No I bet they don’t.
In fact I bet “it keeps them young”

Lol! And "they love it, in fact it's them who want to watch the kids".

@Flamingo1980 as a Mom to new twins in my late 30s, I'd say she needs to pay for overnight help. Not even so she can sleep, just to help. Feeding two babies at the same time takes practice, of there's someone who can do fetch the bottles, help change the babies, feed one etc that would make so much difference.

Then all the usual nice friend stuff. Be around if you can, stay in touch. There's twin Mum groups on Facebook she can join if she's on there.

Do you know what kind of twins? The type in part determines how early they're likely to be delivered all being well. If the babies do come early then practical and emotional support of possible, bringing up food and clean clothes etc.

I cannot believe how incredibly insensitive a lot of the commenters are on here. This woman clearly was hoping to get pregnant as that's why she went through with this procedure. She's 50 not an OAP!

Best of luck to her and credit to you for being her friend x

Well... She went and got the donor eggs implanted, so I'm really surprised that she hasn't thought about how she will cope. Bit weird for a 50 year old as you would expect her to be quite mature and think things through!

However I don't agree with all the posters on here slagging her off for being an older mum. What a load of shit. It's not as if she's 90 lol. That being said, she needs to stop flapping and start being practical. Twins is a biggie. She needs a support network in place ASAP.

This thread is hugely outing and I cannot believe you posted it. I only have ever met one 50 year old who has had a child left alone twins. Anyone that knows her it will know that this is about her. It's very likely to get picked up by the press as well. she will be really delighted I'm sure about people slagging her off online you've never met her.I have literally just had a conversation with my 12-year old about the dangers of outing yourself online and I think he has more sensing you do.

@theThreeofWeevils

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

The woman must be mad.

This isn't creating dinosaurs out of DNA fossilised in Amber. 🙄 It's a woman who is financially secure and clearly wants children having children.

Ignore my typos I'm sure you get the point.

[quote RedMarauder]@Amammi she won't "may" have a C-section in my area if you are a mother over 45, who hasn't had a child in the last 10 years or high risk for other reasons, you "have to have" a C-section.[/quote]
No one HAS to have a c section. They might highly advise it but no one can be forced into a c section simply due to age.

Many congrats to her.
I agree with the advice here. Send over meals, pop in and look after the babies whilst friend showers, go on walks with her, check in with her. Get friend to outsource cleaning, meals, nanny if she can afford to.

@BangersAndMush as someone who has been through ivf multiple times, I can tell you that you learn very quickly not to allow yourself to hope. So I'm not surprised at all that her pregnancy has come as a shock to her. It's nothing to do with being stupid or not thinking about consequences, it's just self preservation. It's not the invasive medical procedures that leave you destroyed afterwards, it's the disappointment and grief.

@bumpyknuckles

Blimey, some of this is a bit harsh! Would you be saying this about a man who was going to become a dad at 50?

I imagine she'll have the same difficulties as any first time single mum of twins, and she'll need the same practical support from her friends and family.

The odds of a 50 year-old dad doing much of the day-to-day (and night) parenting are pretty slim, don't you think?

@Nanny0gg only if the mother of the child has internalised misogyny sufficiently to tolerate such behaviour.

Jesus, this thread is shocking.

I would think she would struggle because:

• Many people with twins as first babies struggle
• Many single parents struggle
• She's lived 50 years her own way, and having children turns things upside down in ways you can't imagine

I don't have a problem with her age or methods, who knows what the future holds for any of us.

Oh and I don't think she'll seem weirdly old, I'm permanently fucking knackered and probably look 60...

I had to reply to this.
I’m 48 with double-donor twins who are 8 months old.
I sailed through an uneventful pregnancy. I didn’t have any symptoms or sickness, apart from slight SPD towards the end. The birth was an uncomplicated c-section, and I was running around after 3 days.
Now, 8 months on, it’s hard work, but so worth it.

For me (since I’m a light sleeper), the sleepless nights are the only difficulty. My recommendation to your friend is to get a night-nanny, if she can afford it. I have a night-nanny a few nights a week, which means I’ve plenty of energy and patience for the days.
I’m a fairly young looking 48 ( when I was pregnant, the doctor said I didn’t even look 37, never mind 47), so I’ve no worries about not fitting in at the school gate. I know lots of other 40-something new mums.
I’ve plenty of energy, possibly since I’m not tired from years of child-rearing (the twins are my first), and go on 11-15k walks every day with my double buggy.
I’ve a senior role in work, so worry a bit about fitting everything in when I return to work in 3 weeks. Luckily I’ve a very good and flexible childminder.
Isolation during Covid is also hard, so advise her to join mums groups (eg on WhatsApp).
Just trying to be reassuring to your friend, that being an older mum to twins can be fine, but she will definitely need support (especially for the nights). My boy/girl twins are amazing, and it’s the best thing I ever did.